I need to leave

scared

I don't really know where to start with this thread. I don't want people to think I'm moaning or looking for sympathy, I just really need advice. Heres my story. Since I was born, I have moved about many different places, because of this, I don't have a network of friends. I don't have any friends. When I was younger I was sexually abused by some members of my family. I've never told anyone this. I'm to ashamed. I don't enjoy sex. I never have. I don't know if its because of this or not. Throughout school, I was very badly bullied for being fat, poor, smelly, those were the three things that were thrown at me the most. In my teens I fell in with a bad crowd and spent most of my time between 12 and 16 in a virtual coma because of the amount of drugs I was taking. When I was 16, my best friend died. I lost ALL of the friends I'd made when this happened because I found out she was a heroin addict. I'd had no idea. My entire circle had lied to me. They still tried too, but after dealing with everything on my own I finally realised this situation wasn't any good and I moved on. I moved country and fell into a different group of friends. This wasn't a good group either, they had great jobs and lives but I was only there for them. When they were happy, I only served as something to laugh at. They had no idea my seeming ease at having the mickey taken out of me, was through years off bullying and knowing how to switch off. When they were sad, I was known as a great listener, I could listen to them talk about their problems for hours and I did. They never listened to me. I moved on again and came to Dublin where I met my husband and got married after only knowing him for 6 months. I had an abortion 3 months after meeting him. Although this was a joint decision he took this very badly and has told me in no uncertain terms, I have never to mention it again. He would go out drinking with his friends who he could confide in, to come to terms with his loss. I had to sit in our house waiting for him to come home. I had no friends I could talk to about this. I never have. At times my husband can be great and I feel like none of the bad stuff matters, but other times he can be so mentally cruel, it makes me want o sit in a dark room and hide. I know its a damaging relationship. There are men who will take care of me, aren't there? This has been the first real relationship I 've ever been in (I'm 24), but surely this isn't normal? I know I can take care of myself, but surely a relationship is about being there for each other and not one person constantly being there for the other person? The problem I have is I'm not sure if I have the strength to go out there on my own again. I have no friends or family that will be there for me. I have friends in work but no one I can actually just ring for a chat or anyone who I can tell how I'm feeling. So much has happened in such a short space of time, and this is beginning to push me over the edge. I just need some help.

I think someone will be able to give you some official contact details I think that you should use (counselling etc), but the only advice I can offer right now is to get out of it.

You're right, that's not normal. Normal is an equal partnership.
I think that because you were so mixed up emotionally etc, you attracted someone who was the same or knew how to take advantage of it.
Each good moment makes it just a tad easier to sit back and say "ah sure what am I worrying about it's ok now" and then it just goes bad again, yes?
Can you get some money together, stay somewhere temporarily etc?
If you make the firm decision "I need to leave, now" it might make everything else seem a little easier.

The very best of luck - I really hope you get out of there ok and get through this. *hugs*

LegacyUser

First off you most certainly don't come across as moaning or looking for sympathy - in fact given your circumstances and the hardships you have endured you come as across as being amazingly together, astute and wise and you are someow able to assess your situation rationally despite it being your own troubles which is very hard to do. Your remarkable resilience and determination has brought you this far and to your credit you are somehow still intact - although naturally you must feel weary, scared and emotionally battered.

Seek help now and let those that are trained and experienced in these situations assist you in moving to somewhere you can feel happier in. Also as a man let me assure you that there are men out there who will love and respect you and consider your happiness and emotional wellbeing to be of the utmost importance.

You have come through a lot and I really feel that because you are such a strong and smart person you can make it the last bit of the way now - I'm sure that people will post details on organisations who have helped many people like yourself put there troubles behind them for good.

Good luck & post back here when things start looking up for you !!!!

^CwAzY^

Ah relax, youll be grand.

hullaballoo

I might be missing the mark, but I'm sure you have plenty of friends. Sometimes, it really doesn't feel like it, but if you actually sat one of them down and said, "I really need to talk to someone", I'm sure they'd be astonished to hear what's going on with you. You just need to gain some confindence to talk to someone.

Oryx

You come across as a person who has remarkable courage and resilience, who is an incredible friend and who asks nothing in return. An exceptional person, in other words. You know you have to leave, you said it yourself. And while it will be more difficult than I can imagine, from what youve said, you do have the courage to do it. You are only 24, you do deserve much more from life than youve got so far. I hope you find it within yourself to make this change that you need, and I wish you so much luck and love in the future.

Nevyn

Y'know you are doing very well, you do know what the issues are in your life and in your past and that they are effecting you that you need help dealing with them and are looking to wards healing yourself so that you can live a better life.

That alone takes courage and insight a lot of people never get that far until they have reach a horrendus rock bottom.

Given that you suffered sexual abuse and the issues arrising from that I would suggest that you contact the rape crissis centre.
I know I know sounds scarey but they have very good couselling staff and a good referal system to people who won't be shocked at listening to what you went to and will help you sort your head and heart out.

http://www.drcc.ie/services/index.htm

Services Introduction

The Dublin Rape Crisis Centre offers a wide range of services to women and men who are affected by rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment or childhood sexual abuse.

Our aim is to offer help and support to anyone who has experienced sexual violence of any kind. This may have been recently, some years ago or in childhood.

We take calls from people of all ages, creeds, ethnic groups and orientations. Our counsellors will also speak with friends, relatives and concerned persons as well as take general queries.

Here in the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre we acknowledge it takes courage to phone or to call into the Centre for the first time and we assure you that if you contact us you will be treated with dignity and respect.

We are here to listen

FREEPHONE 1800 778888

FOR INFORMATION

OR TO SEEK AN APPOINTMENT

I wish you well on your journey and don't let anyone stop you.