Mother of the Groom Issue

LegacyUser

Myself and my girlfriend have been going out for a good while now. We have started to contemplate getting married. Mentioned this to my Mam the other day and she stated that when we get married, we can not invite my dad's wife - and if we do my mother will not go to our wedding. (I get on grand with my dad's wife, as does my girlfriend)

I'm already having arguments with my mam over this and I'm not even bloody engaged yet!!

My mother says that beacause she is a big part of the day (as the mother of the groom) then it is a reasonable request/demand and claims all her friends think this is fair too.

Am i being the unreasonable one!?

Nevyn

No you are not, it would be your wedding and you get to choose who is there.
Your father's new partner would not have a place at the top table and your mother should grow up and be civil about this.

Really leave it alone don't row over it leave it until you are storting out your guest list and then by a book on modren etiquette and show her how these things are done.

Why have a row about it now when the day could be a few years away.

Esel

"And a man shall leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife..."

I can see your mother's point, though. How does your dad feel about this?

jesus_thats_gre

Tell you mother to cop on and leave it.. Then if you do get engaged tell her to she can either accept it or not go.. She would some peace of work to miss your wedding because of it..

Pepe LeFrits

jesus_thats_gre wrote:

Tell you mother to cop on and leave it.. Then if you do get engaged tell her to she can either accept it or not go.. She would some peace of work to miss your wedding because of it..

Listen to this man, he talks sense.

oulu

Try see it from your Mother's point of view, did your Dad leave your Mother for this woman? if so then I think she has a right to feel sad and I think you should not invite her, If it a woman that he met after they split up then that is different issue. First thing your Mum needs to hear from you is that you love her more than anything, and it would only be your Mother and Dad at the top table, You need to sit her down and and explain that you also love your Dad and if your Mother had a partner that he would also be invited. Thread carefully and remember she is the woman that wiped your dirty bum and got up at all times of the night for you and kissed your sore knee better. As I said before if it is the woman he left her for than I think it would be better all round if she was not there, and explain that to your Dad.

shinners007

i say invite all three of them and make it clear the invite is there and that its their decision who turns up. if your mum doesnt turn up or your dad they'll regret it not you as they were invited.

no one has the right to tell you who to/not to invite.

Roy16

I dont think your being unresonible at all. The end of the day he's your dad and of course you want to invite him. If i was you i would'nt start worrying until you get engaged, but when you do, just tell mother that you are inviting your father and his girlfriend to the wedding. I'm sure your mother will come around in the end and if not tough, its your day and you can invite who you want.

The_Conductor

At the end of the day- you are getting married, not your mother, and it is entirely up to you and your bride to be who should be invited. It is very unfair for your mother, or anyone else, to place demands on you as to who can or cannot be invited to the wedding. As Thaedydal says- there are plenty of books on wedding etiquette available. These might be of use when trying to make your mother see sense. I do distinctly remember reading of your situation in one of the books- so have a look. I can post a list of a few candidate books for you during the week if you like.

SingingCherry

You're not engaged and she's already on you about the guest list??? Tell mom to get a grip and nip this in the bud right now because when you do eventually get engaged, and you are starting to make arrangements, you will be expected to succomb to other "requests" of hers.

For now tell her that the proposal hasn't even happened to the invitations are the least of your worries and then tackle this when you are engaged. In the end you have to do what YOU want for YOUR wedding. This stuff is up to no one else but you and your fiance. If you like your dad and his girlfriend, invite them both and leave the rest up to her.

Bamboozled

You're the one who would be getting married so you really would have the final say.

As mother of the groom she is not really a big part of the day.
Usually the day is paid for by the bride's parents, but if it is being paid for by both of you, it is still the brides parents doing the inviting.(their names on the invitations, they make out the guest list including both sides of the families and then consult to see if there's anyone that was forgotten on the grooms side).
No one gets to take off their hat til the Mother of the Bride removes hers. The Father of the Bride also does the speech of welcome. The grooms parents dont feature very noticeably at all really so if she's playing that card make your own decision on whether you and your girlfriend would want your father to be there, and if you both would want your father's wife to be there.

Your mother cant lay down conditions like that.
You get on well with your father, your girlfriend does too. You get on well with your fathers wife, your girlfriend does too. Think about how you both would feel if they weren't part of your day.

If they're/she's not invited, then you have made the choice for them. By inviting them, you give them a choice.
If your mother goes through with her threat, then SHE will have made her choice.

You will have given them both the choice in the matter, rather than deciding for one of them.

Zebra3

shinners007 wrote:

i say invite all three of them and make it clear the invite is there and that its their decision who turns up. if your mum doesnt turn up or your dad they'll regret it not you as they were invited.

no one has the right to tell you who to/not to invite.

Yep, simple as that.

It's your wedding!!!!! Whenever it happens.....

padser

Tell her to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt child.

If she doesnt want the other woman to be there its one thing to tell you she would prefer it if she was not invited. But to give you an ultimation like she did is, inho, unaccpetable.

MarkR

Tell her if she's going to be like that you'll have to elope and have a star trek wedding in vegas!

Nip it in the bud now, give her time to get used to the idea. Doesn't matter what the other woman did, if you want her there you should have her there.

LegacyUser

oulu,

The thing is my father did not leave my mother for his new wife (he and his new wife met when my parents were already separated, although not yet divorced). My mother is convinced that she 'stole him' away from her :rolleyes: although this is not the case!

Bamboozled,

That's exactly how we (& especially my girlfriend) think. This is not my mothers day (although when I had this argument with her she used those exact words!!)

To all,

Thanks for the opinions. It's nice to hear that I'm not just being an awful, unreasonable son!

I know it's ridiculous having this argument already, but I've literally already had to tell her to f-off! It's putting us off actually getting engaged and that vegas wedding is beginning to look appealing! (I've already enquired about the flying elvis's! )

darkflower

Obviously mam hasn't move on..Like what they said it's your wedding day and you get to choose who comes..dont invite your dads new wife for your mom
kidding aside your not engaged yet so maybe when that times comes mam have change mind..;)

jimmycrackcorm

Tell your mam that if she doesn't go then you know of someone who will fill the seat at the top table instead...;)

I think this is one you will easily win and rightfully so. Mothers will always stick with their children no matter what so it is highly unlikely she will not go.

The Hill Billy

Bamboozled wrote:

Usually the day is paid for by the bride's parents, but if it is being paid for by both of you, it is still the brides parents doing the inviting.(their names on the invitations, they make out the guest list including both sides of the families and then consult to see if there's anyone that was forgotten on the grooms side).
No one gets to take off their hat til the Mother of the Bride removes hers. The Father of the Bride also does the speech of welcome. The grooms parents dont feature very noticeably at all really so if she's playing that card make your own decision on whether you and your girlfriend would want your father to be there, and if you both would want your father's wife to be there.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with Bamboozled on this. It is your wedding day & you call the shots. If you want to let your girlfriend's family take ownership of the wedding - fair enough. But make sure that it is your decision that they do so. Don't be railroaded into it just coz someone says "this is the way it is always done".

Back to the issue at hand...

Maybe try to explain to your Mum that when you get married it will be a celebration of your "new family" (ie, you & your girlfriend). As part of this you want your "other families" (GF's Mum & Dad/your Mum/your Dad & his partner/your friends) to celebrate with you. While you would dearly wish her to be there - it is her personal choice whether she chooses to celebrate with you or not. Make her realise that it is ultimately her decision - not yours.

Best of luck man!

Bamboozled

I wouldnt agree with me either - that's the traditional way of doing it.

The Hill Billy

Thank God we've moved on from the good ol' days.

Velvet Vocals

Hey OP, in my family we have a similar sort of situation, my mother and father have both remarried. My step-dad's wife has not remarried and like your mother she demanded that my mother not be invited to their daughters wedding.
Rather then standing up to her, everyone just gave in and my step dad went to his daughters wedding (obviously) without my mum. This caused huge problems in their relationship and they are only really getting over it now (the wedding was over 5 years ago)
My self and my BF are thinking about getting married too and I've had to think about it and even though I really don't like my dad's wife (REALLY DON'T LIKE HER!!!) There's no way that I couldn't invite her, I'd hate for my Dad to go through what my mum and her husband went through.
It really is such a hard situation to be in!

Your father's new partner would not have a place at the top table and your mother should grow up and be civil about this.

As for this, I think if they're married they should sit together at the table with you, if not then it might be ok to put her sitting somewhere else, but really if two people are together and everyone at the wedding knows that, they why put them sitting apart.... it just makes no sense. You wouldn't do it to your friends so why do it to your parents?

Bamboozled

Yes, thank god we have moved on, but some people still bring in some of the traditions to their own weddings.

OP, would you consider eloping? It would solve the family issue and the day is just about the two of you. Not in the dramatic way, but going on the honeymoon and getting married there. They do nice weddings in Cyprus.

Drastic to solve a maybe problem? Yes

but i had to cancel my first wedding after all invitations went out a few weeks before the wedding due to an interfering and warring mother-in-law and ended up getting married with only two people there as witnesses.

Hopefully things wont come to get that bad and that you will be able to solve this by talking.