Should I tell her?

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if this is really a dilemma or just my being jealous, but here's my story.

8 months ago I met a girl (funny how it always starts that way). We hit it off immediately and I was and still am absolutely smitten by her. We slept together a couple of times, but didn't really meet up very often otherwise, but were txting each other pretty much non-stop (I'm talking 4-500 txts a week!!! Would have been cheaper to ring). Anyway, as I my luck runs, she tells me that she's not ready for a relationship and just wants to remain friends. Fair enough I said, it's what she wants, but I guess I still hoped we'd get back together. It turns out that she had been going out with a guy for 3 years and had just broken up with him before we met, so I could see where she was coming from. We still were in constant contact, though.

Then, on Valentines day, she drops the bombshell that she's getting back with her boyfriend. Needless to say I wasn't too happy about this, but again, it was what she wanted, so I pretended I wasn't too bothered and that I was actually happy for her. And in a way I am. I'm probably just dumping on myself, but I always felt she deserved better than I could give her.

But here is where the problem came up. Her boyfriend treats her like sh1t. She talks about him all the time and says she loves him, but she has never actually told me one single good thing about him. His high points include losing his temper when his brother played music too loud and smashing his fist through a sheet of glass, and ignoring her completely before and after we were together, as he was in college. Now I understand he wanted to get good grades and all that, but he competely blanked her which really upset her, but he didn't seem to care. All along, she was holding out for him to change once he finished college.

I've hinted to her before of what I think of him but never told her out right. And there are other things that bother me too. She's fiercly loyal and has said that everyone tells her that "she's good for him", but nobody seems to care what's good for her. It seems like she feels obligated to be with him. We've had many conversations where she keeps hinting at doubts, but always says that it'll change after he finishes college.

Now, she knows how I feel about her, and although I would love to be with her again, I know it's never going to happen. She does consider me a very close friend, and as such should I let my feelings about this guy be known? I keep thinking that if I do, she'll just think it's because I want him out of the way, and maybe, to a small degree, I do. But I just don't think she'll be happy with him at all. Am I just sticking my nose where it doesn't belong? Maybe he is a good guy, but I've yet to here any reason to think this.

HelterSkelter

It doesn't matter what you say or do, just sounds like one of those girls who like being treated like ****. She will go back to him again and again.

Shazadelic

He sounds like a prick, but she has made her choice, there is nothing you can do. Be a friend to her and she might see reason, but I wouldn't put your life on hold waiting. It's sad, I know know why people put up with being treated like ****.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Yeah, maybe she does like to be treated lke sh!t.

My brother jokes that the best way to pick up girls in our home town is to abuse them and give them a few smacks.

Sad that he is pretty much right when it comes to a big proportion of them :eek:

Not much you can do about being honest, just keep friendly and don't burn any bridges behind you as they say.

EDIT: Btw my hometown isn't Limerick, moved to Limerick for college/work.

b3t4

She has to come to this conclusion herself she will not hear it from anyone else.

I had a friend in a similar situation and I made the mistake of saying what I felt about her partner. It didn't make a blind bit of difference. She managed to figure it out by herself after some time and told me how I had been right at the time.

All you can do as a friend is be there for her when she needs you other, than that the relationship is up to herself.

A.

Velvet Vocals

Tell her.... TELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!! T E L L H E R!!!!

OK you'll be risking loosing her as a friend, but it's a risk you should take! You fancy the f*ck out of her, you want her to be yours and not his! You deserve her way more then he does by the sounds of things and she deserves to know that there is someone out there who wants her, who will treat her right and who she can leave that gimp for!!! DO IT!!! Be brave! Some chicks out there might dig being treated like sh*t... but believe me everyone of them would leave that pr*ck for the guy brave enough to put his neck on the line and fight for her.
BE A MAN!!!!!! GO FOR IT!:D

DOLEMAN

I would tell her. It's just an opinion and you seem fairly genuine about it. Whether it changes anything, that's a different matter entirely.

If I were you though I'd also be worried that you're now in the "friend zone". Not a good place to be if you have the hots for someone!!

Question: does she consider you to be a "nice guy"?

Static M.e.

Tell her

She will learn eventually but you could be gone /moved on by then

"treat em mean, keep it keen"
"Nice guys finish last"

We have all heard it and know its true, Im not saying its always like that but quite often it is, infact far too often it is. Its an Irish thing really, like you have to show your NOT interested, or not too interested to have a chance..
Must be strong, stay cool, dont over react, dont laugh too much, laugh more, remember they smell fear....

BS really if you ask me, girls* are always saying how you cant find any nice guys these days.....blah blah one comes along and shows the slightest interest... and theyre gone like a shot!

These days I wear a 1 piece leather gimp outfit, studded with steel spikes to show em Im double hard AND they cant get enough of it!!.. honest try it

* Complete generalisation I know

honru

I wouldn't tell her. It's none of your business who she's in a relationship with and she's made her decision. People don't like being critisized. If you critisize her she will resent you for it.

Even if she does break up with this guy, why would you want to get back with her? Surely she suffers from low self-esteem if she is sticking around in an abusive reationship.

Perhaps better advice would be to stop pining your chances with this girl and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, guys.

The thing is, I don't want to try and win her over. As was mentioned, I'm in the "friend zone" and we all know there's no escape from there. I'm her friend now and am happy enough to be. I'd like to be more, but that's just not going to happen.

Her relationship is a serious one, as in they are quite likely to plan the rest of their lives together, type of thing and I just don't want her the feck it up. In all honesty, he could be the greatest guy in the world and I don't want to be planting seeds of doubt in her mind unnecesarily. I just have my doubts about him.

LegacyUser

f®eak s&#169 wrote: »

I wouldn't tell her. It's none of your business who she's in a relationship with and she's made her decision. People don't like being critisized. If you critisize her she will resent you for it.

Even if she does break up with this guy, why would you want to get back with her? Surely she suffers from low self-esteem if she is sticking around in an abusive reationship.

Perhaps better advice would be to stop pining your chances with this girl and move on.

I'm not pining for her, I'm worried about her, but our past may be clouding my judgement. And I don't know that their relationship is abusive. She's had a reasonably rough life at times and I get the feeling that she just wants someone who'll be there for her. I don't think it's this guy. I've been there for her and she for me at some tough times of late and we both value that friendship. but if I tell her my opinion, she might just lose any faith she had in me, and she does find it incredible difficult to trust people. It really would crush her. I think you're right that I should just let her be.

honru

Apologies about the pining comment. It's just strange how you are worrying about this girl when she's not, in the strictest sense of the word, in an abusive relationship. Sure, you haven't even met the guy... so why would you have such doubts that she's not right for him?

I know how you feel. "What does she see in that guy? I could be so much nicer to her" and all that. Truth of the matter is she is likely attracted to the domaneering position that that guy takes. She probably doesn't even know why, it's just a biological reaction.

DublinWriter

Oh gawd, run, don't walk.

Women/girls like this are a dime a dozen and there's no convincing them otherwise, they'll take you down with them and leave you at the end of the day.

She won't listen to a word you say that doesn't re-enforce her already warped value-set.

Black Swan

What To Do? wrote:

Now, she knows how I feel about her, and although I would love to be with her again, I know it's never going to happen.

Have you answered your own question?

She does consider me a very close friend

Close friendship is key to lasting relationships should they develop into something more, so at least you have a foundation to build from.

and as such should I let my feelings about this guy be known? I keep thinking that if I do, she'll just think it's because I want him out of the way, and maybe, to a small degree, I do.

Yes, you are biased by your own acknowledgement. You should be the last one to attack this guy's character, even if he is deserving.

Be that close friend. Be a shoulder to cry on. Be the one who recognizes her accomplishments and worth.

Yes, you may be wasting your time in terms of becoming her beau someday, although I have never felt time spent being someone's close friend was ever wasted.

Since she is not committed to you, until that might occur, you should get out and date some more.

chamlis

To the OP: Man, reading that post was like looking in the mirror. I had a girl like that once, not so long ago. This **** went on for over 3 years. She was engaged to this pr*ck. Hot & Cold, Hot & Cold, etc. Like a moron myself, I was in it for the hope that one day, she'll see that He's no good and stay with me full time. I finally got away from it before xmas there. My life has improved an awful lot since then (well, for the most part...). I'm my own man again.

Bottom line: NO GOOD CAN COME FROM THIS. Trust me. I know.