The ever illusive Big 'O'

LegacyUser

Ok so I'm in my late 20's and I've reached a point where I feel like I'm never going to have an Orgasm!
I've been with my current partner for about 4 years and we have an ok sex life, but I've never reached a climax - EVER!
Before we got together it was the same story, any relationship I was ever in was usually full of great sex but with the same results for me.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy my self, I really do, especially with my BF now, but I just don't ever reach that place where I feel it's over... or something.. I don't know if I'm making any since about this, I just would really like to know if anyone else is going through the same thing or if anyone knows if there's anything I can do! Thanks!

The Clown Man

DIY.

Do It Yourself.

You'll find a way I'm sure.

Nevyn

ok first off can you climax by yourself in anyway ?

On the QT

Nope! And believe me I have tried! I bought the equipment and everything:rolleyes: but nothing works! I mean I can get to the party, just can't reach the bar if you know what I mean

LegacyUser

OP, I'm in the same boat, although a little younger (18). Suggestions of masturbation are all well and good, but do nothing for me either. Could there be a medical reason behind it? It's not something I'd be very comfortable discussing with a GP though...!

The Clown Man

An ex of mine, 24, had never had an orgasm before I met her but after a bit of heavy duty work we finally got there. She described it a lot like you are. I eventually found out that she just needed a more ... well ... direct approach. I mean getting right into where it is most sensitive.

I also assume you are talking clitoral stimulation because the majority of women cannot orgasm through penetration.

However I do believe some women are just incapable of having an orgasm. Maybe you are one of these women?

All you can do is keep trying and enjoy what you've got. You should try getting right in there though, with more power and vigor if needed.

Anyway, you get to enjoy the attempts so who's complaining?

John Mason

it took me a long time to get there. eventually, i was could get myself off but i have only ever had them with an ex-boyfriend, after a lot of practise we found what i like. But now i am with someone else and i cant, i freeze up - i almost get there. so i think you need to relax spend loads of time trying it by yourself when you know wont be interrupted - as they say practise makes perfect !!!

Miss Fluff

1. Take a trip to Ann Summers in O'Connell Street
2. Choose a vibrator. They have a HUGE selection. The girls in there are helpful so don't be shy, they'll be able to advise you.
3. Go home and get jiggy with yourself
4. Don't stress about it - relax, it will happen for you but not if you are stressing about it.
5. Don't become obsessed about penetrative sex bringing you to orgasm either. There's a difference between vaginal and clitorial orgasms.
Good luck and it will happen so enjoy getting there girl

On the QT

Thanks for the all the advice. I think your right, I do need to relax about it! coz I have some things from Ann Summers and I know what to do with them (I think:))and my BF does get "right in there" but I'm starting to think that maybe it's me! I'm too wound up or something or I want it to happen to much.

However I do believe some women are just incapable of having an orgasm. Maybe you are one of these women?

Please GOD don't let that be true!!!!:eek:

Miss Fluff

Get the hang of it yourself first and then let BF in on the action
Will feel less pressurized when you are on your own. You'll be fine.

On the QT

The Clown Man wrote:

Anyway, you get to enjoy the attempts so who's complaining?

Sometimes there is nothing worse then trying and trying and reaching a point where you know nothing is going to happen, believe me it can be the most frustrating thing in the world, it has reduced me to tears on more then one occasion:(

On the QT

Miss Fluff wrote:

Get the hang of it yourself first and then let BF in on the action
Will feel less pressurized when you are on your own. You'll be fine.

Is it possible that when I'm on my own that I'm doing something wrong? I mean I have this idea that I'm a pretty clued in person when it comes to such things but at 28 with no results I have to accept that I might not be. I'm not asking for you to draw a diagram or anything... and maybe this site isn't be best place for "directions" but how do I find out if there might be a better more accurate way of doing things for my self?

stevejazzx

OK

Try this

Get comfortable with bf and relax, a couple of glasses of red wine, lots of foreplay, and finally after some nice opening penetrative sessions in various positions, roll onto your stomach and let him penetrate you from behind while lying over you(not on top of you) while hes penetrating you he brings one hand underneath you onto one of your breasts and his other hand underneath and between your legs to gently stimulate your clitoris all while he's penetrating you, if this doesn't work your going to need to need machines....:eek:

LegacyUser

the girl I'm currently seeing was in the same boat (she's 20), she has had more than 10 sexual partners but never had an orgasm, until now

It took a lot of oral action and also direct stimulation of her G-spot but we got there in the end and it was well worth it. She finds that if she's thinking 'I must climax' then it doesn't happen but once she just enjoys the sensations etc. and relaxes and puts everything out of her mind she will climax.

My advice would be; stop thinking about it as that just stresses you out, enjoy fun with your b'f, maybe try some new or unusual positions...hope any of that will help..
best of luck OP

Iago

you have to find what works for you. every woman is different, some can achieve orgasm in multiple ways, some can only orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation.

If you're stressed about it then that will affect your ability to orgasm, it creates a barrier between the heightened sense of pleasure and you. When you think about it or worry about it you're not fully relaxed and unless you're fully relaxed you won't orgasm.

Maybe you just need a bigger build up, dinner, a bath, massage and then plenty of foreplay. I find (in my limited experience) that women who sometimes find it hard to orgasm through penetrative sex almost always orgasm from oral sex. This is obviously completely dependent on the willingness and enthusiasm of your partner for the task, and as a man trust me, if you want something different or more/less pressure tell him, he'll appreciate the directions and it'll result in a better experience for you both.

On the QT

stevejazzx wrote:

OK

Try this

Get comfortable with bf and relax, a couple of glasses of red wine, lots of foreplay, and finally after some nice opening penetrative sessions in various positions, roll onto your stomach and let him penetrate you from behind while lying over you(not on top of you) while hes penetrating you he brings one hand underneath you onto one of your breasts and his other hand underneath and between your legs to gently stimulate your clitoris all while he's penetrating you, if this doesn't work your going to need to need machines....:eek:

God that sounds great! I just want to jump in the car and get him to meet me at home!:o
The thing is though, and as I'm reading all these suggestions I'm starting to realise this.... I think I'm a much more sexual person then my BF, I just don't think he's into it as much as I am. Which means that I feel like he's doing stuff he's not really into, we've talked about it and he swares he's not. But I just know he's more.....reserved I guess is the word you could use, then I am.

6th

Its not you and its not him. You'll get there eventually, I know of a girl who had teh same problem - she claims she took the services of a professional and hasnt had trouble since. An orgasim is like a really satisfying yawn!

metrovelvet

Dont forget to breathe. It will help you relax and oxygenate.

chuckles30

Try and relax and forget about it - I used to find that when I thought about it, I was too tense. Whereas when I relaxed and just enjoyed it for the moment, it would happen without me even thinking about it. I know how hard it is to relax and forget about it, but do try as it works wonders.

Not everyone can come from actual penetration - have you tried letting him just use his fingers? It took a few years before I ever realised I could orgasm, and then it came from fingering.
Let him build it up from slowly to faster and harder gradually and that should work. It might easily take 15 mins or longer again.

And try various positions, some work better than others

On the QT

Its not you and its not him. You'll get there eventually, I know of a girl who had teh same problem - she claims she took the services of a professional and hasnt had trouble since. An orgasim is like a really satisfying yawn!

Professional??? No way! really? The thought of that creaps me out, I mean, you don't know anything about them or anything!

Saitisfying yawn? Well I can yawn....

Not everyone can come from actual penetration - have you tried letting him just use his fingers? It took a few years before I ever realised I could orgasm, and then it came from fingering.
Let him build it up from slowly to faster and harder gradually and that should work. It might easily take 15 mins or longer again.

And try various positions, some work better than others

We've done it all, in fairness to my BF, he really has worked hard! It's just me I think! I really have to find a way of relaxing, but I start thinking about stuff, and then I start worrying that I'm taking too long, that he's not enjoying it all the hard work! that it's not going to work anyway so why are we even bothering! God even typing this is stressing me out! I really have to chill!

Yeah in that case, you really need to just lie back and enjoy it, tbh. Won't happen otherwise. Stop thinking about it and enjoy the sensations totally and stop worrying.

6th

The girl i know went to a professional girl who knew what she was doing. Not someone off the street.

As soon as you mange to have one, they happen again and again no problem.

Nevyn

On the QT google the term yoni massage, and look for a site with whitelotuseast in the title.
It would be considered not work safe so I am not linking it but that is enough for you to find it.

And clitical.com has a series of guids about masterbation.

I would also suggest you have a look at tantra solo sites.
You need to learn to allow yourslef the release that is letting go of an orgasm.

Stargal

6th wrote:

The girl i know went to a professional girl who knew what she was doing. Not someone off the street.

Was this a sex therapist or just a really classy hooker?

6th

stargal wrote:

Was this a sex therapist or just a really classy hooker?

It wasnt a therapist but thats all i can say ... cant be condoning things on here

Miss Fluff

6th wrote:

It wasnt a therapist but thats all i can say ... cant be condoning things on here

I am INTRIGUED

On the QT

Thaedydal wrote:

On the QT google the term yoni massage, and look for a site with whitelotuseast in the title.
It would be considered not work safe so I am not linking it but that is enough for you to find it.

And clitical.com has a series of guids about masterbation.

I would also suggest you have a look at tantra solo sites.
You need to learn to allow yourslef the release that is letting go of an orgasm.

Thanks for this! I'll check them out when I get home.

Marksie

OK, this is all too common a problem.

I hasten to add i am not formally trained but have been following taoist and tantric practices for many years
Excluding any medical problem you should be able to reach orgasm but there may be a frustration or block.
This may be due to a lack of energy circulating oin your system.
I dont really have time for a full lecture, but rather than starting with masturbation, go further back and start with the appreciation of the self.
I will give you the title of w wonderful book which is absolutely superb for those who want to obtain O and thosd who want to prolong it.

"The multi orgasmic Couple".

Its available on Amazon.co.uk
But i would suggest that you start by not straining for O and just learn to appreciate your own body without penetration. There are some great exercises for yourself and your partner to explore.
i would say a lot more but i am at work and having to leave soon

On the QT

Thanks a mill for that, I'll check that book out to! You've all been so helpfull, I'm starting to feel more positive already:)

muppetkiller

I had a girlfriend with the exact same problem until we found a solution by accident..we were having a nice bath when I start spraying her hair with the shower hose ..In typical fashion she start freaking out cas her hair was getting wet etc... anyway the head of the shower broke off and were left with just the hose...I pretended to fix it hehe and brought the hose under to here Clitoral area and she nearly popped there and then ..I think her exact works were "Jesus" to which I replied "sorry" to which she replied "if you stop I'll kill you" haha ..try it works a treat and you can adjust the pressure yourself...

On the QT

Sounds good! At this stage I'm willing to give anything a go... and I actually think that our shower head thing screws off.... I'm so checking that out when I get home:)

Marksie

HI,
no problem re the book.

I mentioned earlier that i am not a trained tantra. But a female friend of mine IS.
She is based in Ireland and does courses for couples.
I will post a link for you:

http://www.tantrayogaireland.com/shortworkshop.html

I would say that it wont happen overnight, but it will happen.
it is encuraging that your BF is concerned for you.

"We've done it all, in fairness to my BF, he really has worked hard! It's just me I think! I really have to find a way of relaxing, but I start thinking about stuff, and then I start worrying that I'm taking too long, that he's not enjoying it all the hard work! that it's not going to work anyway so why are we even bothering! God even typing this is stressing me out! I really have to chill!"

Its whats known as a negative feedback loop, where the attitudes get reinforced. Hopefully the resources will reverse this and turn it into a positive feedback loop.
The thing is NOT to get stressed and panic.

I have seen this a lot, you DONT give up. Step back and learn about your own responses, your boyfriends responses and what feels good.
Its hard to explain in such a short space.
perhaps it can be summarised in saying dont worry about the plumbing, get the foundations right.
In that if you explore yourself and with you B/friend, without penetration, by using massage relaxation techniques. Setting a sacred space (essentially mood setting in your bedroom..candles music etc.).
Have some food ..fruit or strawberries, whatever and feed each other.) learn to stroke and touch each other..or yourself. have a long bath together or alone. set time aside. Dont rush and in fact dont think about orgasms at all. just concentrate on the sensations. talk and listen, close your eyes as you touch and it enhances the sense of touch for example.
Dont aim for just the well known zones. Go for the skin, the earlobes, the back of the neck, knees.
Take time out to pamper each other. Tell him when it feels good, or when you find a spot yourself show him where it is.
As for taking to long? it never really stops to be honest, just breaks in between.
You may not orgasm straight away, but you will lose the tensness and just learn to enjoy lovemaking again.
If you feel something building, if you are on your own.. explore it, if you lose it then hey it was there.
Like a tide coming in you will catch it again.
DONT worry about time. if you both want to stop stop, have a glass of wine and something to eat, then start again. Just gradually come into yourself . If your boyfriend wants full intercourse then yes, why not, but just enjoy with him and forget about Os. (When you forget about having them, i will guarantee that that is when you have one )
Read the books together and play .
Gosh i have gone on.. best of luck

Buddy74

Maybe your going at it the wrong way.

My suggestions are:
Try some new positions,
Get him some toys for you! 'Maybe it's like tickling you can't tickle yourself'
Love beads if worn long enough will have you just about to find that, that eludes you by the simplest of added simulation.
This is a serious suggestion not a deviant practice but maybe you could 'try' the back door I know it worked for a ex of mine.

Feast

Maybe your boyfriend needs to reassure you more. It can be hard to reach orgasm if in the back of your mind you are worrying about taking too long or if you boyfriend is getting tired/bored.

Sit down and explain this to him. Tell him how much it is bothering you.

On the QT

Yea I do think a lot of it is going to involve us talking about it first! I found that tantric web site really good. I read most of it last night and I suggested to my BF that we read it together and he seemed interested. So fingers crossed!:)

um7y1h83ge06nx

A great forum for your BF to check out, a few good tips:

http://www.mysterymethod.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=68

Dermington

well my old gf was with 5 other guys before me and I gave her orgasms every single time for some reason.

try something new maybe?

On the QT

Dermington wrote:

well my old gf was with 5 other guys before me and I gave her orgasms every single time for some reason.

try something new maybe?

Please don't take this the wrong way.... but are you sure? Can you really be 100% that she had an orgasm everytime? I mean I know I'm having a problem with them and that's fair enough, but I also know that a huge percentage of women say that they they very rarely orgasm so for you to meet the one woman who has one every time... pretty small odds I would have thought. I'm not saying she didn't enjoy her self... but possibly she just exaggerated a little.... maybe?

Just in case it is true...... What did you do to make it happen?:o

On the QT

Damari Billions Lemonade wrote:

A great forum for your BF to check out, a few good tips:

http://www.mysterymethod.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=68

Wow, that site is interesting! Its nice to see things from the guys point of view!

um7y1h83ge06nx

On the QT wrote:

Wow, that site is interesting! Its nice to see things from the guys point of view!

Yeah, some of the stuff on that website is f**king hilarious, and being lads, everything is crude and graphic.

Always looking for fresh ideas, some of the stuff there got me some quite good reviews lately

On the QT

Nice one... well I'll just have to send my BF the link and see what he thinks!

Nevyn

On the QT wrote:

but I also know that a huge percentage of women say that they they very rarely orgasm so for you to meet the one woman who has one every time... pretty small odds I would have thought.

Not that small just that you have not heard about it yourself and there are many women who are multiorgamsic as well.

Marksie

On the QT wrote:

I also know that a huge percentage of women say that they they very rarely orgasm so for you to meet the one woman who has one every time... pretty small odds I would have thought. I'm not saying she didn't enjoy her self... but possibly she just exaggerated a little.... maybe?

Just in case it is true...... What did you do to make it happen?:o

That is generally not the womans fault though, many women are multiorgasmic, as has been pointed out previously
Actually, I am i the situation where my last few realtionships have been not only every time, but she has had multiples every time... and that is just in the foreplay
It is just that taking time and mood setting and just (as A Man) giving and listening, actually using all my senses to guage when my partner is aroused etc. How to induce an ecstatic state and keep it maintained. I guess its communication verbal and non-verbal. That and not having an ego (in the bedroom) and not being penocentric. Indeed the foreplay for both of us can and does last hours.

It comes down to establishing trust and feeling comfortable.
Hard to explain, but glad you read the website. Tantra changed my life and of those i have been involved with.

I think this linked with my religous path which views the female as divine anyway..
then my partner IS a goddes in every sense of the word.... so in the end is what we are doing a form of mutual worship where both are responding openly to each other.

If you and your BF come to the same realisation then there is no reason why it cannot be all the tme very time

On the QT

WOW! I really like the sound of that! I mean my BF and I are very close and when do make love I feel so connected to him. I think that tanra could be the answer to all our problems:)
Thanks a million!

cupsoftea

"sex tips for girls" might also be good to read , its very funny too.
I think trying it yourself will be the best tact, until you can do it for yourself it will be harder with your partner. Just go somewhere quiet and warm and cosy where you have loads of time, and thinking of a very romantic and/or sexy situation. Lying on your tummy instead of your back is a simple but very effective tip.

Marksie

yes cups of tea names a good book as well. and is right..learn about yourself first.
The multiorgasmic couple has some great solo exercises to help

also try sinful sex.
very funny
touches on things in a light way and can be messy if you like chocolate sauce for example

Good luck QT!
I am sure it will happen

gom

On the QT.
May I just diverge away from most of the previous posts for a second. Many of which I do fully agree with except I'll pre-empt them with my own suggestion.

I think that you should really be approaching this primarily by yourself as even though you and your BF are very very close it is a place you need to reach solo.
No matter what the pressure to reach the big 'O' is going to be greater with your BF present. Remember those times when you almost felt there but didn't make it. Not only are you disapointed but his dismay adds to the downer.
It is more likely that you will be more relaxed by yourself and will be able to REALLY let go easier.

Follow many of the previous posters advice and just go nuts with yourself and sensuality... Failing this contact a Women's Health Clinic(the new clinics that aren't specifically for women but have 99% of their patients are women) as it could be a biological/psychological problem.

LegacyUser

Myself and my last g/f had the same problem for about 6 months. She'd never had the Big O in spite of having several sexual partners. We eventually broke her duck through oral followed by anal.

On the QT

Unreggie wrote:

broke her duck QUOTE]

what does that mean? I mean I KNOW what you mean... but broke her duck?? Do explain:)

LegacyUser

On the QT wrote:

Unreggie wrote:

broke her duck QUOTE]

what does that mean? I mean I KNOW what you mean... but broke her duck?? Do explain:)

She had her first orgasm through oral, followed by anal and clitoral stimulation...

Since then, she's had the big O via regular penetration as well