Is it possible to get someone back?

LegacyUser

I'll try keep this brief. Basically myself and my boyfriend broke up about 2.5 years ago after being together for 7 years. He asked me to marry him when we were going through a really bad patch and i said yes. We broke up about 2 months later. We kept in touch, meeting up going to cinema, emailing etc for 3 months and then i met someone. When I told him he freaked out and asked me to marry him again. I said no that I was moving on. About 6 weeks later, i really regretted it and did the whole psycho phone calls in the middle of the night begging him to give us another go. I broke up with the new guy and met up with my ex to talk things through. He said he wanted 6 months no contact then we should see how things are then. Turns out he had too met someone after I did. Anyway, its now 2.5 years later and we are both still with the people we met after we broke up and we are both living with them.

I am in a much happier, healthier place now than I was when me and my ex went through our bad patch and I can see now that I was depressed and "in a bad place" when we broke up. We are still in touch regularly but only over email now. We dont meet up anymore. I really regret that I didnt say yes to him the second time he asked me to marry him and I miss him so much. I still love him and think about him all the time. I regret so much what happened and even though my current boyfriend is wonderful, I dont love him the same way I love my ex.

I want so much to be at peace with myself. I dont want to go on the rest of my life regretting the breakup and pining away for someone I let go.

Last time we talked about our new relationships, which was about 8 months ago he gave me the impression that he really likes his girlfriend but that he doesnt know if he will ever get married and have kids. I sort of think that he is going along with the new relationship because he likes her but that he doesnt love her.

I really dont know what to do. If I talk to him, I risk upsetting him and dragging up very painful memories for both of us. Part of me thinks that if he doesnt bring it up with me, then he doesnt want to discuss it and he is happy to let sleeping dogs lie as the saying goes.

Its driving me mad. Any advice?

LegacyUser

I feel sorry for your current boyfriend...surely he should know this?

BoozyBabe

I really don't know what to say to you because your point about dragging up the past is very valid & may be unwanted by your ex, but here's my little story for you, might help you, might not. (sorry to all the boardsters who've heard this story too many times already!!)

There's a big difference in the 2 stories though, my relationship was about 3 months old, not 7 years, anyway.........

Me & fella best mates for years, I'm dating someone, think nothing romantic about my best mate. I break up with bf, best mate makes move, date for few months, I panic cos he's a best mate, don't want to ruin friendship if it all goes horribly wrong etc, so I break up with him.
He begs me not to, I do anyway. 6 months later we meet up(plus other mutual friends):- I'm leaving the country to travel with new bf, best mate begs me not to go. I do anyway.
I stay with new bf for 5 yrs after that.

BUT......
For about the last 2 yrs of the new bf relationship I realise i've made a BIG mistake. But it's weird, it's like a 6th sense telling me this (& I'm seriously not joking about that, I now do believe I've someone up above looking out for me) I'd waken up in the middle of the night in panic attacks because I wasn't with my mate (I wouldn't even have been thinking of him that day) I'd dream about us being together (& I don't even mean just in a sexual way, even just walking holding hands) & I'd wake up so depressed because he wasn't there.
I loved my bf very much, so I kept putting my mate out of my head & concentrate on my relationship instead, but sure enough, back he'd come & I knew that was where I was meant to be.

So my head was in a real mess, I started doing the drunken text thing to my mate, who was single but not interested as I was attached (& never let me know that he'd be interested even if I wasn't) In fact, he more or less let me think he wouldn't be interested cos too much crap had happened.

Anyway...... I decided if I didn't do something, I'd wake up one morning when I'm about 70 & think 'what if', I'd always have a regret if I didn't try, so I broke up with the guy I'd spent 5yrs with, whom I loved & I went after my best mate for a 2nd chance.

8 months later, I'm more in love than I've ever been with anyone. It's more perfect than I ever could have imagined. From the second we got back together it was comfirmed that he is the one for me & we're already putting plans in motion for our future together.

It is possible to get someone back if it's supposed to be.
If any of that strikes similarities with you at all, then you have to go for it, you've only 1 life to live & you have to try & be as happy as you possibly can be.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Believe me I feel like a complete sh1t.

I am trying to put an end to these feelings. I dont want to be like this.

LegacyUser

bozybabe - how did you break up with your other bf after 5 years, what did you tell him? how would you have coped it the other guy had not felt the same way as you?

quad_red

regretful wrote:

Believe me I feel like a complete sh1t.

I am trying to put an end to these feelings. I dont want to be like this.

If it's being going on this long then you must know that the guy you're with now isn't your first choice.

That's a stark thing to be looking at as your relationship with him gets more and more serious (as it undoubtedly will if you're living together).

The whole 'unfinished business' thing is a typically human folly. Why do we torture ourselves like this? Who the hell knows.

But that peace of mind you seek will never be achieved the way you're proposing. You'd lose what you have now. It's unlikely your ex will be pining the way you have cos I suppose he's got closure - after having marraige proposals turned down, dealing with wacko calls and watching you shack up with another guy quickly...

What do you expect? I know feelings sometimes can't be controlled. But you've got to be an adult about this. Things haven't worked out like you'd planned. You need to get on with your life. If your current guy isn't important enough to you for you to be able to forget your ex, then maybe you need to be with someone else who can be.

LegacyUser

quad_red wrote:

If it's being going on this long then you must know that the guy you're with now isn't your first choice.

That's a stark thing to be looking at as your relationship with him gets more and more serious (as it undoubtedly will if you're living together).

The whole 'unfinished business' thing is a typically human folly. Why do we torture ourselves like this? Who the hell knows.

But that peace of mind you seek will never be achieved the way you're proposing. You'd lose what you have now. It's unlikely your ex will be pining the way you have cos I suppose he's got closure - after having marraige proposals turned down, dealing with wacko calls and watching you shack up with another guy quickly...

What do you expect? I know feelings sometimes can't be controlled. But you've got to be an adult about this. Things haven't worked out like you'd planned. You need to get on with your life. If your current guy isn't important enough to you for you to be able to forget your ex, then maybe you need to be with someone else who can be.

Firstly, i said yes to the first marraige proposal. I said no to the second only because i felt he asked me when he realised I was going out with someone else and not because he really wanted to marry me. He had had 3 months to decide what to do before I went out with the new guy and he did nothing.

Secondly, he "shacked up" with his new gf about 4 months ago, I did with mine only last month.

Thirdly, you are right in that if i had things my way I would want things to work out with me and my ex. But if you cant have what you want then I would be happy with the guy I am with. I would not give him up for anyone else. He is one in a million and i hate what i am doing to him by having these thoughts for my ex.

I am not looking for validation for my actions. I am well aware that the situation is largely due to my own making.

What I need to know is how to move on or how to try and work it out. I want closure. I dont want to be on my death bed wishing i had had the courage to try and win him back (or the courgage to walk away).

BeardyGit

regretful wrote:

What I need to know is how to move on or how to try and work it out. I want closure. I dont want to be on my death bed wishing i had had the courage to try and win him back (or the courgage to walk away).

Listen up - The first thing you need to do is decide what you want. This isn't about courage - This is about what you need to make you happy in life. If that's this one guy, you'd better get a move on and let him know. If it's the love of someone so 'special', you need to realise that it's not only this guy who can do that for you - You just have to give someone else the chance and believe in it if it feels like it could be right.

As long as you carry this baggage, you're stuffed - Plain and simple. You have to decide what you want before anyone can tell you how to go about getting it. And I'd say, you're better off making that decision for yourself rather than listen to sometimes bitter people, sometimes day-dreaming looneys on here

But fire away if you need a sounding board.

Best of luck,

Gil

fuzzywiggle

Go for it. Life's too short. It's not fair on your current bf either. Just try it, if it's not ment to be then it's not but at least you can't say you never tried!

LegacyUser

The other man's grass is the same **** green colour .....

threebeards

regretful wrote:

I dont want to go on the rest of my life regretting the breakup and pining away for someone I let go.

Seems to me like you've answered your own question.

quad_red

regretful wrote:

Thirdly, you are right in that if i had things my way I would want things to work out with me and my ex. But if you cant have what you want then I would be happy with the guy I am with. I would not give him up for anyone else. He is one in a million and i hate what i am doing to him by having these thoughts for my ex.

It's not consciously nasty on your part but if I'd be devastated if the girl I wanted to spend my life with thought that.

regretful wrote:

I would not give him up for anyone else.

Except your ex.


You gotta do what you gotta do. But I'm not sure a totally disastrous lurch at a guy who's already made it clear that he'd moved on and is happy with someone else is the right thing to do.

Maybe being single for a while would give you the clarity and opportunity to investigate these feelings, y'know?

LegacyUser

For what it's worth, here's my two cents...

I was in a similar situation to this years ago, was going out with my childhood sweetheart for years, we were so close I couldn't describe it here. Where it all went wrong, I still wonder about, I know it was mostly my fault, immaturity at the age that I was, but to make a long story short, we broke up and as time moved on, we moved on with other people, but we always remained in touch on a daily basis until recently, something that I now regret having allowed to happen. She got into a serious relationship with another guy and they were living together. As it happened, they broke up and I wondered about us getting back together. There were times in the past where I would have done anything for us to get back together, in fact I would say that at one stage I thought my purpose in life was to do this, I can remember being on my knees in a church on many occasions praying that it would all come good and work out, but life moved on and we were obviously not meant to be together, and where I am now, and remembering the level of difficulty I had in getting over her and seeing her getting into a serious relationship with another guy, them moving in together, all of that, if it happened that she knocked on my door and told me she had regrets about what happened between us in the past and wanted us to get back together, there is no way in heaven or on earth that I'd be entertaining this, I'd actually be furious if she did this to the point where I would never speak to her again. Life goes on, if you want this guys opinion, when you see someone you really love and adore moving on with someone else, a part of you dies there and then, you will never look at that person in the same light again. If you do proceed with this and tell him your regrets, bear in mind that you could have damaged him & any future you might have had with him irrepairably by having gone down this road in the first place. I strongly suggest drawing a line under it and chalk it all up to experience. That's my two cents worth, then and again, maybe your ex is more forgiving than I am...

Wing Walker

Gil_Dub wrote:

As long as you carry this baggage, you're stuffed - Plain and simple.

Couldn't have said it better myself. You need to decide what you want first and then decide who you need to really talk to, the ex or the guy who you haven't really given 100% to?

Best of luck with it.

Darragh29

For what it's worth, here's my two cents...

I was in a similar situation to this years ago, was going out with my childhood sweetheart for many years, we were so close I couldn't describe it here. Where it all went wrong, I still wonder about, I know it was my fault for sure, immaturity at the age that I was being a major factor, but to make a long story short, we broke up and as time moved on, we moved on with other people, but we always remained in touch on a daily basis and we still remained close until recently, something that I now regret having allowed to happen. She got into a relationship with another guy and they started living together. There were times in the past where I would have done anything for us to get back together, I can remember being on my knees in churches on many occasions praying that it would all come good and work out, but life moved on and we were obviously not meant to be together, and where I am now, and remembering the level of difficulty I had in getting over her and seeing her getting into a serious relationship with another guy, them moving in together, all of that, if it happened that she knocked on my door and told me she had regrets about what happened between us in the past and wanted us to get back together, there is no way in heaven or on earth that I'd be entertaining this, I'd actually be furious if she did this to the point where I would never speak to her again. Life goes on, if you want this guys opinion, when you see someone you really love and adore moving on with someone else, a part of you dies there and then, you will never look at that person in the same light again. If you do proceed with this and tell him your regrets, bear in mind that you could have damaged him & any future you might have had with him irrepairably by having gone down this road in the first place. I strongly suggest drawing a line under it and chalk it all up to experience. That's my two cents worth, but best of luck with what you do anyway...

LegacyUser

Darragh29 wrote:

but life moved on and we were obviously not meant to be together, and where I am now, and remembering the level of difficulty I had in getting over her and seeing her getting into a serious relationship with another guy, them moving in together, all of that, if it happened that she knocked on my door and told me she had regrets about what happened between us in the past and wanted us to get back together, there is no way in heaven or on earth that I'd be entertaining this, I'd actually be furious if she did this to the point where I would never speak to her again.

I appreciate what you are saying to some extent, but I really dont understand how you can say if its meant to be etc.... You make things happen. I dont believe in fate and all that crap. You can either fight for something you want or let it go. It is up to you. People make choices every day that effect their lives. If you regret a choice you made why not try to make it right.

Why would you spurn her if she wanted to get back with you? Why on earth would you hate her for it? Surely someone being honest about their feelings towards you is something to be grateful for, even if you dont feel the same way, would you not rather know? What good does it do you in life to go around thinking that X is the truth when it turns out Y was the truth all along and no one told you.

You only get one chance at life. Its too short to harbour grudges and resentment.

Darragh29

I don't hate the girl or anything like that, if I passed her on the street tomorrow we'd get on great and I have a lot of respect for her, if she ever needed help I'd be the first to run to her side. It's difficult to describe where I'm coming from with this. We were so close, the fact that it could end up the way it ultimately did, with us both moving on to serious relationships with other people just meant for me we could never be together again, when we were together, we never looked at other people in that way, I adored her and I think she adored me. I think we will both come to regret it some day, but life goes on as sure as the tide comes in and goes out every day. I just would not want to have my life disturbed the way it was in the past, turned upside down and inside out and the fact that what we had could be replaced by someone else, means for me there will never be any going back. That's my two cents worth, I know it must be hard to understand, can't say I fully understand it myself to be honest but you do your best I guess.

Zombrex

regretful wrote:

I appreciate what you are saying to some extent, but I really dont understand how you can say if its meant to be etc.... You make things happen.

I agree totally with that.

First thing I think you should do is tell your ex that you still love him deeply, that you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Don't be surprised if he says no thanks, been there done that. He might not trust you, or believe you. He might think you are just saying this now, and when another bad patch comes along (and they always do) you will leave him again. So you can't really blame him if he doesn't go for it.

But at least you will have closure either way.

A secondary thing is all this is probably quite unfair on your current boyfriend. Perhaps it is time to end it with him, if you see it going no where. A bit of time on your own might be helpful, if your ex doesn't take you back, and give you a chance for a clean slate.

Darragh29

But what has changed that has you now feeling that you made a big mistake and want to get back with this guy and spend your life with him??? How did you come to realise that you made this mistake?

judybaby

The mind has a funny way of forgetting the "bad bits" that went on in a relationship. You left this guy initially because it wasn't working. Remember that. Don't try and get him back. Leave it where it is ...in the past. If it's not "happening" with current guy and you are still of thinking of Mr Ex...just get out this current relationship. You'll be one step closer to meeting your husband and will let this guy find someoone who truly loves him. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Darragh29 wrote:

But what has changed that has you now feeling that you made a big mistake and want to get back with this guy and spend your life with him??? How did you come to realise that you made this mistake?

I dont know exactly. It has been a gradual thing that has happened over the past 2.5 years that we have been apart. I was very messed up when we broke up - and it was a mutual decision. We both needed space. It just turned out that I started seeing someone three months later who made me feel good and made me feel like a person again. Its hard to explain. Now that I am in a much healthier place, thanks mainly to the person I am seeing now, I can see now my part in all that happened and I see how things I got upset over and thought we so important are not important to me anymore. They are trivial details of life that dont interest me. I guess i have grown up and time away from a very intense relationship has made me see it in a different light. If I had been the person back then I am now I think I would have reacted differently to the whole thing. I not only lost my boyfriend and who I thought was going to be my husband, I also lost my best friend. And i miss him. Time hasnt healed it, it has only made me miss him more.

Darragh29

A lot of what you said above I cen relate directly to. Issues that were a major factor in us breaking up just would not be important now, they would be non issues or things you would laugh at now, but seemed very important and matters of high principle back then and these small issues became big contentious issues on a daily basis back then. Also, with a few years wisdom and maturity, I know I would not do silly things now that caused big problems years ago but that's just part of growing up, so I can see exactly where you are coming from on that front.

What I see being the key problem is if you meet someone who you are meant to spend your life with and you break up and move on and become intimate with other people, the damage is done and it can't be fixed. This might have been specific to my own situation because we had never been with any other people before we met so this was unique in itself I suppose.

It's effectively doing the dirt on that person, because you are are meant to be with one person for life but turning your back on that and going into a relationship with someone else. I know this doesn't make any sense, I'm not getting what is in my head down on this post, but maybe you might be able to pick up on what I'm getting at. I couldn't understand how she could move on, for years I couldn't look at another girl and I had loads of chances, the outcome of that experience is that I learnt to come to terms with change and deal with things that I actually never thought would happen to me and there is no way I'd ever entertain a deep conversation with her now never mind a relationship with her again, in this life or the next, no matter what kind of conversion or updated realisation that she thought she had, because we had perfect happiness, we came to a crossroads and it was either sort it out and work through the problems or else go down seperate roads and go down seperate roads we did, despite my begging us not to throw away all that we had. We dealt with it in one way and we live with the consequences for the rest of our years, be they good or bad I think.

Because the same thing could and in all likelihood would happen again, happiness & bliss for a while, then problems again and I'm spending the next five years picking up the pieces while she moves on and would probably living with someone else or in any event in a serious relationship with someone else. It is a purely hypothetical situation in my own case that I never have to worry about because it would never happen thank God and if it did I'd deal with it on the spot without having to think about it but I pity any guy or girl who would have to deal with it and have their head wrecked like this. The morale of the story is when you meet the person you are going to spend your life with, don't mess it up. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh or off putting, good luck with whatever you decide to do...

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. I thought alot about it over the past 24 hours and I have decided to say nothing. I presume if he felt even part of what I have been feeling these past few months he would have found some way to hint it to me in the many emails we have exchanged since christmas. I can only assume he is happy where he is at. I guess the only person in all this who needs to change is me. I have to move on in my own head. I just cant believe we will never be together again. But I guess that is the reality of the situation, and it has been for some time i have just been ignoring it.

In a way the best thing that could happen to me is if my ex told me he was getting married to his gf, that would take the possibility of getting him back off the table forever. Maybe the casual contact we have emailing each other every couple of weeks is not healthy for either of us.

Darragh29

Well maybe you should say something to him. There are only two real outcomes if you do, either he is open to the two of you getting back together on some level or he is absolutely closed to the idea. If he would be open to the two of you getting back together again, well then it's all to play for as they say. If he is as unforgiving as I am, well you have closure there as well, you have your answer, which I guess is a little better than the situation you are in at the moment, which is not knowing what the future holds for you on such an important matter. It might not be the right thing to assume my approach is the correct one for your situation. All I was trying to do was give you a flavour for what could happen, or what would happen if the same set of circumstances were unfolding in my own life, which does not mean they can be applied directly to your own situation.

BeardyGit

regretful wrote:

Thanks for all your replies. I thought alot about it over the past 24 hours and I have decided to say nothing. I presume if he felt even part of what I have been feeling these past few months he would have found some way to hint it to me in the many emails we have exchanged since christmas. I can only assume he is happy where he is at. I guess the only person in all this who needs to change is me. I have to move on in my own head. I just cant believe we will never be together again. But I guess that is the reality of the situation, and it has been for some time i have just been ignoring it.

In a way the best thing that could happen to me is if my ex told me he was getting married to his gf, that would take the possibility of getting him back off the table forever. Maybe the casual contact we have emailing each other every couple of weeks is not healthy for either of us.

You've hit the nail on the head. Good luck....

LegacyUser

regretful wrote:

Maybe the casual contact we have emailing each other every couple of weeks is not healthy for either of us.

casual contact wth an ex is never a good idea. its all or nothing imho. birthday and new years eve/xmas texts aside of course.