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High Speed Vibrations

  • 07-06-2006 12:04am
    #1
    Outcast
    Closed Accounts Posts: 372 ✭✭


    Hello again!
    I'm seriously undecided about this poem. I don't know if it's pure angsty drivel or actually something half decent. Your views on the matter would be welcome.
    Thanks!

    "On a high
    Swaying on the stairs
    Of the thirty seven bus
    Girls giggling and joking
    Smiling
    Happy days
    A caffeine high
    An alcohol high
    Serotonin flowing
    High speed vibrations
    Around Dublin
    Bouncing
    Skipping
    Dancing.

    On a low
    Door shutting
    Sinking to the floor
    Back to the wall
    Head dropping
    Face crumpling
    Tears flowing
    Sobs wracking
    A crippling emptiness
    No meaning
    No motivation
    The truth
    A face
    The world can’t see
    Slow, steady throbbing
    In my head
    Crying
    Alone"


Comments

  • #2
    shiv
    Closed Accounts Posts: 408 ✭✭shiv


    It has definite potential, but needs a bit more work methinks...

    I like the contrast between the two states, you just need a more feeling and originality in the phrases...

    Hope this helps :)


  • #3
    Matt Holck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,706 ✭✭✭Matt Holck


    my lows never have the energy to sob


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