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LegacyUser

I'd like to start out by saying, I'm not looking for any kind of medical advice and I'm going to see my doctor about the matter.

Two days ago I had an inevitable miscarraige. I considered my family to be complete, when I found out about the pregnancy. It was only in early stages, but I had conflicting thoughts about keeping the baby in the first place. I expect to be hounded by anyone against that, but the choice was taken away from me anyway when I miscarried. I couldn't cry while it was going on, and wouldn't have come across as someone who was losing a baby, until this morning. It has hit me full whack, everything that has happened and I cannot describe what it feels like. I'm tormented with "what if's" and guilt for not wanting another child. The whole process feels like a punishment. I'm so happy I have the children I do, but there is now a void or emptiness inside me I cannot shake off. I'm angry too, I was on the pill when I became pregnant, so I felt I had done my part in preventing pregnancy. I was stuck in a rut and cried bitterly over not wanting to have another child, and not wanting to be the one who terminated. I felt cheated, and spent weeks feeling anxious, teary and stressed, when I started to lose. I feel like it was taken away from me because I didn't deserve it now. That sounds ridiculous because I didn't want the baby in the first place. I just wish I never became pregnant at all.

I've an appointment with my doctor to discuss this, I know it is the best thing, but I also know it is good to talk about these things to others who may have gone through a similar experience. I would really appreciate any replies on this, I'm just unnerved from it all, and need to talk.

Thank you.

elliebn

hey there, really sorry to hear what happenend, i suffered a miscarriage two years ago. our situations are a bit different as it was my first pregnancy but it was a total shock not at all prepared and felt like it would mess up my plans. I was just coming round to the idea when i lost it. the feelings i had in the days weeks and months afterwards are so similar to what you are feeling.

nothing you could have done, said or felt caused this to happen. it just wasn't meant to be. a lot of the feelings that i had i think were down to hormones and thats something that i had no control over. if you want to pm me feel free but i think that what you are feeling is totally natural

hill

You didn't want the baby, it was an accident, but you decided to keep it.
My mother made the same decision, here I am.

Everything you did was in the best interests of the baby, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It wasn't something anyone could have prevented.

LegacyUser

Thank you both so much for replying. I know there was nothing I could have done. I just feel so selfish. Ellie, I'm sorry to hear you went through it too. I'm usually the kind of person that can fight off any problem, but this whole thing has brought me down. As time passes, I know it will hurt less and less. But it is quite raw in my mind now, and I can't think of much else.

If anyone asked me about it before this morning, I was telling them I was fine, these things happen etc. I'm so afraid I'll burst out crying now, and I just don't want to see anyone. The doctor I'll make an exception, but it just feels like people are looking at me, and it is making me uncomfortable - borderline angry. I'm sure that sounds silly. But I'm afraid of how I will react now.

LegacyUser

I tried to post a little earlier, but it doesn't seem to have come out.
Thank you for your kind replies. Ellie I'm sorry to hear you went through a miscarraige too. At the moment I can't think of much else, and my humour is unpredicatable. I'm usually such a strong person. I went to do the school run this morning, and noticed one of my neighbours just looking at me. I thought I was going to blow a fuse. I've some family on my street, who simply don't know how to keep their mouths shut, so at this point I don't even want to leave the house. I'm sure they mean well, but there are others who thrive on the latest bit of scandal, and it's sickening.

I feel like I've lost control. My eyes well-up at will, and get angry with myself over it. I'm told it gets easier, and I'm sure it will. But it's very raw at the moment.