Parents seperating and I dont know what to do

LegacyUser

A few weeks ago me and my mother discoverd that my father was cheating. This is the third time he has done this, and all three times he has been with the same woman. It has really been cutting my mother up and I hate the ba*$ta@rd for doing this to her and me. He had been seeing her for 3 months previously to us finding out. My mother is in a terrible state and I feel she is close to a nervous breakdown. I have tried to get her to have professional help but she refuses claiming that she is perfectly sane. She talks about what happened every hour of the day. About 2 weeks ago I told my father that if he ever seen that woman again that I would never speak to him again. My mother could not handle it and I dont think I can either. My father has been telling my mother that if there is no chance of them getting back together that he will see who he likes. Me or my mother have no problem with him getting on with his life as long as its not with this wiman who has ruined our lives 3 times.

Anyway we discovered last night that my father has still been in contact (i.e by telephone) with this other woman. He claims its not that easy to loose contact with her. I told him that it is really easy to loose contact with someone if you really want to, and I will prove it to him if he doesnt do it (i.e I will loose contact with him) This morning he rang to confess that he had spent a night in a hotel with her 2 sundays ago, 2 days after I first telling him that if he did not stop seeing her that I would stop seeing him. He said that has been the only time and that he is sorry and he is going to loose contact now and be a better father. I told my mother this and now she wants me to give him no more chances. She wants me to carry out my threats. I dont know what to do. My mother is at breaking point. I am trying to be strong for her. I know that I will eventually move on and have my own life but my mother has to live with this for ever. I just dont know what to do.

Sorry if this is all over the place. its just that I am so confused and dont know what to do.

Beruthiel

on_the_edge wrote:

I told my mother this and now she wants me to give him no more chances. She wants me to carry out my threats.

Your Mother has no right whatsoever to ask this of you, at the end of the day, he's your Da, the only one you've got. Yes, he's a cad and has hurt your mother terribly but that still doesn't give her the right to ask what she has.
Obviously things have not been good between your parents for a long time if your Da is straying.
Its not good or healthy for you to be piggie in the middle.
You cannot order your Da to do what you wish. I know I certainly wouldn't take any orders from my daughter.
For your own good, I would suggest you stay out of their business here, difficult and all as that is for you. Neither do they have any right to be dragging their kid into these problems, it's just not good parenting. They need to stop, you should point this out to them.
They are your parents, keeping a relationship with both of them is all you need to do here.
Your poor Ma sounds to be in a terrible state. I would continue to suggest that she see a professional, sounds like she needs to badly.

I just dont know what to do.

Again
It's not up to you to do anything, you're the child.
Leave it to them to sort themselves out

pclancy

I know what you're going through mate and its terrible to be thrown in the middle like that. I think you have to step back a bit, let them sort out their problems and try not get dragged in too much. At the end of the day they're both still your parents and you'll regret it later in life if you dont speak to either of them. I know you're feeling a lot of anger towards your da and your mother's pushing you towards not talking to him but it has to be you alone that decides what to do and I personally regret hating my father for ages when he did the same thing to us.

You're better off talking to friends/family even your doctor about stuff like this, I found my mates to be the best possible outlet for feelings of anger and frustration and feelings like "why is this happening to me?". You have to remember its not your fault, peoples feelins for each other change over time and under it all your parents still love you. It hurts a lot but you have to let your father choose his way and be as supportive to your ma as possible but dont fall out with your father for ever and dont stop talking to him. Silence only makes things way worse with time.

LegacyUser

You see my father has constanly been lying(sp?) to me. He just does not seem capable of telling the truth. My father has a job that he is out on his own, and he use to bring this other woman with him. My mother is now going to ring his boss and tell him what he has been doing.

You might not believe me when I say this but I thought that things had never been so good between my parents until this bomb was dropped. My mother was also of this opinion. I think it is just pure selfishness that has my father wandering all the time. He could not have a better life than he has at home. I think there maybe something not right with him. He maybe a sex addict, or maybe just a pure pervert, I dunno

Beruthiel

on_the_edge wrote:

My mother is now going to ring his boss and tell him what he has been doing.

:eek:
that's truly stepping over the line!

LegacyUser

I cant really stand back and let them sort it out because I have to be there for my ma. She is in a terrible state and I have to be supportive to her. My father has caused this situation, my mother has not and because of this her life has been turned upside down. The more and more she tells me things about my father I didnt know, well I knew bits of but not the whole story, I end up hating him more. She tells me about the last 2 times he done the same thing and promised he would not do it again. She tells me what he was like privately to her. Things a kid would not normally be told by there mother about there father, but she wants me to see him for what he is really like. From talking to my father I still dont think that he believes what he has done is wrong. I think he only cares for himself and that the only reason he is sorry is because he was caught and now has lost the comfort of home family life, i.e. having a loving caring wife to look after him, cook his dinner, clean up after him, practically do everything for him

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

:eek:
that's truly stepping over the line!

I know, I have begged her not to do it. She doesnt care of the reprecusions. She wants to hurt him as much as she can now, because of his continous lying over there 25 years of marriage, cheating 3 times and continuing to lie even after he was caught. She says she would rather live on water than see that B@st@rd get away with it. The thing is he has always been supportive with money to her since they seperated

Beruthiel

on_the_edge wrote:

The thing is he has always been supportive with money to her since they seperated

Which will end if he were to loose his job over this.

As for telling you about their private life, I'm shocked! Seriously, any parent worth their salt would never involve a child in this, she does not have the right to do this to you. A child should make up their own mind with regards to their relationship with a parent, it should not be infulenced by the other parent. End of story.

LegacyUser

Although it may be difficult to separate you own feelings from the influence of your Mum's; if you do feel that you should cut contact (at least for a while), then that is the correct route. Ultimately I feel that your father could do with some tough love. He has lied and deceived those who should be closest to him. He is probably to insecure to do the honourable thing and leave your Mum to be with this other woman. It's easier for him to go behind your Mum's back. I doubt he will make a clear choice (your Mum or another woman) unless his hand is forced.

Your Mum definitely needs to talk to someone (possibly Accord or some other service?). In my experience, while you should support her you should not council her. The more emotionally involved you get the more you will get hurt. If she has any sisters / friends that have been through something similar they might be able to proffer advice.

For what it's worth, I would cease all contact with my father if he did something similar; not for my Mum, but for me. I would feel betrayed and for me some time away to rebuild confidence in my relationship with my father is called for. If you feel that ultimately it would help your relationship, then it is worth considering.

Talliesin

on_the_edge wrote:

I have tried to get her to have professional help but she refuses claiming that she is perfectly sane.

Best to get the professional help while you're still sane.

on_the_edge wrote:

Me or my mother have no problem with him getting on with his life as long as its not with this wiman who has ruined our lives 3 times.

Your father chose to have an affair with this woman, who quite possibly didn't know he was married when it began.

I'm not saying she is free of culpability, just that he is more culpable.

Since he's no longer with your mother he is free to see who he wants romantically. If the attraction was strong enough for him to return to her 3 times when he was married, why are you expecting him not to do so now he's separated.

on_the_edge wrote:

I told my mother this and now she wants me to give him no more chances. She wants me to carry out my threats.

Her relationship to you is mother-child. His relationship to you is father-child. Their relationship to each other is now purely a matter of sharing in the parentage of you and any siblings you have. It is not for one of them to say how you may deal with the other, unless they have genuine grounds that the other parent poses a direct danger to you.

on_the_edge wrote:

My mother is now going to ring his boss and tell him what he has been doing.

If I was his boss my response would be, "stop calling me".

S/he's his boss, not his moral guardian. If his boss did do anything about it he could get himself a half-decent industrial tribunal lawyer and not have to work for some time. (Though in a way, given that if there isn't an agreement in place about finances you mum could claim half of it, that's not the worse plan, in a sneaky way).

I'm not saying you have to keep your relationship going with your father (I haven't talked to mine in over a decade), but you need to decide on how you are going to deal with your father and on how you are going to deal with your mother. Don't play go-between or allow yourself to be a weapon in a dispute between them.

metrovelvet

OP- Can you tell us how old you are? Do you have siblings? Are you living at home? Have you parents changed their living arrangements yet?

First of all, both of your parents are triangulating, and you have to be strong and extricate yourself from this. They are adults and should not be using and exploiting their child to relate to each other. Sadly, it sounds as if there is no one to protect you from their bull****. You will have grow up very fast and protect yourself.

Secondly, what your mother is doing is called Parental Alienation. Its when one parent campaigns to denigrate the other. [In some courts in the US its considered or can be a form of child abuse when it comes to custody battles]. There is a more severe form of it called PAS [Parental Alienation Syndrome]. They really need to be made aware of how damaging this is.

Your father and his affairs - to a large extent we never really know our parents nor can we fathom the cruelty that we are capable of bestowing on each other. He has lied elaborately and has hurt your family and is now also dumping his **** on you, his child. If you need space from him take it, but this is your father and you have a relationship with him which is unique and separate from your mothers relationship with him. Im sure you are feeling powerless and these threats and ultimatums give you temporary relief from those feelings. But be good to yourself and focus on what you need right now.

I'm sure your mother is in pain and that this is perhaps one of the most stressful things to go through next to bereavement, but she must not sabotage the relationship between you and your dad nor should your dad be telling you about his affairs. Be active about not getting involved. Take a "talk to the hand" approach. This will take a stamina and fortitude that you may not as of yet in your life had to demand of yourself. It will be tough but you will get stronger.

Your parents are dumping on you. Dont let yourself be used.

beth-lou

Was in the exact same position myself at the age of 15. My folks seperated when I was 17. I knew every minute detail of my parents relationship and of his affair. I thought that it was great that I was there for my mother and ended up not talking to my Dad for about 3 years.

The thing that I learned from all of this, with hindsight and a lot of soul searching and growing up is this, parents should not rely on their children to sort out their marraige problems. A parent should try to not talk badly about the other parent in front of their kids if at all possible as it leads to feelings of guilt and confusion in the child (this applies even if you're an adult) as they are forced to choose a parent.

Yes your Dad has betrayed your mother and you by this affair. But he is still your Dad, and people make mistakes. I'm not excusing what he has done, I know the devastation that has been thrown on your family. But if he is not in love with your mother any more, the relationship will disintegrate even more and home life will become unbearable.

It is ok for your Mam to talk to you about the fact that she's hurting and equally for you to discuss your hurt. But believe me, knowing every detail about your Dad will not be beneficial to you. In fact it might screw you up a little bit for a while. It is not fair for your Mam to expect you to follow through with threats of not talking to your Dad ever again if he sees this woman.

The hard truth is this. If he wants to see her again he will. If he is not with your mother anymore, the likelyhood is that he will see her and probably move in with her. This is what happened with my Dad, and he subsequently went on to have two children with his "mistress". Whom I love dearly.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't burn your bridges with your Dad. This is a relationship problem between your parents, and one that only they can sort out. You can't make your Dad do anything. These are his decisions to make. He may choose this other woman. Then what? Will you never talk to him again? I think you will. Don't make promise to your Mam that you can't keep. Aside from him lying to you, you don't mention any other problems that you have with him. If he has been a good father in all other respects, you will eventually forgive him. Not right away, but somewhere down the road you will, and you should. Who knows what mistakes you might make throughout your life.

In my situation I have moved on. My Mam hasn't, but I can't be responsible for that. They are her issues and it's 17 years on now and I am not going to live in the past. I love my Dad despite his flaws. It doesn't mean I love my Mam any less although sometimes she'll still make me feel like I'm betraying her if we go out for dinner or if I don't agree with her when she's ranting on about things from the past.

You have to make your own mind up on this. Take time away from himif neccessary. But don't tell him you'll never talk to him again. You will. And maybe try to step back a bit. If I could go back again, I'd probably step back a bit for my own sake. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Not entirely, but a little.
Stay strong and PM me if you want. It will get better.

Hippo

on the edge, try and have a good look all the above replies carefully, there's some fantastic advice here. all the best.

krankykitty

OP, I had a very similar story to both you and Beth Lou.
I too was dragged into the situation and knew every minute detail of what was going on. I had to keep everything going for my mother, and meanwhile I also felt abandoned by my dad who had basically left me to pick up the pieces. I ended up not talking to him for several years and it's only now, 10 years Im getting back to having a relationship with him.

Please, please look after yourself during this time. You don't say how old you are but I was a teenager at the time and I remember feeling so stressed about the responsibility of having to keep it all together for my mother and sister, and also I had relations telling me I had to be the strong one etc etc, which didn't help
After all, although your mum must be devastated, you've also been hurt by YOUR father and if i could turn back time, I would definitely try to stay in the background, and tell my parents I didn't want to know about the details. Easier said than done I know.

Get your mum some professional help and also, make sure to talk to someone yourself if you feel you need to. You sometimes can get so caught up caring about the rest of the family in situations like this that you forget about looking after yourself.

I don't know your age, but there is a counselling service called Teen Between which helps teenagers with this situation
http://www.mrcs.ie/TeenBetween.html

Sleepy

Another person here who's been through the same ****e.

Stay out of it. Entirely. Period. End of Story.

The seperation is between your parents and it's not your job to keep your Mum's head together, all you'll do is make a mess of your own.

up for anything

I may be wrong here but it sounds to me like it isn't your father that is the problem here but your mother. There are always two sides to every situation. I don't mean to be nasty but it sounds to me like your father was escaping your mother and although she may be the injured party as regards your father's affair(s) that she is behaving as way more than just 'a woman scorned' and deeply upset that her marriage has ended up this way. She sounds seriously deranged in the way that you describe that she is carrying on and encouraging and even demanding that you do towards your father as well. As a mother I cannot believe another mother would demand that of her child but then again I'm long enough in the world to realise that it can and does go on.

As the other's say you need to stand back from the situation. You are hurting badly and neither of your parents seem to acknowledge this or even want to. You don't say what age you are but it sounds to me like you are still at school and therefore not in a position to make an escape from home. Do you have any relative you could go and stay with for the Summer. You need to get out of the situation and let the pair of them sort it out between them and maybe shock them into realising how they are damaging you. Your mother needs to cop on to herself and start acting like the adult she is and your father should not be happy to get away and leave you to carry the can. He made promises to your mother when they married and the least he can do is be responsible for her and not just make his escape and heave a sigh of relief at quitting the mess he left behind. I'm not saying he should go back to her but he needs to take some responsibility for the deteriorating situation. Your mum needs mental health help badly by the sound of it (and may have for longer than you know) and you are not the person who should be left responsible for her.

beth-lou

up for anything wrote:

I may be wrong here but it sounds to me like it isn't your father that is the problem here but your mother. There are always two sides to every situation. I don't mean to be nasty but it sounds to me like your father was escaping your mother and although she may be the injured party as regards your father's affair(s) that she is behaving as way more than just 'a woman scorned' and deeply upset that her marriage has ended up this way. She sounds seriously deranged in the way that you describe that she is carrying on and encouraging and even demanding that you do towards your father as well. As a mother I cannot believe another mother would demand that of her child but then again I'm long enough in the world to realise that it can and does go on.

As the other's say you need to stand back from the situation. You are hurting badly and neither of your parents seem to acknowledge this or even want to. You don't say what age you are but it sounds to me like you are still at school and therefore not in a position to make an escape from home. Do you have any relative you could go and stay with for the Summer. You need to get out of the situation and let the pair of them sort it out between them and maybe shock them into realising how they are damaging you. Your mother needs to cop on to herself and start acting like the adult she is and your father should not be happy to get away and leave you to carry the can. He made promises to your mother when they married and the least he can do is be responsible for her and not just make his escape and heave a sigh of relief at quitting the mess he left behind. I'm not saying he should go back to her but he needs to take some responsibility for the deteriorating situation. Your mum needs mental health help badly by the sound of it (and may have for longer than you know) and you are not the person who should be left responsible for her.

You're asumming a lot about the mother there. Yes she is wrong to be putiing all this pressure on her child, but seperation and the discovery of this kind of betrayal rarely leads to rational thought. And remember her whole life has been turned on it's axis. She will be highly emotional for a while, unless she's superwoman.
To say that their mother is deranged is insulting and shows a grave lack of understanding of the situation. It is far more complicated than you seem to be able to comprehend. This is the OP's mother you are talking about. They have enough to worry about without you saying that she is deranged. She's actually going through the motions, and is entitled to be emotional. Having said that it is unfair of her to put this responsibilty on the OP, but unfortunately at the moment all she can she is her own grief and the betrayal the father has brought on the whole family.

I agree that she needs professional help, a councillor, but certainly not a mental hospital. I too am a mother and have had a mother devastated by a similar situation. She just needs support and councilling until she canaccept it. But it should come from friends and her own family not her children.

luckat

Beth-Lou's right. Stay well out of it - these are two adults who have a problem with their relationship.

You have a relationship with your mother, and loyalty towards here. You have a relationship with your father, and loyalty towards him.

How they relate to each other is none of your business, and they shouldn't involve you.

The only thing you might suggest is that they go to family mediation.

Your mother sounds so angry and hurt. But ringing your dad's boss? Heh! What business is it of his work if he has another relationship outside marriage! Why should they care?

There's also another person involved here - your father's lover. And what if they have children?

If everyone isn't going to get even more hurt, mediation is the best way of starting to find a solution.

As for yourself, for goodness sake don't get dragged into it. If your mother tries to get you to do stuff, or your father, just say "Look, Mam/Dad, I love you both. Please don't ask me to take sides."

And try to distract her from the whole miserable business - her anger isn't helping either you or her.

Xterminator

Beth Lou, he may be assuming a lot about the mother, but everyone else is assuming a lot about the father!!

Truth be told, the poster doesnt even know the whole story.

I have personal exeperrice of a situation like this.

Here is my thoughts.

My thoughts on your father.

Your father has a right to be happy. If thats not with your mother, you will have to accept this. Tellng him who he can see, is not your place.

Their marrage was not ok, despite what your mother may have to say.
Your father's conduct townard your mother is questionable, but often in a 'dead' marrage, the unhappy person doesnt want to rock the boat, and just acts like all in normal, especially when there are children involved.

It isnt until something happens ,like they meet another person, that they get the motivation to end the relationship. Hence you thinking everything was ok, when in fact it may not have been for years.

However if he had ended his relationship with your mother before 'cheating' it would have perhaps been fairer. We dont know whe he didnt. It may be he knew your mother would try to destroy his relationship with you/his boss/ threatened to kill herself ... who knows. Perhaps when your calmer ask him.

He shouldnt have lied to you, but then your were threatheing to cut off all contact, and he does seem to b trying to clear things up with you.

Your mother.

She sholuld not be using us a weapon in this dispute. She should actually be encouraging you to continue seeing your father, if she were thinking of whats good for you (and parents should put the childs welfare above their own). But in her hurt she isnt doing this, understandble perhaps, but not right or fair on you.

And regardless of their personal relationship problems, to try to take away his job, will hurt him, you, and herself, and is a sign she may have lost her senses.

You

You should try not to take sides openly. You can support your mum, without siding against your dad. You can be there for her, and you will obviusly remain living with her. Bet tell her criticisng him on front of you is not right.

When the dust settles, you can have a chat with your dad, and tell him how you feel. You can ask him why it happened, etc. But as above he has the right to be happy.

X

beth-lou

Xterminator,

Were you in a similar situation, ie you had an affair on your wife, or you were the child in the situation?

Just curious to know.

If you read my post you will see that I have said she should forgive her father and accept it if he is moving on. People make mistakes.

metrovelvet

For anyone who has been monkey in the middle and felt like they were developing spousal relationships with a parent [that will sound weird to anyone who hasnt been a child in a divorce] this will be of interest to you.

http://joy2meu.com/EmotionalIncest.html

An excerpt:

Emotional incest occurs when a child feels responsible for a parents emotional well-being. This happens because the parents do not know how to have healthy boundaries. It can occur with one or both parents, same sex or opposite sex. It occurs because the parents are emotionally dishonest with themselves and cannot get their emotional needs met by their spouse or other adults. John Bradshaw refers to this dynamic as a parent making the child their "surrogate spouse." Emotional incest occurs when a child feels responsible for a parents emotional well-being. This happens because the parents do not know how to have healthy boundaries. It can occur with one or both parents, same sex or opposite sex. It occurs because the parents are emotionally dishonest with themselves and cannot get their emotional needs met by their spouse or other adults. John Bradshaw refers to this dynamic as a parent making the child their "surrogate spouse."

X-terminator- with all due respect, OP has a right to a childhood.

up for anything

beth-lou wrote:

You're asumming a lot about the mother there.

I too am a mother and have had a mother devastated by a similar situation. She just needs support and councilling until she canaccept it. But it should come from friends and her own family not her children.

Firstly, any assumptions I have made about the OP's mother have come from what was written by the OP. Yes my comments could be regarded as harsh but they are how I see the situation [insert usual caveat here about posting looking for advice and opinions on internet board and not liking some of the replies you may get]. Yes, it is wrong to cheat in a relationship but sometimes for various reasons it may be excusable.

Secondly, as someone who has been personally touched by this sort of situation you can hardly say that any advice you give is impartial.. which mine is.

I'm sorry, OP if what I've written upsets you but it's how I read the situation.

Xterminator

beth-lou wrote:

Xterminator,

Were you in a similar situation, ie you had an affair on your wife, or you were the child in the situation?

Just curious to know.

If you read my post you will see that I have said she should forgive her father and accept it if he is moving on. People make mistakes.

One of the children in this case. And yes initally the feeling was to support to jilted spouse, (in my case my father).

X-terminator- with all due respect, OP has a right to a childhood.

I agree.
i dont think anything i suggested in incompatable with this, however childhood is often a casualy of parental breakup, and even more likely in a messy break up.

Are you suggesting that by lumping all the blame on one parent, and not remaining neutral will actally benift the adolesecant in question?

I'd suggest long term its more damaging actually.

X

oulu

Sorry to be blunt , but first things first you Father has not cheated on you he has cheated on his wife lets be clear about that, For you not to speak to your father would be really a inmature thing to do, you can be mad at him and even dislike ,Has he been a good Father to you? if the answer is yes then that will continue nothing has changed there, My wife's Father was a serial cheater even had a woman in the family home when the wife was giving birth to there first child, Now they divorced 15 yrs later having 4 kids together, even though the wife did not speak to him for over 10 yrs after the divorce. She made sure that the kids went to stay with him at the times stated by the courts and never to get involved with what happened between them.And the eldest child like you hated him so much and did not want to stay with him at all, but the mother made sure she went with her siblings ,that is now over 20 yrs back. all kids love their Dad but if it had not for their Mother insisting in them seeing him as much as possiable, they would probaley have had little or no contact with him. Your Mother is upset but is been selfish buy using you as a weapon.There is a saying "dont judge a person unless you have walked in his shoes". there have been weddings since and both talked and got on for the sake of the kids, grandkids etc. I think you need to reliase that they are both grown up's. There are enough Dads in this Country that dont get to see their kids throught no fault of their own, dont let your Dad be another. Please dont threaten you Dad with not seeing him. Remember your time will come when you get married you might fall out of love with your hubby it happens, and what would you think if you daughter behaved like you, best of luck