My messed up life?

LegacyUser

Part of me writing this wants to do it cause it might make me see sense the rest of me obviously wants what advice i can get.

To start with i'm in my 30's and have moved from a city to a rural part of the country in the last 2-3 yrs. I think this has been more difficult on me then i imagined. In just over one year i moved counties, jobs, moved in with my future in laws (while future wife stayed livin in dub wtf), built a house and got married. I am now married and also having an affair that is purely sexual due to wife having a much lower sex drive and not being at all adventourous (it's not her fault and i obviously dont blame her)

I have very few friends anymore though i have a great relationship with family members. I dont tend to make an effort when it comes to keeping friends i also have a very compulsive nature. Last year i did a tri athlon trained really hard for it did it and the next day went back smoking and i have now undone all the good work!! My latest buzz is gambling (not the cheapest of my hobbies to date) but like all things i will get bored and keep lookin for another thrill and as i think about it i am begining to feel the same about the affair

I do truly want to end the affair and i dont like my job either (i work with fellow adulteror) but i have become so unmotivated i am the manager where i work and i spend all day just trawling the net looking at sites particularly porn when nobdy is around. Plus i now work a 4 day week for the same money i was on and keep thinkin movin will be so hard yet at the back of my mind i know that it will sort a huge amout of problems it is also very difficult to get a job in my area anywhere localish (as in this county or surrounding ones)

I am not sure any of this makes sense but my goals for this year is

stop smoking (done)
Stop Affair
Get New Job
Do Marathon
Stop the compulsive beast with in me

I do truly love my wife more then she will ever know and it would kill me to hurt her by her discovery of this affair. So please dont advice me to tell her.

Any advise/criticism/comments would be great

hepcat

Are you living with your wife? You need to sort this out first. Stop the affair, and sort out your relationship with your wife. If there is a problem with sex, deal with it now rather than later. If you did actually love your wife, as you say you do, you would not be so casual about this affair and your reasons for having it. You married her recently enough, if you cannot be honest and decent with her, then end it now before ye have kids to think of.

You could easily get caught out watching porn in work. Stop it, and find a different job if you need to.

If you sort our your marriage, then either way you will be able to deal with the rest of the stuff. Gambling is stupid and you know it - is this a cry for attention? Why do you feel you need to do a marathon ffs? If you like sports, join a club and get involved in a team activity - no matter what you say it would be a good idea to make friends

You sound unhappy - make it your new compulsion to sort everything out, permanently.

Unpossible

Why do you feel you need to do a marathon ffs?

maybe he needs a goal to train for, not everyone can just aimlessly join a club.

Out of curiousity what is wrong with your job? Can you get some kind of in-company transfer? Have you at least some kind of idea as to what job you would like to do instead?

Stopping the gambling is a good idea. From reading this it feels like you are bored with life, you need to train for something, you need the thrill of an affair and the thrill of gambling. But thats just my guess (and I am by no means an expert).

maybe try talking with someone professional

Wing Walker

twittwat wrote:

have moved from a city to a rural part of the country
having an affair that is purely sexual
i work with fellow adulteror
i spend all day just trawling the net looking at sites particularly porn when nobdy is around.

I do truly love my wife more then she will ever know and it would kill me to hurt her by her discovery of this affair. So please dont advice me to tell her.

FFS man, that's just not right.

I've recently moved to a more rural setting than I'm used to but I hope that's not your excuse for what you're doing. Have you ever heard about not ****ting on your own doorstep? How can you expect to have an affair with somone that you are manager over and NOT get caught? It never, ever works out like "ah sure it's a bit of fun and my wife has a low sex drive anyway"! I really hope that you're not working and living in the same area because word will spread quickly, if it hasn't done so already.

And trawling the net for unsavoury material. I don't think you'll have to worry too much about whether you want to stay in your current job if they find out what you're up to.

You have some serious issues here that only you can begin to set right. You don't want to tell your wife what you're up to? Chances are that she already suspects something. Women are very perceptive like that. How can you say you truly love her and then do something like this.

I think you need some kind of help but only you can decide to take that first step. I hope you make it sooner rather than later.

beth-lou

Your life is messed up because you have made a serious of bad decisions.
You need to start making good decisions and sticking to them before you are going to feel good about yourself.

Why are you living in a rural community with your wifes family while she is still in Dublin? You should be together.

Gambling is a fools game and you will never win. You need to seek help for this.

Looking at pornography all the time while in work is asking for trouble. In fact I would hedge a bet that sub conciously you want to get fired so as to extract yourself from your current situation ie the mistress, the porn on work computer and online gambling.

I suggest you move back to Dublin, find a good addiction councillor and start to have a relationship with your wife. Maybe you don't want to tell her about your affair, but you need to tell her how unhappy you are. You can not go on like this. You are snowballing towards a crash and when it comes out, which it will if you continue it will be much worse. You've taken a small step in the right direction by asking albeit strangers, for advice and admitting you have a problem. It will not sort itself out. You are going to have to work hard at this, but you can turn your life around.

Please seek help as soon as possible. for your sake as well as your wife. You seem deeply unhappy to me. But it can be fixed. You just have to try.

And dump your mistress today! You are betraying your wife, whatever excuse you make to yourself. And if you can't, then you have to let her go, because you are being selfish. You can't have it all. That's life. We all make sacrifices for what we want and compromise. Be fair to her if you love her and make a decision.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Wow I am an awful P***K and this not self pity so dont tell me i am not. When i read the replies your the majority of points are bang on the head. i need to sort of a lot of stuff out in my life especially my relationship with my wife and as from tomorrow I will tell the mistress that its over between us. If ye dont mind i might keep ya posted how things progress. Thanks again for your support and advice.

Victor

Can I suggest you not make any big leaps in the next few days? Could I suggest you talk to a relationship / marriage counsellor first, about how to go about this, just to help reduce the collateral damage?

secret_squirrel

I tend to agree with Victor on this one.

The Gambling, the affair, the lack of goals - they all seem to be symptoms of a more serious problem.

Suddenly changing one or two things isnt going to get to the root cause of your issues - its just continuing along the same path you are already on - chasing things for the novelty value.

I would get some professional help to try to identify the underlying cause of you current and historical behaviour. Only then will you be able to make informed long term changes that will break you out of your current cycle of thrill and change seeking for their own sake.

LegacyUser

Just decided i would let you people know how i have been have been doing. I'm going into my 4th week of having ended the affair. I have to say it was difficult and there have been difficult times since but well worth finshing.

I have sat down and had serious chats with my wife about what i thought were problems in the marriage and she told me what she thought was wrong and we both agreed on solutions that has been making life a lot better.

Regarding the pornography in work i have not looked at or even been tempted to since i ended the affair not sure if they are linked but there you go.

I have been actievely seeking employment elsewhere but have to say the job market is very quiet but i will not allow this to deter me or get me down.

With regards to personal goals I am now training for a triathlon later in the year. I did one last year. I am also trying to lose 2 stone before the event.

I'd like to thank you all again for the advice you have given in the past.

secret_squirrel

Fair play to you. Hope things continue to go well for you.