GF raped- what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi,

First off, this is a genuine thread and I badly need some advice.

I have being seeing a girl for roughly the last two months, and things have being going well. We have being taking things slowly and this weekend was going to be the first time we were to have sex.

Everything was going well until I was about to penetrate her and she tensed up and said she wasn't ready. I asked why, and that's when she said she was raped a few months previously, before I met her.

Naturally this was a shock, and she of course she was very upset. A few important points:

She never reported it and doesn't want to either.

The only one that knows apart from me is a GP she went to after it happened, and she doesn't feel she wants to talk to anyone else about it (friends, parents or professionals).

It has made it hard for her to sleep at night (I knew she had some trouble sleeping but thought it was just some temporary insominia).

Naturally enough it has made her shy around males (I being the first guy she has gotten very intimate with since).

Now it doesn't affect the way I feel about her at all, but I really want to help her through this. We had a good long discussion about it for most of the night. I encouraged her to tell me as much about it as she wanted to. I asked her to tell me about all the good guys she has met in her life, guys that are completely different to this rapist. And I asked her how she feels around me (very comfortable, even though it took a while to trust me.)

In conclusion, could prople please comment on this thread and offer some advice on things I could do for her to help her.

Thanks.

Talliesin

Sounds to me you're handling it very well.

If she decides down the line that she would like to talk to someone trained in such matters then the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre's number is 1800 778888. If you are elsewhere in Ireland I can get you more local numbers. However, that's just a matter of whether she decides she wants to talk to such a person, in the meantime she's said she doesn't and that's that. By all means say you think she should talk to someone else if you think she would benefit from that, but don't pressure her.

They'd also be prepared to listen if you yourself have issues about this. It's okay for you to have issues with this yourself.

There's no right way for her to deal with this.

There's no right way for you to deal with this.

You don't have to be the person that helps her through this if you don't feel cut out for it. It's great that you're trying to help her, but if things get hard down the line it can make a lot of difference to know that you're doing it because you want to help her, rather than because you feel burdened by it. Sometimes it's easier to deal with something you're not "stuck" with.

It's clear from the start of the post that you were at a point in the relationship where you wanted it to become physical, and that she was at least partly there too. This may take some time, and it may take a few false starts. Give her the space to make those false starts. If she feels comfortable that there is no point beyond which she can't stop it - that if she says no even in the middle of intercourse, or even if you've already made love in the past that you will stop and harbour no resentment - then she'll be in a position where she's only having to deal with her own issues, and not also second-guess how it's affecting you.

Beruthiel

It is a shame that she doesn't want to talk to a professional.
I don't think something like this will ever go away, it will always be on her mind, a professional would at least be able to teach her how to live with it, that's not something she can do on her own.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

I agree it would be best for her to talk to a professional, but she doesn't want to at all. She says she doesn't want to talk to family or friends either, as she reckons they would get too emotional and that would make her feel bad. She said though she felt a lot better talking to me about it.

Talliesin, I would like to try to help her through this, and I realise it will be challenging.

As regards sex, she does really want the relationship to get more physical. I told her that when she wants to try again, she can be in full control (think it may be best for her to be positioned on top as it would give her more control). I do admit that it will probably sometimes be difficult to be patient, but that's what i'll just have to do.

We'll just after to take our time and be patient.

Thanks again.

Nevyn

http://www.drcc.ie/services/friends.htm

The crisis centres do have help, support and info for family friends and partners.
I know you want to be there for her but as much as you can listen you are not a professional in these matters.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation with my wife, she was sexually abused when she was 13 ( we met when she was 19). She never got counselling, therapy, professional help or anything. Getting through this problem together is one thing but in my experience, we do not enjoy as full or open or honest intimate life together as we might have had the abuse not happened. Or, if she had received the counselling that she still so badly needs. My wife is now in her mid 30's and to be honest. These issues just don't go away on their own.

If your GF is retissent about talking with someone on this of course you can't force her in any way. Just be aware that it will have left enormous psychological and emotional damage. Damage that 2 decades won't heal, let alone 2 months.

...

DOLEMAN

An ex of mine was abused by her father and sister for years (yes, sister) and a few of my female friends have been raped/abused (seems to be unbelievably common!)

They all handle it in their own ways. No one can "help" them. Ultimately their feelings towards the situation are so strong that nothing you say or do will help them.

Just be nice and try not to talk about it unless she wants to. If you keep bringing it up "to help her" she'll dump you as you'll be wrecking her life.

No doubt you feel like you need to "save" this girl. You can't save her. Just be a good boyfriend and hope she can figure out a solution for herself.

6th

No advice i can give though i have experience with very sensitive situations myself.

You are doing great.

Blisterman

Why is not gonna report it? The guy's gonna get off scott free.

Töpher

Having been in a similar situation not too long ago, all I can do is echo the sentiments of those above.

Now is a time in which she will need comfort and assurance, as well as feeling like she is in full control of her actions. All you can do is respect her wishes with regards to talking to people/reporting the incident etc. The best thing you can for her is be there for her when she needs you - be that to listen to her, talk to her, hold her quietly, or anything else she needs. But remember, you are important in all of this too, if you find it difficult to cope there are people you can talk to for advice and so forth - similarly don't force yourself into trying to help her if you don't feel you can.

God only knows how she feels. It would appear like you've handled this in as mature a manner as any human being could be expected to, well done to you. If you can be there for support, whilst respecting her wishes with regards to what actions she wants to take, you'll be doing as good as can be done.

chump

Blisterman wrote:

Why is not gonna report it? The guy's gonna get off scott free.

the vast vast majority of them do anyway, unfortunately.

The best thing the OP can do for her is what he's doing now.
On top of that I really think he should use all his suggestive powers to try and get her to see a professional.

constitutionus

seems to me your handling this very well right now. like has been said how she deals with this is her thing. your role right now is to be supportive and you seem to be doing alot better than most. your best bet is to try to get her to talk to you about how this effects things with you as a couple. for all you know she could be beating herself up over how shes reacting with you when she genuinely wants to be intimate and you need to let her know you dont think less of her or want her less (yes i know that sound mad but alot of girls have problem with their bodies period, let alone the distress shes suffered. and they tend to direct that animosity on themselves, no matter how unjustified so she needs to hear how much you love her)
best of luck man, i hope things work out for you and considering how open you two can be i think you'll do alright if you keep going as you are

Thirdfox

Impossible to prove rape after a few months - I think the required evidence will have disappeared long ago.

The advice for anyone who has just been raped is turn into a Garda station - file a report and get a doctor to take samples for evidence (meaning no washing/changing clothes - although this is what someone raped would probably instinctively want to do).

I can't give any advice about your girlfriend's current situation though. Be there for her if she needs you, if not perhaps let her find her own way. (Meaningless rhetoric in many ways I'm afraid ).

LegacyUser

I have to say, fair play to you. You sound like you are giving your girlfriend a lot of support, and trying to help her as best you can.

I think what you are doing at the moment is going to be very helpful to your girlfriend. I think she is lucky to have you.

Give her time and an ear .. see how things go.

PullMyFinger!

You seem to be dealing with this very well but Im going to play devil's advocate and say that she may be saying this to get attention or is blowing it very much out of proportion. Im not saying this is the case but there are some very scary drama queens out there. Either way you're a very brave boyfriend. Best of luck.

OLDYELLAR

Well for starters its a very good sign that she was at least able to tell you about it and start talking to somebody , Dont push the issue though , she`ll talk when she wants to just give her time and support. Really all you can do is be there for her if and when she needs you.

Well the one piece of advice I would say is Dont try coaxing her to go to the guards , she didnt want to at the time and It would of been difficult enough telling the GP so leave that at that.

shinners007

i think your doing great OP. her speaking to you about this is at least a start. all you can continu doing is what you are at present an be supportive and sensitive. see than where th efuture takes ye in terms of profssional aid and sexual side of the relationship as well as emotional.

i really do think you are a great person the way your handling things.
best of luck

Talliesin

Blisterman wrote:

Why is not gonna report it? The guy's gonna get off scott free.

Because what lies ahead if you report it can be pretty terrible.

Never reported it when it happened to me. Yep, pissed off the guy got away with it. Sure as hell wouldn't report it if it happened a second time though.

My respect, admiration, and encouragement to anyone who does report a rape or sexual assault, but it's up to the survivor to decide in the end.

shinners007

how can one say there simply pissed off that he got away. a rapist will always be a rapist so other people are at risk.

an adult rapes a child report it or do nothing RESULT: another child raped.
an adult rapes an adult " " RESULT: another rape.
im sorry but i know people deal with things differently but i believe its wrong not to report rapes.

i had a close friend who's brother raped her for years. she never told she moved away and that was it. then at 26 she finds out he raped his own daughter of 5. she killed herself as she blamed herself that she never reported him. i lost a dear friend but her niece lost her innonce and childhood. the man is in a psych unit that is his punishment.
it makes be sick.

people act as if rapes just happen, get over it. that attitude is wrong.
the law is there for a reason.

Dragan

Sounds to me like your doing fine with it bro. As a bloke you want to think that you can make everything better, but you can't. You can't just help her out as she needs it.

The one point that i will make is that she is willing to get close to you, and wants to be, it's just the actions of another have given her reason to doubt her enjoyment of the act.

It may take her some time, but eventually she will reach a place where she can be comfortable with it again.

She may even do so much quiker with your help.

You seem like a decent skin, so just do what your doing.

Talliesin

shinners007 wrote:

how can one say there simply pissed off that he got away. a rapist will always be a rapist so other people are at risk.

Oh, I'm more than pissed off. He's dead now though, which is cool.

shinners007 wrote:

people act as if rapes just happen, get over it. that attitude is wrong.
the law is there for a reason.

I'm not a cop, the OP's girlfriend isn't a cop. Neither of us have to fight every battle that comes our way.

chump

shinners007 wrote:

how can one say there simply pissed off that he got away. a rapist will always be a rapist so other people are at risk.

an adult rapes a child report it or do nothing RESULT: another child raped.
an adult rapes an adult " " RESULT: another rape.
im sorry but i know people deal with things differently but i believe its wrong not to report rapes.

i had a close friend who's brother raped her for years. she never told she moved away and that was it. then at 26 she finds out he raped his own daughter of 5. she killed herself as she blamed herself that she never reported him. i lost a dear friend but her niece lost her innonce and childhood. the man is in a psych unit that is his punishment.
it makes be sick.

people act as if rapes just happen, get over it. that attitude is wrong.
the law is there for a reason.

I agree with you here, but it's one thing agreeing with your principles, it's entirely different for a victim to actually take that step.

Also let's not forget that the OP's rapist might not be known to her. It may have been a drunken thing with a blackout. It may have been anything. We don't know.

But I'd agree with you. It would be better if all rapes were reported.

But then again we bring up the other issue about how many reported rapes are women who're under the influence, make an unsound (unknown) choice, and then regret it (or forget it) and cry rape. None of us know how many cases are like this, but in my experience there's a lot of doubt among men (as well as women) about the validity of alot of rape claims, particularly when there are calls against top footballers/stars week after week that are obviously spurious, and usually proven to be so. Some of these people are chasing money, others are no doubt off their heads and end up getting involved in sordid things they obviously regret, and feel like they've been raped. But have they?

Talliesin

chump wrote:

But then again we bring up the other issue about how many reported rapes are women who're under the influence, make an unsound (unknown) choice, and then regret it (or forget it) and cry rape. None of us know how many cases are like this, but in my experience there's a lot of doubt among men (as well as women) about the validity of alot of rape claims, particularly when there are calls against top footballers/stars week after week that are obviously spurious, and usually proven to be so. Some of these people are chasing money, others are no doubt off their heads and end up getting involved in sordid things they obviously regret, and feel like they've been raped. But have they?

Leaving aside your apparant assumption that all rape victims are women (I'm not for a start), this has no bearing on the OPs position. His gf's clearly not falsely reporting a rape, since she isn't reporting one at all.

chump

I know. I was responding to the poster before myself, shinners007, and then I was asserting why his argument mightn't stand in this instance, and finally as a sort of aside I mentioned what you just quoted.

Yes, and I understand the flaw in my post for insinuating that all rape victims are women, and I apolgise, as this is obviously not the case.