messed up big time

LegacyUser

Ok I want to apologise in advance because this may be a muddled one.

I'm seeing a fantastic guy for just over a year. Good looking, sound, really, really kind...... basically faaaar too good for me. Thing is, tonight I went out with the girls and I got drunk and got chatting to a guy I know. This guy kissed me and I kissed him back. I stopped when I realised what happened and I cried the whole way home because I knew that I had abused my boyfriend's trust. I know that he would never have done it to me. He loves me so much and tells me as much every day. I love him too but I worry that he loves me more than I love him.

Things couldn't be worse. I have recently finished college and because I only did an arts degree my parents see it as a nothing degree. Like I wasted my time. My mother is totally cold and unfeeling. She was out tonight and my friend from college was there and my mother told me, in front of my friend, that her and my father would give me €5,000 if I moved out of the house tomorrow (basically anything to get me out) and then she said to my mate from college (that she'd never met before) "you must be so sick of listening to her shít. I have never felt so humiliated.

Basically my boyfriend wants us to move in together soon. I feel like I have no other option but to move in with him because my parents are so eager to get me out of the house. I have never felt so shít in my life.

I expect it from my mother. She's always been like this. But my dad was always my hero. I'm the youngest and I thought we'd always have that special bond. I guess I was wrong. He wants me out because as my sister said, he wants anything for an easy life.

i get called moody. I know I am, but when I'm in a bad mood, I take myself up to my room and I make sure I'm on my own so I'm not bringing anyone down. And yet still I get called a "moody bítch" or "a pain in the hole". I feel like I can't win.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I'm just feeling so shít about what I did to my boyfriend and about how unwanted I feel at home, that I felt the need to get it all out. I anyone has any advice on how to rectify the situation it'd be very much appreciated.

LegacyUser

Messed_up wrote:

He loves me so much and tells me as much every day. I love him too but I worry that he loves me more than I love him..

Why? because you kissed someone else? You could have done a lot worse to be honest. It was only a kiss, try and forget about it. If you want to stay with your boyfriend and not hurt him, keeping this to yourself would be best. Telling him could create trust issues, and I'm sure it's not something you would do again.

Messed_up wrote:

She was out tonight and my friend from college was there and my mother told me, in front of my friend, that her and my father would give me €5,000 if I moved out of the house tomorrow (basically anything to get me out) and then she said to my mate from college (that she'd never met before) "you must be so sick of listening to her shít. I have never felt so humiliated..

This was out of order, and I would have words with her. It's one thing to look down her nose at you, but to b1tch to your friends about it too, that is not on.

unrigsterd wrote:

Basically my boyfriend wants us to move in together soon. I feel like I have no other option but to move in with him because my parents are so eager to get me out of the house. I have never felt so shít in my life..

Why are you so eager to stay in the house?

unrigsterd wrote:

i get called moody. I know I am, but when I'm in a bad mood, I take myself up to my room and I make sure I'm on my own so I'm not bringing anyone down. And yet still I get called a "moody bítch" or "a pain in the hole". I feel like I can't win..

Everyone needs some time out to think things over that are bugging them. When in a 'mood', are you snapping at people? If so, I suggest you start apologising, you can't use others as a proverbial punch bag because of your moods. I can understand any woman being down around period time, but what are the moods about anyway? I think this is something you need to get under control, or you won't be welcome at home, and your boyfriend will start to re-think his offer.

rondeco

You've more important issues than the prob with your fella. I hope it all works out for you. That is not a nice situation

Setun

Imo the family problems is spilling over into your relationship with your boyfriend. You and your boyfriend obviously have something there, don't let the negative attitudes from home let you feel less about yourself. That "I'm not good enough for him" lark is rubbish. If he wants to be with you and you want to be with him, then the "good enough" thing doesn't come into it. Just don't let your mother affect your relationship, and enjoy your time with your bf.

CathyMoran

I think that the most important thing that you need to do is get out of your home - I am not sure if moving directly in with your bf is a great idea, but you need to get the right place. I left home and moved very near to where my bf lived, yes, it was more expensive but you are better off having more independence. You could get a short lease. Even though you really love your bf, feeling that you are being forced to live with him can create problems down the line. You could alternatively move near college friends for the short while.

In terms of what you did...with me I could not live with him not knowing the truth as I could not stand a lie standing between me and my partner but there is a high chance that he may dump you...only you can decide what to do there.

I really do wish you the best of luck - hang in there, you can make it.

Gummy Panda

so to hear your situation. I had a ex who had a similar family enviroment, so i know how down you must feel.

TBH, your ex will find out. He'll probably pick up body language from you that something is wrong. The truth is usually the best. I've seen secrets like this break up relationships, more so from the lying then the actually act.

I don't think you should move in with your bf. Maybe move in with friends

Huggles

Hi OP sorry to hear about your current situation and I hope that you get some sound advice in here.

I think there are a few issues here that are magnifying teh main ones if you get me.

Messed_up wrote:

I'm seeing a fantastic guy for just over a year. Good looking, sound, really, really kind...... basically faaaar too good for me. Thing is, tonight I went out with the girls and I got drunk and got chatting to a guy I know. This guy kissed me and I kissed him back. I stopped when I realised what happened and I cried the whole way home because I knew that I had abused my boyfriend's trust. I know that he would never have done it to me. He loves me so much and tells me as much every day. I love him too but I worry that he loves me more than I love him.

I think the fact that you cried all the way home shows how much you do love your boyfriend, you obviously care for him if you can get that cut up about it. In my opinion it sounds like a silly mistake and you stopped it before it got too out of hand.

How do you think he will react to it if you tell him? Do you think that he will take it on the chin and say that is fine or will it all blow up and make your situation worse? Is he likely to find out from someone else? To be honest I think it is too minor to tell him. From reading your post it seems you got drunk at a very vulnerable time in your life and made a mistake, and I would just leave it at that.

Messed_up wrote:

Things couldn't be worse. I have recently finished college and because I only did an arts degree my parents see it as a nothing degree. Like I wasted my time. My mother is totally cold and unfeeling. She was out tonight and my friend from college was there and my mother told me, in front of my friend, that her and my father would give me €5,000 if I moved out of the house tomorrow (basically anything to get me out) and then she said to my mate from college (that she'd never met before) "you must be so sick of listening to her shít. I have never felt so humiliated.

Thats just silly, about the degree, and wrong, very wrong of your mother to belittle you like that, especially infront of your mate.

If I was you I'd move out and get some independence, you will find it so refreshing and your relationship with your parents would probably improve too.

I don't know what else to say to you, but wish you the very best of luck in what you decide to do, think about moving out though, its very liberating!

Heyes

Daddio wrote:

Imo the family problems is spilling over into your relationship with your boyfriend. You and your boyfriend obviously have something there, don't let the negative attitudes from home let you feel less about yourself. That "I'm not good enough for him" lark is rubbish. If he wants to be with you and you want to be with him, then the "good enough" thing doesn't come into it. Just don't let your mother affect your relationship, and enjoy your time with your bf.

Perfectly said, and 100% agree.

X-SL

Tell your BF what you did. It might make trust issues but you HAVE to tell him. Trust is very important but so is communication. If he loves you as much as you say he does he will forgive you.. if not.. atleast you're not wasting time with someone who doesnt love you

Canis Lupus

Yeah tell your boyfriend then if he goes ape you will have no one to turn to..... Fun and games for everyone involved.

Anyway, keep quiet, you've caused yourself enough grief over your slip. Learn a lesson from it.

Move out of your house and in with your man if that's what you want. Living away from home is bloody fantastic and you get to discover alot about yourself and create a new identity where you're no longer just a moody family member specially if your parents aren't as parental as they should be.

You've finished college, you have a degree, you have a boyfriend. Cut out the negative crap from your life and see what comes next eh?

DOLEMAN

Don't bother telling your boyfriend -

1. You know it was entirely a mistake and your guilt now is punishment enough for you.
2. You're not going to do it again, right?
3. Telling him will just hurt him. Don't be selfish and tell him just to get it off your chest.

Your mother... I have a friend with a mother like that. Even if you are a total pain in the arse, no one should expect their mother to say something like that. At least not in public anyway!

You need to move out. You're old enough to move out. Your boyfriend wants to live with you. What the **** are you waiting for??? MOVE!!

I would agree an Arts degree doesn't exactly give you great training for a particular job, but there are loads of jobs out there at the moment. If you're interested in making lots of money and you like people, I recommend recruitment sales. Great money.

If you don't move out then you really need to examine what the hell is going on in your head.

Good luck!

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Ok, a lot of what's hapepend here doen't seem to be your fault. Ok, the kissing the boyfriend was - and I think you should come clean about it. How would you fell if you found out tomorrow that he kissed another girl and never told you...?

Regarding the family situation, take a stand. Decide what you want in life and go after it. Don't let others (not even family members) stop you. I woudl sit down with your mother and tell her how hurt you were and how disrespectful she was and, if she cannot accept that your aims and goals in life are different to her expectations, sorry, but tough. It is YOUR life.

EDIT: Having read Doleman's post above... is money important to you? That sounds like it could be the issue. In which case, not only move out, but make a point of taking not one penny of your parents' money.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I should have mentioned in my first post that I do intend to move out as soon as it is financially possible. I will hopefully be starting work soon and I think that after a few months I will have the rent and deposit money I need.

It just feels like my parents are pushing me out. I have told them of my plans and my mother says "Oh thank god." My dad just doesn't comment.

As for my boyfriend. I'm still torn on this. I completely regret what I did and I do think that if I told him he would leave me. I would expect no less. I have told a close friend about what happened and she thinks that I should try and forget about it because it meant nothing and I will never do it again. I don't know though. If the tables were turned and I found out that he had done it to me, I can't be 100% sure that I would accept that as an excuse. I always swore to myself that I would never cheat on anyone. I can't be leave I let both him and myself down.

Moving in with my boyfriend - I guess I'm just nervous about this and I'm worried that maybe we're moving too fast. I do love him. I have always had difficulty with relationships. I tend to keep somewhat of a distance between myself and the guy. If I move in with him I'll be opening myself up to him more than I have. We have talked about this for quite a bit and it's kind of a "done deal" so to speak. Backing out now may do more harm than good.

Oh I don't know. Maybe I should just tell him and get dumped. I abused his trust and he doesn't deserve that.

Thanks again for the replies.

Tobias Greeshman

Messed_up, do not tell your boyfriend that you kissed that guy when you were out with your friends. You didn't let it get too far, if you slept with him then that would be completely different, but you didn't. Just forget about the whole thing, telling your boyfriend will make him have doubts about how much he can trust you, and that could wreck the relationship. It sounds like you make your boyfriend happy, and if you're happy for the most part with the relationship, well then don't do something that will ruin the relationship, like telling him.

If I were you, I'd move out as soon as possible, you're parents are idiots, and I certainly can't imagine it's much fun living with them. As someone else said here, maybe move in somewhere for a little while firstly, to give yourself some independence. Preferably close to your boyfriends place and you can visit each other as often as you like. Since you've only started working maybe get a house share with a few other people, this is nice and cheaper than letting an apartment. Have a look on Daft, they always have loads of places.

Besides moving in with someone after going out with them just over a year, is a bit soon in my opinion. If your boyfriend thinks you're moving in with him and you're no fully won on the idea, then tell him and don't let him think you want to move in with him when you're not so sure.

Sam Vimes

i'd say its best to tell your boyfriend. since your feeling so guilty about it he'll know something's wrong anyway. best tell him and if possible cry a lot. despite millions of years of evolution blokes never learned how to deal with a crying girl


on a slightly different note, i think they should introduce a license for children. the test should involve such questions as: "are you a spiteful bitch who will make your children's lives miserable?"

the way your mother is treating you is completely out of order. maybe you should take the 5000 they offered and move out now

hepcat

While I would in no way condone your mother's nasty remarks and bitchy way of doing things, you really should be standing on your own two feet now. A lot of "kids?" seem to think that it is ok to stay at home with their parents well into their 20's. It may come as a surprise that most parents can't wait to, yes, get rid of them. After all, you've finished college and have an arts degree - why are you still at home? You must have your degree at least since last year, so no wonder your folks are starting to wonder when you will do something. And before you feel offended, this does not mean that your parents are not good parents, or that they don't love you, it simply means that they have reached that natural stage of not wanting to have responsibility for grown up kids and of wanting to move on with their lives. Why would they want a 20-something who has finshed their education moping around their house all day???

Reading between the lines, you seem to be using the relatively minor issue re bf as a means of feeling sorry for yourself and getting out of an agreement to move in with him. Sorry but thats the way it comes across... I could be wrong.

Bogey

X-SL wrote:

Tell your BF what you did. It might make trust issues but you HAVE to tell him.

PHHHhhttttttttt.......Why? It was NOTHING KISS! Why make it an issue?

As for the rest, MU, I can only guess that you see some value in your degree? I think revenge would be the shwetest Remedy. Go out and find yourself a Terrific Job...then use the first paycheck to take your parents to lunch after you show them your new apartment (or , "flat," as you call them).

Don't move in with a guy just to escape your parents. This is an admission that you agree with them, and you're degree is worthless.

Setun

I don't think it'd be worth telling him - ignorance is bliss in situations like this imo. Just relax, put as much of it as you can behind you and decide if you should move in with the bf.

LegacyUser

hepcat wrote:

While I would in no way condone your mother's nasty remarks and bitchy way of doing things, you really should be standing on your own two feet now. A lot of "kids?" seem to think that it is ok to stay at home with their parents well into their 20's. It may come as a surprise that most parents can't wait to, yes, get rid of them. After all, you've finished college and have an arts degree - why are you still at home? You must have your degree at least since last year, so no wonder your folks are starting to wonder when you will do something. And before you feel offended, this does not mean that your parents are not good parents, or that they don't love you, it simply means that they have reached that natural stage of not wanting to have responsibility for grown up kids and of wanting to move on with their lives. Why would they want a 20-something who has finshed their education moping around their house all day???

Reading between the lines, you seem to be using the relatively minor issue re bf as a means of feeling sorry for yourself and getting out of an agreement to move in with him. Sorry but thats the way it comes across... I could be wrong.

Sorry but I had to respond to this. Instead of "reading between the lines" you should have really just read the lines that were written. I said I had "recently finished college" therefore I have not had my degree for a year. I haven't even got my results yet. I have been out of college for about 2 weeks. Maybe you would view that as too long for your kids to dare stay at home but for me personally I don't see how they can realistically expect me out straight away.
I have told them that I plan to move out as soon as it is possible financially.....ya know, when I have my own money.

As for using what I did to feel sorry for myself. That makes absolutely no sense. Why would I want to feel sorry for myself??! I made a mistake, one that I deemed to be a pretty big one.

Also I'm not trying to use what I did in order to get out of any agreement. If that was the case then why haven't I already told him? Yes, I'm nervous about moving in with him. Of course I am. We've been together for just over a year and it feels like it's a little soon for it. That is not to say, however. that I don't want to move in with him. I love him
I'm at a transitional period of my life right now so forgive me for being a bit confused.