how to stop using sex as a shortcut to friendship?

LegacyUser

for years i've been aware that i have a huge problem when it comes to making new friends. i'm the type of person that takes a while to get comfortable with people..

at least 3 of my best friends are people i've previously had sex with. and quite a large amount of my aquaintances are people who i've known fancy me. its like i can't relax with a person until i know they fancy me, even though i hardly ever really fancy anyone back, and when i do they're usually the one person who doesn't act like they fancy me.

so anyway, i think im using sex as a shortcut to friendship. like if i meet someone new, and i know i want to get to know them better, i usually end up in bed with them. even if i'm not attracted to them, its just because i think they're cool or whatever and i want to be friends and things. and then a few weeks down the road, the guy usually thinks i'm great, but i'll be thinking "oh, i only wanted to be good friends with him. how do i tell him i don't want to have sex anymore, but still get to stay this close?"...

i keep doing it i suppose, because in a way its really nice sometimes, if i'm out with a group of friends and X or Y or Z is there and everyhting can be normal but at the same time you know that you know them in a special way too, that most other people don't. but its not really the same as when u know someone for ages just as friends.. so maybe i'm just doing it to feel some kind of connection with people, which i can't seem to achieve without using sex...but i feel like i'm missing out on what could be really good useful friendships just because sex or my being aware of someone fancying me gets in the way.

and it becomes a huge problem when its someone who i think is cool, but who i'm not physically attracted to, is attracted to me, and interprets my attention as sexual interest. even though i'm not attracted to the person like that, i usually end up sleeping with them, just because i think they're cool (for whatever reason) and because i find it really hard to say no, or say no seriously (because i dont want to hurt their feelings, or because i think "well, i do think hes really cool, so i might as well try, at least we'll get to spend more time together!")..

how can i get to know people better without sleeping with them? how can i stop people trying to sleep with me when i just want to get to know them better? am i sending out signals like i fancy everyone or that i think everyone should fancy me? is there someway to stop doing that? how can i make more friends, but have less sex?

ST*

nononononoYES wrote:

am i sending out signals like i fancy everyone or that i think everyone should fancy me? is there someway to stop doing that? how can i make more friends, but have less sex?

I don't think you are sending out signals as such, but it will become common knowledge that you are 'easy'.

I think you have a some what distorted idea of what is actually going on here. It's quite simple. If all you want to be is friends with someone, why not simply say so? Think about this, and be honest with yourself - are you allowing this to happen in order to gain a friendship / getting people to like you?

Outside of creating a name for yourself, there are more serious risks you are taking such as STD's and pregnancy. You have got to put a stop to it, and the sooner the better.

shinners007

em agree...

if u want to get to know em as friends simply tell the person from the beginning.. then there'll be no mixed signals /feelings everyone will know where they stand.

set the ground rules and stick to them..

its bizarre sleeping with people to gain their friendship sex isnt the only way of getting to know people..

plus arent ones real friends the ones that you never had sex with and that have always been there for you... dont know maybe thats just me.. id say ones ive slept with are ex's not friends as that usually leads to problems/ mixed feelings.

Ickle Magoo

nononononoYES wrote:

how can i get to know people better without sleeping with them?

Don't get into bed with them?

nononononoYES wrote:

how can i stop people trying to sleep with me when i just want to get to know them better?

Why is everyone you get to know of the opposite sex? Where are you meeting these people? If you are meeting them half-cut in a club then chances are they may think you are on the pull....

nononononoYES wrote:

am i sending out signals like i fancy everyone or that i think everyone should fancy me?

If you jump into bed with everyone who is half-way friendly to you then you are deffo giving out signals...but they may not be the kind you want to be giving out....and they may have nothing to do with fancying you as a person...more what you are offering.....

nononononoYES wrote:

is there someway to stop doing that? how can i make more friends, but have less sex?

Stop jumping into bed to gain intimacy and start talking to these people....friendships are forged over time....you seem to be trying to get a quick fix solution....you also seem to think if they sleep with you they must like you....you do realise that isn't always the case?! They may be using you, too....

LegacyUser

ST* wrote:

I don't think you are sending out signals as such, but it will become common knowledge that you are 'easy'.

i don't think thats true. i'm not having sex with *everyone* who fancies me. like in the past year i've had sex with maybe 3 people. but i guess i've subtley flirted with a lot more. i'm a quiet person, so its not like i'm a big vulgar predatory nympho, so my flirting is less obvious, even to me, its more subconscious.

ST* wrote:

I think you have a some what distorted idea of what is actually going on here. It's quite simple. If all you want to be is friends with someone, why not simply say so? Think about this, and be honest with yourself - are you allowing this to happen in order to gain a friendship / getting people to like you?

yeah, see i can't really say to someone the first time i get a feeling they like me sexually "i just want to be your friend!" because then i really would get a name for myself - as a tease who thinks everyone fancies them, cause even a small early rejection is enough to sour things.. when i'm going out with someone its fine, because usually no one makes a move, and everyones just friendly. but as soon as word gets round i'm single again it gets a bit dfferent.

but yeah, obviously i'm using sex to gain friendship and/or get people to like me a little. i'm pretty sure i said that in the original post, ccause thats the problem.

ST* wrote:

Outside of creating a name for yourself, there are more serious risks you are taking such as STD's and pregnancy. You have got to put a stop to it, and the sooner the better.

STD's and pregnancy aren't really an issue for me. i've been through scares with both already, i'm wiser now, i protect myself and i know how to deal with stuff when i happens, i don't really see a small risk of pregnancy or STD as being a reason to stop. although i would be a little concerned about reputation, mostly because it confuses me, becuase i think i never think about people or bitch about people that way, so i'm never seening a girl be popular with guys and think "oh shes such a slut/shes so easy", so i'm always surprised when others do. maybe i just dont know anyone who is easy, or if i do i feel empathy with them, so i don't look down on them. i don't think my circle of friends are very judgemental about that sort of stuff, even if some of my friends hardly ever sleep with people, they never bad mouth anyone who does. maybe my problem is the conflict between my reality (my circle of friends/my type of people) and my perception of what the rest of the ordinary people in the world think.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Don't get into bed with them?

thats kind of unhelpful. its not that simple, obviously.

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Why is everyone you get to know of the opposite sex? Where are you meeting these people? If you are meeting them half-cut in a club then chances are they may think you are on the pull....

the same thing happens with girls i get to know too. although its usually easier to deal with, because its easier and more acceptable to no do it. i'm meeting these people through friends, numerous times, so its not as simple as it being "oh i just met this drunk girl in a club, shes coming home with me now". its not like that its more like (afik) "oh yeah, i met ____ at ____, shes cool, maybe i've got a chance with her"...

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Stop jumping into bed to gain intimacy and start talking to these people....friendships are forged over time....you seem to be trying to get a quick fix solution....you also seem to think if they sleep with you they must like you....you do realise that isn't always the case?! They may be using you, too....

yeah, thats the problem. i have a problem being comfortable with people i dont have an intimate connection with. i need to know people really like me before i can be relaxed with them.. how can i figure out/know people like me without having to know they want to have sex with me, or without them having to put in loads of effort to be just friendly to me?