HELP! Bf gone on Stag weekend

M&M's

I am driving myself crazy here, basically my boyfriend has gone on a stags weekend to Edinburgh with a few of his mates. The stag is his mates brother who he doesn't even know but maybe that's irrelevant. I am not usually the jealous type but we had some problems recently where I found out that he intended cheating on me but I caught him before he did it (that I know of anyway) we split up, got back together cos I love him and wanted to give him a chance and he promised me he'd never hurt me like that again.

I think that is where my insecurity is coming from, he's been away with the lads numerous times and I've always been totally chilled about it and actually look forward to having a bit of time to myself and a break from him, but now since that incident I have zero trust in him and this is his first time away since that happened.

I meant to say to him before he went that I wouldn't tolerate him going to a lap dancing club or any of that lark, I honestly wouldn't have minded before but now it makes me sick to think of him getting a lapdance. I know he can't touch them or anything but I'm worried that he'll do that, go to a nightclub then release whatever tension on the first girl to flirt with him and just forget all about me It's really torture, I'm trying my best to reason with myself but I'm here researching stag nights in Edinburgh and all I'm seeing are lapdancing clubs all over the place, is that really what they get up to? Am I being silly, I'm worried sick and I'm afraid I'm gonna be grilling him when he gets home and I don't want to be that type of girlfriend

Karoma

M&M's wrote:

...I'm worried sick and I'm afraid I'm gonna be grilling him when he gets home and I don't want to be that type of girlfriend

You are that type of bunn...girlfriend.

Trust is an integral part of a monogamous relationship. If it it's not there, then you shouldn't be either.

AngryAnderson

M&M's wrote:

I have zero trust in him

Break up with him.

cat in hat

Hes a jackass .have a life of sleepness nights or do ur self a favour and rid

M&M's

Karoma wrote:

You are that type of bunn...girlfriend.

Trust is an integral part of a monogamous relationship. If it it's not there, then you shouldn't be either.

I'm a bunny boiler because I feel insecure? I don't think so...!!! It was my boyfriend who made me insecure in the first place.

I'm just pissed off because I didn't take the opportunity to make it clear how I felt before he left and I really should have. The first thing I want to do now when he gets back is find out exactly where he's been and if he lies to me I really will have to consider dumping him. I doubt he's going to tell me the truth. If I trusted him (like I did before he betrayed me) I wouldn't care if he did a lap dancing pub crawl and then told me all about it the next day! But he barely even knows this guy and I can't help thinking it's just an excuse to go away and do god know's what without me knowing. My head is wrecked, I don't think it's worth this torture tbh.

All I want to do is just relax, knowing I can trust him, this is a nightmare!

joebhoy1916

I meant to say to him before he went that I wouldn't tolerate him going to a lap dancing club or any of that lark, I honestly wouldn't have minded before but now it makes me sick to think of him getting a lapdance. I know he can't touch them or anything but I'm worried that he'll do that, go to a nightclub then release whatever tension on the first girl to flirt with him and just forget all about me It's really torture, I'm trying my best to reason with myself but I'm here researching stag nights in Edinburgh and all I'm seeing are lapdancing clubs all over the place, is that really what they get up to? [/QUOTE]


Sorry to say but stag's are all about drink, drink, drink, girls
and more girls!

M&M's

Sorry to say but stag's are all about drink, drink, drink, girls
and more girls![/QUOTE]

Your not helping Joebhoy!!:p

Yeah maybe for the STAG!! Not for his bleedin attached mates as well! Do all blokes use these nights as an excuse to do the dirt??

I just can't agree with that, if it was his own stag, whatever, I don't think i'd mind some mild fun, last night of freedom and all that but I just feel he's using this as an excuse to go behind my back. I know for a fact his mates cheat on their girlfriends not a bother to them, he's told me this and then looked at me like I was mad for acting shocked!

Ruu_Old

If you have zero trust in him then there is a problem.

beaker21

M&M, try and chill out and get some sleep. I know its easier said than done but there's not much you can do about it until he comes home. You sound too good for him anyway. Lads have a totally different view on doing the dirt than girls. I think girls are generally more faithful. I went out with a girl for years and never played away but a lot of my friends and people I know do it regularly(a lot of them live with these girls). If he has done it before obviously the trust is gone so you would probably be better off without him. Its always hard breaking up but I think you deserve better. You shouldn't be having these sleepness nights worrying about him. You should go out tomorrow and have a good night to take your mind off him.

Karoma

beaker21 wrote:

Lads have a totally different view on doing the dirt than girls. I think girls are generally more faithful.

Bullshit. Plain and simple.

M&M's wrote:

I'm a bunny boiler because I feel insecure? I don't think so...!!! It was my boyfriend who made me insecure in the first place.

Going on what you say:
You're turning into one. Don't let him do it to you. No trust = no relationship. Give him up.

M&M's

beaker21 wrote:

M&M, try and chill out and get some sleep. I know its easier said than done but there's not much you can do about it until he comes home. You sound too good for him anyway. Lads have a totally different view on doing the dirt than girls. I think girls are generally more faithful. I went out with a girl for years and never played away but a lot of my friends and people I know do it regularly(a lot of them live with these girls). If he has done it before obviously the trust is gone so you would probably be better off without him. Its always hard breaking up but I think you deserve better. You shouldn't be having these sleepness nights worrying about him. You should go out tomorrow and have a good night to take your mind off him.

Thanks for your post Beaker21, your right I'm just winding myself up, I'm going to go to bed now and forget about it. I think I will have to have a long look at this relationship and decide if it's worth staying in, which I don't think it is. I can't picture myself going through this for the rest of my life! I'm pretty laid back and generally a trusting person so this is really too much for me to cope with at the moment.

But your dead right, I think a night out with the girls is just what I need to take my mind off this

Cheers mate

beaker21

Well maybe I was generalising a bit but it just seems from the people I know this is the case. I'm not saying girls don't do it but I know loads of lads that do it without feeling one bit guilty in the morning when they see there gf but it seems to me if a girl does it the guilt eats away at her(this is just my opinion).

M&M's

That's true, some people will cheat if the opportunity presents itself, be they man or woman. Personally I have no time for cheaters and so would never do it myself but I think it's true that men are able to hide it better and they rarely feel guilty about it. Don't get me wrong I've seen lots of my girlfriends cheating on their OH's and I think it's disgusting but alot of the time they end up confessing because the guilt is too much.

I've seen it with my bf as well, blatently lying to me but acting totally normal in every other way knowing that he was betraying me, god knows how they do it??

Duiske

beaker21 wrote:

I know loads of lads that do it without feeling one bit guilty in the morning when they see there gf (.

Not me. I feel guilty every time I cheat. Guess I'm just the sensitive type.

Sony

going to lap dancing clubs for stag nights is the done thing in a lot of cases and theres absolutely nothing wrong with it IMO ...once thats all it is - a lapdance

But if you cant trust him theres little point going out as far as i can see as its only gonna cause problems down the line never mind this one

genuinely feel sorry for girls like you - Id never cheat on a g/f..I see my own mates do it on theirs all the time and personally think its pathetic....honestly - Id be physically sick if any ex of mine were to cheat on me and after getting sick Id say good luck & stick 2 fingers up at her in the most polite way possible!! think you should keep this in mind for your fella if he does in fact do the dirt

Zebra3

OP,

Look him in the eye when he comes back and asked him how the w/e went.

If he looks away, he's got somehing to hide.

Karoma

Duiske_Lad wrote:

Not me. I feel guilty every time I cheat. Guess I'm just the sensitive type.

You're a true gent. The world needs more of you.

joebhoy1916

M&M's wrote:

Sorry to say but stag's are all about drink, drink, drink, girls
and more girls!

Your not helping Joebhoy!!:p

I was only joking!

Not me. I feel guilty every time I cheat. Guess I'm just the sensitive type

Great man you are

AngryAnderson

Zebra3 wrote:

OP,

Look him in the eye when he comes back and asked him how the w/e went.

If he looks away, he's got somehing to hide.

Or maybe he'll look away thinking "Jesus, why is she bloody well staring me in the eyeballs as if to accuse me of something. Maybe I'm better off dumping her because she obviously doesn't trust me." :rolleyes:

Don't play mind games. Any decent man will dump you in the bat of an eyelid for being so childish and pathetic. If you don't trust him and feel he may be cheating on you/are worried that he has cheated on you, then sit down and talk about it with him like a mature adult. If your REALLY don't trust him, end the relationship.

To be honest, you don't sound like you're mature enough to be in a relationship. Neither does your b/f.

seamus

It's either trust or don't trust, there's no in between.

Sitting the guy down and grilling him basically says, "I am convinced that you have cheated on me, and the onus is on you to prove me wrong". If my girlfriend did that to me, I'd walk.

It's a stag weekend. There's a high likelihood of strippers. Big deal. If you are 100% convinced that he'll get all steamed up and then go out and shag the first girl to look him in the eye, then ring him now and break up with him, so that he can do it without any guilt.

Ickle Magoo

It was my boyfriend who made me insecure in the first place.

Your fella nearly cheated on you & yet you still took him back - the decision to feel insecure because you can't/don't trust him was your own....

Either get over it & accept there may well be strippers or lapdancers involved on the stag but know your man won't cheat on you because he loves & respects you - or dump him because you can't trust him & you think without you to stop him, this time he may well cheat on you - grilling him or getting yourself worked up into a state serves no purpose at all.....relationships are supposed to be enjoyable & make you feel good about yourself.....if it doesn't then get out & find one that does...best of luck

Muggy Dev

M&M's wrote:

Personally I have no time for cheaters and so would never do it myself but I think it's true that men are able to hide it better and they rarely feel guilty about it. Don't get me wrong I've seen lots of my girlfriends cheating on their OH's and I think it's disgusting but alot of the time they end up confessing because the guilt is too much.

I've seen it with my bf as well, blatently lying to me but acting totally normal in every other way knowing that he was betraying me, god knows how they do it??

What a strange world you inhabit M&M.For the sake of the future happiness of your boyfriend I urge you to break it off upon his return.His future with you is as bleak as it is possible to imagine.As for you...I agree with Angry Anderson.You have some growing up to do.

DOLEMAN

How does one catch their partner "intend on cheating"? Did he write down a plan? Or are you just a seriously paranoid person, like your post is suggesting?

At the moment your boyfriend is doing nothing wrong. If all the lads are going for a lapdance, he has to go with them. He can't be a dick and ruin their weekend by stopping them going... And just so you know, a lapdance in a guys mind has NOTHING to do with him wanting to be with another woman. It's just a dumb male hormone thing and has nothing to do with you. He won't leave the club thinking he doesn't love you or suddenly find you unattractive... His feelings will be unchanged.

Stop worrying. The problem is in your head, not with your boyfriend...

BrookieD

@ OP
If your asking the question then there is something wrong with your relationship. Once you start thinking this way its time to get out IMHO

I am off to Liverpool for a stags end of July and we may end up in a clib getting a lapdance but not for a secound would i ever contemplate cheting on my GF. I like breathing to much

secret_squirrel

M&M's wrote:

I meant to say to him before he went that I wouldn't tolerate him going to a lap dancing club or any of that lark,

99% of Stags involve lap dancing and you should never give someone orders they are not likely to obey - it causes bad feelings all around.

Good job you didnt tell him - chances are you would have got lied too.

Húrin

beaker21 wrote:

Well maybe I was generalising a bit but it just seems from the people I know this is the case. I'm not saying girls don't do it but I know loads of lads that do it without feeling one bit guilty in the morning when they see there gf but it seems to me if a girl does it the guilt eats away at her(this is just my opinion).

I disagree. Some cultures do tell men that they have more of a right to cheat than women do, but I don't think that ours is one of them.

M&M's

Muggy Dev wrote:

What a strange world you inhabit M&M.For the sake of the future happiness of your boyfriend I urge you to break it off upon his return.His future with you is as bleak as it is possible to imagine.As for you...I agree with Angry Anderson.You have some growing up to do.

Listen Muggy mate, if I'm gonna break up with him I'd do it for MY happiness (and sanity) not my boyfriends. I'm 29 FFS and this is a 5yr live in relationship so what growing up is there to do? (apart from your own ) If anything he needs to grow up, my insecurity comes from him cheating on me and I'm not going into the details but yes I did catch him before he went through with meeting some slapper he met from the internet. I'm not paranoid at all, I have good reason not to trust him. Simple As.

I agree with those of you who posted saying I made my bed I have to lie in it, but we had a lot of history together and I was in love with him and him with me so I tried to make it work based on that. I think I'm realising the stag weekend is not the problem, it's me having to second guess everything he's doing, I can't go on like that, surely all blokes are not like this I just want to relax and know I can trust the person I am with. I suppose I took the easy option to stay with him rather than go through the pain of a breakup, I really have to re-evaluate, BIG TIME!

Asiaprod

M&M's wrote:

surely all blokes are not like this I just want to relax and know I can trust the person I am with.

You are correct, not all blokes are like that, most of us are in fact very nice:)

AngryAnderson

M&M's wrote:

surely all blokes are not like this

No, only the s**theads. You're going out with one.

M&M's wrote:

I just want to relax and know I can trust the person I am with.

You obviously can't. Dump him rather than suffer the indignity of having him screw some other tramp for his own sense of empowerment while humiliating and belittling you in the process. You shouldn't have taken him back in the first place.

secret_squirrel

M&M's wrote:

it's me having to second guess everything he's doing

If you are to have any decent relationship with this guy you need to stop doing this. Yes its probably harder work than breaking up with him, but as you say a 5 yr relationship is probably worth it.

You need to find a way to trust him again, but if he betrays that trust the get rid of him.

Either way you cannot reform your relationship with this guy until you get past his cheating one way or another.

The Corinthian

M&M's wrote:

I'm a bunny boiler because I feel insecure? I don't think so...!!!

No, you’re not a bunny boiler, mainly because you realise that your paranoia is irrational. However, were you to let that paranoia and insecurity overtake you and convince yourself that he has cheated on you (for no better reason than paranoia and insecurity) then you would become a bunny boiler.

It was my boyfriend who made me insecure in the first place.

No. Please don’t blame others for your own insecurities. They’re yours. No one else’s.

As has been suggested; take a nap, meet some friends for a drink and get over it. You cannot and should not keep tabs on your boyfriend, as you’ll drive the pair of you nuts.

AngryAnderson wrote:

You obviously can't. Dump him rather than suffer the indignity of having him screw some other tramp for his own sense of empowerment while humiliating and belittling you in the process. You shouldn't have taken him back in the first place.

Good, good. Feel the hate flow though you, young Skywalker...