am i the only one

oane

ok so i have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (except for a six month time out) thing is im still bothered by his ex........
basically he was going out with her for 15months..... we got together very very soon after they broke up but he ended up sleeping with her again and we decided to break up so he could give it another go with her coz he dint want to throw away 15 months without trying..... but the day they were supposed to get back together she said no she didnt want him..... a few months later we decided to get back together and as soon as we did she was all like oh i love you and i want you back.... so this want on for a year emails etc him not telling me the truth about meeting her (in college out on the town etc) so im a big barrell of emotions over it even three years on im extremely insecure and feel like he settled for second best coz she wouldnt have him even though he swears he loves me more than he ever loved her (he flew back from thailand becoz he missed me) but its come to the stage where its make or break... i dont feel like i can ever forget and he feels like he cant make me happy and i always be watching his everymove ... we do love each other completely but dunno if its enough.... any thought s.....

DubNside

Sounds like he does not know what he wants.

And having met up with another person so soon after splitting up with his ex, it maybe that he was on the "rebound".

Sit him down and fully discuss your feelings and his thoughts, if your not happy that he is giving you 100% then just cut your losses and walk away.

It will save you more heartache and worry in the future, you cant have a relationship without Trust.

Sounds like he was cheating - maybe not even physically, but emotionally.

I'd say to give him a year or so to sort himself out and cop on. Long enough that he can clear his head properly. Then see if he's still interested.
I'm not so sure, though. Sounds like he'd be better off not seeing anyone quite some time until this thing with his ex pans out totally.

On the other hand his ex sounds like she wants to sabotage any chance he has of any relationship with anyone other than her. Has she moved on? Is she seeing anyone? She sounds quite manipulative.

And if he's not going to tell the truth about things, then you rightfully have some trust problems there.

So...you do have some major problems and I'd personally advise a good long hard discussion with him on it, possibly with some ultimatums.

oane

she has moved on and (this did happen three years ago) these days there is little or no contact as far as i know..... i want to believe he doesnt have feeling for her i just cant be sure... we have discussed it ... its almost like a gut feeling he isnt being honest about he feels but then again i have never come across again who doesnt just say wat they mean... but once a cheater always a cheater right?????

BigCon

bluewolf wrote:

Sounds like he was cheating - maybe not even physically, but emotionally.

What is emotional cheating?

BaZmO*

BigCon wrote:

What is emotional cheating?

Was just about to ask the same. Sounds like some PC nonsense to me. :rolleyes:

BigCon

:rolleyes: Double post:rolleyes:

BigCon

Just got a pm explaining that:

"emotional cheating is where you say one thing ie i love you too a partner.. when you really dont or have different feelings.. your not being
honest"

Hmmm, I think "lying" is a more accurate description...

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this!
Try not to panic.

I was with a girl for three years, she broke up with me, didn't want to know me and then when I started going out with the girl who is now my fiancée, my ex was all over me. We had secret texts and emails and even met up once or twice but never kissed or anything like that (BigCon - this is emotional cheating!).

I began to realise however that my ex wanted the security of knowing that should she feel like settling down, I would be there for her. She was happy to have a great time with ehr friends and other guys but wanted me to be there when she was ready. She kept dropping little tantalizing hints about how we might get back together etc and I fell for it all. My gf suspected this was happening which caused major friction.

I was going crazy, I knew I really liked my new gf but I also knew that I had loved (and probably still did) my ex. I told my ex that I wanted to give my new relationship a chance and that we should both go our separate ways. To this day I am glad I did. I'm now engaged and very happy I finally let go of my ex and am so shoked surprised and amazed that my fiancée stuck with me despite her misgivings. I am ashamed now of my behaviour back then, even today when my fiancée reads a book or sees a TV show where a character has the same name as my ex, she tenses up. She hates that name!

Your bf needs to understand that his behaviour is hurting you and that he has to make a decision. either way. It's up to you to make him realise how serious this is for you.

Usually I'd say it's being with someone when you clearly want to be with another and act as such. Not necessarily involving lying.

takola

bluewolf wrote:

Usually I'd say it's being with someone when you clearly want to be with another and act as such. Not necessarily involving lying.

I agree with this definition.

OP How long has it been since your boyfriend stopped having contact with his ex? What i can't understand is why he would feel he needed to lie to you about meeting or getting emails from his ex? Unless there was something else there? But at the same time, i'm wondering, if she'd made such a big deal of wanting him back after you two got back together, and he wanted her back, why didnt he go back to her?? It's a little confusing.

You've said this all happen 3 years ago. 3 Years is a long time! Don't you think that if he wasn't serious about you then the relationship would have ended by now? i can understand that you're insecure, But really unless his ex is a big part of his life (i.e. that he see's her regularly, they stay in contact etc) i don't think you have anything to worry about.

But really you need to make a decision about your own feelings. Is it too much headwreck for you? You need to think about what you are getting and recieving from the relationship and whether the means justify the ends. I hope everything works out for you.

The Corinthian

BaZmO* wrote:

Was just about to ask the same. Sounds like some PC nonsense to me. :rolleyes:

Not really. Cheating is perhaps too strong a word, however it is essentially falling in love with someone else while in a relationship, even if there is no physical infidelity. Many people find this a lot worse than the latter and are more prone to forgiving a fling that meant nothing than their partner being in unfulfilled love with another.

BaZmO*

The Corinthian wrote:

Not really. Cheating is perhaps too strong a word, however it is essentially falling in love with someone else while in a relationship, even if there is no physical infidelity. Many people find this a lot worse than the latter and are more prone to forgiving a fling that meant nothing than their partner being in unfulfilled love with another.

Ah I hear what you're saying alright.
It's just the term "Emotional Cheating" that I don't like. Just sounds like one of those nonsense sayings you hear on the likes of Oprah or Dr. Phil.

takola

The Corinthian wrote:

Not really. Cheating is perhaps too strong a word, however it is essentially falling in love with someone else while in a relationship, even if there is no physical infidelity. Many people find this a lot worse than the latter and are more prone to forgiving a fling that meant nothing than their partner being in unfulfilled love with another.

That made me think. I would have thought and i know i myself, would prefer to have someone cheat on me and tell me that they loved the other person rather than hearing that it meant nothing?!
Would that make you mean nothing too?

oane

i think its more my issue than it is his in all fareness he has tried but in other not to upset mehe wont tell me if he has chatted to her or met her but envariable i ebd up finding out and i get upset coz he is not honest with me...
has anyone been in a similiar situation and managed to fight their demons and come out happy on the other side ????

xxxx

BaZmO*

oane wrote:

i think its more my issue than it is his in all fareness he has tried but in other not to upset mehe wont tell me if he has chatted to her or met her but envariable i ebd up finding out and i get upset coz he is not honest with me...
has anyone been in a similiar situation and managed to fight their demons and come out happy on the other side ????

xxxx

You don't really have any demons to fight. If he was chatting to her the odd that he met her while he was out and about and told you so and you had a big problem with it well then it would be up to you to deal with it. But it's a case of him not telling you that he has been talking to her and therefore lying to you. That's not a good basis for a relationship.

Chinafoot

I've been on the other side of this in that I was the "ex". Myself and my ex were together for almost 2 years and towards the end of that there was this "friend" that suddenly kept appearing when we were in the pub or out down the town. It was obvious that she was dying to get her claws into him but he swore that nothing was going on.

With this and other pressures from his family I finished the relationship. After a few weeks we were still in contact and he told me he still loved me. I regretted my decision at this stage and asked if he wanted to get back together. Turns out that about 2 weeks after we split he went to Cork for the weekend with this girl and they were now going out. I was devastated. We had a lot of back-and-forth crap for a few months and my head was a mess as he was telling me he still loved me and missed me etc etc but that he was with this new girl now. In the end, I was told by a very, very reliable source that towards the end of our relationship he had been cheating on me with her. So I cut off all contact.

In a way I always knew there had been something going on despite his protests to the contrary. I didn't trust him by the end and this contributed greatly to the end of our relationship.

He's happy now, engaged to the girl and I'm very happy in my current relationship.

If you don't trust him you are going to run into difficulty because, as has already been pointed out, relationships should be based on trust. Without that it's pointless.
You need to talk to him and let him know that he needs to be honest with you.

Having said that, you need to look at it from the other point of view. Perhaps the reason he kept it from you that he had seen her was because he knew how you would react and didn't want to upset you unnecessarily. I agree that it would be a bad way to go about it, but perhaps that was the reasoning behind it.

At the end of the day you need to talk to him as this is obviously something that has affected you quite deeply if it's still an issue after three years.

You need to talk it out because it won't just disappear.

oane

hi guts thanks for your help its been great helped me see outside the box so to speak,
any ho after much discussing tears tantrums etc we have decided to call it a day but its all happy and good please god it will last hehehe
thanks again
xxx

BaZmO*

.....and cue the many "Hey, how you doin!!" replies....

Anyway, at least you spoke to him about how you were feelin.

supergirl2

Totally understand how you feel, some ex's are just bitches and get a thrill out of having a hold on their ex men. It sounds like he is into you enough but just be sure he's not the one texting her behind your back. I've one ex who will still text at all hours of the morning after a night out and he's supposed to be all in love and happy with his girlfriend now of 1 year, if i was the bitchy type i could lap this up and play him along but i'm not and just thank god i'm not her even if he's only texting me out of memories of happier days. If it gets too much i probably would advise a fresh start but be sure your not letting your insecurity over this ex cloud your judgement. He should be way over her now....