best way to deal with psychos?

the real ramon

I've come accross about 4 or 5 people in my life who are very charming, manipulative, controlling, bullying, twisters of the truth - in short possible or actual psychopaths. People like that seem to be attracted to me (probably because I'm very passive, mild-mannered and fairly innocent) and when they get their hooks into me, which they invariably do very easily as I'm not one to be confrontational, I find they turn the screws and I have an exceptionally hard time escaping them.

How do I prevent them from targetting me?
How do I ensure that if They do target me that they get the message straight away that they're wasting their time?
How do I escape from their clutches quickly and deciscively if they do get their clutches into me?

Advice on this would be greatly appreciated as I don't want to continue through life like I have so far- being the fodder for these people's insecurities.

Ta

Victor

Don't cooperate with them. Ignore them.

Ruu_Old

Yep, ignore and dont get them any attention, its what they are seeking and probably a reaction from you. Stay safe now.

athena 2000

the real ramon wrote:

How do I escape from their clutches quickly and deciscively if they do get their clutches into me?

Well, it's difficult to explain the complexities of sociopaths in just three paragraphs, but to begin, I believe you have a touch of the dramatic about you and you like their attentive and seductive manoueverings.

You must ignore them. You must draw boundaries and refuse to pay attention to their blandishments! Actually, you must speak out and tell them to leave you alone. If that doesn't work, I suggest putting on your Spaceman Spiff outfit, shooting them with your raygun, and zoom away!

No one who has selected your avatar could possibly be a mild-mannered little rabbit easily mesmerized by an evil snake. But if you are, then don't make eye contact. Really.

Dirk Gently

While ignoring might be good advice, if they are determined they will not let you off so easily. You must be assertive and verbally stand up to them, letting them know you are no pushover. The fact that you realise your being manipulated means you aren't gullible so it’s just a matter of translating what you know into verbal communication.

The trick is not to become cynical and bitter when dealing with people. Preserve your passive nature as a whole while dealing with most people, but when dealing with the very odd psycho don't be afraid to put your foot down.
Some people take advantage of mild mannered people because they know they can talk ****e and the mild mannered person is unlikely to question them because he fears upsetting the feelings of the person manipulating him.

There is no reason why you can't be mild mannered and have an emergency assertive reserve to deal with the occasional manipulator. I think it would be hard to survive without that assertive reserve.
Good luck with it anyway, and remember, don't change who you are, just how you deal with the odd person who tries to take advantage. Its unfortunete but some folks do take advantage given an opportunity.

ST*

the real ramon wrote:

How do I prevent them from targetting me?
How do I ensure that if They do target me that they get the message straight away that they're wasting their time?
How do I escape from their clutches quickly and deciscively if they do get their clutches into me?

Have you ever considered taking an assertiveness class? I think it would be worth looking into. Usually these classes are on in the evening time (to cater for those who work). I'd keep an eye open around noticeboards, they usually advertise these kind of courses. Leaflets that circulate for evening classes in local schools - you may find one there. Here is a link, its not a great one but you get the idea about what the course would entail. Local courses will be much more reasonably priced.

Good luck.

Faith

Stop being mild-mannered and passive. Like the others have said, try being more assertive.

DubNside

Apparently according to a new study, it states that when growing up if you led a hard life while young and went through some bad expieriences it actually does'nt toughen you up at all!

People who went through "The Hard knock life" are more likely to be insecure, guillible, easily misled and trust there own judgement less, and opposed to those who had no major negativity in there liives.

simu

Well, it's important that you spot the signs of this sort of personality before they become a big part of your life. Maybe someone here has good links on this? (I remember seeing some interesting sites on the topic before but can't find them again).

How do I prevent them from targetting me?
How do I ensure that if They do target me that they get the message straight away that they're wasting their time?
How do I escape from their clutches quickly and deciscively if they do get their clutches into me?

Just don't let them into your life. (But this requires being able to tell such people apart from anyone else).

Sam Vimes

ST* wrote:

Have you ever considered taking an assertiveness class?

i was going to do that but i was too shy to sign up

Doctor Fell

Well first off, I am a sociopath. After years of contemplation of my acts and relationships, I have no doubt about it. I've read everything I can on the topic, and I really regret the way I have manipulated and taken advantage of, to some extent, nearly everybody I have ever met. I'm very concious of my manipulative powers etc, and do make a huge effort to stop dominating personalities like yours OP. No offence, but as you pointed out, you think you are easy fodder, which you probably are.
As said above, I think you need to draw boundaries when you identify people like that. Don't be drawn into their schemes, or don't be charmed so easily by off hand compliments, or whatever they say that makes you feel good, and realise you are not the good buddy that you think you are. Just be aware and careful.
Some people just have that psychological make up or build, and they shouldn't be black listed for it. They just need special treatment form others I think i.e. don't be fooled and realise that ultimately a sociopath will drop you in a second, only cares about her/his self, and can't really help it coz that's who they are. What they can do is try and not manipulate or hurt other people, and be very concious of their interactions with others, like I said. I certainly try.

mysterious

DubNside wrote:

Apparently according to a new study, it states that when growing up if you led a hard life while young and went through some bad expieriences it actually does'nt toughen you up at all!

People who went through "The Hard knock life" are more likely to be insecure, guillible, easily misled and trust there own judgement less, and opposed to those who had no major negativity in there liives.

That's very true...

This is to the OP.
Well about attracting these manipulators etc.

Firstly, you have to recognise yourself, what is attracting them to you? why you feel passive? If you are aware you will feel different to people who you are comfortable with, this does not mean you should define yourself as a passive person, It's how you are reacting to the particular person. Whether they see your faults or not is irrelevant, because it can be on a unconcious level, You could remind them of someone in their past, Sometimes your insecurities etc might trigger insecurities in them. The first point is to find out what might be causing it?

Forget what some people said above as to ignore it, the FACT is you can't you have to deal with it first and take the neccessary steps to reach awareness and understanding, and learn how to respond and not to react or fall into a negative pattern, as you said you keep attracting these people, no good in ignoring the problem. Secondly You have to realise these people are everywhere.

Note just be aware of them when you don't give a reaction?
Try a smile every now and then as response

Watch how other people respond to them, even if friendly?
Watch how other's might react when they see this person coming down on top of you!

I would put this thread as a heading called life, we will meet these people where ever we go, it's how you carry yourself to others and how you deal with other's people only respond to what they see..

ST*

Commander Vimes wrote:

i was going to do that but i was too shy to sign up

Lol - I think you should. Might help you turn those 'i's into 'I's

NutJob

My health suffered as a result of being too passive and attracting these type of people in both relationships and friendships.

Theres only so much you can do for someone before you have to pull back and say wait a second.

Took me a long time to realise how badly negative people can affect your life.


There are plenty of books on breaking a cycle of co-dependance thatll make u ask some hard questions of yourself.

mysterious

NutJob wrote:

My health suffered as a result of being too passive and attracting these type of people in both relationships and friendships.

"Blame other's for my problems"

Nutjob wrote:

Theres only so much you can do for someone before you have to pull back and say wait a second.[/qoute]
"I can't do it"

Nutjob wrote:

Took me a long time to realise how badly negative people can affect your life.

It's everyone else's fault for making my life miserable, bla bla bla, You know being quite blunt as I am right now. It's not that people are always harsh to you, it just maybe that you are harsher on yourself, people pick up on this conciously or unconciously. YOU ATTRACT negative people because you have a negative frame of mind, It's not that you are passive, It's denial.. I have also being in this situation so no I'm not bluffing...

Nutjob wrote:

There are plenty of books on breaking a cycle of co-dependance thatll make u ask some hard questions of yourself.

Maybe this is a start to taking responsibility.

NutJob

"Blame other's for my problems"

Im the only person responsible for my problems and im well aware of that thank you.

I fix my own problems it just took a while to figure out how.

It's everyone else's fault for making my life miserable, bla bla bla, You know being quite blunt as I am right now. It's not that people are always harsh to you, it just maybe that you are harsher on yourself, people pick up on this conciously or unconciously. YOU ATTRACT negative people because you have a negative frame of mind, It's not that you are passive, It's denial.. I have also being in this situation so no I'm not bluffing...

Im not miserable far from it in fact i have alot better a life than i used to and i am genuinely happy which not many people can say.

This is because im not running round trying to keep everybody happy.:)


I have a group of "positive people" in my life that were not there before.


As for attracting negative people because of a negative frame of mind thats true how the hell do you think compulsive co-dependance works and hence exactly how you break it.


As for the responsiblty side of things just dont start there because thats all iv ever done.


At no stage did i say my life was anyone elses fault and at no stage did i blame anyone for it except me allowing controling psychos into my life and not getting them out earlier.

Nuff said i think.



So dont worry be happy!:D

mysterious

A great turnaround I must say!:) Amazing how you can turn a negative into a positive, keep it up:) At least now your admitting.

DOLEMAN

I know a few girls who always tell me they "attract psychos". And it did seem to be true, however...

I noticed the problem with these girls is not actually that they attract psychos. It's that they'll basically talk/shag any guy who gives them male attention.

Example: An ex-flatmate of mine used to say the same thing. "I attract psychos!". Thing is, she's slept with about 1000 men. Of course a lot of them were going to be psychos!

If you sleep with enough people you're bound to run into a few weirdos... It's basic maths...

the real ramon wrote:

I've come accross about 4 or 5 people in my life who are ... psychopaths.

OK. 4 or 5 were psychos. Now, how many men have you slept with? Is it a lot more than 4 or 5?

NutJob

mysterious wrote:

A great turnaround I must say!:) Amazing how you can turn a negative into a positive, keep it up:) At least now your admitting.

No blame there just that negative people affect ur life and if you let them they will.

So my point is say no to psychos.

Anyone who knows me knows i dont beleve in b*s*ing around the point and ill openly admit when i make mistakes.:)

. It's that they'll basically talk/shag any guy who gives them male attention.

OK. 4 or 5 were psychos. Now, how many men have you slept with? Is it a lot more than 4 or 5?

That’s a stereo type if I ever herd one and ill just say Ouch!.

ST*

Faith wrote:

Stop being mild-mannered and passive. Like the others have said, try being more assertive.

While I agree with you, it's not that simple I'm afraid. People like TRR are not passive by choice, they've usually always been that way. It takes time to learn to stand up for yourself, speak out, say what is on your mind, and above all say 'no' to whatever you don't agree with. It is why I suggested a course in assertiveness. In a place like that you learn how to deal with situations in your social life, family, career, and even your romantic involvements.

simu wrote:

Just don't let them into your life. (But this requires being able to tell such people apart from anyone else).

This is key here. You hear people saying all of the time 'I'm a good judge of character'. Some people simply aren't. And while they maybe telling the truth to some degree, we all have to admit that we've met someone who wasn't all they appeared to be. People who take advantage of you don't wear flashing neon signs saying 'Im going to fcuk you over'.

On another note, I just don't think talking to any posters here of a passive nature in a negative manner is going to be helpful to them.

NutJob

While I agree with you, it's not that simple I'm afraid. People like TRR are not passive by choice, they've usually always been that way. It takes time to learn to stand up for yourself, speak out, say what is on your mind, and above all say 'no' to whatever you don't agree with. It is why I suggested a course in assertiveness. In a place like that you learn how to deal with situations in your social life, family, career, and even your romantic involvements.

Agreed takes time and alot of effort.

This is key here. You hear people saying all of the time 'I'm a good judge of character'. Some people simply aren't. And while they maybe telling the truth to some degree, we all have to admit that we've met someone who wasn't all they appeared to be. People who take advantage of you don't wear flashing neon signs saying 'Im going to fcuk you over'.

Totaly agree it learning to say no when your not happy. Theres nothing wrong with saying no.

On another note, I just don't think talking to any posters here of a passive nature in a negative manner is going to be helpful to them.

Totaly agree attacking a passive person is going to do wonders for ther self confidence.

azezil

Ach I used to attract them too, hell last one wasn't too long ago, couldn't believe I got sucked in, its been a while

Anywho, I learned to avoid them by, not thrusting anyone who's overly complimentary right from the start. They'll fill you so full of compliments, build you up that you're almost dizzy, in that state you're very suggestable... so that why I decided not to get involved with anyone who gives me lots of compliments before they know anything about me!

And when all else fails, be blunt, something along the lines of "fúck off and die!", usually works a treat!

mysterious

NutJob wrote:

No blame there just that negative people affect ur life and if you let them they will.

So my point is say no to psychos.

Anyone who knows me knows i dont beleve in b*s*ing around the point and ill openly admit when i make mistakes.:)

glad you bold it, but then again people are not out to get you!!!! There is negative and positive everywhere, your seem to define as oh your man is negative and "i better not let him take over" Your still not getting that You might be causing the negativity, everybody does send out negative vibes, it does not mean your are going to plunder with them

Your confusing:rolleyes:

ST*

mysterious wrote:

glad you bold it, but then again people are not out to get you!!!! There is negative and positive everywhere, your seem to define as oh your man is negative and "i better not let him take over" Your still not getting that You might be causing the negativity, everybody does send out negative vibes, it does not mean your are going to plunder with them
Your confusing:rolleyes:

And you are trolling. I think your post is unhelpful as it has nothing to do with negativity. Normally people like this are quite happy, positive, and pleasant by all accounts. This in itself would draw people to them. But it's their passive nature that causes things to go pear shaped.

Your rant on negative vibes is borderline telling them they suffer from depression and they are getting what they give out, and that is ridiculous.

Another thing, I wish the emoticon :rolleyes: would be banned from the entire site, but of most of all here. If the forum is here for the intended purpose of helping people out, there is no place for sarcasm here.

AngryAnderson

azezil wrote:

Ach I used to attract them too, hell last one wasn't too long ago, couldn't believe I got sucked in, its been a while

Anywho, I learned to avoid them by, not thrusting anyone who's overly complimentary right from the start. They'll fill you so full of compliments, build you up that you're almost dizzy, in that state you're very suggestable... so that why I decided not to get involved with anyone who gives me lots of compliments before they know anything about me!

And when all else fails, be blunt, something along the lines of "fúck off and die!", usually works a treat!

Wow. Karma goes full circle, huh? :rolleyes: