What is going on in his head?

mz

I know nobody can answer that question but maybe someone can give me some idea what to do next so follows is the short version of events..

I met a guy last year who was the ex of a friend's friend (I hardly know the ex but have met her a few times) and we ended up getting together. I knew in my heart of hearts it might be a problem as my 'friend' would obviously be looking out for her friend so I was conscious of this. Anyhow we were together for a few weeks and it was great. Then his ex found out and went crazy (number 1 cause he was seeing someone and number 2 that it was me - she hardly knows me)..by the way they had broken up 6 months previously.

Anyhow I ended up walking away from it as it was causing mayhem (and heartache) and he was happy enough to walk away too but we were both very upset. I was upset cause his ex obviously still had a hold over him and there was no point in me fighting against that. I felt it was up to him to be strong and decide what he wanted.

Anyhow as it happens we got in touch last week (i texted him about something totally out of the blue) and he has rung me each day since and has been bombarding me with texts but we haven't met up. So last contact was Sat night (both sober) with texts flying back and forth (all very casual but good craic) and then sunday...nothing, zilch. I texted him yesterday and no reply (i got a delivery report). What is going on??

My gut instinct is telling me to run away but i really really like this guy. I know for a fact he is still in contact with his ex and for all I know maybe they are still an item but I doubt it from things he has said and I don't think he is the cheating type as it is all too close to home for that. What should I do? :confused

observer

Ah I Wouldn't Worry Yet Give It Till Next Sunday And Then Start To Get Worried

BoozyBabe

If he's still in contact with the ex (going by what you've said, that would make it about 1.5yrs from they broke up, & they're still in contact), then leave it be, as things won't have changed from last time round

takola

BoozyBabe wrote:

If he's still in contact with the ex (going by what you've said, that would make it about 1.5yrs from they broke up, & they're still in contact), then leave it be, as things won't have changed from last time round

I agree with boozy babe. If he's still in contact with his ex then its very likely that she still has a hold over him. Do you know if he's been with other girls since you?

About the texts stopping, Don't over-react or analyse too much on that one. There are loads of reasons he may not have replied. Give it a couple of days and if he hasnt replied by Sat forget about him and move on. Easier said than done i know, but sometimes It's all you can do.

mz

Takola I don't know if he has been with other girls...I suppose I should have asked him about the ex at the startbut I just didn't want to push it and initially was thinking it was just a friendly call! Then I figured it would all come out with time. His ex is one of those girls that stays great buddies with her ex's (I know one of her other ex's) so it wouldn't be unusual for them to be in contact..they were together for about 8 years and have known each other since they were small.

As I read this back I realise it is not sounding good but I really like him but to be honest I don't think I could deal with an ex hanging around all the time (he broke up with her and I suspect she still loves him).

Ok I won't text him..i'll just wait (totally impatiently)
Thanks

vibrant

I say go for it - you're both consenting adults (I'm assuming...), and himself and the ex broke up 18 months ago! I don't see a problem in that.

Onward and upward is my motto!

Don't fret too much about the texts, for all you know he is out of credit or something daft like that. Don't read too much into these things, you'll only create dramas for yourself!

mz

Incase anyone is interested he rang last night and apologised for not replying to my text yesterday and said he had left his phone in a friends (mmm don't know if I believe that) but we had a great chat....i am just going to leave well alone and see what happens next. It will be a week tomorrow that we first got back in contact so if he doesn't make some plans to meet up this week i'm gonna forget about him!

takola

SEE!!!!!!! Told ya so!

mz

Oh. my. god.
Ok so the texts and calls have been going on for 2 weeks and we have been getting on great. So 2 weekends have passed and no mention of meeting up so I decided to ask him what the story is (I have no idea where i got the courage!) so I casually asked are we ever going to meet up and his answer was....he wants to wait until his ex meets someone else - hallo - holy god i couldn't believe it! To cut a long story short he told me he really likes me etc etc but he doesn't want to hurt her. He broke up with her over a year ago.
Anyhow I told him not to come knocking on my door when he cops onto himself when he's 40 but we ended it on amicable terms.
Why why why did he keep texting and ringing me? Where did he think this was going?

And finally to top it all off we have to see each other at the weekend at our mutual friend's wedding and she (the ex I hardly know) is gonna be there throwing me daggers.

Am I right to walk away AGAIN?? (I really like this guy)

arbeitsscheuer

From a bloke's perspective, it's clear that his head is a complete mess, and despite the fact that he clearly likes you a lot it is obvious that involvement with you is the last thing he needs on his plate right now. He cares about his ex to the extent he doesn't want to hurt her, but doesn't seem to see that people get hurt at the end of relationships anyway - that's the nature of the beast.

By the sounds of things, you should probably give him a wide berth. If you still like him when he (eventually) realises that his responsibilities towards his ex are finito and you are the one he should be interested in, then you'll know it's right. But right now all you can do is not rush him into anything and try to understand that he's a bit skewed at this moment in time.

Zebra3

mz wrote:

he wants to wait until his ex meets someone else

Sorry, but he sounds like a wimp.

Get someone else to flirt with you in front of him when you all meet up. If that doesn't get a response, forget it.....

Nasty_Girl

Sounds like he is holding out hope of getting back with the ex himself to me.

He doesn't want to get with anyone while there's still a chance of gettin with her?

I dunno.

If I were you I'd walk away.

If he wants you he'll come for you regardless of his ex.

mawk

Zebra3 wrote:

Get someone else to flirt with you in front of him when you all meet up. If that doesn't get a response, forget it.....

eh..
i dunno about that one gravey..

just because he isnt going out with her doesnt mean its easy for him to just drop the feeling of responsibility he has towards her. maybe he still just feels like she is a friend and doesnt want to hurt her?

might be easier to get him on his own than try to sort it at an event like a wedding. give him a call and ask him to get a coffee or something with you and offer the ultimatum in words to his face.
some guys can be too patient for their own good, and some just wont realise whats in front of their faces.

actually ask him directly though, dont just sit back and wait if you like him that much.

mz

Thanks for the reply guys. It is wrecking my head but I suppose I will see him over the weekend so i'll know more after the event.

She is a very good friend of his and was for a long time before they got together and as they are part of the same 'gang' I suppose he wants things to be ok between them.

I see both people's arguments...sometime I think just walk away cause if he liked me that much he would give it a go but on the other hand he is a really nice guy and I know he doesn't want to hurt her.

I wish she would fall off the face of the earth (not that I want anything to happen to her but a one way ticket to Tasmania would be good!) and then all would be good

Anyhow I suppose this one is just another 'wait and see' - story of my life!!

Zebra3

mz wrote:

She is a very good friend of his and was for a long time before they got together and as they are part of the same 'gang' I suppose he wants things to be ok between them.

If she was that good a friend, she'd be happy for him to meet someone else.

Does she ever expect him to have a life of his own? Or has he to put it on hold until she's 'ok'?

athena 2000

mz wrote:

... if he liked me that much he would give it a go but on the other hand he is a really nice guy and I know he doesn't want to hurt her.
<snip>
Anyhow I suppose this one is just another 'wait and see' - story of my life!!

It's great he's such a nice guy, but you're right in thinking that if he liked you enough he'd give it a go. He might care too much about what other people think. Whatever the case, who said you have to 'wait and see'? Get out there and date. Don't wait on him.