A fight too far...

LegacyUser

Okay I'm sure you lot probably sick of people dumping their load here but I'm in a messed-up situation and I don't know what to do.

More often than not when my partner and I have an argument even if over just regular couple stuff it escalates into this massive massive fight.. It gets physical sometimes and we really hurt each other. I am guilty in this respect. It's like we suddenly speak different languages and all understanding and love between us disappears. Drink etc are usually involved. But I think to cite that as the cause would be too simplistic.

I have no doubt that we love each other. I truly believe, as naive as that may sound, that this is the love of my life and if we could past this problem we could be happy together for a long long time as when we aren't fighting it is complete bliss. I just don't know if this can be solved or are we both better off apart? It is in so many ways a beautiful and passionate relationship but have borders been crossed that can't be undone or is it possible, when two people have hurt each other so badly, to pick up the pieces in some way and start things over? When two souls are as hurt as we are can there even be a starting point for conversation?

Obviously a relationship is pretty hard to define in a forum as general as this. My question is do you think, if things have gone this far between two people, with both parties having wronged each other, that there is any hope?

Hmm_Messiah

so negative behaviour only exists where there is real feeling and caring,otherwise why would you bother fighting, or making up?

physical attacks on some one you care for needs URGENT profesional intervention ASAP, for you and your partners sake.

Most of the organisations which deal with abuse (which this is btw) will also consider dealing with the abuser, or direct you in the right way.

while you might villify yourself after these rows you should note profesional help will see you in a different light realising you want to fix this; giving immediate solutions and longer term ones.

and ,yes, there is always hope. each continuation of the rship has been based i'd guess on love, and hope

Boston

If you want to live the rest of your life either knocking the **** out of someone you love, or having them knocking the **** out of you, then thats your choice.

Huggles

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

so negative behaviour only exists where there is real feeling and caring,otherwise why would you bother fighting, or making up?

physical attacks on some one you care for needs URGENT profesional intervention ASAP, for you and your partners sake.

Most of the organisations which deal with abuse (which this is btw) will also consider dealing with the abuser, or direct you in the right way.

while you might villify yourself after these rows you should note profesional help will see you in a different light realising you want to fix this; giving immediate solutions and longer term ones.

and ,yes, there is always hope. each continuation of the rship has been based i'd guess on love, and hope

I agree with all the above points and I will just add that you both could lay of the drink and see how you get on, if not compltely, just cut back.

damien

It's amazing what the fear of being alone and unloved will make some people do. I've seen some partners in an abusive relationship go back again and again to their abuser and each time lose more friends and family as a result. The excuses all seem of the same variety "He loves me really." "You don't understand him like I do, he can change" or my personal favourite "This time is different, he said he's changed." Isn't it amazing that the men that smash in the face of their loved ones are classed as "passionate" by those they abuse?

Cop on and get some help. If you are resorting to violence then it's not a relationship problem you have, it's a psychological one. Just because you are the most passionate couple in the world ever or some other faux poetic delusion, doesn't mean that violence is somehow acceptable. I'm sure you believe that it's love you feel in this relationship but I'd bet money lots of professionals would class it as codependence.

LegacyUser

I'm not asking for judgement, I'm asking for advice or shared experiences.

swiss

I'm not asking for judgement, I'm asking for advice or shared experiences.

The almost unanimous advice you're getting here is cop on and get some help. The experiences some posters have cited indicate that those who are in this position and don't get help are likely to be trapped in this cycle of violence indefinitely.

If you're not willing to accept that, don't be surprised if people judge you.

Beruthiel

Hurtinside&out wrote:

More often than not when my partner and I have an argument even if over just regular couple stuff it escalates into this massive massive fight.. It gets physical sometimes and we really hurt each other.

This is not how any normal, healthy relationship works. You don't beat the crap out of someone you truly love.
You both seem to have anger issues, either seek professional help or break up, because as it is, you are not good for each other

damien

hurtinside&out wrote:

I'm not asking for judgement, I'm asking for advice or shared experiences.

Do you require advice you want to hear or advice you need to hear?

LegacyUser

Okay, I'm sorry. Not thinking straight with this. I appreciate advice given and as I know prof. counselling will not be seen as an option I'll have to go the other road and finish things for both our sakes.
Which yes I suppose is not what I really want to do or subsequently hear because I am in love - despite the ugly turns our relationship has sometimes taken. But four times is sometimes too many!

Boston

I think thats the right decision on your part. Life is too short to be afraid of someone you love.

azezil

But in doing that you're just running away and not dealing with a serious problem you do have, what about the next relationship, you think that'll be any different? and what if you can't control you're anger again, run away... just keep running?

LegacyUser

I honestly don't think either of us are scared of the other. It's more like a flip out between us that we have, to date, gotten past but at this stage I worry it's a pattern we can't change, though I would try anything to do so.

LegacyUser

As i said I would try anything to sort this out or even talk about it to better understand what has happened for us both. We have both hurt each other physically, not to mention the pain that comes with that and I know neither of us are proud of what has happened.

Hmm_Messiah

"co-dependence" in my experience, and my opinion is a poorly used term, even in the context of professional counselling and often as much a blinkering as it often attributes to people.

The suggestion that people remain in unhealthy relationships because they see the option of being alone as worse is an objective one and it dehumanises the unique human experience.

Those I've known in "co-dependent" relationships often remain in them because they are committed to a person they care for, and its not being alone they blinker themselves from, but instead opt to endure pain and difficulty in the hope of coming thro the other side with some one who is important to them, some one they do not want to lose. Of course its more complex than this, but the term codependent does not allow for any complexity, any variation in the transactions between people.

I endured a great deal from my best friend as he descended into a drinking hell. In many ways I was "enabling" his drinking apparently by covering some of his bills etc etc. The reality though for any one who looked subjectively at the intricaties of our frship was far from "enabling" and maintaining the friendship was definitely not the easy option. If anything I "enabled" him to maintain shelter, a job or sorts, a sense of worth, til he was ready/able to tackle an illness that does horrific damage to young people. Now the friendship is over, but he on the other side of rehab; - and to me that's a sufficently good thing.

I don't mean that any one should endure abuse and pain within a relationship. I wish often that my mother just walked away from my father, despite that it would deprive me of wonderful sisters, and in the end some sense of healing before he died. But to reduce every behaviour to what it "generally" implies is unhelpful.

The behaviour described though is circular, sadly most often every increasing circles of hurt and damage. It's also criminal !. It is unfortunate that the human mind latches on so easily to habit, do anything more than a few times and it can be "recorded" as what you do in the same situation.

The OP needs to move away from the relationship and deal with things professionally, for his sake as a person before ever contemplating what it might mean for the longterm future of the relationship.

His next post (if any) should be "...I rang _______ (helpline), or spoke to my doctor...." , anything else serves little purpose.

Peoples opinion, or life experiences etc have only a limited value and you have received a number now of both. It really is decision time. And now you are in a new situation : If there is another voilent incident you will know that in the calmness you recognised the problem, and queried it (here)... if you do nothing about it outside of a crisis then its difficult not to see this violence as something you choose.

PAX

WexfordMusings

Unfortunately, some of this rings a bell. I have been checking on line and note that GLEN do some good work in Dublin and The Southern Gay Men's Health Project some good work in the Southern Region, but what do you do and where can you go in Wexford to speak with someone.

Nevyn

Can't change or won't change ?

The fear of the relationship not working if you try to make changes can be a very real one but that is not a good enough reason to be enduring an abusive relationship even if the both you are phyically abusive to each other.

You both need to find ways to express yourself that do not include hitting each other, it sound like you both have anger management issues.

If you want to stay to gether then I suggest you try get help.

Annasopra

I know prof. counselling will not be seen as an option

What do you mean by this - have you already decided? do your think your boyfriend will not see it is as an option? why?