Wife's low drive

Whizzo

Looking for a bit of advice here.
I've a pretty high sex drive but my wife of 9yrs has a lowish one. 90% of the time I make the 1st move, I'm not a selfish lover - 2mins then roll over, I always wait for her to come 1st, I'm good looking, fit, adventerous but I get really frustrated by only having sex once a week, despite asking most other times.
Tiredness is a factor for her, she doesn't work but minds our two kids (youngest 3)
I've talked with good male and female friends and 3 times a week seems normal, an other female friend has a similar problem but in reverse.
I recently bought a rampant rabbit (platinum version!) and we've had fun with that.
I have bought her stuff to wear in bed, PJ's , shorts, but she won't wear what I buy only the damn long sleeve long leg PJ's (I swear they're flannel)
I'm running out of ideas to get her to be more interested (not sure if its in me or in sex).

She went to a doctor about her tiredness and was told she was low in iron, that all.

Problem is I'm a sulky little boy when I don't get my own way, but I do try to hide it ---most times.
Whats worrying me a bit is that usually when we'd have a few drinks on us, I'd be gauranteed sex, recently not been the case....thats worrying?

Any ideas how to improve things? Lady viagra ground up in her cornflakes came to mind but not invented yet!

Nevyn

Sounds like she may be run down and the dr should have recamended a tonic and multivitamens,
why don't you pamper her more, get her a gym membership, a gift voucher for a massage,
take the kids away all day saturdayto the zoo or what ever and give her a break,
then get the kids to be open a bottle of wine and order in food and see where the evening goes.

Whizzo

She has been putting on a bit of weight around the belly recently and I did suggest a gym membership but didn't say why I thought she should go to the gym. I got a very tearful response asking never to mention walking / gym memb. again, that she knows she's put on a bit and can't do anything about it!
Smoking alot more too.
The pampering idea's good though, thanks

spurious

Did the doc do a complete exam? Including a blood test?

Her symptoms...lack of libido..weight gain on abdomen, slight depression, 'run down' feeling - all sound like a thyroid problem - very VERY common in Irish women, and very under-diagnosed.
Are her periods very heavy?

If I were you, or her, I'd go for a full blood test including thyroid panel to rule things out or in.

ST*

You mentioned you spoke to some friends about the matter. Have you spoken to your wife? Lack of iron in her diet will cause her to feel quite lethargic, coupled with two small children to keep up with.. that explains a lot. To be honest, she could be a bit run down by the sounds of things, and she may even feel a bit unattractive right now.

Outside of your daily rountines, do you and your wife get time away from the children to go to dinner / cinema / walk together? It seems she needs some perking up, and needs recognition as a woman again, not just a mum.

I think if you sort things outside the bedroom first, then you will see some results.

Whizzo

spurious wrote:

Did the doc do a complete exam? Including a blood test?

Her symptoms...lack of libido..weight gain on abdomen, slight depression, 'run down' feeling - all sound like a thyroid problem - very VERY common in Irish women, and very under-diagnosed.
Are her periods very heavy?

If I were you, or her, I'd go for a full blood test including thyroid panel to rule things out or in.

Spurious, you're right on the button, her periods are very heavy and lasting longer than normal so she went to the doc beause of this and got full bloods done, hence the low iron content, nothing came back about the thyroid and I do recall this being mentioned.

shinners007

if u organised a babysitter and arranged a romantic evening etc... could help i would say. or perhaps head a away for a weekend.

are you affectionate towards her daily and complementing etc...

be spontaneous arrange some sexy surprises ie cook a meal, give her flowers show her how much you appreciate her. women love romance. bring the spark back.

talk to her tell her how much you love her and that your worried about her and yer sex life.

make an effort to get some on yer own time with her.

if none of the above works i suggest she heads back to her GP for fuller examinations.

best of luck.

Whizzo

We moved out to the stix in the last six months, so access to baby sitters is a bit difficult (but not impossible) at the moment.
But most of youre advice does steer towards perking her up, making her feel like a woman. She really turns me on, so that is always an oppotunity for a compliment. When we are away from the kids overnight we jump straight back to 'us' so easily.
I'm in wk right now, but a bunch of flowers on the way home and a ramble thru the fields and a chat together later on might help her perk up.
I also picked up some Iron tablets - a true romantic jesture!

Thanks for the advice.

ST*

Whizzo wrote:

I also picked up some Iron tablets - a true romantic jesture!

In that case, pick her up a fruit basket too.

Nevyn

Ah so she has been moved out in the middle of no where away from her life and routine and family and friends and is feeling down and trapped.
Seriously she needs to find her own life and things to do for herself and things will improve all round.

Asiaprod

Thaedydal wrote:

Ah so she has been moved out in the middle of no where away from her life and routine and family and friends and is feeling down and trapped.

Ah, there at least is one of the problems. A feeling of alienation. She probably has taken a big hit being away from old friends and routines. In Japan, it is very common to be transfered all over the country. My wife and I had a very similar situation. While for me moving was not such a problem as I had my work to keep me active, my wife began to feel house bound with no means of escape. As I was occupied with work I really did not realize how she was suffering. I too noticed a real slack off in our sexual relationship and like the OP was at a loss to understand why. In desperation I trashed it out with her to discover that the isolation was the cause and not me. Once we both understood the problem it was easy to find a remedy. Bearing this in mind, do all you can to make her feel com fortable and nature will take its course. Women need other women, much more than guys need other guys.:)

6th

Dont base your love life on "how much your friends get" try give her attention that doesnt lead to sex for a while. Sex is great but a marraige needs more. Just cos you pester her for sex doesnt mean she should feel sexy. Give her attention and lay off the pressure.

cupsoftea

If you want your wife to feel more attractive and therefore feel more sexual, telling her she has put on weight, telling her to join a gym and buying her clothes (ie telling her what to wear so as to turn YOU on (when turning her on is the issue)) is probably not the best way to go about it.

the_syco

Whizzo wrote:

She went to a doctor about her tiredness and was told she was low in iron, that all.

OK, I'm a man, but I was deeling tired all the time, and this was what the doctor told me as well. He said to eat more iron.

One thing that I thought fixed it was eating brown bread instead of white bread (which tires you out, as your body takes longer to break it down) and also by trying to get some exercise. The excercies bit ain't going the best, but from eating brown bread instead of white, I've lost over a stone in the last few months, and feel less tired.

As for living in the middle of the country, see if there is a thing that the kids can become involved in, such as Cubs or Scouts, or something. This will get the kids off your lap for an hour or two, and it also will help your wife meet other mothers, and make friends herself.

nesf

Tbh, I'd concentrate on making her happier before getting worked up over the lack of sex. From what you've said it sounds like the lower sex drive is a symptom of something larger at work.

Seraphina

its interesting that men only cop on there's something wrong in a relationship when they stop getting sex :rolleyes:

as others have said, try paying her more attention, and not just when you want sex. get rid of the kids for a while and make time to do things together, even if its just simple stuff, like cooking her dinner or going for a walk together.

metrovelvet

its interesting that men only cop on there's something wrong in a relationship when they stop getting sex

Lol. Its like the masturbation opens their eyes, rather than blinding them.

OP, it sounds like your wife is bored.

Sinister

Maybe if you have an interesting personality and stimulated your wife mentally you would get more action in the bedroom???
I would say the reason for the long sleeved PJ's is something to do with the ****hole of a house that you bought in the countryside.
Have you never suggested a threesome? or double penetratation ??
Maybe it is something to do with the horses in the field by your house ,she might feel guilty about wishing you had a large penis???
Do you have a gardener with an English Accent???? Maybe he is giving her what she needs????

MojoMaker

:d :d

Nevyn

Sinister banned.

MojoMaker if you have an issue with a post please use the report post function.

the_syco

Sinister wrote:

I would say the reason for the long sleeved PJ's is something to do with the ****hole of a house that you bought in the countryside.

I don't agree about how it was said, but women do get colder than men. Something to do with evolution, men being hunters/farmers, women being near the fire/stove. Is the house you're in cold at night? Try getting an electric heater, and she may wear the shorter nightwear at night, as she may be cold at the moment. Just a thought.

As for the rest of what Sinister said, well, it sounds like they watch every episode of "Desperate Housewives", tbh:rolleyes:

=-=

As for no sex after a few drinks, she may just be tired from her day with her kids, and just want some rest, instead of still having energy, and wanting to burn some of it.

Question: before you moved into "the stix", where the children at home alot? I ask as before they were proberly always out, and thus your wife had energy to burn, but now, as you're out in the country, she has to do all her chores, plus keep an eye on the kids, ensure they're not bored, etc, and thus, at the end of the day is tired, thus just see the drinks as a chance to relax, and goto bed.

=-=

You proberly moved due to your job, and if so, see if there is any social club that the other people at your job are part of, and also if they know of any babysitters. Alot of my relative's live in the country, and they usually know of one or two local teenagers whom they use for babysitting. True, most aren't around on a Saturday night, but on a Friday night (to earn money for the Saturday night), 5th/6th year girls babysit. Play by word of mouth, as then you'll know if they're any good.

Sleepy

metrovelvet wrote:

its interesting that men only cop on there's something wrong in a relationship when they stop getting sex

Lol. Its like the masturbation opens their eyes, rather than blinding them.

OP, it sounds like your wife is bored.

You can never resist a chance to bash a man can you? Can I suggest dealing with your own issues before advising others?

OP, it sounds like your wife is tired and isolated, pampering her a bit might be a good idea. Maybe a week away for the two of you somewhere? I'd second the advice about trying to help her settle more in the new area, has she any hobbies/interests you can help her get involved in locally? Tiredness tends to breed tiredness so sitting around isn't the answer to getting your energy back, exercise and activity can help boost your energy levels as can eating the right type of diet.

metrovelvet

That bolded font is Seraphina's contribution. Perhaps you should learn not to misquote me before you get on my case.

Can i suggest you learn a thing or two about women before you offer advice on the female libido.

Beruthiel

metro and sleepy
take your bitchin' elsewhere
B

Sleepy

It was the 'sounds like your wife is bored' dig I was referring to.

I'm not trying to bitch Beruthiel, just think that taking a dig at the guy on something that there's no evidence to suggest is true based on his posts is a particularly unhelpful thing to do.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I have recenty moved to this area & I am a stay-at-home mum to two young children & I have to say, if my husband bought me frilly nighties & a vibrator if our sex life declined, I'd laugh in his face! Are they not more for your benefit than her's...honestly now? Personally, a nanny or a cleaner to take some of the workload off of me would go much further towards putting me "in the mood" than lingerie and a plastic cock, lol! I don't feel sexy when I am exhausted, covered in kids food & goodness knows what else and have a million-and-one things on my to-do list....I do feel sexy when rested, when I feel loved & supported and when my husband makes the effort to help out so I can get some quality time off....

Perhaps work more on boosting her self-esteem....looking after young children is a pretty thankless task & unless my husband tells me what a terrific job I'm doing, I get no pay rise, bonus or promotion to make me feel indispensible....maybe buy her a voucher for a spa or something to spoil herself while you take the kids, do the shopping & finish housework (you may already do all that - sorry for the assumption...)...

Joining a club or getting to know other women in the area is a necessity if your wife isn't to get depressed and feel isolated.....I need other women to talk to - it just isn't the same talking to my husband....does your wife have access to a car? Is there a town close by? Mother & toddler groups? Anyway, my advice would be making your wife feel happy & special as she is & the rest will follow.....best of luck

metrovelvet

In my defense I was not digging at the OP. We all know boredom is up there in the top ten killers of relationships, I am simply acknowleging a state of mind, a condition of being.

Nevyn

Sleepy, metrovelvet ye were already warned stop trying to start it up again.

Lex Luthor

Whizzo wrote:

Looking for a bit of advice here.
I've a pretty high sex drive but my wife of 9yrs has a lowish one. 90% of the time I make the 1st move,

Ok. I think everyone here is missing the point. He has stated in his first 2 sentences that his wife has a low sex drive. Has it always been like this? If so, I don't think it is likely to change dramatically. I'm not a doctor, but you can't change a persons chemistry. It might improve slightly by all the recommendations of the people here, but don't expect it to ever match yours.

I've been through what you're experiencing and unless she is willing to meet you some of the way if you are making an effort, then it will get very frustrating for you.

DublinWriter

Whizzo wrote:

Tiredness is a factor for her, she doesn't work but minds our two kids (youngest 3)
...
I have bought her stuff to wear in bed, PJ's , shorts, but she won't wear what I buy only the damn long sleeve long leg PJ's (I swear they're flannel)
I'm running out of ideas to get her to be more interested (not sure if its in me or in sex).

Dude, you turn a woman on mentally first then physically. Stop thinking like a man!!!

No amount of toys, costumes, lube etc you buy will have the desired effect.

I suggest you have a good, long talk about this with her. After all, it's what marriage is all about.

Be honest with her, but don't paint her out to be the guilty party. Just express yourself honestly without putting any one party to blame.

Rogueish

Ickle Magoo wrote:

OP,

I have recenty moved to this area & I am a stay-at-home mum to two young children & I have to say, if my husband bought me frilly nighties & a vibrator if our sex life declined, I'd laugh in his face! Are they not more for your benefit than her's...honestly now? Personally, a nanny or a cleaner to take some of the workload off of me would go much further towards putting me "in the mood" than lingerie and a plastic cock, lol! I don't feel sexy when I am exhausted, covered in kids food & goodness knows what else and have a million-and-one things on my to-do list....I do feel sexy when rested, when I feel loved & supported and when my husband makes the effort to help out so I can get some quality time off....

Perhaps work more on boosting her self-esteem....looking after young children is a pretty thankless task & unless my husband tells me what a terrific job I'm doing, I get no pay rise, bonus or promotion to make me feel indispensible....maybe buy her a voucher for a spa or something to spoil herself while you take the kids, do the shopping & finish housework (you may already do all that - sorry for the assumption...)...

Joining a club or getting to know other women in the area is a necessity if your wife isn't to get depressed and feel isolated.....I need other women to talk to - it just isn't the same talking to my husband....does your wife have access to a car? Is there a town close by? Mother & toddler groups? Anyway, my advice would be making your wife feel happy & special as she is & the rest will follow.....best of luck

Exactly as Magoo says. Take her advice, she knows exactly what she is talking about. But listen carefully to what she has to say - it is no use whatsoever of sending your good wife off to a spa when she knows that there will be a mini disaster area and a to-do list as long as her arm waiting for her when she gets back. It just defeats the purpose.

Good luck