Untitled story

Here's a short short-story I wrote whilst bored in work. I apologise for its crappyness, but I actually was somewhat pleased with the way it turned out. Opinions would be greatly appreciated.

The rain pattered down the window as the lines of cars drove slowly by; a never-ending traffic jam. From his perch high on the rooftops they looked like an endless parade of ants marching their way towards oblivion. A bitterly cold wind blew in from the East causing him to shiver. Birds hovered in the wind as they swooped low over unsuspecting passers-by startling them. A car’s horn echoed out between the walls of the narrow street.

The wind howled through the empty alleyways which meandered through the rows and rows of houses. A hooded figure rubbed his hands together before place a cigarette between his lips and lighting it; the flame of the lighter casting a pale orange glow against the alleyways stone walls. A single puff of smoke rose into the air as he inhaled and exhaled; the cigeratte providing little heat against the bitterly cold night. He rummaged through his pockets and produced a small silver hipflask. He unscrewed the lid and took a sip of its contents, the liquid warming its way through his body. After a few more puffs he dropped the cigerrete to the ground and crushed it under his heel

The figure in the rooftops observed the man like a scientist would observe some sample of a rare substance. He glanced at his watch before glancing back at the man, yet he had disappeared. Vanished! The figure moved stealthily over the rooftops, leaping over the skylights, and keeping in the shadows. His eyes scanned the alleyways looking for any trace of the man but to no avail. The hooded figure had vanished into the shadows.

At last a glimmer of hope came in the form of a flicker of flame in the doorway of an abandoned house. He leaped soundlessly to the paving stones of the alleyway. He reached into his jacket and withdrew a knife, its blade glinting in what little light the pale moon cast off. He peered into the doorway of the house. A long corridor extended forward at the end of which stood an old wooden staircase. He watched as the glowing tip of a cigerate illuminated the smoker’s face; the wooden steps creaking underfoot. After what he deemed as an appropriate amount of time, he stepped inside.

The figure crept slowly towards the stair. He glanced into the opened doorways of the rooms that lined the corridors on either side. He climbed the stairs soundlessly. Years of practice had perfected his ability to move as if he was weightless. The stairs opened up into a large room at the end of which stretched a short corridor. The hooded figure walked down this oblivious to the fact he was being stalked. He turned into one of the rooms and closed the door, the sound of which echoed throughout the house.

Lightning flashed outside as he made his way into the corridor. Thunder masked his footsteps as he crept his way towards the door. He reached for the handle and with a click the door opened. The hooded figure sat on some boxes with his back turned to the door. Raindrops streaked down the window as the weather worsened. The gale wailed through the house. The hooded figure dropped the cigarette to the ground and reached for his hipflask. He stared sadly at the window and sighed deeply.

More flashes of lightning illuminated the room and the figure moved forwards, knife in hand. He moved closer towards the hooded figure. A metal clanging sound echoed throughout the room as the flask’s lid hit the ground. The hooded figure took a swig from the bottle and continued staring out the window. He moved closer towards the hooded figure and readied his knife. He placed his hand on his neck and in one movement stuck the knife into his side; the blade embedding itself between his ribs. The blade twisted and was removed. The sound of blood gurgling in the hooded figures throat drowned out the thunder. He slumped forward and fell to the ground; a golden pool of blood forming beneath the body.

The figure turned and walked out of the room, down the stairs, and into the street. He never saw the hooded figure’s face. He would never know who he was, if he was innocent or guilty, good or bad. He never asked questions. For to ask question was not an option in his line of business. His employer wanted this man dead and that’s all he needed to know. He was a hired-killer, an assassin – and that was that. He raised his collar and made his way back into the shadows on that bitterly cold night.

Sorry bout the double post, but would just be interested in getting some criticism for it

Outcast

I quite like it. I think maybe you could do without some of the similes ie "The figure in the rooftops observed the man like a scientist would observe some sample of a rare substance." To me it made it sound like a parody.

And I think maybe you could let subtext talk a bit more. You don't really need the last bit, the events speak for themselves.

I like it overall though!

Outcast

Outcast wrote:

I quite like it. I think maybe you could do without some of the similes ie "The figure in the rooftops observed the man like a scientist would observe some sample of a rare substance." To me it made it sound like a parody.

And I think maybe you could let subtext talk a bit more. You don't really need the last bit, the events speak for themselves.

I like it overall though!

Yeah, actually I was writing it a trailer for scary movie 4 came on.. and they did a parody of War of the Worlds.. and that part is a bit like the opening of that book

The ending was a bit rushed, as I didnt want to leave the story unfinished.

Thanks though

lilmissprincess

Very descriptive, my English teacher would love it!!!
Great work.

rOBeRt frETt

It was a Gummi Bear!

Torak

rOBeRt frETt wrote:

It was a Gummi Bear!

bouncing here and there and everywhere???

lmao..

Thought the piece was good to read, nice tempo, only issue being a couple of the similes as mentioned already!!

Also one thing I find difficult to manage myself is the "The figure". "The figure" does a lot of things!. I can't suggest anything better except to re-read yourself and try to think how it sounds.

As a matter of interest if you felt like expirementing you could try just moving the term "The figure" to a different point in the sentences than the start. e.g. instead of

Deleted User wrote:

The figure turned and walked out of the room, down the stairs, and into the street

you might try

Turning and walking out of the room, the figure made its way down the stairs and into the street

Just a suggestion, and I thought the story was very good and thoroughly enjoyable