The dog ate my homework.

Pighead

Pigheads been to about 17 of his grandparents funerals over the years. My teacher must have thought my grandparents had amazing re-incarnation skills the amount of times I used that hackneyed old excuse. Or more probably, maybe they thought I was a lying little school shy toerag. (I feel sorry for the kids in Walkinstown who find it hard to use the granny excuse as the average age of a granny there is 31).

I remember telling a teacher my maths homework wasn't done because my brother was in the hospital and they didn't allow calculators in the hospital. And the ninny believed me!

During my working years my excuses continue to be lazy and uninspired. I really should put more effort into them. I remember ringing the manager expecting to get his answer machine and panicking when he answered the phone.

Manager: Hello
Pighead: FCUK eh I mean hello,its Pighead here and I won't be into work today
Manager: whats wrong with you
Pighead: Eh Eh Eh My eyes are burning, they're on fire I can't see and therefore can't make my way to work
Next day before I went to work I was forced to douse my lovely eyes with horrible vinegar. Manager saw me for the worthless cretin that I am and roared at me, "Pighead get out of my office, you stink of vinegar you horrible deceitfulexcuse for a man"

Pighead has also been on the receiving end of some excuses. This girl I really liked refused to go out with me as and I quote " "you're far too good in bed for me and you're too well endowed". She broke my heart.

What ridiculous excuses have you used in days gone by?

Setun

Ah yes, the old: "Sorry Dave, you're gona have to work in 5 minutes cos I have to help my Dad with... eh the new house"
Driving by the fellas house I see him putting golfclubs into his mates car. W*nker.

Kiera

I feel off the Nitelink and twisted my ankle.
I was at a party last night in Bray and the trains are on strike so have no way of getting home.
I fell down the stairs but will be in tomorrow.
My boss thinks I have “girlie problems 3 weeks of the month”
I stood on a nail and cant walk.

Then there’s the normal ones like: I was up all night getting sick. It was coming out both ends. Or Someone in my family isn’t well and I have to look after them.

Oh the list goes on……. I always get away with it because even though they know I’m a chancer i get my work done.

Archeron

I remember once, about 10 years ago, it snowed really heavy only in Artane for some reason. Some dude who lived there rang in to say he was snowed in, and couldnt get to work, and every other part of the country was enjoying glorious sunshine. He had to take photos to prove he wasnt spoofing. The worst on the spot excuse I've ever made was that I was laying carpet in the back in the back of a transit and couldnt leave til it was finished.

Femelade

i took a day off work about 3 weeks ago. my excuse: i'm out of breath.

Pighead

When horrible Hilda left my old job many years ago she asked me would I come out for a few farewell drinks later in the evening. As the sweat poured down my forehead I frantically racked my brain for any kind of excuse I could use. Pressure totally got to me though so I just said
"I dont want to go - I am glad you are leaving because you are and have always been a right bitch!"

xzanti

I remember telling a teacher my maths homework wasn't done because my brother was in the hospital and they didn't allow calculators in the hospital. And the ninny believed me!

Ah thats classic

I have the exact same handwriting as my mother and I had her signature town to a T so I used to just write my own notes excusing myself... Only in later secondry school years of course, obviously I didn't write like my mother from junior infants... Twas handy

takola

I remember in the first job i got when i moved to Limerick, One of the girls was late in, and when she'd finally arrived not realising that we'd already covered for her by simply saying that she'd missed her bus and would get the next one, She said (and i quote) "My mother tripped and fell down the stairs, broke both her knees and elbow and as she was CRAWLING to the phone to call for help the sitting room door FELL on her! I had to take her to casualty " I'll never forget it! was hilarious! She was only an hour late!!!

Pighead

Kiera wrote:

I was at a party last night in Bray and the trains are on strike so have no way of getting home.

Ah the classic train strike excuse. Many a time Pigheads used that old puppy.

That reminds me of a time I called in sick from Limerick Junction train station after a particularly drunken weekend in lovely Limerick. When I arrived at the junction I went into the toilets for a bit of quiet so I could call in sick to the manager. The phone call was going beautifully, I had my croaky throat going on, I sounded weak and pathetic and most importantly the manager was believing me. Then disaster struck.

DING DONG The next train approaching platform 3 is the 3.15 to Dublin Heuston.
The speakers were piped into the toilets and it boomed around the toilets up my phone and into my managers ears. He still hasn't forgiven me for that terrible act of deception.

Hagar

I've got a severe case of anal blindness. I can't see me getting my arse into work today.

True story:
I worked with a guy who was challenged by HR when he took time off to go to his grandmother's funeral. It seems he had already done this twice before. His reponse was classic. "My grandfather re-married"

Pighead

Hagar wrote:

I've got a severe case of anal blindness. I can't see me getting my arse into work today.

True story:
I worked with a guy who was challenged by HR when he took time off to got to his grandmother's funeral. It seems he had already done this twice before. His reponse was classic. "My grandfather re-married"

Ha! Thats brilliant. Oh I wish we had work tomorrow now. I want to ring in sick using that one. Hurry up Monday!

*Tripper*

Ha, no matter what the problem was there was always one excuse i always used "ehhhh.....traffic"

Vinnie69

What's your excuse if the boss see you reading this thread at this time of day?:D

Ruu_Old

Mate of mine used to use the "relative of mine died, have to go to his funeral", about 5-6 times a year, no lies. I can understand it once or twice but not that many times.

pantar_dubh

"The dog ate my homework?" Heard that one in school once, and the teacher didn't buy it. "Didn't you save it to disk?" she said. Of course, today the excuse is, "My computer crashed and I lost my homework...My computer is such a dog!"

homah_7ft

Myself and my friend jumped into a puddle on the way to school and claimed we'd got soaked by a passing car and therefore couldn't go in.

ST*

Kiera wrote:

My boss thinks I have “girlie problems 3 weeks of the month”

He / she might have a point..

xzanti wrote:

I have the exact same handwriting as my mother and I had her signature town to a T so I used to just write my own notes excusing myself...

Same scenario, only it was my dads hand-writing that was a snitch. When I'd finished secondary school, I told him. He asked me to show him a note I'd done. When I took out one of the notes, he just started laughing and said 'fair fcuks to ya'.

Giblet

I used to sit in the best spot of the class so when the teacher was going about checking the homework, I'd be listening to what she was saying about what people should have been doing and write that down or copy someone I knew. Worked most of the time

homah_7ft

Giblet wrote:

I used to sit in the best spot of the class so when the teacher was going about checking the homework, I'd be listening to what she was saying about what people should have been doing and write that down or copy someone I knew. Worked most of the time

I have informed the Department of Education Giblet. You have to go back to school in September.

Zapp Brannigan

Best excuse I've ever heard was 3 years ago in 3rd year.

My teachers asked a friend where his geography book was.
My friends reply; "Sir. My geography book didn't feel well today so it's resting at home"

Ruu_Old

Another one I heard from one of the smart arses in class was, he came very late into the day and the teacher asked him where he had been till now.

"Please sir, the bed was too comfortable"

Queue the chorus of laughs

pantar_dubh

Not a doggie excuse, but amusing, so I thought I would share...

Heard this excuse when visiting America. I guy in a Porche was driving peddle-to-the-metal on a highway. He didn't see the highway patrolman until it was too late. Got him with radar. So the Porche driver pulls over immediately (before the patrolman can turn on his lights and give chase) to the side of the highway and waits for the patrolman to pull up behind him.

After asking the Porche driver for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, he asks the driver: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Porche driver: "My speedometer showed 100 MPH. What did your radar gun show, Officer?"

Patrolman: "Yes, you were going at 100 MPH exactly."

Porche driver: "Why thank you Officer. I saw you in the distance and speeded up, as I wanted to check the accuracy of my speedometer."

I was on the beer all night and we didnt go to sleep!We were heading to the pub for some united game.My boss rang me at half twelve asking where i was(i was supposed to be working, had totally forgotten)

Had to think of an excuse on the spot.I told him(my exact words):I've got meningitis and am in hospital.Ill try make it into work tomorrow though."

I got slagged so much for that for moths afterwards.

Victor

Kiera wrote:

I was at a party last night in Bray and the trains are on strike so have no way of getting home.

Aren't there buses in Bray these days?

DublinWriter

Pighead wrote:

I remember telling a teacher my maths homework wasn't done because my brother was in the hospital and they didn't allow calculators in the hospital. And the ninny believed me!

In my day they didn't allow calculators....because they weren't invented yet!

Aye, you'd be a real man if you had a few 'shlaps of the shtick' instead of this homework whinging!

astrofool

Guy in my class used the dog excuse, and came in the next day with his copybook all ripped up to (try and) prove it.

Brian017

A lad in my class once said he suffered from temporary blindness as an excuse.

Terry

i've always been forthright and honest with my excuses.
"why didn't you do your homework?"
i really didn't want to. i had more interesting things to do.
"like what?"
just hanging with my friends.
of course, in school that attitude resulted in my expulsion.

i still used the same reasoning for work though.

[on the phone] yeah, i won't be going in today.
"why not?"
i've got a bitching hangover. drank waaaay too much last night.
"ok, thanks for your honesty. i'll see you tomorrow."

of course, i have had a succession of liberal bosses and would not recommend this course of action unless you are sure your boss will thank you for your honesty.
having said that, there was this one time that some guy had my parents killed and fed them to me with chili sauce.

Hagar

When we had to hand in a multi page essay/project I used to give in a few pages stapled together with little bits trapped under the staple as if there was more but it fell off. I even used to go as far as to leave sentences unfinished at the end of page so that it would look like the teacher lost the rest. Sad I know but it seemed quite clever at the time.

tbh

Hagar wrote:

When we had to hand in a multi page essay/project I used to give in a few pages stapled together with little bits trapped under the staple as if there was more but it fell off. I even used to go as far as to leave sentences unfinished at the end of page so that it would look like the teacher lost the rest. Sad I know but it seemed quite clever at the time.

if only you had used your powers for good instead of evil......:p

greglo23

my best one was to go to work but hyperventilate for the last 5 minutes before arriving. make sure the manager saw me looking as pale as a ghost and he'd send me home straight away worked a good few times.

Zebra3

Ok, not an excuse, but one day I'd to write an essay in school and it turned out the list we had to pick from, well my mates class had been given the same list a month beforehand.

I got his, copied it word for word and handed it in.

Got it back from the teacher (diff one to my mate's) and he complimented me on producing a totally different style of essay than normal. And I got 10% more than my mate had off his teacher for the exact same essay.

Goes to show how pointless the English exams are. What one examiner think is a great piece, the next could think is pure and utter shyte.