When its over?

LegacyUser

Just went unregged for this question...

After a spilt with the GF of 5 years, she still wants to remain friends, always be on the end of the phone, txt or email, go out for the odd drink.

Anyone think its better to cut that sorta stuff out and move on after being so close etc?

Beruthiel

Un Reg wrote:

Anyone think its better to cut that sorta stuff out and move on after being so close etc?

For me, I would have to totally cut them off for at least 6 months with no contact whatsoever before I could even think about being friends afterwards.
Unless you give your self time to move on I don't think you can get over them as quickly.

Ickle Magoo

Ditto here...if I am the dumpee then I have to cut off for a period of time to get my head together & move on, otherwise I find it nigh on impossible to get them out of my head long enough to find someone else or get back into the swing of singledom....if I did the dumping then it's much easier....best of luck

Static M.e.

Just explain it to her thats its tough for you having her so close and that you think you should avoid each other for a while, but you still want to be friends.

On the other hand would it hurt so much to still talk to her, it wont last she is probably just lonely and hasn't moved on yet.

I know from years ago when I broke up with an ex I found it really hard not to be always calling her, just out of habit I suppose. I knew we weren't getting back together (I broke it off) but I still wanted to talk to her a lot.

Eventually I went cold turkey and sorted myself out because I knew it wasn't good for my mental health but I always thought it was nice the way I wasn't given the flick.

Not judging you or anything, just an opinion

mz

Defo best to cut of contact for at least 6 months....I was in the same situation and we found it very hard to cut off all contact for the first few weeks but it was only making it harder cause where do you stop? So we cut off contact for 6 months and now it just the odd phone call maybe once a month or even less as we had both moved on with our lives.

I promise you it is for the best. Good luck

LegacyUser

Dunno about the 6 month rule, i mean 6 months means out of sight out of mind!
We tried to get things back, but i did'nt change enough so its now gone for ever. She felt like we were more friends than partners.

She's at the stage where she would be comfortable with seeing me with other people, where as vice-versa i would not.

I guess the contact with gradually fizzle out, so right now im just going through an adjustment phase.

mz

It's a different matter entirely if you still want to be with her - that makes things so much harder for you. If she has moved on and thinks she would be fine seeing you with other people then you have to accept that and walk away. Do you mind me asking what age you are?

I might sound harsh here but trust me I have been there...I still had feelings for my ex too and I found it very hard to let go and even just chatting to him every second day or whatever at the time made me so happy but then i found out he had a new girlfriend (a month later!) and my god I got over him fairly fast (hate is a great healer!)

You have to do what you feel is best for you at this time...if you think you need to see her or be in contact then do it but I would recommend you try to be strong and maybe even limit it to once a week - it is like a weening (spell?) process really. You will do other things and meet other people in the meantime and your life will move on.

Keep the chin up. It will get easier.

LegacyUser

Well thats it, its all well and good to be in contact until they tell you there off out with there new BF.

Its mainly email now, and she lives near me so there will be occasion where we cross paths.

I'll just have to be strong, buts its soo hard when i know i could have changed, but just not in time to save things.

fjon

I think you will probably fall "out of contact" naturally, or else get back together. It's very hard to stay friends with someone you've been so close to, and probably for a good reason. As you say, seeing her with a new BF is not going to be good for you.
It's going to happen anyway, you will fall out of touch, so why prolong it.
Once the meet ups feel more awkward than enjoyable I would call an end to them.

mariaalice

i broke up with my bf and we tried the friends thing didn't work for me so i stopped contacting him then 7 weeks later he contacted me by email with a very ambiguous message..so we meet up and turns out he is seeing someone couldn't explain why he wanted to see me...had a friendly chat and i didn't contact him aging then 3 weeks later he mails me its all off with the new woman so again we meet and have a chat very ambiguous end up havering a row but are now mailing but he wont tell me what he wants...so do you thing someone could not want you but still want you in there life or should i stop all contact i told him i am not interested in a meeting for coffee or for lunch as i don't see the point

shinners007

i think it is best to cut off all contact and try move on. my ex and i remained friends after or break up however he still thought we could get back together. unfortunately i didnt. we ended up falling out big time and it was worse than our intial break up. i believe being friends with an ex is weird as the past relationship comes up,thoughts,issues,emotions etc.. and it can be uncomfortable.

you say you definately lost her if so move on, dont try being friends and in your heart of hearts be hoping for a reconcilation. youll probably end up being more hurt then.

try dealing with it now to avoid further pain and hurt in the future.
best of luck either way mate.

Ickle Magoo

mariaalice wrote:

i broke up with my bf and we tried the friends thing didn't work for me so i stopped contacting him then 7 weeks later he contacted me by email with a very ambiguous message..so we meet up and turns out he is seeing someone couldn't explain why he wanted to see me...had a friendly chat and i didn't contact him aging then 3 weeks later he mails me its all off with the new woman so again we meet and have a chat very ambiguous end up havering a row but are now mailing but he wont tell me what he wants...so do you thing someone could not want you but still want you in there life or should i stop all contact i told him i am not interested in a meeting for coffee or for lunch as i don't see the point

Personally, I hate the whole yo-yo relationship thing & I stop contact....he won't tell you what he wants, are you going to be at his beck & call until he does? Do you really want to be with a man who can't say categorically that he wants to be with you? Do you want to be friends with a guy who contacts you with ambiguous e-mails & chats? Sounds far too cloudy & complicated for me...I like a boyfriend who knows that he fancies me & I like friends who know they don't, lol! Best of luck

Huggles

Beruthiel wrote:

For me, I would have to totally cut them off for at least 6 months with no contact whatsoever before I could even think about being friends afterwards.
Unless you give your self time to move on I don't think you can get over them as quickly.

I agree with the might B, sort your own head out first OP

idontknowmyname

Break contact for a good while, you need time to get over the break-up and rediscover your single self. Your confidence is probably low so you need to build it back up. Maybe when you do start speaking again, you'll have the strength to say enough is enough or really decide if you can stay platonic friends

paulac

I have a very unusual realtionship with all of my ex's! They are my closest friends now. None of my relationships ended badly, which is probably why we get on so well now, they just sort of fizzled out. I would be uncomfortable loving someone and having them in your life for a number of years, and then, one day, acting like strangers.

Even stranger, my current bf gets on with 2 out of my 3 ex's, and they all go out on the piss sometimes. I really like it this way, cos lets face it when you've been seeing someone for a few years, they know you very well. There's been no attempts to get back together once the relationship is definetly over, and any attempts now would be too weird cos they're like family!

Once I love someone, I'll always love them. Some people think its bizarre, but I have two lads that would do absolutely anything for me and I now they'll always be looking out for me! So I tend to see the end of relationships as sometimes the beginning of really rewarding friendships.

It really depends on personal circumstances, it was difficult for the first ex, but got easier cos bf's could see that it worked.

Your choice though, but it can be done!

seamus

That's like incest or somethign paulac! :eek:

OP, go with Ber's advice. When one person ends a happy enough relationship, there always seems to be a desire to "keep in touch", which is probably largely borne out of selfishness to prevent having to go cold turkey.

You're going to have to cut her out for 6 months, minimum. No contact, don't talk to her mates, don't ask anyone how she is. Go and live your life like she died yesterday and you will never see her again. If after six months you find yourself still hoping that the next time you see her she'll take you back, then tack on another six months.

LegacyUser

Seamus, you sound like you speak from hard expierience!

But your right, i dont think i could have an ex lingering in the background.
Its all well and good being friends if you can stand the fact that you will see them with there new BF!

I'll probably go Cold Turkey, and just get on with me life!


Thanks for the advice!