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Don't really have a title for this

  • 18-05-2006 3:45pm
    #1
    Raphael
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,880 ✭✭✭


    Green is the colour of nature, but also of envy
    Of plague, and of rot
    These are the greens that are in my hurt
    Hurting me with their pain

    Peace I can never feel
    Or love, or happiness
    Eternally I am hurting
    Torn apart by pain

    Red is passion, or blood
    Yellow is sunlight, or pus
    I see these as they flow down my arms
    Seeping from my body

    Forever we suffer, pain our companion
    Unending suffering our only friend
    Closed off to others, to love
    Kept to ourselves, to pain

    Ice forms in my heart
    Never reaching out to another
    Growing colder each day
    Sealed off from love

    Torment tears me apart inside
    Unending torture without reprieve
    Pain is all that is within
    I feel that I am dying slowly

    Death will be a relief


Comments

  • #2
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    hmmm good to see you contribute again raph but Im afraid it doesnt live up to your usual standards. Here is what I felt while reading it and forgive me becasue I do think this piece is derived from some very real feelings.

    It feels as though you are feeling so much that you feel there must be a way to get it down on paper creativley but even as you write it the feelings are not coming through, it feels forced and unsatisfying. It feels like something I went through not too long ago actually... I was feeling so much and yet at the same time nothing at all becasue of the hurt that I tried to get it down on paper but the feeling just wouldnt come through.

    Perhaps take this and come back to it later for a re-write?

    Or am I totally off base and you got across precisley what you meant to?

    Feel free to burst my bubble Raph, Id love to be wrong ;)


  • #3
    Raphael
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,880 ✭✭✭Raphael


    Read the first letter of each line Beat =)


  • #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Raphael wrote:
    Read the first letter of each line Beat =)

    Ingenious .. only thing to be said for it.


  • #5
    BEAT
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 5,945 ✭✭✭BEAT


    hahahaha Raph, you friggin' rock dude
    well done, that about sums it up ;)


  • #6
    Blush_01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,016 ✭✭✭Blush_01


    I officially <3 Raphael.


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  • #7
    Sarky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 31,967 ✭✭✭✭Sarky


    Have you looked for feedback on any goth sites yet?


  • #8
    Raphael
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,880 ✭✭✭Raphael


    I'm extremely tempted, that or gaia online.


  • #9
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Sarky wrote:
    Have you looked for feedback on any goth sites yet?

    Oh! Please! Do it! Do it!


  • #10
    Raphael
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,880 ✭✭✭Raphael


    It's on gaia. Someone want to link me to other places i could put it?

    http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?page=1&t=13816503#762613866


  • #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Goth.net

    Bizarely enough.


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  • #12
    funky penguin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,352 ✭✭✭funky penguin


    Genius.


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