more break up crap

LegacyUser

it's been almost a year since being dumped by who i thought was 'the one' and i dunno when i'm gonna stop being upset over it. we were together over three years, & yes i am still young, only 21, but i can't shake this feeling crap all the time. i'm not stupid and i know in my head that i probably will meet someone else when i'm ready for it, but i can't help feeling like i'll end up comparing everyone to him. we went through a lot of things together, and we were always there for each other and supported each other. i was always very honest and open with him to the point where i don't feel i can ever be that open with anyone else, because now i'm left feeling very empty. i have made a concerted effort to go out more since the breakup, and have made loads of new friends and met some great people, but when i'm by myself i still miss him. i still get lonely and still don't feel like i have a person i can tell everything to, because he was that person.

i don't really know what the point of me writing this is, as there are about ten million other threads on similar subjects. and i know everyone is different, but, do you ever really get over you first love, or is it all just a load of absolute crap? thanks.

gerrycollins

no matter how many threads there are your different to the rest of them

you will never get over your first real love but you have to see it as a part of life and using it to learn, not from the mistakes, but the experience of what it gave to you

you didnt say how ye broke up but if it was just a case of time and the relationship going nowhere well use that and realise that maybe he wasnt the "one"

they say that we all will have X amount of lovers(forget what the x amount is in this survey)but we will truly only love twice,the first for trial the second for life,stop comparing others to him this is most certainly not helpful,never looks at someones faults against another only their strengths

I think you are also missing that shoulder and pillar of strenght that he gave to you but you now must be strong for yourself,forget about that he used to be there,tell yourself your on your own now and must fight the deamons of worry personally,this will make you a stronger person

Simply put it takes time to put a certain level of trust on to someone like you had with him so dont worry about having a confidant for a while we at boards.ie are here for that until you feel ready to confide in a new lover or friend

Overall chin up head high and think of it a one of lives little learning curves

Spliffany692000

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but...but you NEVER get over your first love!!

lost_for_words

Spliffany692000 wrote:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but...but you NEVER get over your first love!!

That's a bit harsh don't you think?
I was with my ex for over four years when he broke up with me. At the time I was fairly consumed by how much it hurt and trying to understand what had changed and why we broke up. Two years later having rediscovered who I am and with a little bit of perspective its all crystal clear.
Although at times i still miss him, I can now think back on all the good times and not get upset about it.
I can safely say I am over him, he has a new girlfriend and it doesn't bother me, I'm delighted he's happy. I'll always care about him but that does not mean I'm not over him.
OP- I know exactly how you are feeling right now, but you are doing the right thing by meeting new friends and socialising etc. At some point without you even realising it the pain goes away. I kept a diary for the first time in my life during the break up, and now and again I'll look at it just to show myself how far I came, and also if it ever happened in the future to prove to myself that I can and will get past it, maybe you could try the same.

LegacyUser

lost_for_words wrote:

I was with my ex for over four years when he broke up with me. At the time I was fairly consumed by how much it hurt and trying to understand what had changed and why we broke up.

yep, that's pretty much where i am at the mo! I kept thinking for ages it was just something he'd change his mind about, but at this stage I know that's not gonna happen. I still feel like I haven't fully accepted it though.

EPO_MAN

Spliffany692000 wrote:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but...but you NEVER get over your first love!!

can't say I feel anything good or bad for her....

takola

You do get over your first love! Trust me. It just takes time!
Three years is a long time! And it's only natural that you are going to miss someone you've spent so much time with and who has supported you for such a long time. How long have ye been finished? I really wish i could say its takes 6 months and then you'll be over him and ready to move on. Unfortunately it doesn't work this way. You'll be over him when you're over him and ready to move on when you're ready. It's going to take time.
Keep your head up. You will get over him! I promise!

fuzzywiggle

Spliffany692000 wrote:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but...but you NEVER get over your first love!!

That is not true

lost_for_words

going anon wrote:

yep, that's pretty much where i am at the mo! I kept thinking for ages it was just something he'd change his mind about, but at this stage I know that's not gonna happen. I still feel like I haven't fully accepted it though.

I really feel where you are coming from with this, and if at the time someone kept telling me oh you'll get over it, time heals blah blah i would have wanted to rip the head off them. For the moment you just can't see past it but that is part of the process, you have to grieve for what you lost and at some point you will be ready to move on (I feel awful telling you what I didnt want to hear at the time, but its true).
You'll start to fill the emptiness at some point and realise that you can be by yourself and that you can make yourself happy. You should think about trying the diary because I know the patience of friends at some point wears thin and it can be a really therapeutic process.

Zebra3

You do get over your first love.

OP, you're on the right track already by going out and meeting lots of new people. Don't worry about finding another relationship. Take some time out, being single has huge benefits.

In time you will meet someone, but by the sounds of things you're gonna be fine.

Best of luck!!!

Miss Fluff

going anon wrote:

i have made a concerted effort to go out more since the breakup, and have made loads of new friends and met some great people, but when i'm by myself i still miss him.

I think it's really great that you are not sitting at home, singing "All By Myself" and chomping your way through packets of hobnobs between sobs.

The fact that you are getting out there, meeting lots of people and putting an effort in shows great strength of character and demonstrates that you DO want to get over him. The thing is, you mention that you really miss him when you are alone. Keeping as busy as possible is good and don't berate yourself for missing him either. It's perfectly natural. I came out of a six year relationship and eventhough it was me who waved dayday, it took a long time for me to get over actually missing him. Hey, 2 years later I still do on occasion. You can't just switch your feelings off and you wouldn't want to!!

I think you're taking really positive steps though. The lonliness and pain will go with time, just don't expect it to happen overnight. Good to be on your own for a while too. Plenty of people jump headlong into rebound things and get hurt all over again so this time by yourself to take stock is a good thing.

Good luck chick, and yes, you are still young, so enjoy yourself as much as you can. I hate to use the cliche, but plenty more fishies in the sea MF x