I still feel guilty

pepper

Ok this may be long so here it goes.

When I was 17 I started dating this bloke who was 24- He took me to my debs and we ended up dating.He was a LOVELY man-I fell madly in love with him.He said he loved me too and things were brill-Then on my 18th bday he took me aside and said "i cant lie to you anymore-I dont love you-I thought i did but i dont-but i am on the way to falling in love with you - im mad about u'

Needless to say I spent that night in tears!!!

After that I was never the same-I was still with him but I became very posessive and angry-He was very close to his best friend rose and i know she hated me.Anyway one night I was sending a text off his phone and she txt him and i hit it(by accident) and the message said"Is that **** staying with you tonight?I know ya would rater be out with me- love ya"I went MAD of course cos the message sounded SSSSOOOOOO bad (but it turns out she was at a bday party and thats what she ment by him rather being there)Anyway he called her in front of me and ATE her and told her just cos she didnt like me dont be calln me names to him etc.So i was pretty happy with that- or so i thought.I became really weird the next few weeks-calling him ALL THE TIME-getting mad if he didnt answer the phones and I basically made his life hell.

Then one night He was due to come down to a mates birthday but got caught to work-When i called him i heard music in the backround and knew he lied- so i went off with 3 guys that night to spite him-then i shoved it in his face and told him i hated him and to leave me alone.(It turns out his parents annivsery was on that night but he didnt say it to me cos he knew id go mad cos he promised to come down but had gotten the dates confused.)

Ok its been nearly 4 years and i STILL feel AWFUL for the way i treated him.I have written letters to him but I have not sent them- I am not the same person i was back then-I was so spoilt and childish-I have a wonderful partner now and I am so happy- but everyday i am haunted by what i did cos i ****ED up that mans head so much and i know he hates me for it- But i also know that hes such a nice person that he would forgive me.

I dont know weather to sent the letters and apoligise or just let him be.

And i know some of you are going to say im a horrible person and i deserve the guilt and i agree with you 100% on it cos i was rotten to him.

Sorry its so long!!!

LegacyUser

Just forget about it and move on. The more you linger on things like this the worse they become.

Just forget about it.

Esel

This may sound brutal, but he has probably forgotten about you - or at the very least he doesn't think about you every day. It's been four years. How do you know you fked his head up? Bridge, etc. Oh, and burn the letters too. It will be cathartic for you. Just don't do it when your current partner is around.

Anyone who says you are a horrible person is a horrible person, tbh.

LegacyUser

i would say that if u ended things without either of you intending to to be friends with each other then maybe let it go. if u say anything/send a letter or whatever, it'll just stir the whole thing up again. he'll probably just take it that you feel guilty now (soooo long after the event) and want him to forgive you so you can feel better about yourself in your new relationship (well, thats how it seems to me a little)...

although i have been in his situation before, and having been kind of ignored by my ex for 6 years, despite us having mutual friends, i can still say that i mostly was able to forgive and forget when they finally did appologise (of course i had some appologising to do too but who doesnt). but thats mostly because we share the same social circle. i;ve had other ex's try to send me emails appologising for **** treatment which i totally ignored and deleted without even reading, but these are ex's that have done much much worse than what u did to that guy.

but i do think that sending a letter to an ex (in this day and age) is a really weird thing, and i think everyone should avoid doing it. if i was you i'd try and get on with things without doing anything weird or embarrasing like writing a letter. and if your paths cross again try telling him in person instead, without making a huge big deal out of it. chances are hes totally gotten over it too, and realises that you were very young back then. and if he can't get past your teenage angst mistakes, well then, he shouldn't have been dating a teenager when he was 24.........

funk-you

I think it might be some form of closure you are after. There's a good chance he's moved on and a letter wouldn't really do anything for him. The past is the past and you just need to move on, he's probably not as obsessed with it as you are because you have a sense of guilt that he doesnt.

You seem like better person now for it and just need to put it behind you. If you do send the letter to at least let him know how you feel it is all for your benefit and i wouldn't expect anything from him.

You say you are a different person now, he probably is too. If you do send the letter be careful of the wording.

Try to put it behind you and enjoy the rest of your life.

-Funk

Zillah

Uh yeah, he was honest with you about his feelings, and you went psycho on him and screwed him up. Its pretty clear cut. I have little sympathy for you. Bugging him won't help anyone. If you really feel guilty then leave him alone and stop trying to involve him with your guilt. Just move on.

You say you've grown up? Then show it, don't force him to get involved again so you can feel less guilty. If you do want to apoligise, then maybe send a letter to do that. But for God's sake make sure the letter is an apology, not a horrible begging for forgiveness letter. You're sending it because you want to apoligise, not because you want to make yourself feel better at his expense, right?

pepper

Zillah wrote:

Uh yeah, he was honest with you about his feelings, and you went psycho on him and screwed him up. Its pretty clear cut. I have little sympathy for you. Bugging him won't help anyone. If you really feel guilty then leave him alone and stop trying to involve him with your guilt. Just move on.

You say you've grown up? Then show it, don't force him to get involved again so you can feel less guilty. If you do want to apoligise, then maybe send a letter to do that. But for God's sake make sure the letter is an apology, not a horrible begging for forgiveness letter. You're sending it because you want to apoligise, not because you want to make yourself feel better at his expense, right?

Thats what the letter was- it just apologised for all the ****- i did not ask him to forgive me- i didnt ask to be friends etc- nothing like that.The thing was after our relationship he tried many times to be my friend - he wrote to me he texted me and i just ignored him and at times told him to piss off.He went out of his way to build something from the bad relationship and All im trying to do is say sorry for it.And im not forcing him to get involved-there is no contact info on the letter or anything- he has no idea where i live now so theres no involvement on his part.Im not going to send the letter-I did what some clousure but Listening to this it seems its probley unnecessery.

shinners007

dont send a letter.

leave the past in the past. ur a better person today than u were then u no and im sure ur partner does also. everyone makes mistakes.

dont bring it all up again he may have forgot about it or dealt with it as it happened so long ago.

focus on ur relationship and who u are now.

live in the present dont dwell on the past.

goodluck.

ps; u aint horrible.:)

*Super*Star*

I kinda know what you mean. A few years ago I went on a 2 year partying spree. I was out 5 nights out of 7 and was living the student life to the max.
I had just finished school and I guess I just went wild when I realised college didn't have the same strict rules and regulations as school did.
Anyway, without going into too much detail I often got completely hammered and did things, that although they weren't major (snogging a few blokes and puking publically, that kinda thing), I am kind of ashamed of.
It still bugs me that the people I knew then will only ever have THAT impression of me. That they will only ever think of me as a crazy piss head, as someone who shouldn't be taken seriously, and so on.
I have changed now, but they don't know that.
Don't ask me why I care, I can't make sense of it, but I can get where your coming from.
Its almost like you wanna say "hey, look at me, I am good now, honestly, ask anyone"

Freedomfighter

Forget it as im sure he has. Jesus Mary and the carpenter its been four years. I had a G/F go crazy on me and its been a few years and i look back now and laugh. Im sure he is too.
Move on.

Sarky

Have you considered selling your experience as plot-fodder for Coronation Street?

If it's really bugging you that much, apologise. Don't expect forgiveness, or even a response. Like you said yourself, I don't think you really deserve one.

Nevyn

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Thaedydal