Untitled, opinions welcome

Outcast

I wrote this a few weeks ago, I can never really judge my own work so C&C welcome.
Thanks

"And the grass was never greener than it was that Friday afternoon
Luminous in its sun soaked vibrancy
Against it our blouses were a brilliant white, ties slung loosely about our necks
Soft cushions under our heavy heads, the jumpers were far too warm for summer.
I felt that grass bristling softly against my face
As we lay strewn on the ground
Our bodies forming an abstract circle
The breeze casting tendrils of hair across our faces.
It was the present, so tangible in the warm air
Our words and laughter and the barely tenable quavers in our voices
As we replayed old acts, looked back at years
Tried to peek behind the curtain at new scenes and characters still awaiting their cues.
It was the end
A finish line stretched to eternity
And the wispy images of time gone by could not finish the race
It was the beginning
An entire cast stood in the wings
Warming up, ready to step out under the lights
We had to squint to see them
For the past was hazy, rose tinted
And we were blinding by the bright lights of the future
So with wide eyes we looked at the moment surrounding us, flawless and clear
Picture perfect life in a bubble.
Time didn’t stop
It lazed along, a smooth brown river at middle tide
Unnoticed our watches ticked away the minutes
Yet the moment was different, time had changed
As though, in the midst of all its strands, grays, blacks, whites and navies
There was a dash of green, of the greenest grass."

aliqueenb

is this something got to do with leaving school??? (i hope it is or else it doesnt do what it says it does or am i just dense??!..) anyways if so its good it really makes the reader see what you see and sets the scene(wow i sound good!!)
now leave a comment on mine be critical yea! k bye....

BEAT

Very well written, wonderful imagery. Please do share more of your work...
Do you plan on doing anything more with this piece?

Outcast

Thanks. I'm not sure if I'll do more. I have a feeling that I could but I can't really see what it needs. Do you have any suggestions?

I'll read the poem soon, but i just wanted to say that aliqueenb should really stop asking for comments on their own work on other peoples threads. Anyways, I'll edit this when I read it

Yeah, I liked it. Its a very good and well written poem

BEAT

Outcast wrote:

Thanks. I'm not sure if I'll do more. I have a feeling that I could but I can't really see what it needs. Do you have any suggestions?

no I meant as far as publishing goes. It is good as it is imo. Are you working on a book or was this purely for self fullfillment?

Outcast

Oh, sorrry. To be honest I started it when I was bored in detention:rolleyes: I don't think it's really good enough to go any further...