Just split from long term g/f. need advice

LegacyUser

hi all, long time poster, prefer to go unregged for this. i'm 26 and have just broken up with my girlfriend of ten years. she was my first and only proper girlfriend.

for the past year or so everything in the relationship had become overly habitual and somewhat stale, be it sex, conversation whatever. for the last 6 months of the relationship i was looking for a way out, but couldn't find a way to end it in spite of being really unhappy.

instead, i took out my frustration on her, treating her like sh*t half the time and attempting to avoid her at other times. eventually she got fed up with everything and ended the relationship.

we met up a few times after that and inadvertently had really good sex, never fought and i was genuinely happy to see her. it was like when we first met all those years ago.

i thought long and hard about everything in the relationship and realised all the bad things i'd put her through and the reasons behind me doing it. these ranged from fear, to uncertainty, insecurity and various other things.

when we went out i took everything for granted as it was routine. now we've broken up and i've thought about it, i realise how special she is and that she is my world. i dont want to be with anyone else.

we met up again last week and i poured my heart out to her, but she's done with the relationship. we broke up 5 years ago and went through a siimilar experience before getting back together. this time i know in my heart that its definitely over.

i feel totally lost and depressed. i know inside me that we're right together and dont want to let go because i really feel it'll be a mistake and that i'll regret it and have too many what might have been thoughts for the rest of my life.

btw we're split up about 4 months now, but still talk, get on etc. There's no anger or bitterness between us.

what should I do?

Fraggle

Give it time. If you are two are really meant for eachother it will come together for you. What's for you won't pass you by. I don't think that spilling your heart out to her continually is going to help matters. You have said your piece. She knows how you feel. Let her mull it over. All you can do now is try to forge a new beginning for yourself, get to know yourself all over again and do the things you enjoy on your own.Its very difficult to keep a relationship going for that length of time and to have it run smoothly.This was destined to happen. Every relationship needs a shake up every once in a while.Whether you can reunite or not is in the hands of fate but don't lose hope.If you are lucky enough to reunite( 3rd time lucky) don't ever take her for granted again.

DubNside

And sure you both are probably very much different people from when you were both teenagers, and have just drifted apart.

On the positive side your still quite young. My advice? Move on, meet new people and you'll feel a whole lot better

OrangeOranges

i know inside me that we're right together

Wrong! Inside yourself "you" personally believe she is right for you.

The distinction is necessary because it looks like the chick is finished with you. Again I've said a million times on here but how is it possible for a person to leave a long-term/serious relationship behind by being in each other's face the whole time ("close friends")?

IMO its messy and unnecessary. If ye dislike each other enough not to date why is friendship necesassry(even desirable?).

IMO its 100% necessary to have a period of zero contact. 6 months or a year. If ye drift back into each others social circles after that then so be it.

By the way its only been 4 months. Give yourself some time. If ye do ever end up back together in the future you'd be surprised the benefit of having spent some time in isolation from each other.

Also your playing this whole thing comletely wrong if you ask me. Get over yourself and be a man about it. Its hard its tough but handle it.
No women likes a soppy whiny bloke. Fair enough be straight and honest but without the drama of blobbering all over her.

You've told her how you feel. Now leave it. Never ever mention it again.

Be a bas*tard if necessary!! Blank her and watch her come looking for you.(if she doesnt , what would you want with a relationship you're more interested in than her anyways?)

Run to her sobbing, wailing and moaning in her front lawn, professing your love and conviction to change and worship her more etc etc etc etc ..........................watch her smile and be friendly while she sets up shop with another dude and slowly erases you from her life.

LegacyUser

OrangeOranges wrote:

Wrong! Inside yourself "you" personally believe she is right for you.

Yes. Inside me. She has always thought the same way too, as have all our friends.

OrangeOranges wrote:

The distinction is necessary because it looks like the chick is finished with you.

A few weeks ago we met up in town for a coffee. We chatted for ages about us. Before she left, we kissed and then she cried as we said goodbye. How is that leaving me behind? I know from her touch and her kiss that day that her feelings for me hadn't changed. Perhaps she's afraid that my words were more from a person who didnt want to lose something, rather than being genuine. Over the course of the past year i'd said quite alot of things and never acted on them...

OrangeOranges wrote:

Again I've said a million times on here but how is it possible for a person to leave a long-term/serious relationship behind by being in each other's face the whole time ("close friends")?IMO its messy and unnecessary. If ye dislike each other enough not to date why is friendship necesassry(even desirable?).

Because I love her and have been with her for 10 years. We were friends long before then as well. Why would I want to cut my best friend and soulmate out of my life? If we split up for good, so be it, but i'll always love her. There's no need to cut her out of my life.

OrangeOranges wrote:

IMO its 100% necessary to have a period of zero contact. 6 months or a year. If ye drift back into each others social circles after that then so be it.

That's just stupid. if you truly love someone then that love will exist regardless of whetehr you're together or not. It's not like you can never see them again because it's too difficult. That's just possessiveness and selfishness (both of which I'm tryin to let get go of at present!)

OrangeOranges wrote:

By the way its only been 4 months. Give yourself some time. If ye do ever end up back together in the future you'd be surprised the benefit of having spent some time in isolation from each other.

I realise that. 10 years of living in someones pocket (been living together for 7 years) is difficult. I only became aware of my true feelings when i actually stepped outside of the bubble.

OrangeOranges wrote:

Also your playing this whole thing comletely wrong if you ask me. Get over yourself and be a man about it. Its hard its tough but handle it.

Newsflash. Men have emotions too. Displaying emotion or feelings doesn't mysteriously make someone less of a man. To even suggest something like that demonstrates a total lack of intelligence.

OrangeOranges wrote:

No women likes a soppy whiny bloke. Fair enough be straight and honest but without the drama of blobbering all over her.

That's very true.

OrangeOranges wrote:

You've told her how you feel. Now leave it. Never ever mention it again.

Agreed.

OrangeOranges wrote:

Be a bas*tard if necessary!! Blank her and watch her come looking for you.(if she doesnt , what would you want with a relationship you're more interested in than her anyways?)

Sorry that's not my style and i'm not going to treat someone I've loved for most of my life like that.

OrangeOranges wrote:

Run to her sobbing, wailing and moaning in her front lawn, professing your love and conviction to change and worship her more etc etc etc etc ..........................watch her smile and be friendly while she sets up shop with another dude and slowly erases you from her life.

Again I agree with you on that.

Miss Fluff

OrangeOranges wrote:

Wrong! Inside yourself "you" personally believe she is right for you.

The distinction is necessary because it looks like the chick is finished with you. Again I've said a million times on here but how is it possible for a person to leave a long-term/serious relationship behind by being in each other's face the whole time ("close friends")?

IMO its messy and unnecessary. If ye dislike each other enough not to date why is friendship necesassry(even desirable?).

IMO its 100% necessary to have a period of zero contact. 6 months or a year. If ye drift back into each others social circles after that then so be it.

Was going to post just that OrangeOranges and you have saved me the trouble!

If you guys are no longer with each other who exactly is benfiting from meeting up? As for having sex with her, it just instills false hope and won't do either of you any favours. Cut her out of your life for a while so that you can have the space to make the right call on this.

Wing Walker

Sorry Lostboy but it sounds as if the game is up. She's moved on and you will too in time I expect. The one consolation is that you both appear to still be friends but I think that Orange sums things up the best in his/her post.

Plenty more fish in the sea as they say.

LegacyUser

Oranges post is ridiculous. He says if you dislike each other enough not to date.

1. We dont dislike each other
2. She has openly stated on numerous occaions that she still loves me
3. The reason for us breaking up is mainly down to me being an arsehole as a result of fearing that the relationship with her was going to be my only such experience in life. Hence, I lost interest and deliberately drove her away until we split and then realised the stupidity of my ways. Had I not acted like this in the final 6 months of our relationship, we would never have reached this point as we had 9 years of sheer bliss together!

OrangeOranges

Speaking as a person out of a 6year living together relationship, 24 hours a day, soulmates, bla bla "love you forever", "couldnt imagine not being with you..." chats etc etc etc
I think you're being slightly naive here.

The way you describe this situation you'd swear your ex girlfriend doesnt have a mind of her own. All events are down to you, all actions arise from what you did or did not want.

Do you honestly believe that. And if so, why aren't ye back together after your fantastic moment of realisation and subsequent revelations?

Try this one on for a moment. What if she'd not "afraid" that you haven't changed. What if after 10 years she know's you better than you know yourself? What if she's actually decided while it was nice while it lasted she doesn't want to be with you. You dont make her happy ie she doesnt love you anymore.

What can I say about what is actually happening here. But there are parallels in every break-up and this one looks a classic.

Fair enough ye might get back together at some stage but I can guarantee its because she has changed her own personal expectations of what costitutes a happy relationship or has decided that if she works harder she could be happy with you.

Proabably has nothing do do with every romance movie line you quote to her between now and then..

Yes. Inside me. She has always thought the same way too, as have all our friends

Of course she did. 10 years man. Of course she loved you and at some stage believed ye where right together. But things change. Thats life.

(as for what your mates think, big big mistake to take your mates opinions on your suitability for each other. What the hell can they tell you that hasnt been learned from personal experience of 10years?)

We chatted for ages about us. Before she left, we kissed and then she cried as we said goodbye. How is that leaving me behind?

Been there, done that, so has every person on planet earth out of a serious relationship by the way. Actually that sounds and looks exactly like "leaving behind" if you ask me.

Perhaps she's afraid that my words were more from a person who didnt want to lose something, rather than being genuine.

Jaysis man you gotta give this girl some credit for her own decisions. two points here:
1. 10 years man if pretty good time to consititute what your about as a person. Whatever changes you could possible make to bring her back will fade in one years time.
2. She has decided she doesnt want to be with you (just as you might have decided similar) The point is this is a two way thing. What changes you make and stuff you say may have very little impact on whether she wants to be with you.

Why would I want to cut my best friend and soulmate out of my life? If we split up for good, so be it, but i'll always love her. There's no need to cut her out of my life

Sín é the way it goes mate. Are you going to live the rest of your life ...............she gets married to someone else...........has kids ............moves job.........etc etc IF the relationship is finito , then so is the friendship.
Might take you a lot of anger, rejection , hurt etc etc to eventually realise this. Im hoping to save you the time.

Put it this way. If I happened to meet your girlfriend and start a new relationshp with her. Do you honestly think I would put up with you in her life? And = not a chance.

Its called moving on.

if you truly love someone then that love will exist regardless of whetehr you're together or not.

Well its gonna have to isnt it. Ive a lot of love for my ex-girlfriend. In fact I wont hear a bad word said about her. But I certainly dont want to be hearing about whatever dude is plugging her presently...............her loves and losses from now on. How the hell is that meant to make my life better?

It's not like you can never see them again because it's too difficult. That's just possessiveness and selfishness (both of which I'm tryin to let get go of at present!)

Your gonna have to explain how not seeing someone is possessive. Also yes it is difficult. Like a death in the family some say.

Men have emotions too. Displaying emotion or feelings doesn't mysteriously make someone less of a man.

less of a man = no
less attractive of a man = yes

To even suggest something like that demonstrates a total lack of intelligence.

Ask a woman so.
Men or women it doesnt matter. Everyone likes someone in touch with their feelings and emotions but also in control of them.

Sorry that's not my style and i'm not going to treat someone I've loved for most of my life like that.

You'll soon find out whether she wants to be with you or not .
Anyways wouldn't you want to discover whether or not she can survive without you in her life? How the hell is she meant to really get an understanding for what she wants?

Again man. I swear to you. If you contact her and keep blabbering you love..........its gonna become very one-sided over time until your erased.

Hence, I lost interest and deliberately drove her away until we split and then realised the stupidity of my ways. Had I not acted like this in the final 6 months of our relationship, we would never have reached this point as we had 9 years of sheer bliss together!

Might be not a bad idea to ask her why SHEdoesnt want to be with you.
I promise she will quote whatever sounds like will least hurt you but if you get her genuine feelings from her you'll be the first bloke since history began.

My advice; Try the silence thing !!!You'll soon know.

LegacyUser

she's probably feeling the same way about you. she just doesn't want to get back with you if it's all going to happen again. she probably wants to stay with you but feels like she has to move on

mz

I'm so sorry to say it Lostboy but you have to walk away. I have been there (6 years living together) and it is so so hard to walk away. People gave me all the advice the others are giving you here and I didn't want to hear it either but trust me...walk away with your dignity intact (you be glad when you look back). Surround yourself with people who love you and get out and meet new people - it really will help. Have a holiday just to get a break from it all and clear your head.

I'm sorry you have to go through this - it's a painful thing but it will get better. Major cliche = time is a great healer.

If it's meant to be it will be.

Good luck and keep the chin up.

Tim06

i'm sorry but oranges post is spot on. you've got to move on. going back blabbering to her that you love her etc isn't going to work. You say that you know that shes right for you? How?? you said thats your only girlfriend? You do need to move on, hard that it sounds.

BigCon

If you're as sure as you say you are, take her completely by suprise and propose to her.
At least she'll know how serious you are and you'll get an answer one way or another. If she says no and is not willing to give it another go, then just let it be and get on with things...

Drummerboy2

Did it cross your mind that she wants a committment from you: ie ask her to marry you.

Chinafoot

Drummerboy2 wrote:

Did it cross your mind that she wants a committment from you: ie ask her to marry you.

Have to say, this did pop into my head too. Maybe she won't get back together because she feels that the relationship isn't actually going anywhere?

I know you're still quite young but 10 years is a long time and tbh, if it was me I would expect to be engaged at that stage.

Maybe its not the case at all, but perhaps you should consider it.

Like BigCon says, if she still refuses to give it another go after you discuss it/propose/whatever you want to do, well then you'll know and you'll be able to move on.

Hope it works out for you.