I hurt him so much

LegacyUser

My Hubby and I split up after 24 Yrs , I think he is a wonderful man and a fantastic Dad but I stopped loving along time ago, So came to a head last year and I told him I no longer love him. I wish I did but the feelings have gone no one else involved during that time. I do have a friend now who I met 6 months after finishing with Husband.We have 4 kids all independent from us and we both live in our own house. Husband remained in family home which he deserved and I moved into a house we used for renting out , problem is my husband was so close to my family like another son to my parents and brother to my siblings,I hoped this would continue but he has cut all ties with them, My younger brother who worshipped him is getting married and my ex was meant to be best man, but throught our kids he says he is sorry but cant bring himself to be anywhere near me.I would not bring my new man to wedding and he understands. My husband has not spoken to me in over a year even thought we where both at our granddauther's communion in April. He will be there for our kids and grandkids but it is like he has forgotten I exsist.Our Kids are doing their best to stay out of the way they say it is best they dont get involved. I can understand how much I have hurt him but I still love him he gave me my beautiful babies and a great life, but I dont love him anymore. Is there a way to be friends with him I thought after a few months he would be ok. He will not now speak my name and our kids cant either in front of him. I just feel like hugging him when I see him and tell him how sorry I am again.I have said it a million times to him already.

Seraphina

honestly, i dont know much about marriage, but my first thought is that 24 years it'll take alot more than a few months to get over it

Blub2k4

It sounds like you broke his heart, I know you cant help the way you feel, but he cant either.

Sorry I cant help much, obviously things dont get like this overnight, 24 years is a long time.

It looks like an "empty nest" problem to me.

Get over him it was your call, he has now made his, I understand it is probably the only way he can survive and survival instinct is strong, stronger than your love for him in this case it would appear.

<edit> why call your new partner a "friend", I find this dodging the issue there quite strange? (aside)

Beruthiel

Really upset wrote:

My Hubby and I split up after 24 Yrs

I'm sorry to hear this, it's a long time to be together

but I stopped loving along time ago

people change, it happens to lots of people

So came to a head last year and I told him I no longer love him.

I'm betting that you ran this through your mind for years before actually voicing it, you thought long and hard about it, eventually you came to the conclusion that your feelings for him had changed and there was no getting them back.
You've had a long time to get your head around this, your ex has not had the same amount of time, it's probably still a shock to him.
I thought I could remain friends with my ex, but it was not to be. It's been over 10 years now and we can be civil when we run into each other, but I believe it just wasn't in him to be friends. Thats fair enough, we both have moved on with our lives.

Perhaps in time your ex hubby will come around, but you cannot push it and you cannot expect it. It probably hurts him too much to see you with someone else. That's understandable after such a long marriage.
You cannot think that he can just accept all these changes like you have. Everyone is different when it comes to this.
Give him time, but don't expect something he may never be able to do.

but he has cut all ties with them,

It's probably his way of getting over you, hanging out with your family hurts to much right now.

Our Kids are doing their best to stay out of the way they say it is best they dont get involved.

They are absolutey correct on this, they love you both, getting involved means taking sides and they cannot be seen to do this. Fair play to them.

I just feel like hugging him when I see him and tell him how sorry I am again.I have said it a million times to him already.

Breakups like this are never easy, your heart goes out to him seeing the pain he feels, but I really do not think you can do anything for him.
He must work this out himself in his own time, if he can.
We all have to live with the consequences of our own actions, know that you have only one life to live, that it must be as happy as you can make it, that in order for happiness you had to move on and that there is no point in that dead emotion regret.
best of luck
anna

Kinetic^

Same thing happened with my Aunt, it just takes time. She talks to him and still has the ex over for Xmas dinner and stuff like that but it just didn't happen over night.

TIME!!!!

Owen

If he is hurt, then trying to re-concile might hurt him further. He sounds a little like me, whenever I've encountered a bad breakup, I just sever communication, it's easier to keep a wall up. I honestly couldn't be friends with someone I was in love with, and subsequently broke up with. It would kill me to see them with someone else, and I'm sure your ex feels the same way.

Leave the ball in his court. As a previous poster stated, you've made your position regarding your relationship clear, ie : the breakup, and he's entitled to do the same, even if it does hurt you.

A great site for queries like this would be worldweary.com, Quentin Fotrell gives some sound advice on situations like this, it'd be no harm to trawl through the archives and see if someone else has had to go through what you're going through - and see the advice Quentin gave, or better yet, ask him yourself for advice.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry you're hurt, and more sorry for your kids. I hope the situation improves in the future.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think you are being a little unfair....if not a bit selfish....

I understand feelings change, I know people fall out of love, etc, etc & I think you did absolutely the right thing to tell him & I think you are doing the right thing to move on with your life & find happiness.....BUT.....expecting your ex-husband to lie down & accept what you decided was best for you without comment & then to moan that he should attend YOUR families weddings, etc & carry out any duties previously agreed....it's a bit much IMO!

You were married for 24yrs - that is a huge chunk out of anybody's life.....he is entitled to grieve your relationship any way he sees fit...if it helps him to move on by ignoring you & cutting ties with your friends & family then that is what he should be doing.....what did you expect him to do? Sign the divorce papers, shake your hand & act like nothing happened, attending his in-laws functions & being all pally with you? Surely not!

Blub2k4

Ickle Magoo wrote:

I understand feelings change, I know people fall out of love, etc, etc & I think you did absolutely the right thing to tell him & I think you are doing the right thing to move on with your life & find happiness.....BUT.....expecting your ex-husband to lie down & accept what you decided was best for you without comment & then to moan that he should attend YOUR families weddings, etc & carry out any duties previously agreed....it's a bit much IMO!

I agree, you cant have your cake and eat it.

Wing Walker

Yep, you can't turn emotions and feelings off, especially after nearly two and a half decades. You have to give him time and space. Perhaps a year isn't enough. The end of a marriage they say is just like the death of someone close to you, especially when you still love somebody!

LegacyUser

Quite simply you are completely self centred. U have broken this man's heart and expect him to act all normal around you. U should leave him alone to get on with his life in order to forget about you.
What is it with women expecting to remain friends after they finish a relationship. After completely breaking someone's heart ye expect to remain in contact with your ex's giving them false hopes and never letting them move on with their lives.
I have read your post and am completely amazed at your complete ignorance and total lack of respect for your ex husband. I sincerely hope that he finds someone that appreciates and respects him and that the hurt you have caused does not prevent him from entering another relationship where true happiness may await him.

OrangeOranges

After 24 years you ruin his life as he knows it............then find yourself a new "friend".

And you actually still want your husband to be your plutonic friend!!!!!!!!!Jaysis lady what do you expect? Are you looking for the benefits of the friendship part of your ex-relationship too!!

In fairness all you can expect is some form of civility from now on and thats when it comes to discussing essential things like kids etc .....

You made the call to end things and this is the consequences

gsand

I agree with the cake sentiment.

It's probably easiest for him to get over it all by excommunicating you. Perfectly understandable imo. Leave him be, he'll either sort himself out and decide he wants to speak to you at some point or he won't. You made your choice, let him make his.

Talliesin

He needs to get over it in his own way. As long as he doesn't do anything malicious it's none of your business how he does so.

chump

Talliesin wrote:

He needs to get over it in his own way. As long as he doesn't do anything malicious it's none of your business how he does so.

Agree completely.

TwistsAndTurns

You talk of your family and friend, yet no mention of your husbands family. I hope to God that he has some family or good friend that he can talk to and share all his grief with and help keep his mind in a rational state of mind, because trust me this is eating him from the inside out.

I just feel like hugging him when I see him and tell him how sorry I am again.I have said it a million times to him already.

Must be a nice feeling to tear somebody`s heart and tell them that your sorry!

EmoKid

Leave him to it. I suspect you're trying to make yourself feel better.

lostexpectation

well althought you kids are grown up and independent they are still the thing you have most in common, and grandkids now too, I can't believe he wouldn't talk to you at the baptism, you should take these times as opportunity to talk with him and he really should make the effort too for his own family.:mad:

Blub2k4

lostexpectation wrote:

I can't believe he wouldn't talk to you at the baptism, you should take these times as opportunity to talk with him and he really should make the effort too for his own family.:mad:

Would that be any more or any less than her ex-husband cant believe that she felt like this and wanted to end their relationship of 24 years?

He has no further obligation to this woman, none, she made it clear she wanted to end a relationship. I think Beruthiel may have the womans side from the point of view of she had long enough to digest it before she presented the idea to him, she had already found her peace with the idea. He should at least get the same amount of time to come to terms with it, if he never does then so be it, it's his prerogative, but the call was not his originally, he is protecting himself from further hurt. It wouldn't be too nice if he were to break down in tears in front of a baptismal party because he cant be near the woman who broke his heart, now would it?

Ickle Magoo

lostexpectation wrote:

I can't believe he wouldn't talk to you at the baptism, you should take these times as opportunity to talk with him and he really should make the effort too for his own family.:mad:

Why do you find that hard to believe?! I can't believe you expect him to so easily forgive & forget what his wife has done & merrily chatter away to her - regardless of the social situation!! From the OP's post I read that the man communicates with his children & grandchildren he just wants nothing to do with her - can you blame him?! There are lots of people who have healthy relationships with their children without ever interacting with their ex-partner.....the OP said their marriage ended last yr - not sure whether means Jan 05 or Dec 05 - but it still isn't a long time to get over what must have come as a horrible shock that left him hurt, angry and confused....perhaps the OP is the one who should be "making the effort"....to give her ex-husband time & space to come to terms with things?! If my husband ups & leaves me after 24yrs of marriage, a bit of time to get used to the new life I have been given is the least I would expect...without any bitching about what I should or shouldn't be doing to make my ex-husbands life easier!! :mad:

Ay Cee

I think the self centered comment is a little harsh. The lady wasn't happy it appears that now she is. I'm sure she still has feelings for her ex husband, ye can't not have after that amount of time. Hence wanting to be on a friendly basis.

You hurt your husband, you acknowledge that. Unfortunately no amount of sorries is gonna chage that for him though.

My only advise is try to be happy in your new life and accept that if your ex does come around it will take a long long time, if ever. You know not to rub it in his face. All you can do is hope I'm afraid

Zombrex

Really upset wrote:

I just feel like hugging him when I see him and tell him how sorry I am again.I have said it a million times to him already.

Why?

If he is happier this way, and if you truely want him to be happy, just let him be. You don't know that he is miserable, he might be getting over this a lot quicker because he has cut all ties with you. It is one of the more sensible ways over getting over a break up.

The only thing I would be a bit worried about (and I know you didn't ask for advicce on this issue) is that he is fu*king up your kids, by refusing to even allow them to acknowledge you exist around him. I'm hoping your kids are old (late teens, young adults) so it won't have that much effect on them. But still you might want to have a word with your kids about that.

LegacyUser

(sorry if it's cheeky, but.. only a complete non-qualified eejit like me, could be so blunt)

So Let me guess.

It's obvious that you still love him, but something happened to your relationship years ago to make it wither slowly. You no longer associate romantic/erotic love with him, so, you'd need to analyse that.

I recommend you check out the lecture on relationships in Personal Power 2, by Anthony Robbins, - also 'anchors' in that same course or the techniques of 'removing anchors' in NLP.

Your call your new lover a 'friend' because you don't love him. He's probably either a sexual attraction thing, or a shoulder to cry on. You are seeking validity, and he will give you approval, no problems. I bet you have long chats with him about your husband, and he sympathises greatly.

As far as I've read and seen, my guess is that women usually leave a relationship out of some of the following:
1. sexual boredom / lack of intimacy
2. One partner becomes dominant
3. Too much time apart - career, etc.
4. Other reasons: childhood abuse

My guess is that your husband is a really great guy, who is way beyond control of his feelings. - How did he get that way? Was the marriage way out of balance for years? (i.e. You strong, him weak?) Did you guys support each other? - Analyse what made you the strong partner. Then, think about the support you got, that made you strong... think.

Did you commit wholeheartedly to him at the start? did something come between you? did he do something wrong to you, and you went cold.. or.. you always needed more in life.. or something like that? Or... is it that you just followed the whirlwind feeling when someone else paid attention to you?
Did he give you too much attention? If so, did you get spoiled by that, and quit reciprocating? So he gave more? and so on...

In other words, there are reasons. You miss his love, and there's real love inside you for your husband, which has been dulled out by years of.. - whatever it was. That 'dulling' could have happened for some simple reasons.

Truth is, you could maybe rescue your relationship, if you tackle these issues. There's an old Irish proverb that says "a person's heart is in their feet". - So, don't confuse your sympathy for him as the reality. You're not at home anymore. The reality is, you're off with someone else, doing sexual things with someone you call 'a friend'. If you were true friends with him, you'd be back home watching telly.

So, my guess is that you feel conflicted, and terribly guilty and you probably don't see your full identity with the new guy. In fact, you're most likely not committed to him either. In fact, he's probably married anyway, I'm guessing.

Is it a sexual thing..? because you've sacrificed your home, and some part of your mind is saying "I don't deserve to live there". People usually only do that when some strong passion sweeps them away.

Dont get me wrong. You sound like a great person too, but you have some things to fix. -I mean, you're not happy at the moment, right? If it were me, I'd try to fix things on my own first, on the basis that you don't seem to be in alignment with yourself. You seem to be experiencing pleasure in freedom, but not happiness in freedom. Be careful of that.

I'm interested in NLP stuff, read a few books, etc, but am certainly not a practitioner or promoter of this in any way. I don't agree with all their stuff, or their approaches, but some things are handy. Like, NLP has a technique called "collapsing negative anchors" which (in theory) could help you remove the emotional wall between yourself and your husband, and give you back all the joy and excitement.

I've used these techniques for removing my aversion to various things. I've had experience of broken relationships too, and been dumped tons. Oh God. I'm unfortunately eminently qualified by experience in the area of being dumped. In hindsight, I can see how many of those breakups could have been avoided.

It's most likely though he probably will continue sever all contact. You still don't want to go back. The only hope is if you 'want to want' to repair it, then do something drastic. (finish with your friend first)

Otherwise, don't cause him any more pain, because you are in danger of using your family to do apparently innocent things, but the ultimate effect is that it will be coercive on him, and therefore abusive and manipulative.

Your mind and feelings are all mixed up, and you're finding it hard that he is closing the door on you, even though you instigated. You need to be careful not to get angry with him, or force him to do things, through other people.

Hope that gives you another angle on it,

Em

Asiaprod

I can understand how much I have hurt him but I still love him he gave me my beautiful babies and a great life, but I dont love him anymore.

This just went over my head, you still love him, you don't love him any more!

More interesting, you say you do have a friend now who you met 6 months after finishing with your Husband. So you have someone new already, you are very lucky.
However, how would you feel right now if you did not have some one new? Does your ex have someone new?
How will you feel if you find out he has also someone new?

This post is not a condemnation of the OP, it is great that she can start a new life. I really am interested to hear her views on these issues.

Spliffany692000

Wat do u expect??? u broke the mans heart!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the views read throught them all many times,I do not expect him to want to be the best of friends or anything like the sort,just wanted to be able to say hi if I met him and ask how are you doing, after all the years we where together. Our kids are between 20 and 26 and all living on their own accept our youngest who lives with both of us ,ie she floats between the 2 houses but mainy lives with her father ,I can honestly say if there was something I could take to make me have the same feelings I used to have for him I would . I do not want people to feel sorry for me just to try and help me find some way of having communcation with him. I do still love him but I am not in love with him if that makes any sence.Our kids are all fine and deal with it and they do not blame me . they know that people fall out of love.I know he is hurting but all I can say is sorry I wish I did not feel this way. I have pictures af our wedding hanging up in my house and others of us together which I love looking at. He I know has taking every picture we had up in our home down and put in the attic, this I find sad. I just hope one day he will say hello. maybe some of you are right I deserve what I get.

Ickle Magoo

I'd say time heals most hurts and given enough time & space to deal with his, your ex may (hopefully) be able to have the relationship you want with him....until he's ready - I'd just leave him in peace to come to terms with what has happened.....if the boot were on the other foot, would you want to be his friend? Or even civil?

I think at the moment you are coming from different places....you think after the all years you spent together he should still want to be a part of your life and he's thinking after all the years you spent together you shouldn't have walked out and so why should he now want to be a part of your life?.....

It takes quite a while to get over a long-term partner who suddenly ups & leaves & I certainly deal best with such break-ups (where I am still in love but they are not) by cutting all ties....because it is just too painful to see or speak to them & pretend I'm not hurting & angry. I'm not sure what it would take or how long it would take to get over a relationship I'd been in for 24 years....hope you work things out eventually but I think you may have to consider the posibility that your ex may not want any kind of relationship with you for the considerable future.....all the best

OrangeOranges

just to try and help me find some way of having communcation with him.

I doubt that's gonna happen anytime soon .

I do still love him but I am not in love with him if that makes any sence.

Not to me. Its a crappy romance-movie quote thats a million miles from reality. Its the weak-belly type of line used in break-ups.

I know he is hurting but all I can say is sorry I wish I did not feel this way.

Id avoid the sympathy line if you do happen to get chatting to him

I have pictures af our wedding hanging up in my house and others of us together which I love looking at.

Really. So you love your husband, think he's a great bloke, ye had great times together etc etc ..........but there's no way you could of resolved your problems with the relationship?? I find that hard to believe.

He I know has taking every picture we had up in our home down and put in the attic, this I find sad.

What do you want. For him to sit at home listening to the blues surrounded by pictures of you!!!! Jaysis lady!! The fact that he has taken them down shows that maybe he's dealing with this better than you give him credit for. The fact that he has taken them down might just mean he has accepted its over and has moved on.

Maybe he just doesnt particularly like you anymore and hence the lack of communication.

I just hope one day he will say hello. maybe some of you are right I deserve what I get

You probably will but I would think he would have to move on into a new relationship .And yes I do think you deserve what you get . Especially since all your excuses quoted to date sound like BS.

Just a couple of questions:
- why wait 24 years to split? Seriously reduces his chances a finding a new partner and condem him to live alone for the rest of his days
- what really happened apart from you suddenly waking up one morning and realising that the warm feeling of (non-friendship) burning love in your heart was no longer there.

I wonder: have you come out gay? Or when exactly did your friend come on the scene?

Asiaprod

really upset wrote:

maybe some of you are right I deserve what I get.

You know, I think it is the way you are writting all this down, or more to the point, the stuff you have NOT written down, that is causing so many negative reactions. If I did not know better I would also most say you are now regretting your actions! I honestly do not for the life of me understand where exactly you are coming from. It is just not possible to expect things to be happy or amicable in the way that you wish. 24 years is a hell of a long time to spend together to one day just walk out. Like I said before, you have someone new so are not lonley or thinking about being on your own. How is he fairing out. Not as well as you are I'll bet. IMHO if there is to be a change it will not come till he too has found someone and can face you on an equal footing. The longer you try to force a change in any way the more damage you are going to do to him in the long run. You are just going to have to wait till he is good and ready. Allow him time to grieve. I imagine that right now he feels he has lost just about all he worked for and that meant anything to him. The kindest thing you can do is just remain informed least he gets really depressed and does something stupid. I am not being an alarmist, that is the biggest danger. The rest may or may not ever happen. Only time will tell. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Op, it will take your husband a LONG LONG time to get over this, give him space and if in your mind you dont want to get to ever get back together please dont give him even the remotest glimmer of hope that you will.

Cinamon Girl

I know exactly how you feel.

You loved this guy at one time, still think he is great but just don't love him anymore.

I left my husband after 13 years. A year later he is still bitter about this. For a good while it upset me that we couldn't get on after the breakup. But eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that he is a mature adult and I have to leave him alone to come to terms with things in his own way.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You are not responsible for his feelings. If you are anything like me you will be happier for what you have done. There is no point in sticking with a relationship that is not making you happy. It is unfortunate that he is still hurting but someone has to get hurt. Hopefully in time he will see that it is best for both of you that you are not together.

24 years is a long time to be together. It will take a long time for him to adjust. Just give him space and don't confuse him by trying to 'help' him get over it.

Good luck with your new life and make the most of it.:)

LegacyUser

What exactly do people mean when they say they have 'fallen out of love' after 24 years?

Love is largely the result of chemistry designed to help humans procreate when they are physically able, it changes into something much less potent when we get older. It is normal for love to 'fade' when you get older, and be replaced by familiarity, friendship, security, etc. The spark you feel with your 'new friend' will fade all too rapidly, and you will realise that you threw away the most important thing in your life due to a huge mistake.

Leave your ex alone, youve destroyed his life because you think life works like a Maeve Binchey novel or an episode of Friends.

Cinamon Girl

Chances are that the love was gone from the relationship long before the split took place.

Some people are happy to let things continue the way things are but that's not for everyone.

I am the kind of person who needs a lot of affection and physical love. That just wasn't happening. I tried to continue to love and care for my husband, tried to prentend I was happy, and near the end tried to just live with a loveless marriage. In truth I feel my husband 'dumped' me a long time ago. Eventually I could no longer live with the misery and unhappiness. No-one should feel they have to stay in a relationship that isn't making them happy, or because they other person will get hurt. It took me 8 years to eventually give up trying and decide to get out!

I think some men can be very agorant in the way they behave. Is it an ego thing, because his wife left him? How dare she!!

Let him get on with things and concentrate on living your own life.