WTF(Story of my life)

LegacyUser

Right, I'm unable to sleep at 5:12 in the morning and I'm just at that stage of sleep deprivation where I decide to take a step back and actually look at my life. I'm 20 years old. College exams starting with in the next three days, which I have done practically no studying for at all, not that it really matters because I'm 99.99% sure that I've failed my course already anyway (I've been lying to myself, tricking myself in to thinking I might just have passed, but the reality is hitting me now).

I'm about as employable as Jack the ripper which means a Job for the summer is quite unlikely. I've never done a hard days work in my life, ever so I've no real sense of what the real working world is like. I've no motivation to do anything but feck around the house all day. I've no real friends. The 'friends' that I do have consist of my college mates, who really just treat me like crap (I've come to accept that they're assholes and just people I aquaint myself with so I don't look like a retard in college) and my old mates who I've lost touch with. I still see them nearly every summer but I really don't consider them as a friends anymore because I've changed so much that I have very little in common with any of them any more. Then there are the people from secondary school, most of whom I havn't spoken to since I left school, even at that I was never ever very popular in school. I've so few friends that I consider my 14 year old sister my best friend.

I havn't had a girlfriend since I was about 16 and since I despise going out / have no one to go out with, I certainly don't see myself entering a relationship any time soon. Just thinking about it, the idea of me with a girlfriend is down right rediculous. The only time I leave the house is when I've to go to college. About 5 years ago, If I saw someone like what I am now I'd have labeled them a grade 'A' loser, which would probably be one hell of an understatment at that.

There are so few things that I value in life and I rely heavily on different forms of escapisms. Computer games being one of them, Music and usually what ever will put my mind in to a trans or take my mind off thinking about how much of a nobody I am. Relying on escapism to function, It's only driven me further from reality.

I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything, but looking at things realistically I'd probably be better off if I was never born or if I was dead or something. If you were an invester and I was an investment plan and you decided to invest in me, you'd only lose your money. I don't see myself amounting to anything in life other than what I am now, a leech. Me being such a waster is only costing people around me what ever my living cost is. I'm fearless of death right now because I've practically nothing to live for.

I posted a thread like this on another forum I'm on quite a lot. Same kind of thing (I'm feel unloved, blah blah blah, advice please.) under similar circumstances (up early in the morning unable to sleep). One person suggested I try and find Jesus or something and God's love would give me what ever strength I needed. So I tried it, which turned me from non religious to atheist...

I don't even know why I'm writing this thread. I supose I'm part hoping for some direction, part bored, part tired and part looking for just that little bit of attention that might jump start a little motivation so I might do something with my life. I just feel that I'm missing out in everything. I think I'm too afraid to suceed if I ever do because when I look back on this period in my life I'll regret everything I did and think to myself "What a waste". I supose, I only have myself to blame for how much of a retard I've turned out to be.

Anyway, if you've bothered to read this early morning waffle first of all thank you and second of all, if you care to reply, be blunt as you need to.

Repli

You're being very hard on yourself, take it easy! These are things most people go through at some stage and can be sorted.

Just about the college issues, you should have a student retention officer in your college you can talk to about maybe repeating the year, how much it will cost, etc and they will provide you with support and advice.

Secondly, it might be a good idea to try and get a summer job, most supermarkets hire students for the summer and usually have high staff turnover rates so they are always looking. This will boost your confidence and you'll earn some money which can be quite decent in supermarkets, usually more than minimum wage, and you'll also meet more people.

hairyheretic

Until you decide to change, then nothing will change. If you aren't happy with how things are, then do something about it.

If you do fail your course, its possible to resit exams, or even repeat the year. Alternately you could even take a year out, then try again.

If you're unhappy with your social life and circle, then try something new. Do you have any hobbies? Universities have societies for pretty much everything. Joining one of those would give you the opportunity to meet others, and the shared hobby gives you a starting point to talk from. I'll not say you definately will find anyone, but it certainly gives a better chance of it than sitting there talking.

If you enjoy computer games, what about MMOs? You can still play, but there is also the social aspect of guilds and clans. You may not have anyone locally, but they're still people you can talk to.

As for a job, there are plenty of jobs that require little experience ... fast food places or stacking shelves for instance. They may not be much fun, but they'll give you a bit of money, and perhaps even a chance to meet other people.

Start simple. Pick one thing you feel is wrong, and decide what you are going to do about it. You could get a thousand replies on here telling you what to do, but until you make the effort to actually do something, then nothing is going to happen.

narommy

You're 20. I'm 27 last week.

I'm seeing a lot of similarities in the way I felt back then and the way you're feeling now. A lot of similarities.

Resisiting the urge to be modest, most people would be envious of the life I ahve today.

Things change so fast. At least you have already identified how you see the issues with your life. Now just think about changing them. as the other people replied said. get a job. be active about your career. Why are you thinking you've failed. Have you not put in the work. Why not? Is it because you do not enjoy the course? In that case you are better off to fail and start again with somethin you really want to do. Once you have a degree you will probabley be in that area for 40+ years. Also look up thepercentage of people who have hot as many points in the LC as you. You're at least in the top third.

I failed a few courses in college too. No relationship with a girl when I was 20.

To be honest I'm feeling a little down this week as I am experiencing a sense of failure. But most people think I am doing well. It is all relative. It's ambition and the pressures of modern society.


Think about taking up activities outside of computer games. I've never done them but I'm told Salsa classes are fun and good for keeping fit and the girls are hot.

What field are you studying in?

Crucifix

You sound very similar to me(very), and therefore, I'm going to have to vehemently say you aren't a loser. You need to let go of the human-worth system you had when you were fifteen.

Ruu_Old

You need to go and find yourself, find when you were happy and feeling content and try to adapt some of that to your current situation. Best of luck OP.

SoupyNorman

Might be a good time to feck off to the states or somewhere foreign, on your own, make new connections, start fresh and you should come home with a new perspective.

hope it was helpful.

s10

secondly, every college has a counseller
C) remember ppl from all over europe are trying to get into ireland for jobs/welfare.
(4) college is nowadays a bit of a waste if ur not in the top 50% IQ ...trades are making a packet, from hairdressers to plumbers.(very debatable argument)
lastly ) everybody has faults, focusing on them may give u drive to do something but if its all u do.. it is not only demoralising but can lead to major depression.
chin up

Xterminator

Perhaps what you need is a good jolt of real life. You're wasting the opportunity given you in college. You haven’t made an effort to even study.

So hears my suggestion. Take a year off, drop out, call it what you will. Get a minimum wage job in Abrakebabra, or some other min. wage late night job. And while you’re at it, get a flat and move out of home.

Why?

1. You'll get a taste of life, not your comfortable subsidised wasted existence.

2. Working late hours will give you the opportunity to make friends with your work colleagues, who will also be working the ****ty hours. With a whole new set of friends, and a job who knows, a girlfriend might even become a possibility!

3. Self esteem. You need it. If you can do a job, and do it proficiently, then you may find a bit of self-esteem and worth. If you can get a promotion from cleaning the tables to making the fries, to maybe shift assistant supervisor, you may get a sense of achievement, in actually doing something, being good at it, and having others recognise it too.

A year of that might clear your head, and then you can decide to take the opportunity you have been given, (ie. go to college) or take another path.
Either way you are no worse off, and possibly much better.

X

chamlis

Wow. Reading that post was like looking in the mirror.

To all you guys: I think I'm gonna go to New York! Or New Zealand! Somewhere.....different.

paulac

Hey, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. What you described was my mindset for about 6 months last year! I just thought, I've no idea what I'm doing, I've no interest or motivation to do anything, everyone else seems to know what they're doing so there must be something wrong with me and my life and I'm a waster. I started off like that but after a while I slid down further and further. I wasn't depressed or suicidal but with this mindframe for a few months and I became very depressed. It was a vicious circle and it can be hard to get out of. I realised I wasn't happy and that there was something wrong so I asked for help. I started seeing my college counsellor, I took herbal mood lifters called rhodiola rosea (I was prescribed antidepressants but wanted to go the herbal route) which really helped. I kept a diary, I wrote down where I saw myself in 1, 2, 10 years time, which was really hard to do. I joined an evening class in a local school which taught me to look at how my thoughts had shaped my life up until that point and how to recognise negative attitudes. There's a lot that you can do and i know you probably don't feel like doing anything, but by getting stuff off your chest, it can help. I'm 21 now, and I was in your shoes last year, trust me, there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Keep posting and i wish you the best!

Paula

Manolo Blahnik

Okay you have two options
1. Do Something about it
2. Sitback and feel sorry for yourself

I think we've all been through or going to go through a stage like that in our lives.
I know this might be crazy but have you considered repeatind your LC? Two of my friends are 20 like you and about to sit there LC in June.

If that's too much I found a brilliant company called Sodexho. It's a catering service that's located in both Cork and Dublin.

Request application forms to be sent to your home. Fill them out and send them back. It's as simple as that. You don't need ANY experience.

Seriously don't worry about the whole girlfriend thing. Things will work out if your willing to actually make the changes and say hey I'm not living just passing time.


Life is what you make it.