Advice, please?

LegacyUser

I'm not sure how to approach this.

I was talking to a relation of mine the other night, and it was a serious heart to heart. I've never known her very well, but we've recently had the opportunity to get to know eachother a bit better. She told me that I need to lighten up and relax, and that she doubted I felt like I had any real friends, because I'm never 100% myself, but that she though I was really just misunderstood. I ended up crying - although I definitely didn't want to! - but I've been trying to take on board everything she said to me. I just don't know how to be more open than I am. She also said that I never smile, or seem happy, and although I make an effort to smile at other people as much as possible, I know what she said is true. Another thing she mentioned is that her friends had commented that they had never seen someone with so little self-confidence. I honestly don't know what to do, because I can't go through life without any close friends, and yet I don't know how to fix the problems she pointed out. What she said didn't come as a shock to me, but the fact that someone other than me noticed kind of took me by surprise or something.

I'm a very social person and love being around people, but I never manage to have close relationships with them. I'm very catalystic in relationships - lots of my friends are much closer to each other than they are to me, but they met through me. I also would consider myself as being quite confident, not overly so, but enough to get stuff done! I'm possibly too assertive and am very headstrong, and I know that turns people off, but I don't know how to change that either. I guess it's just a defence mechanism - attack always seems like the best form of defense when I'm passionate about something - which is most of the time - although I know it's not. I constantly reprimand myself when I know I've done something wrong, but I just can't stop myself from saying or doing the wrong thing before I do it, and put even more people off.

I guess I'm just afraid of being this cripplingly lonely all my life. I'm only in my 20s but it is already affecting me. I don't know if it's normal to feel so disappointed in everything all the time. Everyone else seems to have a great time at the events I often find myself trying not to cry at. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big crier, but sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed.) I just never seem to enjoy anything and I often wonder if people really do enjoy things more than me, or if it’s all an act with them too. I don't know how to tackle things, how to deal with this aspect of things.

I really just feel lost.

All of my closer friends are great people, but I don't know how to open up to any of them, or even if I have anything to open up to them about. I mean, what am I supposed to be telling them that I don't, or how am I supposed to be acting differently. If I try to talk about things, I usually just feel like I'm overreacting, and I feel like they feel the same way, so I don't really discuss what's bothering me until it's become such an issue that I semi-explode.

Help, please?

Clár

Hi Bumbelle,

Meet your sister, I see myself right now in some of what you say.

I am a very social person normally 2 but at the minute I am closing myself away from most people. I am also very assertive and head strong and unlike you i am uber confident (normally) which i think scares some people. I say it like it is which sometimes is now necessary!!

I know I find myself going out to clubs or events like you and all i wanna do is sit down and have a conversation with someone, im not the life and soul of the party anymore.

I think its just a phase your may be going through, Im 22 and found being 20 quite difficult. I felt like i needed to be an adult almost immediately because when i was bein silly i was now told I was being immature by my sister or boyfriend. So like you i would attack and become introverted.

You really do need to open to friends, im sure your mates would be happy to know how your feeling. If you avoid them or distance yourself from them they may just think you are a bit of a cow. Which you are clearly now and its hard to convince some people otherwise when they have their minds made up.

Kell

Bumbelle wrote:

I also would consider myself as being quite confident, not overly so, but enough to get stuff done! I'm possibly too assertive and am very headstrong, and I know that turns people off, but I don't know how to change that either.

You know, I had written a really long reply, and something fúcked up and I lost it. Basically it boils down to this.

Your confident- great. However, we live in a country populated by begrudging fúckwits who envy the fact that you are confident and headstrong. Dont be moved by what others think- you cant directly affect their reaction to something and besides, a few more years will teach you that peoples reactions are their own and you are not responsible for what people do or say.

A thing you have to accept at some stage in your life is that people are essentially selfish. Once you adjust your perspective to this, it kinda gets hard to be hurt by stuff. Instead of taking offense or being hurt, you stand back and say to yourself "I am a moron. I should have seen that coming". Amazing how quick you recover when you have popped a giggle at yourself.

You're confident- great. You act as a catalyst- great. You are headstrong- even better. I cant see a thing wrong with you so dont over analyse. I know you feel lonely, but try being self sufficient in the emotional needs department and again, what people do or say become irrelevant.

You are only going to meet 5 or 6 people in your life that mutually matter 100%. Sometimes it takes adjusting your persective on life to accept reality as opposed to what you would "like" from people. Your 100% mutual best friends could be near you right now. You might just be looking at them wrong.

K-

Wurly

First of all, I think your relation went a bit over the top when giving his/her two cents about you. Im almost thinking - the cheek. Im sure this person is not perfect either and saying things like 'my friends have never seen anyone with as little confidence as you' is not going to make someone feel like a million dollars! Sorry but as constructive as this persons intentions may be, they certainly dont posess a lot of tact or empathy.

As for your problem, I can completely relate. I knew that I was a good person and able for a lot of the stuff the world through at me. Then other times id feel so alone with a group of friends or just plain inferior to everyone else. I remember being asked what I liked to do for fun and I had no answer to that question. I honestly didnt know. People would go on about what a great night it was when we were out but I would only think it was average. Exactly what you were saying, I felt quite disappointed after a lot of events. So like I was, it seems you're a bit mixed up.

It turns out, I was suffering from depression and I was putting up with a lot of emotional pain that I hadnt dealt with properly. I was so used to it, I classed it as normal as I didnt know any different. Hence not being able to have fun, get into close relationships, have an argument without snapping at people etc etc.

I went to a counsellor when I eventually hit rock bottom and did the therapy and anti depressant thing for 1.5 years - best thing I ever did. I've come out the other side, can accept myself and my flaws (everyone has them), can have fun and I have much healthier and happier relationships. Im not sure if you're depressed or not cos I dont know much about you. But it may be worth going to see someone just to be sure. You owe it to yourself to feel happier than this and the only one who has this power is you. Put yourself back in the driving seat.

Lastly, be wary of people sprouting their pearls of wisdom about you and your personality. Mostly, they are trying to make themselves feel normal by putting you down. They can come across as constructive but many things they say you know already and dont need to be told. Like I said, no one is perfect. I knew i was a good person and my conscience let me sleep at night. But it didnt stop people in the height of my ilness highlighting all the places I was going wrong etc. Not what you need. Try to be around listeners as opposed to talkers during this time. You are already a bit mixed up, you dont need everyone elses opinions to confuse things aswell.

Best of luck, it will all come good. But you have to want it for yourself!.xx

Beruthiel

Bumbelle wrote:

I was talking to a relation of mine the other night, and it was a serious heart to heart. I've never known her very well, but we've recently had the opportunity to get to know eachother a bit better.

so, she sorta knows you for all of five minutes and she has an opinion.
Lots of people know me to varying degrees, do they really and truly know me? nope

She told me that I need to lighten up and relax

in her opinion, you do what's right for you.

[that she doubted I felt like I had any real friends

and she has loads and loads of them

because I'm never 100% myself

whatever that is, in different situations we are different things, there are very few people I would choose to be 100% myself with.

Another thing she mentioned is that her friends had commented that they had never seen someone with so little self-confidence.

Do you know her friends well? Do they know you well enough to have any kind of accurate opinion of you?

I also would consider myself as being quite confident, not overly so, but enough to get stuff done! I'm possibly too assertive and am very headstrong

I am also all of those things, I'm very happy with that, I worked hard to become confident and assertive. Be proud that you don't have to

and I know that turns people off

No it doesn't, not the people who count.
You don't change yourself in order for people to like you more.
The people who will like you are the ones that like you for you

All of my closer friends are great people, but I don't know how to open up to any of them, or even if I have anything to open up to them about. I mean, what am I supposed to be telling them that I don't, or how am I supposed to be acting differently.

you are over thinking everything, if you are being yourself there is nothing more required!

Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one.
What other people think of you is not important, what you think of yourself is.

quickbeam

Bumbelle wrote:

I constantly reprimand myself when I know I've done something wrong, but I just can't stop myself from saying or doing the wrong thing before I do it, and put even more people off.

No need to feel guilty or feel that you've done something wrong by expressing your opinion and being headstrong. There's plenty of people who "mouth off" without feeling guilty about it. Having your own opinions and not being just one of the "sheep" is a good thing.

As far as I can tell (without knowing you), the only thing you actually need to change about yourself is to accept who you are. By repremanding yourself for doing "wrong" it sounds like you're trying to be somebody else.

Now that's easier said than done. Your post rang very true for me because I'm only in the middle of this process myself. It's not easy but it's better to accept yourself than to try to be somebody else. You'll never be happy if you're always trying to be somebody else.

It could be you have depression. Worth getting checked out.

Also, your friends sound like nice people. Try testing the waters and opening up to them a bit more. Like a prevous poster said, there will only be half a dozen or so people you can truly be yourself with in your whole life-time. Who knows if your current circle of friends might be one of those people. You won't know until you try opening up to them a little.

Hope things go well for you. I sincerly wish you the best of luck. Let us know how things go with you.