Moving House After A Death

LegacyUser

Ok bit of advice needed, Im not going to bladder on just get straight to the point, lost my brother (who was mentally handicapped) who i was very very close to just over 2 years ago, now my mam and dad are considering selling our house where we grew up inm, to build a new house and buy a holiday home, I broke down when mam said it i jusy cant believe how they can even consider moving on like that to somewhere there are no memories etc of my brother, im really finding it difficult to cope with. Has anyone ever been in this situation?? Any advice would be appreciatedm thanks

Hobart

Yep,

lost my younger brother 4 years ago. My parents decided to move house too. He used to live with them. I was pretty upset too, but I guess I understand why. For me the best memories of him are what I have inside of me, and not really material things.

The way I looked at it, I lost a brother, they lost a son. I believe that it was harder for them, than me, and it was very hard on me.

I know it's hard, but try to look at it from their perspective, if you can. Build your own memories of him, make a collection of things, fill a scrap book, build a website. whatever it takes, but think of their feelings too. It will get easier.

Dave!

Sorry to hear about your brother.

Your parents are obviously in a bad way, so this is probably a way for them to move on. Of course you'd like to have the family home there for memories and so on, but try and think of your parents... Chances are they've taken it harder than you, and they've been through alot, so if this helps them to move on and start rebuilding their life, then is that not the best thing?

It'll be hard for you, but your parents obviously need this to move on, and I'm sure you want them to have the best life that they can have, and not to spend the rest of it mourning their son, when they look into his bedroom.

Funkstard

Sorry to hear about your brother too. I lost my best friend last December, and I know that his car is still in the driveway, his room still exactly the same except for there are photos of him all over the place. I suppose some people deal with it differently.

Obviously it's going to be extremely hard to move house and become detacthed from all the memories you have of him connected to the house, and I know it sounds cliché, but the best memories you have of him are still inside. Also, don't forget that you can take as many material memories of him that you want to the new house, be it his duvet, clothes, books, cd's, posters..anything. They might help create a link between your old house and your new.

I know for me I have photos of my friend on either side of my bed, his text messages in my phone, the last bottle of miller I drank with him (when he was laid out) and when I went to Australia soon after he died I took some of these with me. It was really very helpful to have something physical to relate to him with. I found myself talking to the photo and the miller bottle and they stayed close to me at all times. It's like having this little personal thing that only you and him know about where you can think of him and talk to him. It will be hard seeing his room being packed up, but anything you choose to take will be your little link with him.

Maybe that will help you. I know it certainly did, and still does, for me.

jimmycrackcorm

I was struck by the ops post and I hope I never have to actually deal with such a situation myself. but to be blunt, life does go on. if you were to ask yourself how many years would it take before it would be ok for them to sell up - how many would that be? 10 15 - for ever? Perhaps also you might look at another perspective in that it is difficult for parents to constantly be living in the source of memories. If that was acceptable then you'd expect them to be spending every spare moment by sitting beside a grave.
To be blunt though, life does go on and has to be accepted.

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice so far, perhaps I should have mentioned that my brothers room is the same as the night he died, his clothes everything is in the same place, and I am the one that is keeping it that way, his bedroom door is closed and has been since he died, mam says we have to pack up his things etc but I will nothear of it, it would break my heart...This is the 2nd child my parents have lost and they moved shortly after my 1st brother died, but we have been here so long i still live at home and am the only child lviing at home my other brother is married, i really really do not know how i would cope in a different home where my brother wasnteven though mam and dad are considering, maybe i am being too selfish i dont know

Funkstard

It's going to get packed up sometime, even as long as until you die. It's going to be heartbreaking, horrible, it will make you feel completely guilty, but you have to know that you're not forgetting him in any way by putting his stuff in boxes. Doing stuff like that is part of the healing process in ways.

Beruthiel

I'm very sorry about your brother OP

aaaaaaaash wrote:

I should have mentioned that my brothers room is the same as the night he died, his clothes everything is in the same place, and I am the one that is keeping it that way

I understand that you still probably feel close to him because nothing has changed in his room. But speaking as a parent myself, I'm not sure my mind could take looking at that room for 2 years, it would be like me trying to keep a wound open for two years. I would also have to sell up and move to somewhere completely different. I totally understand why your parents are doing this, it's either move or go slowly mad.
I know it's probably very hard for you, but as Hobart said, try to see it from their POV.

fabcat

Pack his stuff up sweetheart, do it with your parents and while your doing it cry and talk as you remember all the things about him. I lost my sister 9 years ago, and it took me so long to realise that no matter how many things we kept that were hers and how many times I went up to her house afterwards, it didn't matter. She is never coming back. Neither is your brother. I know this sounds harsh, but you have to be, I spent two years of my life refusing to carry on with my life and didn't even leave the house for over a year except to go to work, I had no friends, no social life, even now when people talk about their friends and so on, I don't say anything because all my friends now are from the last 3 years. It is so hard to deal with but keeping his room the same? It's not bringing him back darling, it's just preventing you from moving on.

Asiaprod

aaaaaaaash wrote:

Any advice would be appreciatedm thanks

I think you have received wonderfull advise from all who posted here.
You must bring yourself to understand that your brother does not live on in the possesions he left behind. He lives on in your memory. As such, he goes everywhere you go. Now is a time for you to try to really understand the pain your parents are going through. I know this is difficult right now, but understand that they have lost a son. When you become a parent yourself you will really understand the pain of loosing a child. Right now, they need you on their side. If you love them, and I know you do, support them. Your brother will love you for this.

Blub2k4

aaaaaaaash wrote:

thanks for the advice so far, perhaps I should have mentioned that my brothers room is the same as the night he died, his clothes everything is in the same place, and I am the one that is keeping it that way, his bedroom door is closed and has been since he died, mam says we have to pack up his things etc but I will nothear of it, it would break my heart...This is the 2nd child my parents have lost and they moved shortly after my 1st brother died, but we have been here so long i still live at home and am the only child lviing at home my other brother is married, i really really do not know how i would cope in a different home where my brother wasnteven though mam and dad are considering, maybe i am being too selfish i dont know

Your love for your brother is very touching, no one can ever take that away from you. All you have now is memories, that will remain as such for the rest of your life.
You really need to move to the next stage and accept that he is gone, he wont be back.

I think it would be a good idea if you were to see a bereavement counseller, you are still not finished grieving.

Make a deal with your parents, you dont mind moving as long as they get you some professional help.
Dont worry about the idea of going to someone, they are trained to say the right things to make you feel better, they can help.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Blub2k4:- Thing is I have been having counselling for the last 7 months and he has said he doesnt think there is anything else he can do for me as I am trapped in grief, he has said every other patient he has had has moved on after a couple ofmonths with him but i just cant accept it and I dont know that i ever will,

Thank you so much for all your advice, you really are a great bunch.I will try my very hardest to take on board what you have all said.

lost_for_words

OP - I'm really sorry that you have lost your brother.

From reading your posts it is obvious you loved your brother very much, and ye had a great relationship. When you lose someone that close to you it can really feel like a part of you has gone with them and you are kind of floating in a half reality afterward.
It's going to take time but at some point as others have said you will have to accept the reality of the loss, that as much as you loved your brother he can't come back. It's ok to feel angry and sad and its ok to cry, people can react in different ways (for me I became really quite).
By leaving your brothers room the exact same way it was you are preventing yourself and your parents from accepting his death. I know it makes you feel closer to him and that there is an element of guilt, like you think they will think you have forgotten them or didn't love them. But that's not the case.

It's a really emotional thing to have to do, so take it slowly and do it with your parents. It also took me a while to realise my dad wasn't coming back, and looking back I wish I had had some counselling as the whole process seemed surreal and almost like I was watching myself go through the motions but too numb to feel it. If you feel you are not making progress with your counseller don't be afraid to change, its possible you haven't made a connection and maybe you are starting to feel a little hopeless.

The fact that you posted in the first place shows that a part of you realises that it's time to move on and now the panic is setting in. Don't feel guilty that you are still here, and talk about your brother with your parents, all the funny memories and even the bad ones, you'll find that talking about him may help you to feel closer to him than any of his material things do.

You might consider a bereavement group instead of one to one counselling, often sharing experiences can give you the perspective you need.

eskimo

I'm really sorry for your loss and I wish you lots of happiness in the future.

My grandfather lived with me and my family since I was 5 (I'm now 19). Early last year my parents decided to sell the house we lived in for the previous 12 years. Just a few months later, my grandad all of a sudden became really sick and by June he had passed away. We went ahead with selling the house and moved out in August.

None of us could even contemplate staying in the house any longer because it hurt too much to be there without my grandad. It sounds like maybe this is the same way your parents are feeling following the loss of their son.

My grandad was 85 when he passed away and had lived a full healthy life. Your brother hadn't lived as long as you hoped and this is possibly why you're not ready to let go of the house - because your brother should still be there.

As others have said here I recommend a bereavement group and counselling if you have access to it. Take care whatever happens and whatever you decide.

x

LikeOhMyGawd!

Sorry to hear of your situation and I hope you will eventually find some peace of mind. All I can say by way of advice is that I'm sure your loving brother would be distressed to see your anguish over these last two years and would rather you be free these worries about preserving his memory in this way. The memories you have are great ones but it sure is a shame to have them turned into a burden stopping you and your parents from moving on. In situations like this a big part is eventually letting go. It's not uncaring, insensitive or wrong to let things go. We all have to do it at some point in our lives so it can't be wrong. The sad thing about life is that we lose people along the way. I'm sure your poor parents know all about this and you should put your faith in them.

Velvet Vocals

aaaaaaaash wrote:

Blub2k4:- Thing is I have been having counselling for the last 7 months and he has said he doesnt think there is anything else he can do for me as I am trapped in grief, he has said every other patient he has had has moved on after a couple ofmonths with him but i just cant accept it and I dont know that i ever will,

Thank you so much for all your advice, you really are a great bunch.I will try my very hardest to take on board what you have all said.

Hi, like everyone else I'm really very sorry for your loss! I just wonder and I'm sure you've thought of this your self, but if, as your counsellor says you are locked in grief, then maybe a move might just be the very thing that helps you to move on.
You need to know that by moving on you wont be forgetting or betraying your brothers memory! In fact you'll be doing the opposite, by getting on with your life and being happy you'll be doing what I'm sure he would want you to do. There is no greater way to honour the dead then by living life to the fullest!