The lad I love and the why oh why oh why

LegacyUser

Hey peoples

I've got a thing going with the last year with a guy who basically I know (and knew when I started) will not be with me forever.
I'd have never thought of him as being a forever thing for the reasons I'll go into in a minute( though increasingly I'd have liked that ) and I still dont think of him as a possible in that way.

It's crunch time now though because someones going to get very very hurt and I'm afraid that someone is going to be me as I've let this go on too long and develop.

To cut a long story short,he's more straight than he is gay.I'm the third male that he's been with and the longest.
It's the longest because we get on like a house on fire and despite the set up we are very very close friends.

We've talked about this in a detached way (by detached I mean I'm clever enough not to let on how deep I'm feeling and clever enough to cut this I think when I know it has to be done)
When this started we were already very close and we started it as a laugh.
The ground rules were clear,I told him that he can have his other life as well,I just didnt want to know about it for now-other than the usual safety precautions(we are very safe with each other and discuss what each of us have done in the past without naming the personalities)
Thing is though,our relationship is incredible and what is going to end it is his desire to get married to a woman and have the 2.4 kids.
He wants that and hell I want him to have what he wants but I dont want to be around to see it.I dont think I have the strength to see it.
He likes boobies etc,that little bit more than he does the stuff that we do(despite this being very passionate)

This is where the problem is.

Could this thread discuss similar situations or maybe give me some solace for the path I'm about to take? Only a very few people know about either of our sexualities as we live in a very backward rural area.

It must be a situation posters have been in here before? It's a variation of unrequited love except,its requited but it soon wont be in the way that it has been.

In my case,I'm actually going to miss the friendship and I know he is,but the two cannot be mixed in these circumstances.
I feel like I'm betraying him by being the one that breaks it up and cuts the ties first.
It's my fault really for getting into something that We both knew was temporary.
The only solace I can see so far is that it was a fun year and I wouldnt have done anything any different which sounds like a strange thing to say alongside the pain and regret I know I'm about to have.

snappieT

Oh don't I know that situation. You won't like this, and I'll get a lot of criticism for saying it, but
Wash your hands clean of him now before you get f*cking hurt.

azezil

I have to agree with el Snappio there, I wouldn't have even started it, its a no win situation.

BuffyBot

Time to move on, it would seem. Yes, it might hurt, but you really don't have much of a choice it would seem.

Hmm_Messiah

Seems I'm gonna disagree a li
ttle with the majority. And in doing so I am looking at it from my own experience and/or a magick belief I have in the values of people connecting.

End the sexual /physical side, impose a distance for a time scale, and agree a way of renewing the frendship after that.

If you are sure he will opt for the wife and kids option then yea, see what you had as a good time, one you wont regret
but

In my case,I'm actually going to miss the friendship and I know he is,but the two cannot be mixed in these circumstances.

That might be the case in your circumstances, I couldn't know, but its not ALWAYS the case. Too often peole opt for the less effort in difficult relationships, disregarding what ever brought them together first. You both sound very close, if thats not based on the sex why would it not contnue after the sex ? Difficult, painful, but sure so is childbirth, doubt its a reason many women use for not having the option of a child (for example)

I know its difficult, I know too well, I know its doesnt work sometimes, I know that too well. I also know that some one you value becomes or should be integral to your life, continuing to be part of it even if they have to leave it. Deciding when/if they have to leave your life is a different thing.

Don't under estimate love and affection. There are many many people who have a relationship closer than the couple/intimacy one.

My best friend in the world lives just minutes from me and we've not seen each other in over a year, any one who knew us (even online here) would know the reality of our closeness, yet tat was sacrificed somehow in being too concerned abotu what we called/labelled what we had.

Always bugged me about "When Harry Met Sally" - they should of ended up happy as friends grrr

carbonkid

snoopie doopie wrote:

Thing is though,our relationship is incredible and what is going to end it is his desire to get married to a woman and have the 2.4 kids.
He wants that and hell I want him to have what he wants but I dont want to be around to see it.I dont think I have the strength to see it.

That sounds a wee bit like you know what has to be done. Ive been with lads in the past who were like that. One of which now has admitted to been gay and not interested in girls anymore.

I do like fooling around with straight lads specially if you'd been friends with them before hand for a while fancying them the whole time. Unfortunately these relationships usually dont last too long and you'll be the one getting hurt im afaird...

...saying that if i really liked him dont think i could just put him behind me like that.

LegacyUser

carbonkid wrote:

...saying that if i really liked him dont think i could just put him behind me like that.

yeah I do We've talked about this a while ago and we both know where we stand.

I've no probs at all with bisexuals,its a commitment thing that I'm finding that I'm wanting now and I know I wont get anything other than what there is now.Bisexuals lads can commit to a bloke,thinking they cant is very unfair to them.In fact I'd go so far as to say that whether one is bi or gay is imaterial,one should be able to tell if the person gay or bi wants to genuinely be with you for a short haul, a long haul or for wherever it takes you and proceed on that basis.
I proceeded albeit openly on a different basis,a kind of booty call with the closeness extras but without the plan thats around a BF normally.

In this case,I'm just fulfilling a little part of my fellahs wants but there is a genuine stronger need in him and he's choosing that over me but he'd obviously like us to be friends,close friends.That much we discussed before we got into this and several times inbetween.

In my book anyway thats the problem,I've been with lads before who like girls but they've been with me because we wanted that and it was no different to a BF-GF thing except it was BF-BF.
In all other circumstances I've been going out , there was a reason for the break up that was normal.
Normal in the sense that we broke up because they or me either found it wasnt working or we wanted someone else.
But at least there was a commitment for the time we were together and there was a clear decision to end.

This is different though,theres no commitment and I'm finding that I'd like one.
Gas thing is,if we broke up for normal reasons it wouldnt hurt,I've been there and done that.Part of this is the knowledge that someone else can provide something I cant and I dont think I have the strength in me to watch as something that means a lot is snatched away.

So end it I must before I feel any deeper,and most importantly before he is snatched away.

Thanks for listening lads.

UU

I hope it all works out for you Snoopie Doopie!

I think going out with bisexuals can be very hard whether one is gay or straight. I mean I don't have any problems with bisexuals only that I find it hard to have faith that many of them will have a certain amount of fidelity and won't start ditching you for a better life, in their terms.

It is difficult for a homosexual to have to compete against heterosexuality to win the heart of a bisexual when heterosexuality offers a lot more to the bisexual such as higher social acceptance, marriage, children and less crap! But us gays are getting there! Just look after yourself Snoopie Doopie and I hope you make the right decision!

Daniel