Poem/Song

Timans

Right, Here we go..

No name yet.

When he talks,
people, they sneer
they can't comprehend
his need for them to hear

Walks around
lost, like a nightsky
he tries one more time, head
firmly above the water
before another wave
comes from nearby

His mind is polluted
he thinks they're all the same
little does he know.
He's not all alone.

Constructive criticism welcome.

ctrl-alt-delete

i used to post poems etc in here, however i havn't done it in ages, mainly because the standard was poor, same old crap everyday,

first time ive actually visited the creative forum in a while,

and im afraid its still the same,

boring, plain and very very simple.

Timans

Fair enough. Thanks for the reply. I agree. I don't rate it at all.

ctrl-alt-delete

Timans wrote:

Fair enough. Thanks for the reply. I agree. I don't rate it at all.

Its going to be different if it is a song - it could sound amazing as a song for all i know, the music can bring the words to life. However as a poem it has nothing to bring it to life.

Just my opinion - Keep writing though, because you will get better, everybody starts out the same, its up to you now to make it different.

aliqueenb

i think its alright but im only in 2nd year...hey will someone please reply to mine descrivtive story alleyway thingy please im about to beg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......