description of a city alley way(coulb be first paragraph of story?)

aliqueenb

It was dark and dank, it was raining so everywhere was wet, as i turned around I noticed a woman hurrying home, who seemed to be crying and a man stumbling after her muttering to himself.There wasa ransid smell from some cats and dogs rummaging in the rubbish bins for something to eat. Just then I heard something crying, I searced frantically to try and find it and finally I did, there beside the where the cats and dogs had been was a tiny baby wrapped in ablanket, she stopped crying now, she looked aboutone day old.......
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please be as critical as u want i need to know!!!!!!......please?

flann

It's fine aliqueenb, but I think you should have proof read it a lot better before posting:

Missing space and bad spelling

aliqueenb wrote:

...wasa ransid...

Capitalisation

aliqueenb wrote:

...as i turned around...

Erroneous 'the'

aliqueenb wrote:

...there beside the where the cats...

Spelling

aliqueenb wrote:

...I searced...

Missing space

aliqueenb wrote:

...wrapped in ablanket...

Missing space

aliqueenb wrote:

...looked aboutone day...

I understand from a posting in another thread that you are young. Youth can excuse plenty, and it's a given that you'll improve immeasurably with time, but there's not much excuse for a lot of the mistakes I've highlighted. You want people to critique your piece, but most (if not all) will be turned off by the fact that you spent so little time proofing it. If you're not bothered giving the requisite time to it, how can you expect a stranger to spend any time at all on it? You do your writing a disservice by posting it prematurely. That's my two cents.

Pedantic criticism aside, the idea itself is intriguing. Keep writing, and read lots. Noel Gallagher once said "he who has the best record collection makes the best music". Same with literature; if you're not reading good material, you'll doubtful write any.

Idgeitman

flann wrote:

If you're not reading good material, you'll doubtful write any.

That should be the opening line in every creative writing book to set people off on the right foot.

aliqueenb

how do i edit my post???? keep all the comments coming please!!!!... but do ye know how to edit it because of all the smelling and other grammer mistakes???......

aliqueenb

aliqueenb wrote:

It was dark and dank, it was raining so everywhere was wet, as i turned around I noticed a woman hurrying home, who seemed to be crying and a man stumbling after her muttering to himself.There wasa ransid smell from some cats and dogs rummaging in the rubbish bins for something to eat. Just then I heard something crying, I searced frantically to try and find it and finally I did, there beside the where the cats and dogs had been was a tiny baby wrapped in ablanket, she stopped crying now, she looked aboutone day old.......
__________________________________________________________

please be as critical as u want i need to know!!!!!!......please?

Being honest. I didn't like it. Grammar is bad, and so is spelling, but after reading it in my head, it just doesn't have any sort of rhythm. Also, you have used the comma a bit too much.. try exploring other means of forming sentences.. trust me, its more pleasing on the eyes.

Lothaar

Your sentence structure is a bit disorganised. Try keeping the sentences shorter, using full-stops instead of commas. Saying “It was raining so everywhere was wet” is just stating the obvious. If it’s not too patronising, I’ve kinda tweaked the opening few sentences to show you an alternative way of handling them. I shortened some sentences and joined others together. Keep rhythm in mind when you’re writing, especially when writing opening paragraphs. If you include a lyrical or rhythmic quality it is much easier to read and thus it becomes easier for the reader to continue reading (a hugely important consideration in any writing).
“It was dark and dank” is a good opening line, as it has a very lyrical quality. There’s alliteration, consonance and assonance in there (they’re not just things that you have to learn for the poetry section of your English test). I snipped the next bit to “rainy and wet” to inject a bit of rhythm into the opening.
Anyway, here’s what I did with it, just to show you an alternative take on the sentence structure.

It was dark and dank, rainy and wet. As I turned around I noticed a woman hurrying home, crying. A man stumbled after her muttering to himself. The rancid smell of cats and dogs rummaging through rubbish bins for something to eat set my nostrils ablaze with disgust. Just then I heard something crying… etc.

TerrorFirmer

Lothaar wrote:

The rancid smell of cats and dogs rummaging through rubbish bins for something to eat set my nostrils ablaze with disgust.

Lol, sounds like something a teacher tells a 10 year old to write for his homework....colourful and descriptive yes but realistic not really, it doesn't exactly read at an engrossing level.

The piece in general is just poor - grammar aside, it shows a clear lack of talent for creative writing. Not trying to be mean but just how I see it...

aliqueenb

HavoK wrote:

The piece in general is just poor - grammar aside, it shows a clear lack of talent for creative writing. Not trying to be mean but just how I see it...

thanks you brightened my day!!!!