Comedic Short Story

Paladin

Not put up here for critique. I wrote it a few years ago, mostly while drunk and/or stoned. It quite clearly shows. However I enjoyed the less serious aspect of writing, trying to work in funny quips and making the story up as I wrote.

Don't bother posting advice as I didn't write this as a serious work. Merely for fun.
Hopefully someone will get a few laughs whilst trolling through the stringy story

Whole story attached in zip, but here is the start (I'm not sure if it maybe improves as it goes along, and as you become used to the inadequacies of the writing:)):

Book 1 Of The Secret Platypus Missions

Introduction
In the beginning of the twenty-first century, we, the human race, have made remarkable steps forward in our understanding of space and time. People such as Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking have contributed to changing our perception of the universe forever. Gravitation, black holes, quantum singularities, light and time. The universe is a much more complicated place than we could have ever imagined just a century ago. Introduced to us are some revolutionary ideas. "Chaos Theory", "The Uncertainty Principle". There is even a theory that our universe is not actually a universe, but part of a multiverse - an infinite number of universes. For every choice that is made, there is a universe where a different choice was made. Some universes might be radically different to ours, where humans might not even exist. Others universes could be almost identical. Almost.

This is a story set in a universe very close to ours. So close that if you suddenly appeared in that universe instead of our own, you almost certainly wouldn't notice. There are however subtle differences. Some slight, evolutionary differences one might say. Not actual physical differences, but some things may be a little smarter there than in our own universe (and I'm not talking about an intelligent George W. Bush - that would be a "Radically Different Universe").
I ask you to open your mind to the possibilities, but not so much as to be stupid and gullible.


And so it begins....:

Chapter1

Bill snorted the last of his cocaine and allowed himself to collapse backwards into his mini Jacuzzi in the living room of his London apartment. This was his first break in a fortnight and he was going to enjoy it. Working as a liaison for the CIA with MI5, Bill had earned a reputation as something of a loose cannon, but still retained more respect than most British Prime ministers dream about.
The reason for this was, well, Bill was different. Not just in his methods, and not just because of his funny way of talking. His drug habit played a small role in his being different, but for the most part what really made him stand out was Bill's bill.

As platypus go, Bill was relatively good tempered. He had gotten used to the little creature comforts (if you will pardon the pun) that humans enjoy. Recruited by the CIA some five years before, Bill had excelled to become one of their top agents, specializing in unarmed combat and undercover infiltration. Recruiting perhaps is too misleading a word. As Bill and his brother Jack lay asleep in their nest back in Tasmania six years ago, fifteen US Navy SEALS attacked them with the aim of abducting them. Surprise played a major part in their capture. Bill had been very young and had barely put up a fight, only managing to kill the first two SEALS. After that he had been overpowered by tear gas and netting. He and Jack were taken straight to a seaplane, which flew them to a military base in Australia. From there they were flown to a high security facility in the mountains of Colorado stopping only to refuel. When they entered the facility Jack and Bill had been split up, and Bill had never seen his brother since that day.

Bill had been young when captured, otherwise training him would have been impossible. You cant teach an old platypus new tricks (or espionage tactics, or killing techniques etc.). As it was, training was hard enough. The top CIA trainers had authorized the use of psychotropic drugs in the hope they may hypnotize Bill into working for them. The results were unexpected. Bill developed a taste for the drugs and the CIA discovered he would do just about anything for them. So the kept him in a constant supply and he went on to become one of their top operatives. After a while, experimenting a little led Bill onto the use of cocaine instead of the psychotropic drugs. Snorting high grade cocaine through the nostrils on the top of his sensitive bill was a pleasure most humans never come close to experiencing.

Bill sighed a sigh of fulfillment. A platypus didn't ask for much in life, and Bill got much more than most (how many platypus get to take drugs for example, or how many have apartments - and how Bill came about the apartment really is a story in itself). As the Jacuzzi bubbled around him, Bill closed his eyes and thought back to the nest, and his childhood. He could still remember his mothers face. A kindly bill, big brown loving eyes and plump friendly cheeks. At times Bill reflected on how things could have been, and he often wondered what became of his mother. He imagined she was distressed for a few hours looking for him and Jack, before going to find a mate for another brood (she was a platypus after all, and lamenting isn't one of their strong suits). Bill knew that life at the nest couldn't have given him all the CIA had. Yet he still wondered if he would have been happy.

Bill opened his eyes to a world in a nice shade of yellow floating on clouds (this was more because of the pollution than the drugs). Man that was good stuff. Bill shook his head clear and looked at his watch. Four thirty. He was meeting Sebastian (his 'main man' as Sebastian liked to put it) in thirty minutes to stock up for the week. Bill stood up and got out of the Jacuzzi. A minute under the hand-dryer in the bathroom later, and Bill was ready to set off. Using a remote control, Bill electrified his door with 10,000 volts as he closed it behind him (a minor safety precaution). Wearing an Indiana Jones type hat, and Men In Black type 'shades', Bill stepped out of his apartment building into the summer sunshine. Passing unnoticed on the streets didn't seem to be difficult for Bill. It never was. Who expected a platypus wearing a hat and sunglasses to be walking through the streets of London? People only ever saw what they wanted to see, so he was either a funny child, a dwarf person, or he sparked a conversation like:
‘Did you see something?’
‘I don't think so mate. Did you read that new Terry Pratchett book?’
‘Nah, those alternate world books are too silly for me’.

Bill stood in the alley, silently watching Sebastian's approach.
'You're late' said Bill in a squawking, yet threatening, platypus voice, with just a hint of an Australian accent.
'Heeey Bill, chill. You know I was gonna show. I mean heeey, I'm yer main man. I always got the goods'. Sebastian was a New Yorker living in England.
Fish out of water. Sore thumb. Inappropriate expressions for Sebastian. In fact, people may well start using the expression – “like Sebastian in England” instead, and wonder where it came from.
Wearing pants that hang well below the acceptable 'butt-line' just isn't quite inconspicuous enough for a real drug dealer, but since he helped out the police whenever he could (which was when he physically could, since if he wouldn't, Bill would see that he physically couldn't, if you follow) he managed to "evade police capture".
Something about the homicidally annoyed look that Bill wore rubbed off on Sebastian, as he quickly pulled a little package out of his oversized pocket.
'Here ya go little dude' said Sebastian while nodding and smiling in such a way that one might wonder if he realized where he was and what he was smiling at. In fact that was something that Sebastian often wondered himself, although he found it hurt less if he tried not to think about it.
Bill handed an envelope to Sebastian, and departed back down the alley before his patience dissolved.

Halfway down the alley, Bill heard the screech of brakes from behind him. At the end of the alley behind him a black van had stopped a few metres from Sebastian. The side door was thrown open and gunfire erupted from inside. Sebastian had no chance (except according to "Chaos Theory" which meant about as much to Sebastian as it did to all the other dead Sebastians in the multiverse). Bill however was the real target.
With lightning speed Bill had vaulted off a dumpster in the alley onto a fire-escape ladder on the side of a building. Beside the ladder was a window and in almost the same movement he threw himself from the ladder, through the window smashing the glass ahead of him. Landing on the wooden floor of what appeared to be a shop storeroom Bill righted himself rather gingerly, after having to take the window headfirst. The building ran parallel to the alley and came to an end with a window overlooking the black van. Bill sprinted to the window and looked out. The van was right beneath him. A swift kick smashed the glass.

To a bystander what follows would have been an amazing sight. Above a black van, a window smashed. A small dark shape flew out from the window, landing on the roof of the van, descended the side and entering through the window. The van rocked violently for about thirty seconds with shouts and screams of terror and pain and the sound of gunfire, before the black shape (though now slightly red) emerged and walked towards a pay phone.