I'm 2 nice...

LegacyUser

The latest scenario is that my ex of 4 years told me that the fire in our relationship had gone because I was always reliable, dependable and treated him with respect and it just wasn't exciting that way. Some friends have pulled the p*** on occasion, borrowin money and not paying it back, assuming i won't say anything (i kno we mite be talkin 20/30 euro here but it still counts...).People know that i find it hard to say no to their requests and im an easy target. I feel I've had enough with being walked all over. I was brought up to be a nice person and feel it is against my nature to change although there is a point where it has to stop.How do I make the change?

Beruthiel

Emma H wrote:

The latest scenario is that my ex of 4 years told me that the fire in our relationship had gone because I was always reliable, dependable and treated him with respect and it just wasn't exciting that way.

that's got to be the saddest, weakest, bullsh!t of an excuse I've heard in a while. Would he prefer you treated him like sh!t?
have you asked him that?

I was brought up to be a nice person and feel it is against my nature to change although there is a point where it has to stop.How do I make the change?

Learn to say no.
You can still be a nice person and say no. People respect you if you stand up for yourself and walk all over you when you don't.

Gordon

Emma H wrote:

How do I make the change?

By having a good hard think about what the problem is and why.

Once you realise that these people are taking advantage of you (the answer to 'what the problem is') because they have little respect for your friendship [possibly] (the answer to 'why') then things will start clicking into place.

You can be a nice person without being walked over.

hepcat

There's a difference between being a walk-over and being nice, you know. Assert yourself, and have the gumption to insist on getting that 20 or 30 Euro back. Once you start doing it, you'll find it easier to be assertive in other areas. Don't think you're being nice by letting people walk all over you - a lot of ppl would find this trait distinctly off-putting.

manonthemoon

Dont Change.

There are enough w*****s in this world without one of the good people trying to be like them.

CoolGuy2006

Dont change.

Its other people who have the attitude problem. Just be careful who you give money to in the future.

Stay cool, believe me, there are people out there who will respect you the way you are. Just be yourself.

Maybe try meet some new people who dont as you say "walk all over you"

hullaballoo

Assert yourself when you feel put out. Just say it to people that they've annoyed you when they have. It's hard at first, but you'll find that people have a lot more respect for you when you do. Then it becomes much much easier.

I had a similar problem once, and then just decided that I'd had enough and wasn't going to take siht. I've never had any problems since that haven't been dealt with by saying, "don't talk to me like that/do that again", or something like that. You can just leave it simple and people will stop it.

Paladin

I was recently 'seeing' a girl (few dates) that I ended things with because she was too nice. It wasnt a personality flaw. It just means there is someone else for her, Im not the guy.

If the fire was gone in the relationship then whats a guy to do? Knuckle down and work? Its not a goddamn exam.

If you are a nice person people will like you. You cant go feeling self conscious for being too nice. Sure some guys dont want that, but then if you were bitchy some guys wouldnt want that. No matter who you are you cant please everyone. You are however, who you are.

And I applaud the ex-boyfriend for ending a relationship he didnt have any passion for, rather than ****ing up your life by sticking it out in a relationship he didnt want, regardless of whether his honesty is appreciated by moderators. Maybe he shouldnt have been so honest.

DublinWriter

People always wipe their feet on anything with 'Welcome' written on it.

jesus_thats_gre

sound like a nice girl but sometimes you are unlucky. you will come across someone who will treat you the same..

Boggle

Thrill of the chase and all that... If he feels he has to work to keep you he'll work his ass off for you and be grateful for the chance. If your too nice and subsequently do all the runnin he'll feel he "has you" and no longer care about looking after you... Hence the excitement goes and it all gets boring.

Same can be applied to women in similar circumstances.

Either fcuk off for a few days, dump him with a view to letting him earn you back or just move on and find someone who wants to be in a proper relationship.

(And stop being a doormat - at least learn to pretend to lose your cool every now and again.)

Sam Vimes

don't make the mistake that some overly passive people do when they try to change. they start to think that screaming and shouting and generally being a pr!ck is the only way to get what they want. just learn to say no. that way you'll keep your friends and still get what you want

Static M.e.

Didnt read anyone else's post. So sorry if this has been said before.

Your Ex is an ass**** what a BS excuse.

Do you know how hard it is to find someone like you who is reliable, dependable and treats people with respect. I think you should stay exactly the way you are.

Why should you change? Infact actually what I would change is your friends, or maybe your attitude towards your friends, if they borrow money ask them for it back. If they keep putting it off STOP lending them money. Learn to say No if they cant appreciate that, drop them. Thats like friends 101

No one will take you seriously if you keep letting people away with it. My friends and I borrow money off each other all the time, due to various circumstances but you ALWAYS pay it back.

Anyway enough of my ramblings, bottom line dont change being nice, just dont be a push over. Take yourself more seriously

muppetkiller

I've gone through this before and it's very disheartening.
At least if you had been a bit#h you could see some logic in it.

The simple fact is don't change. Nobody breaks up with someone after 4 years with that excuse..there's obviously another reason. If it had been 4 months then maybe.

be nice to yourself too

Kell

Emma H wrote:

How do I make the change?

The fact that you feel treated unfairly means you have an unrealistic view of your relationship with these people. You can be guaranteed they dont think they are taking the píss.

Now all you have to do is re-adjust your perspective, appreciate some people are perhaps wánkers, or worse and treat them accordingly. It gets easy when you work out what people "are" as opposed to what you would like to see in them. Stupidly, most people give others the benefit of the doubt rather than deciding very quickly "they are a fúcker". Thats why there are so many people on PI's that dont actually have any "actual" problems when they think they do.

You only get hurt from things when you havent the right perception of reality. Remember that. After that, everything is easy.

K-

pbsuxok1znja4r

manonthemoon wrote:

Dont Change.

There are enough w*****s in this world without one of the good people trying to be like them.

I completely agree. The best thing you can do is show you have the balls to remain unashamedly nice in the face of such disrespect from others. If you try to change then you are only contuining to accomodate them.

90% of the time I'm loud, arrogant, obnoxious and smug, but amittedly I do have an underlying 'nice' streak which, I have, on occasion, been rebuked over by my friends. I told them I didn't care who thought I was over-accomodating because I knew that when I needed not to be; I wasn't. For me, the 'niceness' is harder to achieve than being selfish. So to an extent I would pride myself on it.

If you're secure enough in your own estimation of yourself then it won't matter in the least to you if people think you are so nice as to be a pushover.

jesus_thats_gre

This is not that hard to solve.. There is nothing wrong with treating someone well. You just got to know where to draw the line and eventually you will know when and how to do this.

metrovelvet

Emma H wrote:

assuming i won't say anything (i kno we mite be talkin 20/30 euro here but it still counts...).People know that i find it hard to say no to their requests and im an easy target. ?

What has led them to assume that? Is it because you dont say anything?

You sound like your apologising for wanting your money back.

What has you afraid to say no? Are you worried they wont like you?

Emma H wrote:

I feel I've had enough with being walked all over. I was brought up to be a nice person and feel it is against my nature to change although there is a point where it has to stop.How do I make the change?

There is a scale of consideration, respect, enabling, and subservience. It stops with you and where you decide where to draw the line. Sometimes its not easy being the bad guy, but sometimes its the right thing to do.

Spliffany692000

I cant beleive it...it was only lastnight I posted something simular to your problem its called friends treating you like crap...Iv got some great advise from peeps on mine. If your nice your nice and you cant help it. I wish I knew what to say or give some advise but Im in the same boat!

So I guess the only comfort I can offer is to let you know your not alone x

lostexpectation

Paladin wrote:

I was recently 'seeing' a girl (few dates) that I ended things with because she was too nice. It wasnt a personality flaw. It just means there is someone else for her, Im not the guy.

If the fire was gone in the relationship then whats a guy to do? Knuckle down and work? Its not a goddamn exam.

And I applaud the ex-boyfriend for ending a relationship he didnt have any passion for, rather than ****ing up your life by sticking it out in a relationship he didnt want, regardless of whether his honesty is appreciated by moderators. Maybe he shouldnt have been so honest.

why wouldn't her report of his honesty be not appreciated by the moderators

could I ask more about this girl who was too nice, you used the word passion later, would being a bit more passionate about everything help a girl who is too respectful?

Bottle_of_Smoke

Emma H wrote:

The latest scenario is that my ex of 4 years told me that the fire in our relationship had gone because I was always reliable, dependable and treated him with respect and it just wasn't exciting that way. Some friends have pulled the p*** on occasion, borrowin money and not paying it back, assuming i won't say anything (i kno we mite be talkin 20/30 euro here but it still counts...).People know that i find it hard to say no to their requests and im an easy target. I feel I've had enough with being walked all over. I was brought up to be a nice person and feel it is against my nature to change although there is a point where it has to stop.How do I make the change?

I get the impression you're constantly worried people wont like you. Kind of subconscious but when you put up with sh|t it's like you think doing that will make them like you.

Your boyfriend thinks he didn't love you because you're too nice. But you're only extra nice because you think you'll be liked for it. I'd say the reason he doesn't love you is you won't be yourself. Just someone you think will be liked for being good to people.

So basically, be yourself, if something is hassle for you then don't do it. try three months where you don't do anything for anyone unless it's really essential. Don't become a bitch, don't become embittered & read a book on human psychology - your problem is usually caused by parents who make their child feel like he or she is only loved when they behave in a certain way. Were your parents the type who put pressure on you to achieve in exams or push you into sports, piano etc?

chump

Beruthiel wrote:

that's got to be the saddest, weakest, bullsh!t of an excuse I've heard in a while. Would he prefer you treated him like sh!t?
have you asked him that?

Why is that?
Because the fire in their relationship had burned out because things were too predictable and there was no spontanaity or danger?

Surely you're old enough to know that men often like thrills and spills and danger and excitement and some edginess.

He mightn't have phrased it very well, but it's a very valid reason to end a relationship...

chump

chump wrote:

Why is that?
Because the fire in their relationship had burned out because things were too predictable and there was no spontanaity or danger?

Surely you're old enough to know that men often like thrills and spills and danger and excitement and some edginess.

He mightn't have phrased it very well, but it's a very valid reason to end a relationship...

If you're really young, maybe...

Anyway I think the OP said that he said *she* was too predictable, not things...

chump

bluewolf wrote:

Anyway I think the OP said that he said *she* was too predictable, not things...

I take your point on the 'young' caveat, but your above comment is a contradiction in itself.
Someone can only be considered predictable (or not) by the things they do.

I'm pretty sure you can't be predictable if you do unpredictable things

chump

chump wrote:

I take your point on the 'young' caveat, but your above comment is a contradiction in itself.
Someone can only be considered predictable (or not) by the things they do.

I'm pretty sure you can't be predictable if you do unpredictable things

Unless you're predictable for being unpredictable.
Mm, I did originally have a point to the she/things, I'll edit this when I remember

LegacyUser

basically i get taken advantage of like yourself because im too nice to people. it usually means that the fella im with thinks im crazy about him even for just being nice and considerate and usually leaves him feeling guilty for not treating me the exact same way until he's ready. there is a whole sterotype where guys like dangerous women where they dont know where they stand and like a feeling of wanting what isnt exactly sitting in their lap. i think thats crap though, once they are let down by women like this a few times they grow up and see the virtue in being caring, considerate and nice. bad girls just arnt meant for long term.
but this guy sounds like a prick tbh. the type of person you are is someone who people feel safe with and if its the unexpected turbulant relationship he's after yet him have it. he clearly likes a bit of drama and sure who says you need to be aloof and dangerous to be fun. you can still be unpredictable in the sense you can surprise him. just because he feels safe doesnt mean you are boring. move on and let this dramaqueen fella go out of your mind.
maybe you both werent trying hard enough to keep things interesting for eachother and thats something to think about nxt time round. it doesnt have to be hard work you should enjoy it.

Brend

I used to be a bit like thta but i travelled for a year and the one thing i learned is you have to be a little bit selfish in this world, do what is right for you. You dont have to be a cu*t, you can still be really nice person but just be firm. If people owe you money ask for it back and dont give money to people who are not going to give it back.

jonny68

I have found that it's usually birds who have this problem whereas the bloke is too nice and after a while they get sick of it and are ultimately looking for a bad boy type geezer,ive learned the hard way myself and have changed my ways thankfully with good success as well.

This guy sounds like a complete muppet and your better off without someone like that.