ramble -

LegacyUser

I wrote this this morning.

I needed to vent it for public opinion.

It's not a poem, just thoughts off the top of my head.

It's not a good day.

Lately I have been feeling nervous. I am nervous of people, of my relationships. I am afraid to talk, in case people judge me. The one thing that I am attached to thinking, is that I have to be accepted. It is painful to think that nobody likes you. I don’t think that I am that bad a person that no one will like me, but I think the term is, I won’t come out of my shell, and express myself freely, without worrying what people think constantly. Repressed feelings are crowding in the back of my mind. I have doubts about my ability in all areas, emotional, technical doubts about myself.

It’s hard to be honest here. I try to make out that I am relaxed and confident, but when I am asked a question, I feel a deep fear that what I say will make me look really bad. I try to be competent, and answer the questions succinctly, but usually without humour, or any real empathy. I don’t like being like this, but I have developed these habitual tendencies over time.

One thing that I have inside, is that I don’t think I love my girlfriend anymore. I mean, I am not sure. I am confused. She is a great person; kind, strong minded, sensible, funnyish, she has a good job too.

But I just don’t really care about our relationship anymore. Is this normal? I don’t want to make love, I don’t feel like it at all. I loose my temper with her easily, and I really don’t listen to what she is saying to me. I really feel bad that I am acting like this towards her. I want to be thoughtful and kind towards her, but I just can’t force myself. I really feel like a terrible boyfriend at the moment.

A man who doesn't feel like a man. Less of a man, than a runt of a litter. The heart is dark with the sharpened feeling of isolation, surrounding the cerebral cortex. More and more it feels like I am cutting off, cutting off, to protect myself, at the same time i am dying. Life is escaping from me, time again, second by second. I keep everyone at two arms-length, to keep them from seeing the real inside of me. If they see my soul I will be ****ed! But, I know that my soul is pure, so I need to stop the function of my brain that keeps me down, it allies with my enemies. I keep saving up all my dorment positive qualities until the day I am awakened, but If I am not shook, then how can I wake up?
Darkness and despair swathes around my physical head and whisps off my arms as I walk. I feel the deep foreboding in my stomach, and lower. Below the belly. How can I pretend to be happier than most when I am sadder than? I have as much confidence in myself as a jew standing in front of a nazi firing squad. My 'lover' will be so upset, or will she? I think she has fallen out of love, that is, if she ever was in love with me. I can't blame her. I don't give her the right attention she deserves. Her whining bothers me. She can really hurt the mind of me sometimes.

tbh

talk to your girlfriend? I think you are going through what nearly everyone goes through at some time in their lives. It doesn't make you a bad person. relax! its a lovely sunny day, and you're alive. It's enough to be going on with

Tobias Greeshman

From reading your post you come across as a very unconfident and nervous individual. That seems to be the root of your problems, the blaming of yourself and regarding your brain causing you pain, etc. You need to stop being so hard on yourself and stop thinking so much how other people will perceive you. If you can achieve that then you'll begin to notice yourself being more confident around people.

As for your relationship with your gf, how about try a add some spark back into your relationship and going away for a weekend together. Getting away from everything can sometimes do a relationship a world of good. If you aren't prepared to do anything nice for your gf (treat her in some way) and you really feel you no longer lover her, then don't you think it's about time you cut the poor girl loose?