What am I doing Wrong

LegacyUser

Ok I am not going to whinge about this but I need some advice, or maybe just reasurrance. I haven't had a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks in over three years. The relationship that I had before that was horrible, I lost all of my friends because I thought all I needed was him, thick I know. He was very controlling, I didn't have a life but eventually saw sense. I was very young too. Anyway I would love to have a boyfriend now as a lot of my friends are starting to settle down etc, I am not panicking as such because I am still young but I just don't know why I don't attract decent fellas. I went through a phase of being a bit of a sl*t but that was because I had very low self-esteem and when I was drunk I loved the attention. I am an attractive girl with a really good personality but I think I still feel conscious of myself. I still only feel confident around men when I am drunk but I need to find fellas that want more than just one night with me, am I just giving out the wrong vibes, any help would be appreciated, I don't want to reach the "Desperate" stage.

MW

I've been through a very similar few years and I am still single. I decided to get my life together and so should you. I would like a boyfriend but I'm sure the right fella will come along (fingers crossed).

azezil

Going out and getting drunk isn't going to attract decent guys.
Sort your own head out first, if you look like a victim you'll attract those who'll victimize you, concentrate on you, when you're happy it'll shine through and you'll be in a better position to judge the character of your would-be wooer

The Hill Billy

You're not necessarily doing anything wrong - you're just not doing the right things.

If you think that drinking leads you to meeting the wrong kind of guys - then you need to put yourself in social situations where there's little or no drink. For example, night out to the cinema with workmates (if you fancy any of them) - may a drink or two afterwards without getting blotto.

The right guy will come along. Best of luck!

Femelade

i'm in the exact same situation.
i have recenltly stopped going to my local as its just the same ding dong there, got in contact with old friends recently and starting to meet up with them and their friends, which forms new friendships which is also good.

i also took up a sport, i guy i know is involved so i am going to make some friends from that too no doubt, who also have friends...etc.

the best thing to do is get out of old habits and places, get out, join a club, meet up with old friends..thats how you meet people.

now i am still single, but i think i am more positive about it now..and hopefully find someone in time...

observer

i think that an extremely good thing for all girls to have is a male friend who will look out for her. the male train of thought is so far removed from the females that it is always good to get both points of view cos and you heard it here first " you girls do not always give good advice!"

a great idea would be to cut out the drink for a while! seriously! then if you still need booze to have a good time well you should talk to someone cos alcoholism is not about drinking too much its about relying on it.

now for your confidence. you were doing something wrong in acting like a sl*t and no decent guy will touch a girl who's been around the block! but if its a phase it will be forgotten so its not a issue anymore! TIME IS A GREAT HEALER!

so i would look around you and see where your close companions are and stick with them for a while till you regain some confidence! now they can be your sistr brother etc. i know people in similiar positions and i try to look out for them from afar! its amazing what chatting about nothing can do! there is someone for someone everywhere!

now there's a guys perspective.

Sony

All the decent blokes I know go out on the weekend in town etc so maybe youre just talking to the wrong fella's??

observer

observer wrote:

you were doing something wrong in acting like a sl*t and no decent guy will touch a girl who's been around the block!

Do you think the reverse is true?

To the OP: my best friend complains about the same thing. Problem is, she meets a lot of guys by going to clubs and getting quite drunk.
Clubs are not usually a good place to meet someone for a good long relationship. Take up hobbies etc.

kittenkiller

Do you have any male friends that are just friends?
Sometimes this is a good starting point on the road to meeting decent guys in a sober enough environment.
It'll also help you realise that you don't need to shove your baps in a blokes face & jump into his bed to get his attention which can end up being a boost of confidence initself.

Relax, don't worry, we've all had our fair share of the wrong type of men.
Most of your friends that are settlind down right now probably won't be inthe same situation in a few years. There's no rush.

Jumpy

Try chatting up someone yourself.
It really doesnt seem to get through to a lot of women that the ones that are constantly at you and trying to get down your throats are not the ones you should be looking for. The reason a lot of girls seem to meet pr*cks is the fact that they take the easy way out and let them do all the talking. Go for someone who is not obviously after one thing, pick someone who interests you and just start talking, if he likes you the conversation will go further. Stop waiting for them to come to you, generally the one who will chase you down on the dance floor or not leave you alone in the smoking area is NOT the person you need waste time with.

manonthemoon

"Well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you"

- Alice in Wonderland

kittex

I was in a long term relationship which ended badly too. I was
single for years after that, dating losers with nothing lasting longer than a month.
My advice is - you won't find a guy who appreciates you for you, while you are looking for a guy just for a relationship. If your criteria for a fella is that he likes you, that doesn't leave you much to discrimminate. You will end up with a bad match.

Take the time of being single to have a good think about what kind of person you want in your life. Then, rather than just looking for a person and hoping they fit, you can start to look for these qualities in a guy. Also to spot the unsuitables a mile away and waste less time on them.

I think though, you really need to be happier within yourself, be more OK with being alone - basically being you. You don't need a relationship to complete you, it's a bonus. And when you're happier in yourself, you make better decisions generally.

LegacyUser

I just want to thank you all for your help. I will try and be patient, and more confident in myself, because I am a nice girl that deserves more. On the hobbies thing, I have joined a gym and there's quite a few nice "looking" blokes there, but I won't rush into anything, I will take my time and get to know them first (if I get to speak to them in between panting on the treadmill) and I have guys that are friends but I've known them all for years, I just need to get some new guy friends I think. Thanks again people!