What to do next ?

LegacyUser

Decided to go unregged for this as want to keep it private-ish !

Basically had an arguement with my girlfriend on Sat. night. I did nothing wrong but she seen it differently. Spoke to her on Monday she apologised and said she was out of order and that the reason for the arguement is because she wants me to commit to her.

I was shocked as didn't see it coming at all. We been seeing each other for 7 years living together for 3. I have from day 1 told her I am not the marrying type and can never see myself marrying anyone. I just don't see the point and not a religious person so don't see why I should get married in a church.

She said at the time I was younger and that I would most likely change my mind as I got older which I agreed as it was possible.
So I told her I wouldn't do it just to keep her happy as I see it as a waste of time. So she/we came to the conclusion we are finished.

I really don't want to finish our relationship as thought everything was fine and dandy and going in a nice direction (but obivously I was wrong). I am stuck I don't know how I can hold on to her as she wants different things to me.

I love her but don't want to feel pressured into getting married just because she wants to and to keep her happy.I cannot see anyway around this.

Maybe I should just let her move on and get what she wants in life ?

Confused

Beruthiel

Shocked wrote:

She said at the time I was younger and that I would most likely change my mind as I got older which I agreed as it was possible.

and that's were your problem lies, you gave her enough hope to think that it would possibly happen. Some women require marriage, it proves to them that they are the only one for you, it's a way of showing your love. If she/you want to have children then it's another reason to get married.


So I told her I wouldn't do it just to keep her happy as I see it as a waste of time

I know that you said you're not interested, it's just a piece of paper after all, but what exactly has you so against it?
Do you feel you are loosing your 'freedom'?
Can you explain exactly why?
I have my reasons, and they are solid for me. What are yours?

So she/we came to the conclusion we are finished.

then she really needs this

I am stuck I don't know how I can hold on to her as she wants different things to me.

besides the marriage, what else does she want that's different?

Maybe I should just let her move on and get what she wants in life ?

if what she want's is so totally different to you, then yes, you should

killswitch

marraige = less tax bud
u dont have to do it in a church...go to the registry office or some ****....if she wants to get married she is gonna have to start compromising right>?

Miss Fluff

Shocked wrote:

I really don't want to finish our relationship as thought everything was fine and dandy and going in a nice direction

What direction did you see it going in?

biko

Well, if she really wants it and it's all the same to you then why not marry her? You should consider the real reasons you do not want marrige after going with her 7 years.

"I just don't see the point" and "as I see it as a waste of time" just don't cut it...

"I really don't want to finish our relationship"
"I love her but don't want to feel pressured into getting married just because she wants to and to keep her happy".

Well, you can choose between loosing her and doing something that will not have a major impact on your life, except you pride will be a little tarnished - in your own eyes only.

Cianos

Girls love nice weddings, maybe you should just do it and be glad to do it out of your love for her, whether you "see the point" or not. The point is to make her happy:)

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

and that's were your problem lies, you gave her enough hope to think that it would possibly happen. Some women require marriage, it proves to them that they are the only one for you, it's a way of showing your love. If she/you want to have children then it's another reason to get married.


So I told her I wouldn't do it just to keep her happy as I see it as a waste of time

I know that you said you're not interested, it's just a piece of paper after all, but what exactly has you so against it?
Do you feel you are loosing your 'freedom'?
Can you explain exactly why?
I have my reasons, and they are solid for me. What are yours?

So she/we came to the conclusion we are finished.

then she really needs this

I am stuck I don't know how I can hold on to her as she wants different things to me.

besides the marriage, what else does she want that's different?

Maybe I should just let her move on and get what she wants in life ?

if what she want's is so totally different to you, then yes, you should

First of all Thank you for replying. I appreciate it alot.

Yes you are right I did give her hope once a long time ago but nothing has changed in my mind so did not give her any ideas that I had changed my mind.

Q1.What exactly has you so against it?
A1. I really love her and don't need to prove it to anyone else by getting married.Seen way too many unhappy married people while growing up too hasn't helped.I don't feel like I am losing freedom as am/was very happy in the situation I am in so wouldn't change if I got married.


Q2.Besides the marriage, what else does she want that's different?
A2. Children and I don't.

Beruthiel

Shocked wrote:

Q2.Besides the marriage, what else does she want that's different?
A2. Children and I don't.

well now, put the marriage talk aside, this is the real issue I'm afraid.

If you don't want kids and she does, this should have been discussed in the first year of your relationship. To have left it this long is very sad for you both, she won't change her mind on this I'm guessing, some women have a very strong, deep urge/need to have children, (I've never had it so can't explain, but I have heard other women discuss it, no amount of talk will change their minds on it).
If she has said she wants kids and you don't, then there's nothing left to be done I'm afraid.
You need to sit down with her and have a good long, honest, calm talk about what you both are looking for in the future.

Kinetic^

Shocked wrote:

Q1.What exactly has you so against it?
A1. I really love her and don't need to prove it to anyone else by getting married.Seen way too many unhappy married people while growing up too hasn't helped.I don't feel like I am losing freedom as am/was very happy in the situation I am in so wouldn't change if I got married.

Hey, I understand where you're coming from, I'm where you were at about 3/4 years ago. I've no interest in marriage (not that it's on the agenda as we're only 23) but I made it clear to her from pretty early in the relationship that I'd no interest in getting married.

I've a work colleague who is the exact same. - she's got 2 kids and a loving partner of several years, she just doesn't see the point but he wants to get married.

To all those people who are saying do it, why should he? He would be forced into doing something that he doesn't want to which will be a bad start to the marriage anyway.

As for her wanting kids, maybe she doesn't want to have them outside of wedlock?

Talliesin

Beruthiel wrote:

well now, put the marriage talk aside, this is the real issue I'm afraid.

Yes. Marriage isn't forever (it just seems like it's taking forever when you're arranging separation) but if you become a father you're going to remain one for the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

Shocked wrote:

Decided to go unregged for this as want to keep it private-ish !

Basically had an arguement with my girlfriend on Sat. night. I did nothing wrong but she seen it differently. Spoke to her on Monday she apologised and said she was out of order and that the reason for the arguement is because she wants me to commit to her.
[...]
I really don't want to finish our relationship as thought everything was fine and dandy and going in a nice direction (but obivously I was wrong). I am stuck I don't know how I can hold on to her as she wants different things to me.

I love her but don't want to feel pressured into getting married just because she wants to and to keep her happy.I cannot see anyway around this.

Maybe I should just let her move on and get what she wants in life ?

Confused

I sympathise. I'm in a similar situation, though not for commitment reasons. If you differ on such huge issues after 7 years, I think it's time to call it a day. Walking away from a relationship with a person you love isn't easy, but unless you're willing to change your views it's the only option if you want to make her happy (long term). At the moment you have everything you want, the relationship, no marriage, no kids, but she's missing a lot of what she wants.

Be the bigger person. Let us know what happens.

Miss Fluff

Such a sad situation

Unfortunately it's a very black and white situation with no real room for compromise when you want such different things. It's unfair to instill false hope in either party. Unfortunately a common thing among women is that they are CONVINCED they'll be the one to change a bloke and it just never happens like that. You seem pretty certain about what you want too and when it's so vastly different it's time to sit down and call it a day. Good luck mate. Very hard ending something when you still love the person.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies.
I currently don't want to have children but think I would do in the future and thats the truth. I can not be any clearer or specific on times as I don't know myself. I wish I could turn around and say in 2 years time would be perfect or something to that effect but I can't and don't want to give false hope.

I told her that at the start when we stated getting serious and with my younger brothers and sisters started having children she thought I would instinctly want to do the same and start a family.

We are having a chat tonight where we can discuss more about this. But if she really wants children there is no way I would stand in her way.She needs to move on as I cannot provide her with the needs that she wants.

LegacyUser

Cianos wrote:

Girls love nice weddings, maybe you should just do it and be glad to do it out of your love for her, whether you "see the point" or not. The point is to make her happy:)

I know you are trying to help but I think that is the reason why there is so many marraige break up's at the moment !!!! I could only see this being a bad thing really.

Its not all women are set against "changing" a man to do what they want.
Its the woman hoping he loves her enough to make her happy, whether its children married or any compromise that is to do with relationships.

You have to evaluate whether you want kids otherwise you'll loose her forever!
But to be honest it sounds like your not ready for Marriage or Children so walk away!

Oriel

You appear to be the problem here. Stop planning everything out. "I want this" "I don't want that". Just go with the flow, and see what life brings. You might be infertile, who knows?

metrovelvet

Shocked wrote:

She said at the time I was younger and that I would most likely change my mind as I got older which I agreed as it was possible..

So you've been stringing her along.... doesn't sound so loving.

Shocked wrote:

So I told her I wouldn't do it just to keep her happy as I see it as a waste of time. ..

Whereas 7 years of giving someone false hope is a productive use of a womans time, who by the way has much less time to fiddle with in these matters.

Shocked wrote:

I really don't want to finish our relationship as thought everything was fine and dandy and going in a nice direction (but obivously I was wrong). ..

Of course you dont. Why would you? You're getting everything you want from it.

Shocked wrote:

I love her but don't want to feel pressured into getting married just because she wants to and to keep her happy.I cannot see anyway around this...

You love her. You don't love her enough to win over your fear in the fear and love tug of war. Let her go. Show some kindness. If this is something she wants and needs then you need to let her find it elsewhere. Consider it your last act of generosity and set her free. Its perhaps the most loving thing you can do.

pbsuxok1znja4r

If she wants kids and you don't then it's as simple as that TBH. Don't waste any more time thinking about all the time you've already wasted. Though I suspect anyone would eventually come to regret making a desicion like yours. I've always believed you're not a fully grown man until you've raised children.

...Anyway, she deserves a quick, clean break by the sounds of it. Marriage may be "about compromise", but having children is not one of the things one can realistically compromise on.

The Corinthian

Shocked wrote:

I was shocked as didn't see it coming at all. We been seeing each other for 7 years living together for 3. I have from day 1 told her I am not the marrying type and can never see myself marrying anyone.

Nah, that’s not true. I’ve pulled the same stunt myself; tell them I’m not the type to settle down, but give them just enough hope that they can change you. When they finally begin to make open demands you can just throw up your hands and claim that they were forewarned.

And that’s what you did; you built a life with her, shared a home, probably familial ties and all the rest. Now you’re pointing out the small print that says that it meant nothing.

I really don't want to finish our relationship as thought everything was fine and dandy and going in a nice direction (but obivously I was wrong).

It would appear that fine and dandy and going in a nice direction was essentially having all the advantages of a marriage without signing on the dotted line, with a future option to go the whole hog on children. This is as fine and dandy and going in a nice direction as you can get; after all, if you get the milk for free, why buy the cow?

I don't feel like I am losing freedom as am/was very happy in the situation I am in so wouldn't change if I got married.

Of course you’re losing freedom. Marriage is a legal commitment; you can’t walk out of it as easily as you are from your seven-year relationship. There are legal and social repulsions if you do. So the situation does change. Significantly.

I currently don't want to have children but think I would do in the future and thats the truth. I can not be any clearer or specific on times as I don't know myself. I wish I could turn around and say in 2 years time would be perfect or something to that effect but I can't and don't want to give false hope.

Ah, so it’s not that you don’t want children. It’s that you want them on your timetable.

We are having a chat tonight where we can discuss more about this. But if she really wants children there is no way I would stand in her way.She needs to move on as I cannot provide her with the needs that she wants.

You’re rationalizing the break-up as being best for her. To a degree that is also correct, but that’s ultimately not your motivation.

You don’t appear ready to settle down and she does. That’s the bottom line. Everything else, allegedly being open about being against marriage, the question of children, personal freedom, etc., is just rationalisation on your part. Excuses.

The problem is that depending upon your age, this may be a decision you’ll regret. You may be ready to settle down in two years and find that she’s no longer there. As much as I’m sure you would have wanted to let the matter meander for a few more years before biting the bullet, you are now at a crossroads that will shape the rest of your life.

If you don’t want to commit for the wrong reasons, all well and good - but don’t run away from it for all the wrong reasons either.

BoozyBabe

Sorry, I'm in a mad rush so can't add too much for now, but if you don't mind me asking:- what age are you?

LegacyUser

30 years old.

chump

Shocked wrote:

I just don't see the point and not a religious person so don't see why I should get married in a church.

I really don't want to finish our relationship as thought everything was fine and dandy and going in a nice direction (but obivously I was wrong). I am stuck I don't know how I can hold on to her as she wants different things to me.

I love her

Maybe I should just let her move on and get what she wants in life ?

Why don't you marry her?
You don't have a great objection about it. It would make her feel very happy. You love her. You've been together for a long time. It's her dream to get married. Is it your dream not to get married? Or is it just that you're not really puched about getting married?

TBH if it's the latter and as you say you love her, and are living with her, and all that - why don't you just do this one thing that will make her very happy?

Forgetting all other issues, children included, how would you feel if tomorrow she left you and never spoke/saw you again and you heard 5 years down the line that she was married and just had her first child?

cupsoftea

It will be very hard for your girlfriend , if she loves you, to walk away from you if she knows that you want to have children in the future (just not now). I think you know this. You just want to be free to walk away guilt free if/ when it all gets too much for you.

meowCat

I think she has already noticed that she is not getting what she needs. Otherwise you would not have had that initial fight.

I think it is very sad that after 7 years of a relationship and you being 30, you see yourself uncapable of marrying her; especially as you have known that this and children is what she has always wanted.

Giving her what she needs or letting her go are both acts of kindness. Choose which one you could live with easiest. But after 7 years of stringing her along, she at least deserves an act of kindness now!

Elessar

Don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do/are not sure of.

Doing it "just to please her" is heading straight for trouble. Look out for no. 1, don't regret doing something you dont want to just because you don't want her to leave you.

Like a lot of women, she wants babies and nothing you say will ever change this primal need. But with major decisions like this you have to think with your head, not your heart.

Let her go, if marriage/children are more important to her than you are then it's for the best. You also have to respect your own wants and needs.

Civilian_Target

I think Corinthian's offered you some extremely sound advice here. You need to get a grip of yourself, and evaluate the real reasons not to marry her and have kids, and if you say no to this, whether you'll regret it in the medium term.

Lets face it, if you turn this opportunity down now it may never occur again. Are you happy to live with the possibility that such a thing might happen?

Kingp35

chump wrote:

Why don't you marry her?
You don't have a great objection about it. It would make her feel very happy. You love her. You've been together for a long time. It's her dream to get married. Is it your dream not to get married? Or is it just that you're not really puched about getting married?

TBH if it's the latter and as you say you love her, and are living with her, and all that - why don't you just do this one thing that will make her very happy?

Forgetting all other issues, children included, how would you feel if tomorrow she left you and never spoke/saw you again and you heard 5 years down the line that she was married and just had her first child?

Why should he do something he doesnt want to do? Lets swing the argument around, why doesnt she change her mind about marriage and not want to get married to keep him happy?

If you dont want to get married then dont listen to these people telling you to do it anyway because it will more than likely end in tears. You cant enter into a marriage and expect it to work unless its something you really want.

LegacyUser

Kingp35 wrote:

Why should he do something he doesnt want to do? Lets swing the argument around, why doesnt she change her mind about marriage and not want to get married to keep him happy?

If you dont want to get married then dont listen to these people telling you to do it anyway because it will more than likely end in tears. You cant enter into a marriage and expect it to work unless its something you really want.

Good morning all,

Last night I printed off every comment read them about 100 times each.Each helped in their own way bar 1 or 2.
After speaking to other people she has decided that marriage isn't as big as a deal as she made it out to be so has decided not pursue me on it. She said others told her it wouldn't work if i was doing it just to keep her happy which would lead to trouble in the future.

The children issue :
As I said before I do want to have some but not sure when. She said she only brought up the children issue to see my reaction. She does want some but not for another 3-4 years. She is 26 and her career has really taken off so doesn't want anything to get in the way of that at the moment.

We spoke for hours last night about all the issues raised and I can think we can work things out.

Again thank you to all who helped.

Beruthiel

Shocked wrote:

After speaking to other people she has decided that marriage isn't as big as a deal as she made it out to be so has decided not pursue me on it.

remember one thing though, it will always be in the back of her mind. It seems that she really cares for you and wants you to do this in your own time.
There are lots of ways to get married, the church is only one of many routes.
Neither does it have to cost you a fortune, one of my friends went off to an island off NZ and got married on the beach, that must have been fun.
I am the last person to suggest marriage to anyone btw, those are just some suggestions.

As I said before I do want to have some but not sure when. She said she only brought up the children issue to see my reaction. She does want some but not for another 3-4 years. She is 26 and her career has really taken off so doesn't want anything to get in the way of that at the moment.

As long as you are pretty sure you want kids in the future, in 4 years her body clock will be ticking away nicely and it would be a terrible shame if you were still saying no at that stage.

We spoke for hours last night about all the issues raised and I can think we can work things out.

best of luck!
a

btw TC
great post!

TheVan

Compromise.......

On the marriage front, if she really wants it and, while not against it, you don't see the point, compromise and do a civil ceremony.

On the children front, thats a whole world of ifs buts and maybes and something ye really need to talk about imo

hepcat

Her career is taking off now, but maybe a few years down the road she meets someone else who wants to marry her more than anything, and wants to have kids with her...as compared with someone who said no after 7 years in a relationship. Things change, you know. I'd have a long hard think to yourself about the marriage thing, you might yet regret turning her down. After 7 years, it is normal to want to cement a relationship and declare to everyone that you love each other and that this is "it". If one partner does not want to do this after 7 presumably happy years, it may be a huge disappointment to the other partner. Just because she is not willing to throw away 7 years easily, does not mean she will not do it eventually.

chump

Kingp35 wrote:

Why should he do something he doesnt want to do? Lets swing the argument around, why doesnt she change her mind about marriage and not want to get married to keep him happy?

If you dont want to get married then dont listen to these people telling you to do it anyway because it will more than likely end in tears. You cant enter into a marriage and expect it to work unless its something you really want.

Well my interpretation of the scenario described was that it was more a case of apathy...

And if there is a scenario where your better half really really wants something
And you don't really care
I'd be inclined to do what makes them happy, as if they're happy I'm more likely to be happy.

I hope you can appreciate my POV