Jealousy/Insecurity

LegacyUser

hey all

just want a bit of advice here and please dont flame me, i seriously need some advice in how to deal with me jealousy, ive been seeing my boyfriend for 10 mnths, only a few people know we are 2gether, as he isnt irish, isnt white and my family has a serious problem with it so to avoid any more hassle in both our lives neither of our families know, basically since weve been 2gether ive been very jealous & insecure, he says he loves me (and i love him 2 bits i adore the ground he walks on) but i just cannot understand what he sees in me or why hes with me, i just flip if i even see him speak to another girl where he works, i get so angry then scared hes going to run off and 2 time me or something, we have small arguments over same and he keeps reassuring me that he loves me and only wants me and no one else.

he was away 4 3 nights on training and obviously there was a group of people, he texted me when he was in bed or so he told me, i rang his room and no reply so i waited til he came home and said and he said i didnt tell u i was downstairs with the others cos i knew ud go mad, i got so thick because he had lied and now i know its leading to big problems, is there any way i can get over my jealousy and insecurity before i end up pushing him away totally. sorry to ramble on, thanks in advance

shinners007

you obviously need to have a good think for your self. it comes down to u keeping ur BF or giving into the green eyed monster.

dont think ur BF would be with u this long and telling u he loves u and cheating at the same time.

cut him some slack if the relationship is going great aside from ur insecurities focus on that and allow urself to trust him.

its all about willpower at the end of the day

best of luck

LegacyUser

i never saw the point of jealousy. he's your boyfriend so you have to either trust him or dump him. all this suspicion and worrying and checking up on him isn't healthy and doesn't make for a good relationship.

as someone who's been on the receiving end of a needlessly jealous girlfriend i can tell you that it becomes annoying the 100th time you've had to reassure the girl over a problem that only exists inside her own head.

think about it this way:
A: you can go through your relationship constantly doubting him. you'll damage your own mental health and you'll drive him away

it will end one of two ways:
1. you eventually catch him cheating after months or years of watching his every move. you'll break up and be heartbroken

2. he'll get so annoyed about constantly having to reassure you and justify himself that he'll dump you and you'll end up heart broken



B: you can trust him and have a happy relationship

this will end one of two ways:
1. you eventually find him cheating and you're heartbroken. this ends the same way as the previous option but this way you've had a happy relationship

2. he won't cheat and you'll both live happily ever after.

basically he might cheat, he might not but constantly worrying about it doesn't help anyone

SoupyNorman

OP, you really need to calm down. Tbh if you we're my partner you would be getting your marching orders. If you want the relationship to work you need to start trusting your boyfriend, even if he was cheating on you, you cant just throw out wild aqusations*.

The fact that he actually told you he was not in bed when he said he was leads me to believe that the guy is genuine becasue he could have easily spun some yarn in order to avoid another nag, I in the same situation would have told you to f. off and mind your own business.

Is it the case that when he is away you spend every waking minute thinking about if he is cheating? If so then prepare to lose this fella because it is such an insult to anyone not to be trusted when trustworthy.

Bluebells

I understand how you feel, I suffer from jelously quite badly aswell. It can cause a lot of problems and the only way you can deal with it is together. Its a serious problem and not something you can just turn off. Your boyfriend has to understand it wont be easy and if he loves you he has to except all of you (and viceversa).
It sounds like he's doing the right things, assuring you, telling you he loves you etc. (except for the lieing thing which im sure he had good intensions) but let him away with it and have a fresh start. Always explain things very calmly.
I often feel jelous not because I think my boyfriends going to cheat, but what he's thinking about other girls or how they act around him, even friends.
The more you trust him the less he will feel the need to lie. Tell him (nicely) that you find it hard knowing he is in a situation that women will be there, but that you will try hard to deal with it and you would rather him go out and be honest than lie about it.
It wont be easy for either of you but if you love each other its worth it.
Keep reminding yourself that most of what your thinking you have created and that in reality he has done nothing wrong, that he loves you and likes the look of you more than all the other girls. Google it to gets tips on how to overcome it.

Best of luck

McGinty

"but i just cannot understand what he sees in me or why hes with me,"Your own words tell me the answer, for some reason, you have put your boyfriend on a pedastal, you see him above you, however he is with you because HE LIKES YOU, he sees you on the same level as himself, I made the same mistake some years ago with an ex, and I lost him because I ddin't see the beauty I had inside of myself, he saw it but I didn't and I drove him away due to my insecurities and I have to accept that now, please don't make the same mistake. Your boyfriend sounds like a decent bloke and also someone who wants to be with you, enjoy it each day as it comes, at the same time if a guy is gonna stray then he will, there is little you can do to stop it, but there are some things you can do, believe in yourself, trust life and trust your boyfriend, treat him as your lover and friend, not as your possession, when your jealous ask yourself "why am i feeling jealous, where is this insecurity coming from", basically look within yourself and ask whats going on first, if your boyfriends behaviour is wrong then fair enough, if not, then work on yourself