low confidence around people

LegacyUser

Hi. I'm one of those people who is shy, not necessarily crippling shy but i would be one of the quieter people who you would meet and to talk to. When i was a child i was very happy and quite outgoing until i moved to a new area when i was 10 where i never fitted in and i was subsequently bullied for a number of years. As you could imagine this effected me badly and it resulted in me becoming very introverted, i had little confidenece, i would be anxious about everything and around people and i pretty much had no friends.
As i got older, i finally grew out of my shell a bit, i pushed myself a bit more, i made some friends but i felt i still struggled for confidence especially around people.

Lately things have taken a bad turn again. As me and my friends grew older and went to college i noticed changes in few of them. They became more distant around me, met new people and we seemed to be on a different wavelength to each other, however i was never particularly close to any of them in the first place, they rarely did things like going clubbing and never talked about anything deep with each other, it was a strange type of friendship. I could accept growing apart, it happens when people grow up but in the end a couple of these friends of mine who i was increasingly wary off turned against me for no apparent reason and things came to a head where they treated me like crap and got everyone to gang up against me. All of this was reminiscent of my bullying years back. I was left with no choice but to walk away from everyone but in reality i was forced to do this.

Six months or so later i'm a wreck. I do know i'm better off without them. However i have absolutely zero confidence in myself, i'm back to the way i was in my early teenage years. I have pretty much no friends, no one to talk to apart from my parents, no one to go out with, i'm nearly 20 and it feels like life is passing me by. I feel so down.

I know letting it all out on a message board isn't the cure to my difficulties but i need advice on how to boost my confidence, self-esteem and outlook on life, i need to know how to interact better and be less shy with people.
I'm wondering has anyone felt similar to me or has any similar experience? How do i boost my myself interacting with people? What do you think i need to with myself? I was once happy and i'm sure i can be happy again.
I personally feel i need to talk to people. I don't know if i should talk to a counsellor or a psychiatrist. Has anyone here used anyone like this? Putting myself out there and doing things i like is something that is a must, my lack of confidence has stopped me but this has to change. What is good for boosting ones confidence around people?

Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Black Swan

Like what do you most enjoy doing? Reading? Join a reading club. Nature walks? Join a hiking club. Sailing? Volunteer to crew. Get the idea? Join a club of people who like what you like.:cool:

Ruu_Old

Yep, join some sort of activity that will put you in a group setting. Maybe something small at first, dont want you to freak out or something. A book club would be a great idea if you like reading. Im extremely shy but have been forced to get out of my shell with travelling alot you have to talk to strangers to make your way around and so on.

LegacyUser

The first paragraph of your post I could have written myself. I experienced the same difficulties as you, both in and out of school. Yet I was lucky in the fact that I eventually found friends along a similar wavelength, but there was some dark days before, and even after that. Since then I'm left wondering what type of person I could have been, i.e. how much better I could have been, but this is a dangerous way of thinking.

You are still young. I think in time you will grow out of this. It really is a matter of pushing and placing yourself in circumstances that, however socially difficult, will eventually improve your confidence. At 27 I still have a problem with my confidence and this transpires into other areas of my life, but I'm so much better than 5 years ago and I think that in the grand scale I'm getting better all the time. I'm sure this will be the same for you!

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar boat, man. I have trouble making friends, and find myself alone most of the time. I'm on heavy medicine for acne though, and that affects me badly, cos I'm not motivated, usually fatigued, etc. There are alot of things that I'd like to do, but my acne and medicine makes it difficult (I can't do activities like hiking or climbing cos it's painful, for example).

I'm not too worried about it anymore, cos I am getting better. I used to be depressed about it seriously, but as my acne gets better, I'll be able to do things I enjoy, and meet more people.

But I do still avoid awkward social situations, like I can't bring myself to go and meet a group of strangers, I can't stand being singled out or being "the new guy", etc.

AngryAnderson

Welcome to the real world kiddo. You're just a normal person. The more outgoing people that you see around you are probably ten times more self doubting and insecure than yourself, believe it or not. Not having any friends? Well don't worry about it. You obviously made the mistake of hanging around with the wrong people for too long. It's just a matter of dusting yourself off and getting back up again. Just be yourself, maybe a bit more judgemental, and you'll meet people more deserving of your friendship. I'm nearly a decade older than you and I've recently 'purged' (for the want of a better word) some of my long time friends because they were just completely wrong for me. I have a lot less options at the weekends now but I keep telling myself I'm happier because the remaining friends I do have respect me! And I am actually happier! And meeting a lot more people too because I've managed to drop the dead wood. Chin up.

im_invisible

similar situation myself, but i couldnt, or wouldnt join a book club, or any of them kinda social groups myself, (i read a lot, but i dont see the point in reading the same books as everyone else, and then talking about them over tea and biscuits) but i dont know, you sorta have to put yourself in situations where you have to get to know people, im heading back to college in september, and i know for the first month or two, ill be standing on my own, talking to no-one, but thats cool, ill just go to a pub, or the pool room, throw a couple of euro down on the pool table, wait my turn, and hav a couple of games. after a few weeks youd get to know the locals, and theyre surely gonna talk to me,

back to you, get to know people in work, start a new job, actually maybe joining one of these social clubs isnt such a bad idea...

letting it all out on a message board feels good, and if you feel you need to talk to a councellor, go for it, i suppose

Jaysus I could have written that post myself, right down to moving at the age of 10. Really bad age to move, just as you're settled where you are and change is disruptive. Had exactly the same as you, friends who I didn't really click with and now no longer speak to. When I went away to college I ceased all contact with my old friends and made new ones, with whom I have more in common, they are nice people, friendly and don't make me feel like crap on purpose. Are you at the same college as your old friends? That makes it a bit awkward but surely there are new people there who you might get along with? Have you talked to many from your class, etc? I found that the easiest way to make new friends.

It's an old cliche but you should try joining clubs or societies. My social phobia prevented me from doing it until late in 2nd year, and now I really regret not doing it sooner. It's not like magic, you will feel awkward at first if you're shy and everyone else seems to know each other but if you start talking to someone approachable it gets better! I found climbing really good, cos loads of people come up to YOU which is great if you don't have the nerve to approach people. I did filmmaking as well, where we were put in groups to work with other people. Its a good way to meet people on other courses who you otherwise wouldn't see, etc.

I still sometimes find myself sitting in on a weekend wanting to go out and having no-one to go with, but it's all a matter of effort and confidence. If you are enthusiastic and make an effort to talk to people, go out for a beer etc you will surely build friendships with some people.

LegacyUser

Hi. Thank you all so much for your kind hearted replies.

Alot of what has been said makes alot of sense. I do need to put myself out there. My problem with regards to this is that since i've pretty much been on my own any social situation i've ended up hasn't resulted in any friendship, i feel rejected. I haven't been constantly around the same people which is a problem, i know people but i'm not around them enough to build anything concrete. I've been in college this year, i got to know people but again i couldn't build anything and since the troubles with me and my friends i withdrew into my shell around college, a couple these old so called friends are in the same college as me which is factor as to why i withdrew into my shell from everyone in college. I've finished college for this year so i plan to make an effort in clubs next year but i'm daunted by a whole summer with not much to do. I do have a job but unfortunately everyone who i work with is quite a bit older than me, it does take my mind of my personal problems but i gain little socially from it.

I have involved myself in things like a sports club in the past but i have the problem of loosing of becoming almost frightened being around lots of people as i'm terrible in large groups. Out of pure interest does anyone know anything about an self-esteem courses or workshops or anything along those lines? I may think i need to address my confidence first before jumping into clubs or such.

Thanks again

LegacyUser

Personally i feel the same about my friends

Most if not all are backstabing at times..

If i look at it closely all my close friends have backstabbed me on many
occasions. Laughed at me in public or dismissed me. Yet on a one to one basis these friends seem geniune and we do talk indepthly to each other about things but when they interact in a group i find myself being targeted and they do not respect what i have to say.

What would people advise me to do? Offload them or are all friendships
like this?

I wouldnt say i have even one truly loyal friend but does anyone have
1 truly LOYAL friend?