Death of Mother/ Arguing with GF

LegacyUser

My life is so messed up at the moment. I lost my mother a few weeks ago after a long fight with cancer. I was very close to her and I miss her so much. I feel so sad and to make matters worse my girl friend and I are fighting constantly. We are together a long time and have had a few ups and downs in the past. She fell out with my mother years back and they didn’t speak for a while. Eventually things got sorted and they became good friends. However I found it hard to forget this incident and I always felt that the GF was well out of order at the time.

When my Mother died I found it hard to talk to the GF and I guess I kept her on the outside for the first week. I don’t know why, maybe it was because of the past problems. I’ve being crying every day and I feel very low. I’ve got little comfort from my GF lately. She says things like you have to get on with your life and you can’t bring her back etc etc. All I want is a shoulder to cry and somebody to tell me that things will be ok. Things got bad over the wknd. I got very drunk one night and said some stuff to the GF that really upset her. I was ashamed when I heard this. I can’t remember anything about the incident and apologized asap. Yesterday it all came to a head and she said she is thinking about leaving. I can’t believe that she could drop a bombshell like this when I am already suffering badly. I love my girlfriend but she has really hurt me in the past few days. I wish we could both forget past relationship issues and move on. I fell so lost. The thought of loosing my mother and my girlfriend frightens the life out of me. I am at my wits end and I don’t know who to talk to or what to do.

Beruthiel

I'm sorry for your loss sadandlost

seems to me that perhaps things have not been going well with you and your g/f for a while?
you are on tender hooks at the moment and probably more grumpy and sensitive than usual (very understandable under the circumstances). Your g/f is probably feeling a bit helpless and it saying all the wrong things and you might be taking them the wrong way?
you need to sit down with her and have a long, calm discussion, tell her exactly how you feel and what she means to you.
Apologise for getting drunk and taking things out on her, she sounds hurt, hence feeling the need to hurt you back.
take care

Faith

Your gf probably thinks that she's doing the best thing for you by telling you to move on etc. Try sitting her down, as B said, and also telling her that what you'd really like for the moment is just a shoulder to cry on. Explain exactly how hard this time is for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

6th

SadAndLost wrote:

My life is so messed up at the moment. I lost my mother a few weeks ago after a long fight with cancer. I was very close to her and I miss her so much. I feel so sad and to make matters worse my girl friend and I are fighting constantly. We are together a long time and have had a few ups and downs in the past. She fell out with my mother years back and they didn’t speak for a while. Eventually things got sorted and they became good friends. However I found it hard to forget this incident and I always felt that the GF was well out of order at the time.

When my Mother died I found it hard to talk to the GF and I guess I kept her on the outside for the first week. I don’t know why, maybe it was because of the past problems. I’ve being crying every day and I feel very low. I’ve got little comfort from my GF lately. She says things like you have to get on with your life and you can’t bring her back etc etc. All I want is a shoulder to cry and somebody to tell me that things will be ok. Things got bad over the wknd. I got very drunk one night and said some stuff to the GF that really upset her. I was ashamed when I heard this. I can’t remember anything about the incident and apologized asap. Yesterday it all came to a head and she said she is thinking about leaving. I can’t believe that she could drop a bombshell like this when I am already suffering badly. I love my girlfriend but she has really hurt me in the past few days. I wish we could both forget past relationship issues and move on. I fell so lost. The thought of loosing my mother and my girlfriend frightens the life out of me. I am at my wits end and I don’t know who to talk to or what to do.

First off its an awful thing to lose a parent and i have sympathy for you.

But what i'm seeing is this:

Ur mother died.

She had a falling out with ur gf a good while ago.

Ur mother & Gf got over it with plenty of time.

When ur mother died u distanced urself from GF because of the falling out.

Ur Gf (who i presume hasnt lost a parent) didnt know how best to comfort you and settle for the usual stuff like "havin to get on wit ur life" etc.

U then got drunk and rained abuse on ur Gf.

Now she's not sure she can stay.

?

Well if ur mother got over the arguement so should u, u didnt allow ur gf to be there for u when ur mother passed. U became distant and then unlessed a drunken torent at her. I presonally dont think ur gf has behaved badly - infact if anyone has its u, though you do have good reason.

If you want it to work talk to her but make sure u get any blame you put on her out of ur head or it'll never work! U expect her to be able to help u and i think thats a big problem.

6th

Fanny Cradock

6th wrote:

First off its an awful thing to lose a parent and i have sympathy for you.

But what i'm seeing is this:

Ur mother died.

She had a falling out with ur gf a good while ago.

Ur mother & Gf got over it with plenty of time.

When ur mother died u distanced urself from GF because of the falling out.

Ur Gf (who i presume hasnt lost a parent) didnt know how best to comfort you and settle for the usual stuff like "havin to get on wit ur life" etc.

U then got drunk and rained abuse on ur Gf.

Now she's not sure she can stay.

?

Well if ur mother got over the arguement so should u, u didnt allow ur gf to be there for u when ur mother passed. U became distant and then unlessed a drunken torent at her. I presonally dont think ur gf has behaved badly - infact if anyone has its u, though you do have good reason.

If you want it to work talk to her but make sure u get any blame you put on her out of ur head or it'll never work! U expect her to be able to help u and i think thats a big problem.

6th

Wow, that's an incredibly harsh attitude to post to someone who just lost their mother.

Anyway, I would assume that because you push her away, your girlfriend is feeling completely inadequite in her ability to help you through your difficult time. Possibly this could explain her less than totally sympathetic reaction. You should really tell her exactly what you said in the post. It sounds trite, but both of you need to open up and discuss this (and other things?) and stop closing your lives to each other.

My sincerest sympathies OP.

no more txt spk plz!

Hermione*

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Grieving is a long process, and the initial shock takes a while to pass. While your g/f is right in that at some point you have to move on, it's not what you want to hear at this point. Everybody reaches that stage in their own time, and you shouldn't feel bad that you haven't. Grief affects everybody differently.You should probably talk to your g/f (and apologise for what upsetting her with your comments when drunk) and explain to her that atm, you just need comfort, company and support. She may not know anybody who's experienced a loss like yours so she may not know what to say to you atm.

Take care.

Sony

Hi,

Sorry about your mam-may she rest in peace,her suffering is over now

Listen I know exactly what your going through-I was a bit stunned reading your post to say the least cause its more a less exaclty what happened to me a few months ago--my own mam died of cancer in january and my own g/f at the time was totally insensitive at times afterwards,not much but it still happened-she just couldnt seem to understand that YES life moves on but not as quick as she'd probably like -

No matter what has happened between you two at the weekend i think telling you she might be leaving is very very very insensitive takking into account the seriousness of what has happened in your life recently - I dont want to advise you on what to do next as thats ultimately down to how you feel about her but best of luck with deciding

FYO I dumped my gf soon after - even though i knew it was gonna mean a lot of loneliness etc - but it was the right decision in my case

head up mate

Sony

By the way it was mentioned earlier that you might be taking it out a little on your girlfriend---this is possibly true whether subconcoiusly or not ....

but what i suspect is more importantly true also is that your gf just doesnt understand the magnitude of whats happened and doesnt know how to cope with you about it-try and understand this for her sake--shes probably stuck by you and been loyal and trusted for as long as youve known her--that deserves MORE than some respect