Finding tough as a single dad.

LegacyUser

Last year I won full custody of my son. His mother lives abroad so he is with me 24/7. I have family close by but I can't really use them too much for babysitting. I absolutley love looking after my son but to be really honest I very often find it tough. On a day by day by level I'm a very happy but I often find myself sitting at home alone in the evenings feeling.... I can't explain the feeling It's a mixture of feeling lonely, isolated and kind of down.

Some people are very content to not see others alot, I'm not like this. Being social and meeting people is something that I really brings alot to my quality of life. Being stuck at home all the time can make me feel really isolated.

In the last year I set up a business with 2 guys that ended up trying to rip me off so I am starting from scratch again and using a spare room as my office. As a result I'm stuck in the house for probably 23 hours a day! I wouldn't change my situation but I won't pretend that I don't find it very hard. I've sometimes thought that if I was going out with somone it might be easier but it's hard to get out and meet someone because of the whole babysitter thing. I'm also quite concious of the fact that as a single dad in his early thirties alot of girls probably just take a look and step back!

It all feels like a bit of a funny situation because if I was given the chance to not have my son I wouldn't take it, but that doesn't automatcally mean I'm happy with everything. I think I need to find a way to make it work a little easier for myself on a week in week out basis. I just don't know what that way is!

Anyone got any good advice?

Chucky

Something immediately came to my thoughts while reading your post: Take your son for a walk. This would take you both away from the now darkened (By your work) atmosphere in your home and bring a new environment through which you can channel some happiness into both your and your son's lives.

Nevyn

Things can be tough esp when you son is small, have you looked at a playgroup/parent and toddler group in you area
to get the both of you out of the house even once a week ?
When he starts playschool and proper school you will get some more time to yourself.

I would also suggest getting in touch with http://www.gingerbread.ie/
the run groups arround the country and parent and child outings, so that you can have some adult interaction.

The evening times can be tough when your children and tucked up in bed you can feel isolated and lacking in adult contact
I know there are times it has driven me nuts, but having net acess is very handy as there is always boards to read and
I keep in touch with friends via msn and the boards.ie chat channel.
There is usually some sort of converastaion going on at any time.

You are doing your best for yourson and putting him first which all good parents try to do and it can be hard
as it can seem like you are putting the rest of your life on hold and spend most of you waking hours being Daddy
and it can be hard to switch that off in the evenings and do things what you enjoy.

Yes family tends to be best when it comes to trusting them to babysit bit
why not have a look at other options, what about nieghbours ?
I do know one of the parent and toddler groups in my area take turns babysitting for each other that could be an option.

As for finding a new partner give it some time there are women out there that will understand the situation
and respect you for the choice you have made and understand that your child comes first and will be willing to work a relationship arround that.

Chin up.

seamus

Although you say you've "family" close by, you don't say what type of family. Have you brothers or friends that you could go out with on a Saturday night for a few beers, leaving the kids with your parents, or a married sibling?

I've heard of plenty of people who have a routine of having their parents pick up the child from school on Friday afternoon, and then bringing him home after dinner on Saturday evening. This gives you a chance to unwind - go to the pub, play football or whatever on Friday, do bits and pieces all day Saturday, and then you have all day Sunday to do something with your son.

I'm sure if your parent(s) are available and you discuss how you're coping with them, they'd be happy to help. In fact, I've also heard plenty of Grandparents say that they love having their Grandchild just for the one night, cos there's no messing to deal with!

Singledad wrote:

I'm also quite concious of the fact that as a single dad in his early thirties alot of girls probably just take a look and step back!

Not in modern Ireland
I'm not at that age yet, but I know plenty of people who are, and most women at that age tend not to find it scary or weird that a man has a child. In fact, the single Dad thing would probably score points!

LegacyUser

Chucky:
Maybe I made things sound darker than they are. My son and I are very happy together and we have always been very close and shared alot. I'm just very aware of what I'm feeling and trying to mae sure that it doesn't turn into a big problem.

Thaedydal:
My son is 13 and a mature 13 too. Looking after him is defintely easier than when he was a toddler but I didn't have hime full time then. I think your point about the girls is probabaly a good one. I've never had problems meeting girls (they thankfully seem to to quite like me for some reason!) but I'm feeling quite self concious in a way that I never have before. I kind of feel "they may like me now but when they hear I have a kid full time they probably won't want to know". Not the way I normally think at all. The toughest enemy we can ever have is oursleves.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote:

Although you say you've "family" close by, you don't say what type of family.
I'm sure if your parent(s) are available and you discuss how you're coping with them, they'd be happy to help. In fact, I've also heard plenty of Grandparents say that they love having their Grandchild just for the one night, cos there's no messing to deal with!

My mother lives nearby and so does a sister. They're quite helpful but there's only so much that I'm comfortable asking for. They all have very full busy lives themselves.

seamus wrote:

Not in modern Ireland
I'm not at that age yet, but I know plenty of people who are, and most women at that age tend not to find it scary or weird that a man has a child. In fact, the single Dad thing would probably score points!

A few people have said that. You might be right. Maybe it's just in my head. I hope so!!

Faith

I think women at that age would actually respond quite well to you being a single father. It says straight away that you're responsible, caring and family orientated. As long as you're not hoping to date 21 year olds, you shouldn't find being a single father a problem.

oulu

he is 13 in 2yrs or so u could let a friend stay over with him while u go for a pint, the way u where talking I thought he was under 4, there would not be any babysitting in him could he just not stay with granny or cousins , you do need to get out once a week or 2wks so why not pay a babysitter like most people do, you could have fun nights with him lots to do snooker,pitch n putt whatever on these long evenings,

LegacyUser

oulu wrote:

he is 13 in 2yrs or so u could let a friend stay over with him while u go for a pint, the way u where talking I thought he was under 4, there would not be any babysitting in him could he just not stay with granny or cousins , you do need to get out once a week or 2wks so why not pay a babysitter like most people do, you could have fun nights with him lots to do snooker,pitch n putt whatever on these long evenings,

You say it as if the solution is so simple, it's not. You may be in a similar situation yourslef and have it sussed. Fair play if you do, I don't, and I find it tough. Life is more than the simple sum of practicalities we live by. And as for letting two 15 year old boys stay home for an evening together alone? Now there's a recipe for trouble!

seamus

Actually, at 13 it should be a good deal less of a burden, as you point out. He's reaching the age where he will appreciate being given more responsibility, and being treated like more of an adult, within reason obviously.

At this stage, you should have the bulk of your Saturdays and Sundays free. Is there anything that you miss, or that you'd like to take up - golf, for example? By the time he's 15/16 I think it's reasonable for you to head out for a few pints on a weekend evening, and come home before 12. (I'll probably be shot for saying that).

As others point out, babysitting him at that age shouldn't be a huge burden. Your Mum or sister should really only need to come over to make sure that he doesn't set fire to the house or something.

Beruthiel

Singledad wrote:

And as for letting two 15 year old boys stay home for an evening together alone? Now there's a recipe for trouble!

It comes down to trust. I had no problem leaving my 15 year old in the house by herself, she was quite happy to sit in with some munchies and watch a dvd or play PC games or talk on the phone to her friends for hours! I would call her a few times during the time I was out to make sure she was ok. Eventually you should be able to do this with your son on the understanding that he behaves himself while you are out. It is in his interest to do so or you will not trust him again, teenagers like to be trusted as it gives them a certain amount of freedom. Start off gradually by just going to the pub for one pint.
Also, your son is old enough now for you to do stuff with him, why not join a martial arts class or some such..

As for being single and looking for a partner, honestly, I used to think if you weren't up for it then move along... you will be pleasantly surprised at how many people this does not phase at all.

Faith

Indeed, I agree with Ber. My parents started leaving me alone in the house when I was about 13, up to about 11pm. Then a bit later and gradually increased it. By the time I was 17, I was spending whole weekends alone at home. And I really enjoyed it. I could eat whatever I liked, what whatever I liked, spend as long as I wanted on the internet/ phone etc. It gave me a great sense of independance. It barely even occured to me to misbehave- the most I ever did was have a sneaky cigarette out the back.

You should start trusting your son enough to leave him at home on his own, if he's comfortable with it.

oulu

Single Dad no harm meant but looking at the big picture from outside I know a person who has lost their spouse and are left with 3 kids all under 10, that person just gets on with , maybe behind doors she sheds a tear which would be understandable, I think you are entitled to feel sorry for yourself but do then you have to get back to basics, Can you not drop your son of for the night to a relation and then if you get lucky or she does you have a free house to come home to, I think you should start asking relation maybe you can take turns you babysit one night then your relation does, you have to ask or you wont get, best of luck

Dreamer 7

Hey there Single Dad
Just wanted to say there is no quick fix to your situation but I can see where you are coming from. I have two young children and after they were born I gave up my job to mind them.
I promptly cracked up altogether and couldnt cope being so isolated. I was lucky that my man stepped up to the plate and came home to them.
We constantly feel we have no timeout and what we do is pick a weekend about 2 mths away, even if you dont have any plans you'll be surprised how quickly the free weekend comes. A sis or mam should have no prob helping you out as long as you give them notice:D

The net is an excellant way to pass time in the evenings, maybe chat up some ladies!!

Oh and by the way Ive asked around the office and a single dad is most attractive, a definite plus! It shows dedication, commitment and love for your son..ahh it warms the heart:D