How Do You Not be Shy?

Hakumei Naru

I know I'm new to the forums so, in a way, I don't really have much right to ask for help and/or advice but I've gotten myself into a dead-end and I can't seem to find a way out.

I'm a very shy person. Online I'm generally not afraid to say what I think but offline I can be hopeless. I find it difficult to talk to people I don't know. I blush when praised, I sometimes stutter when nervous and sometimes accidentally speak french (my mother is french). I don't have many friends and they're dwindling these days.

I got dumped because I was too dependant, introvert and didn't have enough self confidence. My best friend sorta mistakingly messed me up by flirting with me on shocking levels instantly after I got dumped. I was too afraid to do new things when I was with my boyfriend in case he disapproved and I was afraid to say anything to my best friend in case he would never speak to me again.

I don't really have any friends left save for those who hang with my ex or my best friend...hanging with my ex is damn awkward and I'm not even sure if I want to hang with my best friend again. So these days I'm mostly on my own at home crying and pining over my losses. I can't even do that in peace there because my dad is a violent drunk. I have a stomach condition that fuels on stress so I'm in a really bad state these days.

I've tried joining new clubs to boost my confidence. I joined a new martial art (hap ki do), it's fun, everyone is really nice but it's a bit daunting being the only girl seeing as everyone is more experienced than me and can do the throws far better than I ever could. On top of it all, I think I'm the only one who is in any way geeky. I'm incredibly geeky and when people hear my interests they often laugh or get weirded out.

I have gotten a job and I plan to move out of home as soon as I can. I'm not scared about doing that, I'm actually looking foward to it. What I am not looking foward to is starting from scratch as far as friends and co-workers are concerned.

I'm trying to be strong about everything I have been and am going through but trying to boost my confidence is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do and it's really getting me down. I haven't played my playstation for weeks (before I couldn't live without it), I can't draw anymore, write or do any music. All I can do is read and sometimes I can't do that - I just lie on my bed with the book open, staring into space trying to figure out how to fix myself.

Does anyone have any advice that could help me out?

HappyCrackHead

Practice, practice, practice....

*The first step to boosting your confidance you've already taken by trying to do all this stuff. Its not an over night thing and it does take quite a bit of time. But if u hang in there things will get better and you wont notice the change, it'll be seemless.

Its weird and very hard to explain.

i wish you the best of luck

MrSinn

Hakumei Naru wrote:

I know I'm new to the forums so, in a way, I don't really have much right to ask for help and/or advice but I've gotten myself into a dead-end and I can't seem to find a way out.

I'm a very shy person. Online I'm generally not afraid to say what I think but offline I can be hopeless. I find it difficult to talk to people I don't know. I blush when praised, I sometimes stutter when nervous and sometimes accidentally speak french (my mother is french). I don't have many friends and they're dwindling these days.

I got dumped because I was too dependant, introvert and didn't have enough self confidence. My best friend sorta mistakingly messed me up by flirting with me on shocking levels instantly after I got dumped. I was too afraid to do new things when I was with my boyfriend in case he disapproved and I was afraid to say anything to my best friend in case he would never speak to me again.

I don't really have any friends left save for those who hang with my ex or my best friend...hanging with my ex is damn awkward and I'm not even sure if I want to hang with my best friend again. So these days I'm mostly on my own at home crying and pining over my losses. I can't even do that in peace there because my dad is a violent drunk. I have a stomach condition that fuels on stress so I'm in a really bad state these days.

I've tried joining new clubs to boost my confidence. I joined a new martial art (hap ki do), it's fun, everyone is really nice but it's a bit daunting being the only girl seeing as everyone is more experienced than me and can do the throws far better than I ever could. On top of it all, I think I'm the only one who is in any way geeky. I'm incredibly geeky and when people hear my interests they often laugh or get weirded out.

I have gotten a job and I plan to move out of home as soon as I can. I'm not scared about doing that, I'm actually looking foward to it. What I am not looking foward to is starting from scratch as far as friends and co-workers are concerned.

I'm trying to be strong about everything I have been and am going through but trying to boost my confidence is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do and it's really getting me down. I haven't played my playstation for weeks (before I couldn't live without it), I can't draw anymore, write or do any music. All I can do is read and sometimes I can't do that - I just lie on my bed with the book open, staring into space trying to figure out how to fix myself.

Does anyone have any advice that could help me out?

What you have said here is very well put together!!you got your point across loud and clear
The thing is is that the only problem i see in your story is your father,the rest is just a growing up thing.get away from home asap and you will start to find yourself.

walrusgumble

the two people are dead right. I know myself, when I am with the lads I am all mouth (not in a bad way) then when knew people are round i am all quiet which leads to many thinking i am a sob. i hate it when i go red when a girl starts flirting even though i am not going all shy and am chatty,

but seriously fair play to ya to get out there and try knew things and good luck with it, many people are not brave enough to do this. as for your stomach condition, ya do gotta get away from your dad. that will really wreck your health and mental state. that maybe the reason you feel akward with new people. dont beat ur self up. and always speak your mind, not be a sheep like so many people. people will respect you for it,

Hugh Hefner

Damn, you're ****in' cool.

Ruu_Old

Good on ya for getting out there, I wish I was that brave sometimes

Hakumei Naru

MrSinn wrote:

What you have said here is very well put together!!you got your point across loud and clear

You should hear me trying to say that sort of thing offline...I get muddled, say things in the wrong order and often go on tangents that lead to completely unrelated topics. Online I'm completely different. Haha, I can appear somewhat intelligent at times ^_^

MrSinn wrote:

The thing is is that the only problem i see in your story is your father,the rest is just a growing up thing.get away from home asap and you will start to find yourself.

walrusgumblebut wrote:

seriously fair play to ya to get out there and try knew things and good luck with it, many people are not brave enough to do this. as for your stomach condition, ya do gotta get away from your dad. that will really wreck your health and mental state. that maybe the reason you feel akward with new people. dont beat ur self up. and always speak your mind, not be a sheep like so many people. people will respect you for it,

Well, I know everything started with my dad so I plan on dealing with that first. What I don't know how to deal with is my friends and lack of. I think my ex gets very annoyed when I hang with his friends so as if the awkwardness wasn't bad enough, he makes me feel guilty for being around...so naturally I do the inevitable; I beat myself up over everything I should and shouldn't say or do. I'm torn between staying at home facing what I have to put up with there and hanging around with friends while my ex acts irritated.

About speaking my mind...I'm terrified at doing that sometimes. My opinions seem very obscure to many people. In a way, I'm proud to not be like everyone else in the flock but I do often feel very left out and alone.

And my God I am whining so much...>_<'

Hugh Hefner wrote:

Damn, you're ****in' cool.

Urm, not sure why you said that but thanks anyway ^_^'

takola

Hakumei Naru wrote:

I've tried joining new clubs to boost my confidence. I joined a new martial art (hap ki do), it's fun, everyone is really nice but it's a bit daunting being the only girl seeing as everyone is more experienced than me and can do the throws far better than I ever could. On top of it all, I think I'm the only one who is in any way geeky. I'm incredibly geeky and when people hear my interests they often laugh or get weirded out.

I have gotten a job and I plan to move out of home as soon as I can. I'm not scared about doing that, I'm actually looking foward to it. What I am not looking foward to is starting from scratch as far as friends and co-workers are concerned.

:eek: Wow you are so brave!!!!! I've wanted to do stuff like that but never had the guts TBH. Fair Play!!!!

you said you do music? Do you play or sing? You could use that as a way to make new friends. Most musicians are interested in your music first and friendship comes naturally because you already share an interest.

From your post you seem like a really nice person, and i don't see any reason why you would have trouble making friends. I know what it is like to live with a violent alcoholic and it really isnt easy! Getting out of that situation is the best thing you can do. I know i packed my bags and left home the day i turned 18 to get away from it and trust me it was scary and daunting but the freedom you find when you've left is amazing!!! Having your own space where you are free from the worry of what's going to happen or when the next beating is going to come is so so important!!!

As for your ex - he seems like a ****head to be honest and if i were you i would leave that alone!!!! You dont need anyone making you feel guilty for hanging around with them. And your best friend, Did he flirt intentionally? Because i think thats really mean and i'd be livid about it!! Maybe you need to talk to him about it? you've already said you arent sure if you want to hang out with him anymore after it. TBH it sounds like he was taking advantage and people like that are not people you need in your life either!!!:mad:

keep your head up.. it will all work out in the end!!

Gone West

How do you not be shy

Alcohol.

Hakumei Naru

FuzzyLogic wrote:

Alcohol.

I can't drink too much because of my stomach condition.

X-SL

put yourself in a very embarrasing postion.

Crucifix

I'm shy with new people myself. You say you're starting a new job. The good thing about that is people at the job will be forced to spend some measure of time with you. Even if you're shy at first, eventually you'll get to know them.

The_Minister

Hakumei Naru wrote:

I blush when praised, I sometimes stutter when nervous and sometimes accidentally speak french (my mother is french). I don't have many friends and they're dwindling these days.

Aside from the French, this described me. I got used to it. Most people pretend not to notice when you gibber and once you realise that most people don't care about it, you kinda stop feeling nervous (this comes with age)

Hakumei Naru wrote:

I'm incredibly geeky and when people hear my interests they often laugh or get weirded out.

What are your interests? Few martial arts classes have star trek fans in them. You could be fishing in the wrong streams.

Victor

Practice on everyone you can. Talk to the shop assistant, postman, waiting staff, everyone. Tehn when you need to say something important, it won't be as difficult.

Hakumei Naru

Firespinner wrote:

What are your interests? Few martial arts classes have star trek fans in them. You could be fishing in the wrong streams.

Well, martial arts are among my interests. I'm first dan in shotokan karate. I joined hap ki do more for learning a new martial art than for making new friends. Other interests are: anime, manga, marvel, reading, writing, drawing, playing piano, composing music, roleplaying (table-top and computer), ccg's, console and pc gaming...I think that's it.

Ellechim

Hiya,

if you are in the company of people who are aggressive and controlling and abusive it really saps your confidence, so the others are right, try to distance yourself from your Dad and that ex-boyfriend who sounds like a potential clone of your Dad (sorry for being so straight talking). We all subconsciously repeat patterns in our lives, so you may have been attracted to this guy because you recognised behaviour in him that was familiar to you - so in a way 'safe' territory - although not safe at all and very damaging to you in the long term (everyone does it in some shape or form).

You sound very brave to me - joining a martial arts class, I'd be scared stiff! Well done.

I agree with what the others have said. I would also make two other suggestions.

1. Keep a notebook by your bed and at the end of every day write down 3 positive things that happened that day. It might be tiny little things that you take for granted or don't notice like 'the man in the newsagent smiled at me' or big things, but you end up with a catalogue of your successes, big and small and it really builds your confidence.

2. Read a book called 'feel the fear and do it anyway' by Susan Jeffers. Its not a big book but has lots of useful techniques about how to cope when you're going into potentially stressful situations.

Best of luck! You will find your way out of this, it sounds like you're on the road anyway!

M

dundalk cailin

Hey OP, i was very shy throughout my teenage years, and had very low self confidence..When i started working as a waitress, and going to college, i got more outgoing. I had a group of friends in secondary school who were not good friends, they made me feel inferior, anyway i ended up breaking ties with them after secondary school, and made friends with other people (college, town) and am almost finished my Erasmuis year. Nothing made me as mature and became more confident (imo) than this year in france. Ive been in situations where ive felt stupid, self conscious etc cos of the language, but i persisted, and now have buckets of confidence..people have remarked how much progress ive made, because i felt so determined to overcome the feeling that was getting me down. I wish u luck

dundalk cailin

Also when people say wow you speak such good french, it makes me feel great! i know its not the same situation as everyone or OP, but its my experience

frobisher

What age are you?

frobisher

What age are you?

mawk

well her public profile says 21..

frobisher

Opps. Double post. Deleted.

Hakumei Naru

I'm 21. I start work this friday. Hopefully things will start to look up and hopefully my shyness won't get the better of me.

frobisher

Hakumei Naru wrote:

I'm 21. I start work this friday. Hopefully things will start to look up and hopefully my shyness won't get the better of me.

The only reason I ask about your age is because it can have more of a bearing on these kind of things than is easy to recognise at the time. Confidence and an assured feeling of "self" is something that comes with time. Like alot of things it breeds more of itself. Before you know it you will find yourelf doing the things that really work for you and make you feel good about who you are. As long as you keep trying that is. Life has a tremendous tendency to work itself out. I wish you all the best.