Food Addiction - My story

KabelLims

I cant remember a time when my world wasn't overwhelmed by my
weight. My diaries when as a child has new years resolutions of what
not to eat. I know I used to diet in my ownwaaay as a child. I have
2 younger sisters who were normal sized and slim and because we are
all born within 3 years of each other, mom used try to have us wear
same clothes… but I rarely was able to wear same clothes as them! At
about 13, I remember dileberately using methods of those with eating
disorders, I started using laxatives. To this day, I have no idea
how I even heard of them to know to use them. At ~ 14, I stopped eating. I would not eat for 2 days, then eat on the 3rd day. I did that for a summer and naturally I lost weight and all my family were delighted. No one in my family ever picked up on my dieting methods (and still dont), or they do, they never said.

But after the summer holidays, I could never keep up this plan as the
routine of lunch at sschool, made it too hard. But I stopped eating
breakfast! Like that would help! So I did this for summers, id lose
a bit of weight but more would come back. Id stopped dieting at 18
and was eating relatively normally. I wasn't binging, I ate normally
enough, but more of it. Then I was about a size 16 . At 19, I was rejected by someone and the guilt and shame took over me. I felt so ugly and unlovable, and like a piece of meat. On hind sight, he did his best, but I had this push/pull actions with him… and if im honest, the intimacy of
relationship scared me too. But, his rejection has been a turning
point. I went on the neutron diet and showed me all the foods I shouldn't
eat…. And over next few months I lost about 4 stone to be a size 12.
I was home for the summer and used to go for walks in evening for
hours. On the way, id stop and go to mass. I felt enormous shame
over the relationship (Catholic guilt). Over that summer, life
appears better, I was slim, in love with God, and generally good. I
couldn't see that I was being obsessive about all of this… walking
for 4 hours a day, and prayin for forgivness, praying to stay slim.
Home was filled with every kind of sweet. And for some reaaason, after months losing weight and eating well and feeling happy, I thought id try one of sweet… it was a tiny chalkie sweet… smaller than a tick-tack. I
tried it, then wanted to leave it at that. Then I finished the
pack. Then I had the biscuits, chrisps, and next think I knew I had
eaten most of the sweetie cupbard. I could not understand myself. I
went for my walk. My stomach was bulging. I collapsed crying on the
road… luckily I live rather remotely, so noone would have seen. I
cried out to god to help me. A few weeks later, I was in Medjugorie,
literally heaven on earth, and I went down to the kitchen of hostel
where I stayed during the night and emptied the fridge. I didn't
plan to eat it all… but I couldn't stop. The next year was the
worst in my life. I went back to college in autmum, everyone was
amazed at the weight loss… I tried to keep to my diet but binges were
reoccurring. I wasn't able to keep fasting so I felt like I had
failed god. I began to feel depressed. I went to the college
councilor. I literally wanted them to tell me to stop binging and
for me to walk away all better. The councilling sessions wasn't
really talking about food but my upbrining and it wasn't something I
felt comfortable speaking about. I found I was getting worse thru
councilling, binging became more frequent, I wastnt able to keep to
diet so tried to eat normally, but id started to make myself sick. I
felt great at first, so proud I was able to do this. Weight was
creaping back, I was depressed. I used shop in different shops on
way home after college as used to be embarrassed buying so much junk
in one shop. After a few months, I was very suicidal. I couldn't be
bothered getting sick anymore, I just wanted to die. I had left god,
and felt so desparately guilt about what I had done to myself that I
could not go on. I remember, trying so hard, cooking myself a nice
normal meanl (it was a veggie stirfry with pasta). I remember
feeling, this is normal, normal people eat this. I sat down at the
table , knife and fork in hand, and tried to eat it. But I
couldn't. I couldn't swallow as I knew that I couldn't eat this
normally. Food wasn't making me happy, I was feel terrorized. I ran
out of the house, dinner left on table uneated, I was crying
uncontrollably, in a way I hadn't cried before or since. I felt I
had no way out. I couldn't see a future and felt so alone. I ran to
a place where I kind had marked out for a while in my head as a
potential venue to die. But I couldn't even manage that…. I felt so
absotely trapped. After a few hours I went home and to bed. At the
time I used share a room with another girl…. She used to tell me in
the morning, that I used wake in the night screaming. I don't every
remember this, but she'd say that id sit boltright upwards and be
screaming. Poor girl, mustn't have had a good night's sleep that
entire symester!

I didn't know what to do, I couldn't live, wasn't able to die… so I
ran. I dropped out of college and moved. My parents were
dissssapointed. None of my family knew of te distreass I was in.
In a way, the running away helped. I started a new life, and felt like I
could leave the old one behind. I stopped dieting or even remotely
thinking about food. Weight came on, but I didn't acknowledge it. A
year later, I was feeling better in my mind, I went back to college,
and dispite myself finished my degree.

In Jan 05, My family member died. I had visited him a few weeks
earlier and we had the kind of conversation that was honest and
open. I knew when I left, it was a very special evening,
I didn't know it would be the last. His death was overwhelmingly
sad. I had joined weightwatchers a week before he died, and over the next 5 months I was engrossed in lament over his death. What could have been, whys, whatifs? I also lost 50lbs. I changed job and with that moved. Before I left, I had a few binges (and had made myself sick). I had lost weight before and gained it all back again, I couldn let that happen again. But the move, changing routine and all the rest, turned me. I could recognize the patterns and it terrified me. I couldn't let the weight come back on, but I was finding it difficult to follow weight watchers. I joined a gym and started
going to that daily, spending up to 3 hours there at a time. I would
feel annoyed if anything happened that ment I couldn't go. I was
breaking every few days and felt scared and started various different
diets…. Eating just fruit and vegetables only was my favorite! But I
was still lapsing. I could have a crust of bread, and see it as the
same as a 20lb easter egg, so once I broke, I went mental. Id empty
my food press, scour though my hour mates foodstuff. I even went
thru a drivethru for a macdonalds macflurrie… much to the amusement
of the chap working there. My binges were huge, as I always believe,
this was the last one, so I should cram as much as possible in. I'd
have a few weeks being good, then few bad, and I could feel myself
feeling like I did those years before. This time I wasn't getting
sick, but was using laxatives, eating in toilets as eating infront of
people embarrassed me. I knew that wasn't right but I didn't know
what I could do.

I was feeling desparately alone and felt like there was no way out. I was planning on dieing. I looked up eating disorders websites, and came accross food addiction. I read up on it and could identify with it so much. I turned up for the meeting, terrified out of my brain, but I left feeling somehow happier but scared as there was so much to do. The next week I felt like I had been emotionally and mentally assaulted. Didnt you have to be thin to have an eating disorder????

I'm on a whole fine. Althou, I tire of this and still battle with
myself over if I have a problem, I am feeling better about it all. I
am hopeful and in recovery. I am not there yet, but I feel im on the right track. FAA use the steps and traditions of AA and by the grace of God, I have been abstinate for 2 months.

Just sharing incase others out there identify and are suffering. Know there is hope, just reach out.

People constantly think I've got an eating disorder. Mainly because I am nearly 6 foot, and only recently passed the 11 stone mark for the first time in perhaps 3 years. People close to me tend to worry, as someone very close to me has an eating disorder. They are improving, slowly. Yet for some reason everyone still thinks I have one. I have always been skinny. Even though I can eat like a horse on occasions. It's rather annoying.

I think the main reason I got skinny is that recently I was in America for 2 months. After the 1st month I ran out of money. And being too full of pride, I didn't want to come home early. So I developed a routine; I would ration what food I had- not eating until 6 pm, then having a meal. This way I would not wake up hungry. In 3 weeks I lost a stone in weight. That brought me down to around just below 10stone. Only about a month ago did I realise I had passed the 11 stone mark.

People may wonder why gaining weight is such a big thing. But when you've been skinny your whole life, have someone close to you go through an eating disorder, it just feels good to prove some people wrong.

OP, its good that you're sharing your story, and I hope that you can beat it fully. It's a long struggle. But you seem to be making a good start. And that is half the battle over already.

sportswear

extremely well written post

Zillah

sportswear wrote:

extremely well written post

Agreed. Far too much "God" for my tastes, but very interesting none the less. I can't imagine how awful it must be for something as all pervasive and important as food to become something so terrible.

Tobias Greeshman

I know a mother whose daughter suffers from an eating disorder, so much of what you've said in your post does not really surprise me. There seems to be a strong emphasis on religion, and strong catholic views which probably added to your depression at the time.

I had left god, and felt so desparately guilt about what I had done to myself that I could not go on.

But your post was very well written and since your not looking for advice, I'll just say congratulations on getting this far into dealing with your eating disorder and I wish you the best for the future.

mazroo

I couldnt have read this on a better day, this really hit home. I have spent he last 9 years obsessing and its mental torture. I cant even cry anymore. Some days are great others are horrific. They only thing that stops me ending it all is my family and a glimmer of hope that ill come to tearms with who i am.. I sneek my food in to toilets and pick everything cz ill convince myself its less than eating a full 'normal' meal. I wake up at noght to eat. I started to stop buying food by the week as I would eat it all. I would do it dailyto try control it but i ended up eating my house mates and buyin it back the next day. Its also costing me about 25e a day to eat the way I do. Im on slimming tablets and i work out and hour a day 6 days a week to fight it. I was bulimic and I had at one stage a sever obsession about calorie intake. My will power was unbelievable. Now im the other way and I cant control it.. Im so ahamed of the way I am. My family know about it. I tried counselling and it didnt work. That and i cant afford it with my bills and loans ect. I cant have a relationship as im afriad they will find out and if i am my TRUE self ie a little bigger they will not love me. Im about snug size 12 and I know this is no where fat so I feel like i dont fit in.. not too overweight or too skinny.. i feel like im going out of my mind some days with mood swings. Anyway your mail was so well put together and comforting. Congrats for doing the right thing and learning to love yourself more. And also for taking the time to reach out to other people.

Seraphina

KabelLims wrote:

I'm on a whole fine. Althou, I tire of this and still battle with
myself over if I have a problem, I am feeling better about it all. I
am hopeful and in recovery. I am not there yet, but I feel im on the right track. FAA use the steps and traditions of AA and by the grace of God, I have been abstinate for 2 months.

i know you seem to be happy, but why are you giving credit to god here? no offence, but its all YOU, your strength and willpower is what is keeping you abstinate, no one else. you should be extremely proud of yourself, keep it up!

im sorry if you find this insulting, but i just dont agree with the whole AA 'you are powerless to help yourself, trust in god and he will do it for you' malarky.

Hugh Hefner

Hmmm... The poll is interesting. 12 people feel bad about their eating compared to 6 who are fine with it. I thought, because of the wording of the question, that it would be quite the opposite.

KabelLims wrote:

But I stopped eating
breakfast!

Ironically eating breakfast would have helped you to lose weight, heh.

Zillah

I presume that most "normal" people didn't bother voting.