My head is wrecked! What to do??

M&M's

Hi This is my first time to post here. I suppose I'm just venting really and trying to make a decision out of a headwrecking situation, sorry if it's a long one.

Me and my boyfriend are together 5 years we are both 29 and last year I caught him sending emails of a sexual nature to another woman he met on the web. I told him to go (we live together) and pack his bags and dumped him basically. He cried and begged and pleaded with me to take him back and said he had no intention of doing anything. Anyway he kept up the pursuit and we got back together cos I do love him very much and in every other way he was the perfect boyfriend and he promised never to do anything like that again, said he never wants to lose me again and all that. I really wanted to believe him.

I had alway suspected him of being up to no good before this anyway cos he was always secretive with his phone and I heard him having a conversation with someone who, I thought, was another girl after coming home drunk one night but he denied it and I didn't want to act like a total fruit cake so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Fast forward to now, last night he stayed up late watching a DVD and having a few drinks and I had been in bed early. I got up to get a glass of water and when I walked into the sitting room he had been texting on his phone and he jumped and dropped it. I got my water and went out but I hung around outside and looked throught the keyhole (madness I know!) to find him texting again so I opened the door and he had the same reaction, this time stuffing the phone under a cushion. I casually asked him who he was texting and he said it was none of my business, I thought it was because of what he had put me through before and told him this in no uncertain terms. I knew he was hiding something from me but also that he was hardly going to hand over his phone and just let me look. I obviously have no hard proof that he is up to anything but my insticnt tells me he is, and I know he is a liar cos I've caught him out with other things plenty of times so he's not to be trusted.

He is now telling me that he was texting a friend about a car or something but I'll just never know and it is eating me up inside What do I do? As crazy as it sounds I am madly in love with him and I just want things to get back to normal, I never had trust/insecurity issues before this but I can't stop trying to second guess what he is doing all the time, I'm driving myself mad. HELP!

LegacyUser

I had a similar situation at Christmas with my girl friend of over 10 years. Constantly on her phone, was driving me mad. Thought I was paranoid and kept telling myself to give her some slack. Had the worst Christmas ever which hit an all time low when a girl turned up at my door asking me if I knew that my girlfriend and her fella had been texting all the time, maybe more. We split up on New Year's Day and I've since found out she was seeing other guys behind my back.
Confront your fella, if he loves you and there's nothing going on he should have no problem showing you his phone/messages. There's no point in wrecking your head; if there are trust issues my advice would be to get them sorted NOW or walk away. In my experience, doing nothing is the worst course of action to take.

I think the only thing you can do really is to ask to see his phone. But, if you really want to be certain of it, networks usually store txt messages that have been sent and recieved. You could go in and ask them to review his txts. Its worth a shot .. if it will put your mind at ease, perhaps it is the best thing to do

(woah.. i've posted a few times in here..)

LegacyUser

the network is not going to let you look at his texts.

Re-read your post. You know that your boyfriend is not to be trusted, and yet you seem to want someone here to suggest that there might be a resonable explanation for his behaviour. Dump him and move on im afraid.

M&M's

That's terrible ditto but at least you got your evidence and you can now move on with your life.

I'm not sure that I could go into Vodafone and ask them to see who my boyfriend is texting! They'd think I was a nutter. but thanks anyway. Although I really wish I could find out. He never leaves his phone out of sight and when he does and I manage to get a look at it, all the messages and call logs are deleted. I throw my phone around and forget about it all the time cos I've nothing to hide, if my bf looks at it I don't mind cos there's nothing to see and we are supposed to be in a close relationship and i believe that means no secrets and nothing to hide from each other.

He just had a shower there and brought his phone into the bathroom what does that say?! I am seriously going mad here. I think I will have to confront him and ask him to let me see it....

M&M's

M&M's wrote:

I'm not sure that I could go into Vodafone and ask them to see who my boyfriend is texting! They'd think I was a nutter. but thanks anyway. Although I really wish I could find out. .

To be honest with you, I really think that is your least concern right now. And anyways, it doesn't matter if they think you're a nutter. You're putting your mind at ease, or the other side of it, you're finding out for sure. Which would be worse, finally having that load off your mind, or someone thinking you're a nutter?

Huggles

M&M's wrote:

I know he is a liar cos I've caught him out with other things plenty of times so he's not to be trusted.

He is now telling me that he was texting a friend about a car or something but I'll just never know and it is eating me up inside What do I do? As crazy as it sounds I am madly in love with him and I just want things to get back to normal, I never had trust/insecurity issues before this but I can't stop trying to second guess what he is doing all the time, I'm driving myself mad. HELP!

Hi OP, sorry to hear that your head is wrecked but it seems to be that deep down you know whats going on. If it was me i wouldn't lower myself to ask to see his phone, I'd ask him out straight wtf is going on.

IMO if i walked in on my bloke texting then hiding the phone, I'd KNOW something was up. Just say you saw him texting and want to know what the story is. After 5 years you deserve to be treated better!

You go girl! Good Luck.

plonk

Get his phone bill and check that. Remember the times you think he was texting and check for the number. Then ring the number and pretend to be a (something) and you need to find out about them. Then youll know what hes up to ( if anything)

Edit: By the way if you find that something is going on just leave him and dont give him an explanation coz it will wreck his head wondering why and he deserves it

M&M's

plonk wrote:

Get his phone bill and check that. Remember the times you think he was texting and check for the number. Then ring the number and pretend to be a (something) and you need to find out about them. Then youll know what hes up to ( if anything)

Edit: By the way if you find that something is going on just leave him and dont give him an explanation coz it will wreck his head wondering why and he deserves it

If only it were that easy, unfortunately his phone is a ready to go so no bills to look at

This is really hard for me cos It's just not in me to go snooping around him and that's what I am doing all the time now. He told me he is going out with one of his friends tomorrow night but he is driving and I am finding myself not believing him. I know he can lie to my face without any sign of guilt cos I've caught him doing it so I don't know what to believe any more. I'm thinking of all the times he has told me he has to work late, or go out with someone or whatever and I'm totally questioning them.

If I say all this to him though he makes out that I'm psycho and it's my problem not his??! Anyway I don't know if I should tell him what I'm thinking and let him know i'm on to him or play dumb in the hope that evenutally (like all cheats) he will trip himself up and it'll all come out.

CrazySka

If my GF asked to see my phone,cause she genuinely thought i was hiding something, id show it to her in a second, after all who cares if you have nothing to hide.

plonk

All Ill say is no boyfriend should make you feel like this no matter how long youve been going out with him. Ill love to know what to know what to say but i dont. Youre going to have to confront him there is no other way.

Huggles

M&M's wrote:

If I say all this to him though he makes out that I'm psycho and it's my problem not his??! Anyway I don't know if I should tell him what I'm thinking and let him know i'm on to him or play dumb in the hope that evenutally (like all cheats) he will trip himself up and it'll all come out.

Sounds like an ex of mine. If he can lie to your face no problem then that would really worry me.

If he is such a good liar don't you think it will be awhile before he trips himself up? I know I'd sooner have it out with him. If he is sleeping around, what about stds? If he is cheating, he is exposing you to that also.

You really need to talk to him

M&M's

john_dub wrote:

If my GF asked to see my phone,cause she genuinely thought i was hiding something, id show it to her in a second, after all who cares if you have nothing to hide.

Yeah I'm thinking the same thing. He knows I am insecure after all that's happened and when we got back together he promised that he would understand if I was acting untrusting and told me he'd show me his phone any time I wanted which made me feel better at the time, I even got him to go through everyone in his phonebook and tell me who was who!

But last night he refused to show me his phone at all he said he didn't see why he had to and wouldn't even tell me who it was that he was texting so that to me reeks of guilt. I was pissed off with him and told him I wanted to finish it and he then (possibly) made up the story about it being a friend and he was going to look at a car for me, putting the guilt trip on me and making me feel bad for questioning him and I fell for it or at least really wanted to believe him but something deep down tells me otherwise. Unless I can physically see something to prove this right I don't feel like I can do anything... I don't know. *Sigh*

takola

TBH you've caught him doing it before, it's one thing to be sending dirty emails, thats on the net and could be anyone from anywhere. But texting is a completely different kettle of fish! And to do it when you're living together and with him at the time! Thats just downright disrespectful!!! The least he could do is try to hide it!!
If i were you i'd just tell him to get his stuff and go. if he asks why tell him you want to know who he's been texting and you want to see his phone. try to do it unawares so as to make sure he wouldnt have had time to delete everything! Honestly, i think taking your phone to the bathroom with you is screaming guilt!!!

(My boyfriends idea was to rob the phone out of the bathroom next time he's in the shower (along with the towel) and leg it with both! ROFL!! )

Huggles

takola wrote:

(My boyfriends idea was to rob the phone out of the bathroom next time he's in the shower (along with the towel) and leg it with both! ROFL!! )

Classic!

M&M's

TheGooner wrote:

Sounds like an ex of mine. If he can lie to your face no problem then that would really worry me.

If he is such a good liar don't you think it will be awhile before he trips himself up? I know I'd sooner have it out with him. If he is sleeping around, what about stds? If he is cheating, he is exposing you to that also.

You really need to talk to him

I know, you're so right, the whole STD's thing really worries me.

I never thought it possible that you could look the person you love, in the face and tell a blatent lie like that, but he can, it's nothing to him seriously! Unbeliveable

I don't know why I keep making excuses for him I suppose I know if I don't have any firm evidence and I confront him, he can twist things around (he's good at that) and make it my fault.

Huggles

M&M's wrote:

I know, you're so right, the whole STD's thing really worries me.

I never thought it possible that you could look the person you love, in the face and tell a blatent lie like that, but he can, it's nothing to him seriously! Unbeliveable

I don't know why I keep making excuses for him I suppose I know if I don't have any firm evidence and I confront him, he can twist things around (he's good at that) and make it my fault.

Completly happened to me too! I understand. 5 years and he can lie like that...seriously, one of the other posters told you to tell him to get out. I have to second that!

If you really want to be sure he is cheating before you do anything, follow him?

takola

M&M's wrote:

I know, you're so right, the whole STD's thing really worries me.

I never thought it possible that you could look the person you love, in the face and tell a blatent lie like that, but he can, it's nothing to him seriously! Unbeliveable

I don't know why I keep making excuses for him I suppose I know if I don't have any firm evidence and I confront him, he can twist things around (he's good at that) and make it my fault.

You know you aren't in the wrong here!! Dont let him twist it around on you!!! You deserve better than to be treated this way! A relationship is nothing without respect and he doesn't seem to have any for you. Get Rid. As hard as it may be its what you need to do.

M&M's

(My boyfriends idea was to rob the phone out of the bathroom next time he's in the shower (along with the towel) and leg it with both! ROFL!! )[/QUOTE]


Haha! I have considered that! I even thought about prising it out from under his pillow when he's asleep and locking myself in the bathroom with it!!

There was a time that he was putting a security code on it and I had to go mental at him before he'd take it off The signs are all there really aren't they?

takola

Im sorry to say they are all there. I dont have to ask my boyfriend to see his phone, we leave our phone's lying around the house all the time! if i suspected something i'd have the phone straight away and an explanation! (he doesnt have a death wish )
I mean it! You need to tell him to tell him to get out! Find out what he's up to! Dont let yourself be treated like dirt any longer. You deserve better!!!!

Huggles

M&M's wrote:

I even thought about prising it out from under his pillow when he's asleep and locking myself in the bathroom with it!!

Sorry? He sleeps with it under the pillow? Tell me your joking?

M&M's wrote:

There was a time that he was putting a security code on it and I had to go mental at him before he'd take it off The signs are all there really aren't they?

Yes, yes they are, he doesn't sound like a decent chap, if he can lie like that to you

humanji

Yeah it seems pretty obvious to everyone here, including yourself that he's lying to you. The best thing to do is get him out of your life as soon as possible. Just tell him to get his stuff and go. Don't give him time to beg or even speak because he'll have you doubting yourself. In fact, it might be an idea to have a friend with you who will back you up. He'll be unlikely to want to beg in front of someone else.

You deserve a hell of a lot better than this. And once you get rid of this pr*ck you'll soon find someone who really does want to be with you.

ArphaRima

Dump him. Jesus. The guy is balls out lying to you. He's not even doing it well.

TheGooner

TheGooner wrote:

Sorry? He sleeps with it under the pillow? Tell me your joking?

I sleep with my phone under my pillow. Probably not for the same reason. I tend to get phonecalls in the middle of the night from people who really want to talk, and if its not near me, I'll sleep through it ringing.

I think you should dump him. Screw finding out what the txts were about. He's really not trustworthy. If he cries, do not take him back.

Oryx

Everything youve said screams of his guilt. Hes on the defensive because he knows he can twist you round and make you feel bad for doubting him. I think hes cheating. Hes done this before. Be strong and get rid, dont even try to have an argument about 'is he isnt he' you already know hes better at rows than you. You dont need this doubt in your life, and believe me, it will only get worse. If hes getting away with it now he may only get even more brazen when he has you tied down and married with kids. He dont deserve you.

hullaballoo

At this stage, it doesn't really matter whether or not he's cheating on you/texting other girls/seeing other girls.

There is a serious trust issue, and you cannot be happy in a relationship like that. If he won't show you his phone, you do the maths. I'll tell you one thing, I don't think that's normal. The only reason I would ever not let someone see my phone is if I had something to hide.

He obviously doesn't seem to mind too much that he's hurting you, so even if it is perfectly innocent, that would be enough for me to end it.

Originally, I was just going to type "Up. And. Go." so maybe you get the picture.

I also agree that you shouldn't even confront him about it. Just pack your bags when he's out some time, and leave. Don't bother with a note, and don't let him contact you. He knows he has a power over you and will beg you to take him back, so you need to stick to your guns and do what's good for you. After all, he's just doing what suits him anyway.