Opinions needed

LegacyUser

Fellow boarders,

Just wondering if anybody is or has been in a similiar position as me.

Ive been thinking recently about my life and what to do next. I feel very down when I think about what has happened to me so far. I see other people around who seem so balanced, knowing what they are doing and having friends and interests, and I wonder where things have gone wrong with me.

To give a little background, Ive never had that many friends due to bullying in school, the fact that I grew up in an area that was remote (North-west) and another reason was the fear of becoming too close to people (my brother died when I was young)

I worked relatively hard in school, didnt join any clubs or participate in things outside of school and this continued in university. Right now, I feel Ive nobody and I seem very stunted compared to other people. Quite honestly, I dont like my life. My work-ethic in university has suffered I think because of this imbalance and now I feel as if Ive come through 21 years of life with very little to show for it.

How do I get my life back on track?

Thanks.

simu

Give more info - I mean, are you working now or what?

meowCat

Down wrote:

Fellow boarders,

Just wondering if anybody is or has been in a similiar position as me.

Ive been thinking recently about my life and what to do next. I feel very down when I think about what has happened to me so far. I see other people around who seem so balanced, knowing what they are doing and having friends and interests, and I wonder where things have gone wrong with me.

To give a little background, Ive never had that many friends due to bullying in school, the fact that I grew up in an area that was remote (North-west) and another reason was the fear of becoming too close to people (my brother died when I was young)

I worked relatively hard in school, didnt join any clubs or participate in things outside of school and this continued in university. Right now, I feel Ive nobody and I seem very stunted compared to other people. Quite honestly, I dont like my life. My work-ethic in university has suffered I think because of this imbalance and now I feel as if Ive come through 21 years of life with very little to show for it.

How do I get my life back on track?

Thanks.

I think it is very easy to shy away from people if rejection is your childhood experience. Especially bullying in school is traumatic. I got a good deal of that too and I actually sometimes wonder how I managed to stay on to get a leaving cert. Probably, my mother pushing me helped there.

But from my experience I can tell you, that only because one set of people rejects you, it doesn't follow that others will, too.

Do you have anything that intersts you? Anything you could see yourself doing as a hobby? You know, it's easiest to find like minded people if you already share a common interst. And then go from there...change doesn't happen over night. Do little steps to reach out of your comfort zone - a bit more each time.

And you are only 21. That is still very young. Everyone improves with each new experience. And only because other people seem more balanced from the outside, that doesn't really mean that they truely are. You can never judge from the outside what is actually going on.

Faith

meowCat wrote:

But from my experience I can tell you, that only because one set of people rejects you, it doesn't follow that others will, too.

This is the absolute truth. I've gone through periods of being bullied in my life too, both in primary and secondary school. For a long time, I only had one or two close friends and I was scared to really get friendly with others, for fear of them suddenly rejecting me like other groups had done before. I resented my best friend having other friends and I was cold and unfriendly towards them, even though they tried to be nice to me. Eventually they gave up trying to include me and I went through a very lonely period in my life. But one day I decided enough was enough. I couldn't be afraid of rejection anymore because it wasn't doing me any good. It took time and a lot of work but now I've got a great circle of friends. There's a good 5 people I would count as my best friends, who I can tell anything to, and several more very good friends.

Then I made the best decision of my life and moved away for Uni. I met so many people who knew nothing about me or how I'd been bullied or anything. They genuinely like me for who I am, no questions. It's a great feeling.

So my advice to you is get out and meet some new people, people who don't know you at all. Take your time and put in a bit of work and before you know it, you'll get (mostly, at least) over your fear of being close to people, and you'll start making friends. If you have specific interests, join some clubs and meet like-minded people.

tbh

the only bit of advice I can give you is not to compare yourself to other people. You might be looking at them, thinking they have it sussed, and you are a mess, but I promise - at least 75% of them are looking at you thinking the same thing. (i.e. that you have it sussed, not that you are a mess!)

learn to be happy in your own company, and learn to like yourself - if you do, other people will as well, I promise. I know that might sound glib, but it's really true!

Good luck.

Oryx

...what everyone else said, plus, confidence accumulates with practice and with time. I used to be literally 'painfully' shy. After what felt like punishment, forcing myself into voluntary groups and night courses, I got used to meeting people, chatting etc, and now that kind of thing isnt a bother. Try it, dont worry about being best mates with everyone you meet, just get out a bit and see how things go. Give your self loads of time, things will change.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your opinions people. To answer your question Simu, I'll have to start working soon (I haven't a job but my univeristy exams are soon) Its just every part of my life seems so inadequate and I dont know where to begin. I mean Ive no friends and Im painfully shy and dont have a lot to say. Sometimes I think theres something wrong with me.