DNA test

Dors1976

:mad: Hi, I'm new here, I was in court 2 weeks ago for maintenance from my ex, he decided to wait until we get to court to mention paternity test.

I'm fuming he waited till then, hadn't heard a tap from him (except 1 text at xmas) since I was 5 months pregnant.

Anyone gone through the test? What's involved? He has to pay, doesn't he?

Izzyone

I am not 100% certain about this so you would need to get some legal advice but I dont think you even have to agree to the test, I think sometimes you are better off on your own, if he is saying that he thinks the baby may not be his and you would like to have sole gaurdianship then battle through on your own, its not as difficult as some people make it out to be, I was two months pregnant when my ex left me and I did it all on my own. I met an amazing guy when my daughter was two and a half, now she is six and we had a baby boy in December and are gettting married in six weeks.
When i was pregnant on my daughter six years ago, single mother friends of mine told me that I was so lucky not to have the biological (sperm donor) father in my life, At the time I found it hard to believe but I HAVE SEEN WHAT THEY HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH, it was the best thing I ever did when I walked away.

Femelade

i would totally agree with izzyone there, i am a single mother of a 5 yr old daughter. i was with her dad till she was 2 but now i wish i had left him before she was born and did it all on my own.

He is useless and is of no benefit to my daughters life whatsoever.

sorry , i just went totally off topic there. i've never had that test done, a friend of mine did, had to go to dublin to get it done...and i think, but not sure he had to pay for it. i remember he was fuming because she didnt turn up and he had to pay anyway.

joebhoy1916

Hi

When your in court for maintenance your partner
can turn around and say he is not the father
the judge will order a test be done. He will not
have to pay. If you werent in
court and he wanted a test then its about
€600 i think in around that line.

Dors1976

Thanks all, he's paying for test. I have no problem with doing the test, I know he's the father, I just want the financial support for my son. I've cut my hours in work and between creche, childminder etc I'm broke, sure who isn't these days. I know that I have been very blesses with the friends I have and I know at the end of the day he'll have to answer to my Son when the time comes, I won't ever hide who his father is, but it's his choice if he doesn't waant an active part in my son's life.

joebhoy1916

if you dont mind me asking how old is your son?
what does your ex work at?

If you have no money show judge your bank statements
try to get your maintenance but also you can get him
to pay for your rent if he has a good job.

If your son is old enough like maybe a year or that
try get all the money back dated! And get as many
receipts as you can he may end up having to pay half.

If he is like that maybe your son is better off without him.

Dors1976

My son is almost 8 months old. Ex is self employed. I'm working job-share now and I have a mortgage. As far as I know I can only get maintenance back dated 6 months. Maybe you're right and my son is better off without him but he has a responsibility to provide for my son and that's why I started the whole court proceedings. He's going to look like a time waster to the court now that he wants a DNA test.

frobisher

Some of the responses to this thread send a shiver down my spine. Please be careful about what you say to the OP, every set of circumstances is different. Just because things have gone a certain way for you doesn't mean that all seperated dads are the same. Even if her ex is an absolute monster (which I'm not suggesting) the reality is that you don't know that fact. Forget about him, forget about her, a dad is a very important thing in a child's life and every child deserves one.:mad:

Nevyn

No one here said all seperated dads are low lifes at all.
I agree every child needs both parents in thier life if possible and practical.
The more people that a child had in thier life to love and be loved by then the better.

frobisher

Thaedydal wrote:

No one here said all seperated dads are low lifes at all.

I never said they did. My point is that the OP was looking for advice in relation to what surrounds DNA testing and people are replying with quotes like this:

Izzyone wrote:

...if he is saying that he thinks the baby may not be his and you would like to have sole gaurdianship then battle through on your own...

What?! :mad: Battle through purely because he wants to know for certain if the child is his? Do you know the ins and outs of this situation? I don't want to be offensive but I honestly think your advice is nasty and is not based on the childs welfare. It seems more to do with vengance.
&

Izzyone wrote:

....When i was pregnant on my daughter six years ago, single mother friends of mine told me that I was so lucky not to have the biological (sperm donor) father in my life...

This disturbs me. Did married mother friends say the same thing? If not you should wonder why. It's about the child and not what's lucky for you.

Femmy wrote:

i would totally agree with izzyone there, i am a single mother of a 5 yr old daughter. i was with her dad till she was 2 but now i wish i had left him before she was born and did it all on my own. He is useless and is of no benefit to my daughters life whatsoever.

I don't know the particulars of your situation but i genuinely beleive that it is only in absolutley exceptional circumstances that a parent becomes genuinely of no benefit to the childs life. Even axe murders are loved by their children. One of the worst thing a child can ever be taught (even if it's through expressed emotion rather than directly) is that one of their parents is useless. Every child has an innate desire to love their biological parents and to hear the opposite is profoundly painful.

In response to the OP, I suggest that you let him take the DNA test. What single bit of harm does it do? Is the real issue for you the fact that he is asking the question if you slept with someone else at the time? If so you need to put that aside for the greater good of your child. I know exactly what it is like to be a man seperating from a woman with whom I have a child. No matter how the guy may look like he doesn't care, you can be gauranteed that he is torn to pieces inside. You can't pick up a magazine without reading about the girls point of view in these situations.
What about the guys? What about the pain and confusion that so many guys feel? Men don't have the same support networks that girls have. We're supposed to be strong, together, hold our emotions in and look after ourselves, right? Just because your ex might do something that utterly baffles you doesn't mean he has suddenly become this tool of evil in your life. Sometimes the easiest way to deal with losing part of something you love is to let it go all together. I think alot of men find themselves doing this when they are faced with situations like the OPs and that after time they are left with the loneliness and pain and they come back round and see the error of their ways. I think the OP should go through the court proceedings with as much dignity and understanding as possible, don't fight the ex if it's not vital, put her ego aside and do what's best for the child.
It might just make the dad stand up and take notice.

allmixedup

the amount of male bashing in here today is unreal, not all men are the bastards you pretend.

Nevyn

Look it is not generic male bashing, it is posters talking about thier personal experience and quiet frankly they are allowed.
No they have not attacked men at large or you specifically.
I will not have threads hikacked and derailed like this.
If you have an issue with a post use the report button.

run_Forrest_run

allmixedup wrote:

the amount of male bashing in here today is unreal, not all men are the bastards you pretend.

Agreed. There are hundreds of fathers out there living miserable lives because they cannot gain access to their children. Women who refer to biological fathers as 'Sperm Donors' (Dors1976) are just as low as the men they are describing.

At the end of the day everyone has to and I seriously mean HAS to see what is best for the child...the child is innocent in all of this and should not be used as a pawn and should not witness any bitterness as they can often start thinking they started this between their mammy and daddy...which could lead to future problems, low self esteem, behavioural issues etc..(I am saying it 'could' lead to these, not definitely so don't start bashing me with stories of how your child etc.. is perfect after a breakup..some children can cope very well of course).

run_Forrest_run

I apologise to Dors1976, you did not make the remark about 'Sperm Donor'..my mistake...but someone else did!

Dors1976

I'm not male bashing, I just started this thread for some advice, I must have touched on a topic close to some people's hearts. Case is up for review and still no contact from him, I really genuinely think it is a shame as he's missing out on time that can never be reclaimed with our Son. Thanks for the advice frobisher, my issue was that I had no communication from him at all. I was initally really annoyed that he waited until we got to court to ask for the DNA test, but now that time has passed I know he will look like the bigger fool when it is proved that he is the father of my son. I will never deny my son information about his father and I will never deny his father information about our Son. You are right in all my communication with him I have always been polite and always when I need to send him a letter I include my phone number so that he has a way to contact me. I'd really love just to even have a "What the hell???" phone call. I do know that there are circumstances in his life that I won't elaborate. I just wanted a phone call, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that he won't be involved right now, hopefully one day, for my child's sake.