Moral Dillema.Please Help Me!!!!!!

mad man

I have been in a relationship with a woman for a year and a half.She is thirteen years older than me and I am thirty one years of age.She jas two girls in their early twenties and that part of her life is complete.I want to get married and have kids some day.The reality is its not going to happen with her.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and have been clean and sober for seven and a half years.I have been trying to rehabilitate my life in this time.I have been fairly successful in many areas like getting a job and my own place etc.What I have found a lot more difficult is rebuilding my personal life and finding a partner.This is the first relationship I have been in since I got sober and in reality it is the first relationship I have been in.I did an assertiveness class in Sept-Nov2004 which I was advised to do by my counciller to help with low self esteem.This is where I met her.I don't think we look like an odd couple.She looks younger than she is.However I am conscious of the age differnce sometimes in public.I was not embarrased to be seen with her initially .Although I live in Dublin,so anonymity is easier.At my Christmas party last year I initially invited her but I then refused to go.I was obviously afraid of what my peers and workmates would think.This week I was out shopping with her and I was afraid to take her hand.

I am very fond of her but cannot say I am in love with her.Maybe the expression is I love her but I am not in love with her.We are sleeping together and I sometimes think we are using each other for sex.We accuse each other of this as a joke sometimes.Other times I wonder is she a big sister or mother figure to me.

In the early part of the relationshop I asked out a girl my own age that I worked with but she said no.I justified this by telling myself that my relationship was just a fling.The fact that I was dumped two months into the relationship seemed to confirm this but it was back on a week later.

We are going away to Amsterdam next month and I feel a fraud because I am considering dumping her.Some time ago there was a girl in a Cafe I used to go to that I wanted to ask out.I chickened out and she left her job before I got a chance to do it.I am now in a situation in work were there is another girl I want to approach.

Last weekend we were completely wrecking each others heads and I found myself being a bit cruel to her.We had a fairly big row.At one point I decided to leave (the house not the relationship) and she begged me to stay.She said later she was suprised she did this as it exposed her vulnerability.We ended up making up and having a very loving and intimate evening.A couple of months previously a similar situation occured and this time she said she thought it was over between us.I sometimes think I should have agreed and called it a day.If we were both the same age I do not think I would be considering this.

I feel very guilty sometimes about the whole situation and need advice on what to do.

Should I end this relationship first?If so how will I do it without causing devastation?

Or Should I carry on until I meet someone else?

I need realistic advice from male and female posters

Please don't judge me too hardly as I am very inexperienced in this side of my life.

kittenkiller

End the relationship. You're not happy with her & are itching to get with someone (or perhaps anyone) else. Being with her when you're ashamed or embarassed to hold her hand in public is terrible for the both of you.

You can't use the troubles you've had in the past to justify using anyone in this manner.

End it, be as nice as possible while you're doing it.
Don't be *too* honest with her, maybe just tell her you wnat to find someone to start a family with or something.

Move on & be single for a while before you get seriously involved with someone else.
You're using this woman & you should stop.
Whether the timing is right or not is up to you, but you can't drag it out too long or it'll get harder & harder for both of you to move on.

Faith

End it, it's not fair on either of you. You need someone to get married to and have children with and you're still quite young. She needs someone who will love and support her. You're at very different stages in your life and I don't see how the relationship can work.

Also, tbh, it sounds like you're a bit ashamed of her. This is not fair, and imagine how devastated and humiliated she'd be if she found out.

[Jackass]

End it.

In reality, you know and she knows that this is not a permanent arrangment.

The problem arises that she may be becoming more dependant on you and if you don't end it soon you're robbing her the chance of potentially finding someone who will love her in the way she wants, which you know you can't truly and honestly do...

Of course it will be difficult for both of you, but for yourself, don't let the momentum run out on you building the life that you want...it's time for you to move on and like your current partner, find someone you can truly love and who will be the same towards you.

Whoever you are with, you should always be proud to show her off to the world and love being together no matter what anyone thinks or says...you'll still be proud, cause to you, she'll be perfect the way she is...to me, that's what love is.

Good luck.

mad man

I hear you guys.I just have to find the couage to do it.There is no way of doing it though that is not gonna hurt.

tinkerbell

It's not fair on her to be leading her on like this - that's what you're effectively doing. End it.

justhim

Well, Im not going to tell what to do. I dont think i need to. From your post its sounds like you know what should be done.

It is a difficult situation. It sounds as if, ye found each other at a point at which ye both needed support and that that was something ye found in each other. The problem is yer future is on different paths, you want your own family she already has one. If you dont think there is a future in the relationship you cant continue to keep yourself in it. It not fair to either of you. You should sit down, think about what you want and need now, in the future, think if this relationship can fulfill that. If not you should move on. Ending it obviously wont be easy. It seems ye've both care and have become dependant on each other. At the end of the day though if your in a relationship you must be in it with all your heart and soul. You must see yerserlf with a future life together. If not....

takethebiscuit

If you're having so many problems this early on, it'll only get worse. The year-and-a-half stage should be the best time in a relationship, when you're starting to be a real couple to the outside world and to each other....and the romance and sex is at its best.

McGinty

From a female perspective I would concur with the other posters. To be honest, the ending of relationship will end in tears, yours and hers, even though it is what you want, the ending of any relationship is sad, even if it it is terrible. But you should end it, you want different things in life from your current partner, and besides she has/or will pick up the vibes that you wish to leave her, I know I can usually tell when a guy has gone off me, its sad but life, we all need to let go when we have to. Nothing is ever wasted in a relationship, you were together at a time that helped both of you, look back on your time with love, but lovingly let go, and experience the new.

kittenkiller

mad man wrote:

I hear you guys.I just have to find the couage to do it.There is no way of doing it though that is not gonna hurt.

Of course not, but some ways are going to hurt even more than others.
There's no point in putting it off for too long.
Be brave & suck it up, we all have to end relationships at some stage or other, you situation is no different other than the fact that instead of the relaionship just fizzling out, you're actually ashamed of your partner!

You'll feel so much better about things a week or so after you end it, i'm sure.
Stop procrastinating & do it, there'll never be a perfect time or way to do it, so just get on with it for both your sakes.
Best of luck.

fatboypee

Without detracting from the good advice offered here, are you still having counselling ? If so, have you thought about talking with your counsellor about this ?

FBP.