Eggshells of grief

scorplett

Ive been in a relationship with this guy I have known for near three years. I am head-over-heels totally and utterly in love with him and he loves me and makes me feel like the greatest woman on the plannet...
Thing is, the Girlfriend he had before me died very suddenley at a time they were ready for commitment. The situation can become very sensitive at times, particuluarly on days like today (her birthday)
Now I have learned that I cannot make him fully deal with his issues in this area a) I would be the wrong person and b) He is the only one who can deal with it so all anyone can do is support and encourage.
Days Like today I feel that I have to walk on eggshells and don't know how to approach things. We dont live togeather so I suppose it could be worse... Sometimes I just dont know what to say to him or how to support him and on days like today I find I tend to leave him alone even though that is so very difficult and I will constantly wonder if it's the right thing to do or if it would be better to see him, call him, take him out, have fun or whatever...
I just wish I knew how best to support him. That said the selfish part of me often thinks how soon after a rough patch is it ok to go out togeather to sleep togeather etc... But that particuluar cycle of guilt is a whole other thread...

Rant over... Thanks for reading

LegacyUser

funnily enough, a mate of mine was in a similar situation, with her long term boyfriend. She did everything to respect and observe the death of the former girlfriend, (i think she even got caught up in remembering someone she never knew, lovely girl as my mate is), and in the end, amongst other things in the relationship, it ended.

I'll be honest, it seemed to me, a really hard situation to be in, it was like being a mistress

To an extent my mate said it was almost like being on the outside, for e.g. his family loved her very much,and observed the anniversary of her death. They visitied her parents etc...
To such an extent as, although she herself tried to understand,there was a certain amount of resentment towards the dead girl and she felt guilty for feeling like that.

To an extent she felt like she was secondary to everything in her realtionship, and to this girl that had passed away.

Sometimes you cant live up to, what might have been.
The issue is not yours, its up to your boyfriend to let this go and until he does, there is no way for you two to move forward.

You are very patient. You are very understanding.
Living up to an ex is hard enough, living up to what might have been in someone elses head is even harder.

The very best of everything. I hope he moves on and you feel happy in your realtionship.
I mean that.

Ruu_Old

You have to be patient and at the same time to let him know you are there for him in anyway he wants you to be, in order to support him. Best of luck in the relationship OP.

Black Swan

Like just be there for him, and let him know, but don't push it.

sachamama

talking is the best thing, tell him how you feel and ask him to tell you how he is feeling. be gentle with each other.

dudara

It's one thing to be a supportive girlfriend, but it's been three years, and his life has moved on and you're now part of it. He also has to show some consideration with you.

Walking on eggshells is such an awful term to use in a three-year relationship. You really need to speak to him, make him realise that you understand and support him, but that he also needs to realise that you're not part of his past, you're part of his future.