the best book in the world chapter 1

magnia · 19-04-2006 4:15pm #1

I was happy enough I suppose, but it was all getting a little tedious. I was bored I wanted to do something but just wasn’t sure what I wanted or how to get it. But well worry bout that later. The main thing is, it’s Friday and I have not got enough money to get me drunk till Monday. This was starting to become a regular problem and one which could not be tolerated. A plan of action was required as they say in the states (****in arseholes). This was getting hard we were running out of scams it was way easier when we were younger. The sponsored walks were great. Ten pound for the school 30 pound for me, and that was **** loads for a ****in 10 year old. I would have had money for sweets for like a whole month but of course just spent it, in like 2 days. Didn’t even end up doing most of the walks or go to school that week cause I was sick from the sweets. Which didn’t bother me at all cause the walk was like 10ks and I really didn’t like the sound of that. The money was spent so couldn’t really give it back. **** it most people only sponsor ya so you’ll get off their damn porch. Best thing to do is to go around when coronation street is on cause the bitch will answer the door, give ya the money and tell you to fill in the card yourself, cause shes in a hurry to get the **** back to the tv and she better not have missed anything or she swears she will kill ya. Easiest money ya will ever make. Well maybe apart from your communion or confirmation. That’s a great day calling around to all your neighbours and relatives with your hand out while they fill ya with coke and sweets. I never had so much sugar in my life, couldn’t sleep for a week. Thinking back now is communion when you get accepted as a member of the one true church or is that confirmation when you become a member doesn’t matter anyway point is that’s when all the bull**** starts. It gives you your first real taste of money and taste of fashion. Everyone in there nice little outfits with a few exceptions like that girl in my class can’t remember her name. She had like 9 older sisters. Contraception must have still being a luxury good back then thank god for the Celtic Tiger and the condoms that came with it. So she was the 6th to the wear the communion dress. Coke and sweet stains ****in everywhere poor bitch. So that’s what’s thrown at you age 7. You start to realise the world is a bit ****ed up when some poor bitch has to make her communion in a dress with coke and sweet stains everywhere. You go back into school on the Monday still in your poxy suit that doesn’t really fit right cause your older brother or cousin in my case was a fat **** when he was 7, and here’s where it all really starts the Monday morning when your back in school a series of questions start:

1.How much money did you make?

That’s the first question the prick who is sitting beside you asks and when you tell him how much you made he is delighted to tell ya he made nearly twice as much. He has lots of rich aunties and uncles who don’t have any of there own kids cause there too ugly for anyone to have sex with them, let alone have kids with them. The guy who sat beside me was a serious asshole ass well. He was like student of the week like twenty times in a year. I was only student of the week once not that I even wanted to be student of the week. It was a big stupid ceremony that they held every Friday afternoon. All the teachers would go up to the stage and announce their student of the week. So of course the very last week our teacher asked who has never been student of the week. There was like five of us and they gave us all a certificate. It was all Nazi bull**** of course. I didn’t know that then though. I used to sit there like an asshole every week hoping they would call my name and I would get my certificate and packet of sweets but of course I never got it apart from by default at the end of the year. It was kind of like the Lenin award or something commie bastards. I remember the prick of a teacher I had the year we made our communion asked everyone how much they made and starting drawing some kind of mathematical graph with a curve to show the difference in everyone. One poor prick in my class his da sent him round all the houses he got a **** load of money was happy as a pig in **** for about three hours till his da made plans for his money. His da let him keep a tenner and said he was putting the rest into a savings account down the local pub. I remember him coming in telling everyone he only had a tenner. Of course everyone was laughing like **** including myself. It was like that bit out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, when the teacher is asking all the kids how many wonka bars they bought and there all saying like 5000 and then he asks Charlie and he says I bought two. Don’t care how feel good that movie was that bit was terribly depressing, and that’s what that class was like. Well I didn’t think that then. I thought it was the best class ever then, but that bloke with his tenner is probably still getting serious counseling. Never heard him singin ive got a golden ticket anyway. I seen him a few weeks ago and his bird looks like a bit of an umpa lumpa. Bright hair and colour in a bottle skin.

2.Where did you go after you were finished demanding money off people for looking at you in your suit?

I was like what? What do you mean where did I go? I could barely stand up I had gone through about 50 cups of coca-cola and one cup of super value cola which my ma said was disgraceful that they wouldn’t even give you real coke on your communion day. I had also eaten about twenty packets of tayto so I went home as fast as my little legs would carry me. Ran up the stairs locked my bedroom door and proceeded to count my little wad of cash. My ma bought me a wallet, she said it was because I was a big boy now or something like that but we all know the real reason. I felt deadly with the wallet and it being full of cash helped of course, but this prick beside me is still asking me where I went? “What the hell are ya talking about?” I ask him. He’s looking at me as if im from Mars so I ask him “Where did you go”? He’s all smiles now the prick, full of his own self-importance aged bleedin seven. “I went out to a nice restaurant with my family and then we went to see a show at the Abbey”. I was sitting there thinking to myself what the **** is the abbey. So I quickly had to make something up so I went in my best Dublin accent. “ We went to bleedin McDonalds I had my first big mac couldn’t even finish it, it was huge, and then we went and seen the karate kid at the cinema.” Better than the abbey any bleedin day of the week even though I wasn’t sure what it was. He didn’t seem impressed but then all the lads starting asking me questions bout the karate kid so he had to shut the **** up. The problem was I hadn’t been to see the karate kid we were gonna go during the week cause me ma had to go to work a while after the communion. So there I was talking **** about the karate kid saying he kicks four blokes with one lift of his leg, and then one of the lads started asking me did he have a ninja death stars and nun chucks, which I didn’t know what they were but I said he had them anyway. Of course in a few days one of the lads went to see it and came in and told everyone I was a big lying bastard but ah well I felt good that day.

3.What are you gonna buy with your money?

Im gonna buy a gameboy with 6 games and the Ireland kit, but I was really getting 1 game and just the jersey . But of course me being stupid and the fact I was like 7 or 8 I trusted my ma to go in and be able to pick these two simple things out. I even told her where to pick the damn things up. All I was short of doing was drawing her a map. So I give her like 120 out of the 180 I made and she’s moaning “I cant believe you want to spend all this money on just two things” and I but on my best whiney voice “that’s what everyone is getting.” “Its cool to be different.” I shake my head in disbelief “No its not. I want to get what everyone else is getting” and she gives me a weird look and says “fine”. So guess what she comes home with. She takes this green t-shirt with white shorts and green socks out of a Dunne’s stores bag. “What the hell is that” I demand to know. She looks at me as if I am stupid or something. “Its an Ireland jersey”. “St.Bernard don’t make Ireland jerseys adidas do.” I inform her. “This was twenty pound cheaper and you get the shorts and the socks”. “But its not real” and shes like “no one will know the difference”. I gave up on that one even though I knew everyone was going to laugh at my green t-shirt. “Where’s my gameboy” and she gives me a weird smile and even at this young age of 7 or 8 I know this isn’t good. She takes out this black yoke and I am about to start crying. “What the hell is that?”, im starting to get really annoyed now. “This is better and” “what the hell is it?” “it’s a game dude!!!” As if I am meant to know what that is. “You can play the monster frogs on it” she explains and then she starts talking like she is my accountant. “It was over fifty pound cheaper than the gameboy”. So lets explain very quickly what has happened here. I ask her to go in and get me the new Ireland jersey that there gonna wear at Italia 90 and I ask her to get me the gameboy with the teenage mutant ninja turtles game and she comes home with a recycled green outfit, a game dude whatever the hell that is and the monster frogs. Eventually it dawns on me I still have loads of money left then. “Wheres the money that you SAVED ME”. “I opened a post office account for ya with the money I saved and the money you had left in your wallet.” That’s what happened to my communion money.

Lothaar · 21-04-2006 2:56pm

I hope there's no chapter 2.

noh showband · 21-04-2006 4:07pm

I'm sorry there was a chapter one! It's a joke, right?

Dave3x · 22-04-2006 12:17am

I thought you guys were being mean.

But no.

Stream of thought / Ross O'Carroll Kelly accent-writing is fine, but you kinda need some story behind it. Or anything.